AIBU to ignore DSS a little?

[Pullinghairout81]

A bit of background without going into to much detail or drip feeding.

SS has just turned 8 and stays with me and DH EOW and one night in the week (mum won't agree to 50:50 because of in her words her 'benefits will reduce').

SS can be lovely and caring at times, bless him, but is also incredibly entitled, spoilt and is prone to HUGE meltdowns and attention seeking behaviour if he doesn't get what he wants exactly how he wants it.
My DS 12 and and DD 6 just aren't like that so I'm stumped how to deal with it? Hence why I'm here and also reading every parenting website I can!!
Don't get me wrong, my DC have their moments and have had tantrums themselves, aplenty. But it felt very manageable for the most part and 'normal' I guess?

I empathise with DSS as parents had a messy break up which must've been hard and confusing for him (his mum left DH) and though they've made some headway, they really don't get on.

Mum is of the opinion that DSS needs come before everyone else's. DH has tried to explain on several occasions that yes DSS is very important but so is everyone within the family; we're all special and important. She doesn't listen and continues to pedal the narrative that we're not putting DSS first. Very tiring to hear that in 101 different versions.

I try to always be kind and loving to DSS when he's here (much easier when he's not in a strop!), do his homework with him and spend time with him. But we did have a chat a couple of weeks ago in which I -gently- told him that life isn't always fair and it's an important lesson that's helpful to learn (I think I used the words 'when I was little, my Dad told me something very important and I still remember it now...yada yada'). Anyway, because I said something along the lines of 'grown ups need to make decisions sometimes, it's not always the choice of children, but we do really care how you feel'. He's gone back to his mum, told her what I said and she's hit the roof. Saying we don't care about his feelings.

Added to that, the current issue seems to be jealously about DH's relationship with my DC, particularly my DD. Look - I completely get that - it's normal for him to possibly feel a bit hurt that they're very close, he's had his Daddy to himself before we were on the scene a couple of years ago. He gets lots and lots of special daddy time, like camping just the two and activity days out but it doesn't seem to alleviate the jealously. Which, like I said, I get. And we're trying everything to help with that. But he still stomps his feet and almost demands that his dad isn't close to my DC!

Question is, I can't seem to do any sort of parenting/discipline/explaining without it being misreported to mum. He cries to mum and she gets angry. And the tantrums are exhausting, so when he's here, shall I just sit in the corner on my laptop quietly humming to myself and minding my own business?? Is it wrong to distance myself??

For info: DH has tried strict parenting, hasn't worked, now it's therapeutic parenting and is trying to reward good behaviour and ignore bad..we haven't found anything that works yet..

Poor child. I’d work with your DP to gain full custody. Of course he’s jealous as his good parent has a new family. He’s left with his wildcard mum. I’d be annoyed too in his shoes.

Give over whilst I can understand your perspective, I think it's more balanced and accurate (in this particular situation) to say that his mother isn't the whole problem here. She's an element in the bigger picture and I wouldn't call her a 'problem' anyway. There's no blame, the situation is what it is.

I only compared to my children, not to disrespect DSS, but just to highlight how inept I have been at managing the situation so far. And also - maybe you're more innately 'better' at handling it when it's you're own DC as you know them better and understand their thought processes? I don't know, I'm thinking as I'm typing...

TBF any healthy boundaries you put in place while DSS is at yours will only work if the EX is also reading from the same page, which it sounds like she isn't.

As PP have said you're doing your best but by the sound of it the EX is intent on making life difficult.
Sit back and leave the parenting to DSS parents if that's how she feels.

So why doesn't he go for 50/50?

Thanks Arucana, I love your thinking. We have to start using the point system! Having been brought up my quite a damaging narcissistic mother (she did her best with the tools she had at the time yada yada) I remember doing a similar thing with her just to keep my sanity!!!

Thanks Hank - I'll look out for that course! I did the tuning into teens course at my eldest DC's school and it was utterly mind blowing. I'm not suddenly an absolutely amazing parent (clearly!!), but it did give me such a different perspective about how teens and pre-teens think.
A course about the younger brain would be really helpful..

I get that Cloud. It's not perfect here but I think he genuinely does like it when he's here...

I agree on ignore the ex and her rants. Her saying she shouts at DSS is troubling as it sounds like he’s not in a good living situation with his mum.

You and DH can give the DSS a bit of a stable normal home. So keep treating him consistently as you both treat your DC. Don’t ignore as that is isolating/ostracism and would be picked up on by your DC and DSS will feel even more left out from his dads life.

The tantrums are pretty normal at 8 only two years after a family split. Just manage as best you can. Give him an outlet or safe space to get his frustrations out. As his mum shouts at him, the tantrums could me more at your place because he feels safe with you guys. He may be letting off negative feelings from how his mum treats him while at yours because you are safe and understanding and do not shout.

He may be obliged to tell his mum something negative about you, the OW, so don’t feel like he is being disloyal or backstabbing you. The child is in a difficult position.

If you and DH suspect his mum’s shouting and such are verbal abuse, then really your DH needs to fight in the courts for his son to get him to live with you all instead of his mum. Her benefits don’t matter as much as what is best for DSS.

I think you are a really good step mum and I can see you are trying really hard to do what you can for your DSS. Your love and concern for this child really do shine through.

I can't seem to do any sort of parenting/discipline/explaining without it being misreported to mum

@Pullinghairout81 I suggest just leaving it to his dad.

