AIBU to ignore DSS a little?

[Pullinghairout81]

A bit of background without going into to much detail or drip feeding.

SS has just turned 8 and stays with me and DH EOW and one night in the week (mum won't agree to 50:50 because of in her words her 'benefits will reduce').

SS can be lovely and caring at times, bless him, but is also incredibly entitled, spoilt and is prone to HUGE meltdowns and attention seeking behaviour if he doesn't get what he wants exactly how he wants it.
My DS 12 and and DD 6 just aren't like that so I'm stumped how to deal with it? Hence why I'm here and also reading every parenting website I can!!
Don't get me wrong, my DC have their moments and have had tantrums themselves, aplenty. But it felt very manageable for the most part and 'normal' I guess?

I empathise with DSS as parents had a messy break up which must've been hard and confusing for him (his mum left DH) and though they've made some headway, they really don't get on.

Mum is of the opinion that DSS needs come before everyone else's. DH has tried to explain on several occasions that yes DSS is very important but so is everyone within the family; we're all special and important. She doesn't listen and continues to pedal the narrative that we're not putting DSS first. Very tiring to hear that in 101 different versions.

I try to always be kind and loving to DSS when he's here (much easier when he's not in a strop!), do his homework with him and spend time with him. But we did have a chat a couple of weeks ago in which I -gently- told him that life isn't always fair and it's an important lesson that's helpful to learn (I think I used the words 'when I was little, my Dad told me something very important and I still remember it now...yada yada'). Anyway, because I said something along the lines of 'grown ups need to make decisions sometimes, it's not always the choice of children, but we do really care how you feel'. He's gone back to his mum, told her what I said and she's hit the roof. Saying we don't care about his feelings.

Added to that, the current issue seems to be jealously about DH's relationship with my DC, particularly my DD. Look - I completely get that - it's normal for him to possibly feel a bit hurt that they're very close, he's had his Daddy to himself before we were on the scene a couple of years ago. He gets lots and lots of special daddy time, like camping just the two and activity days out but it doesn't seem to alleviate the jealously. Which, like I said, I get. And we're trying everything to help with that. But he still stomps his feet and almost demands that his dad isn't close to my DC!

Question is, I can't seem to do any sort of parenting/discipline/explaining without it being misreported to mum. He cries to mum and she gets angry. And the tantrums are exhausting, so when he's here, shall I just sit in the corner on my laptop quietly humming to myself and minding my own business?? Is it wrong to distance myself??

For info: DH has tried strict parenting, hasn't worked, now it's therapeutic parenting and is trying to reward good behaviour and ignore bad..we haven't found anything that works yet..

Call it what you want he doesn't see his dad as often as he should because of his mother. The time he does spend with him should be quality. You stating it's her house yes it is but I think your response to my post shows you don't get it. Ss most probably wants to spend alone time with his dad the op did say he was moaning that he doesn't get much attention from his dad. I think that is sad and you don't have to agree with me if you don't want to it's only my opinion.

Call it what you want he doesn't see his dad as often as he should because of his mother. The time he does spend with him should be quality. You stating it's her house yes it is but I think your response to my post shows you don't get it. Ss most probably wants to spend alone time with his dad the op did say he was moaning that he doesn't get much attention from his dad. I think that is sad and you don't have to agree with me if you don't want to it's only my opinion.

Notice how nobody is talking about your children's 'trauma' @Pullinghairout81 . That their parents have separated, a man who isn't their father living with them and a child who comes every other week who's behaviour isn't great. I hope your kids are dealing with all this change as well as they can.
I think you are doing the right things but I don't think it will do any harm for you to step back. Leave all the parenting to his dad, dont get involved with anything that can come back on you. Is it shit and does ot make the logistics harder? Yes, bit his ex is never going to become reasonable, she isn't going to change so I would take myself out of the firing line. Life is too short to take shit off your partners ex. Do not take on any additional stress. YOUR kids don't need it either.

He doesn't feel like he has to share. Your kids are living with his dad full time and he sees his dad a couple of days every fortnight. We often see on these boards posts about step kids and the divorced parents having gone on and has another child. That isn't the case here. Dad has simply moved in with other kids. That is massive for this little boy.

Yes, it is because of his mother and OP is trying her best.

I said that ALL children should spend one to one time with their parents, even if they live with them full time. OP has said they do this already.

I do 'get it' as I'm a step child (check my previous post on how it worked for us as children) and have been a step parent. We treated them all equally when together, and like my children, they also had one to one time. No one felt left out as we were a family unit.

I do not agree that the SS spending only time with the Dad is best for him or the family because it creates a divide and that won't help SS long term. The Mum is the problem here and the amount of time he spends with his Dad and extended family should be increased.

Just want to add, I do agree with spending one to one time and perhaps at the moment that could be increased. I just feel strongly that he should feel part of the family and it really bothers me when resident parents limit contact time and the child/children suffer. EOW and a night a week isn't enough. Poor boy will obviously struggle with other children living with his Dad and the limited time will not help him feel secure within his new family. Dad should be doing all he can to to fully involve him because clearly Mum isn't bothered about how it's affecting him.

Also agree with PP who mentioned OP's children. They also do not live with their Dad and have had to get used to a new family dynamic where they're potentially being told that at certain times they are less important because of adults decisions that are out of their hands.

OP I know you've said you can't afford court, but would you be able to afford current maintenance payments but still see him more? So ex can't use benefits as an excuse (although, as far as I'm aware CM doesn't affect benefits at all, just amount of CM). You could go closer to 50/50 but give her same amount.

Exactly and her husband is telling his mum and him that everyone is important. Regardless of the arrangement you have to