I mean, you can be nice and everything but don't do parenting/lecturing yourself if it's just causing issues.

Nanny that's the million dollar question. Firstly we dont have the money for court (DSS is worth it, it's just not there). They've been through mediation and DH has had quite a bit of legal advice. When he tired to get a CAO following lots of mediation sessions (to get more access), the solicitor said it's not worth it as it's not at all binding without the full court process. His mum is adamant she doesn't want 50:50, though she's admitted she really struggles with DSS at times. At the moment she calls the shots with access. I know that probably sounds pathetic to anyone reading this, but we're trying to avoid a war at the moment...

Poor boy. He’s had a lot of change in his life already and is dealing with having 2 homes, knowing his dad spends more time with someone else’s children than with him and his own parents not getting on. It’s a lot and at 8 years old, he doesn’t have adult coping mechanisms and so the result is his behaviour.

Let his dad do more of the parenting. You can just be a trusted adult in his life but big speeches about how life isn’t fair are not going to go down well from you when he’s feeling left out and jealous. Believe me, he doesn’t need you telling him life isn’t fair, he’s worked that out by now!

All this changing tactics constantly aren’t good either and aren’t necessary if you’re being reasonable. After all the changes, he needs consistency not more changes because you’re trying a new way that you’ve read about.

You know how to provide a stable loving home presumably? Just do that, be consistent, reassure him, and with time, he’ll start to feel more settled.

I agree with this , focus on your house hold and ignore ex she’ll cause drama whatever is happening.

You sound caring Op. But this little boy is having a natural trauma reaction to family break up and having to see his dad essentially take on two new kids while he loses his time with him.

It sounds like a lot is being expected of this child in a short time.

Have you considered therapy for the boy or even family therapy ? The school your ss goes to shoulf be made aware he is struggling and they can look at thst and may even have a school play therapist

Family break up as we all know can kead to life long trauma that still affects adults so i tbink you need to take a longer view with this child and not expect him to cope so quickly

Don’t engage with his mum, but no, I wouldn’t ignore an upset 8 year old.

It sounds like you are a lovely stepmum but imagine how it feels for him to watch his dad live with other children.

They get to have all the moments, day to day, that he is missing out on. And at 8, he doesn’t have the emotional maturity to process the feelings this brings up. Honestly, I’m not surprised he has tantrums (especially because it sounds like his life with his mum isn’t particularly calm?). Has he had any counselling?

The mother is responsible for this child's attitude, she is clearly dripping poison into the child's ear.

You can deal with it one of two ways I think.

You can disengage from DSS, which is perfectly valid, and just leave it to his dad.

Or you can continue as you are and disengage / ignore his mum instead. Providing you aren't doing or saying anything terrible which if doesn't sound like you are and dad is happy I'd just block her from your mind. I wouldn't want to live with a child I felt like I couldn't discipline/say anything to about their behaviour especially if I also had my children in the home to meaning they saw one child getting away with everything and them not.

I would guess a child of 8 having ‘tantrums’ could well be ND and look at strategies for parenting ND children, you can’t really compare with your own children. Maybe look at low demand parenting? The explosive child book?
How much time do your own children spend in your house? Could ss come when they’re not there? I don’t think that issue is likely to be ‘small’ if your ss is spending less time with his dad than your children are. It’s very tricky but ultimately he shouldn’t come first in the family but he absolutely should to his own dad

I get that Water - I think family therapy would be a really good idea. He's just started ELSA at school (requested by DH), he's had a couple of sessions so far, and I think it's mostly play therapy? I think it's really important for him to have a safe space to explore his big feelings without worrying about mum or dad and what they might say/think.. school seem to be pretty good at helping with things like that

I think you have to disengage from the ex not the child.
Carry on as normal with all three dc, deal with the tantrums, let him calm down in his room etc.
Go no contact with the ex and let your DH deal with her. Do not get stuck in the arguments with her, your dh needs to learn also to not get stuck in anything that is not reasonable with her.
An 8 year old WILL from experience use the Mum as a way of getting their own way, stick to your adults have to make decisions sometimes, we are all a family and all important talk and if he starts telling you what his Mum said about you then I would shut it down and divert conversation.

Thanks Mama good idea

I dont undersramd the court processes but a CAO would seem the obvious answer. It also gives DSS the security he is perhaps craving. If mum is messing things around and 'calling the shots' it is likely she's leaning on the boy to say stuff she can then throw ar DH. Or telling g him he can't go to dad's if... or if he does x she'll send him to dad's.. or dad doesn't love you because you do X...

Oh and in terms of tantrums at 8... its possibly hormones. They get a big dose at this age apparently (yes DS9 I'm looking at you!)

Thanks Daffodil and I get that - lots of big emotions and challenging things to understand for his age. Not easy at all

As long as DSS was following the house rules then I’d disengage but continue access as normal. Maybe plan things for just you and your DC so you get 1:1 time with each of them, with both of them and your DH gets 1:1 with his DS and time with his DS and your DC at separate times too.

Ultimately you have to become a United front against his mum, if she’s causing trouble go no contact. I feel like the issue here is probably a DH issue, why isn’t he nipping this drama in the bud?

If she has that much of an issue she will stop contact or the child will refuse to come, which is probably not likely as I expect she likes her freedom and even if she did you could apply for access and likely get what you’re getting anyway.

What rubbish, the OP and her husband both seem to be trying to overcome the damage caused by the mother. the one doing the child serious damage which she will obviously want to palm off on his father.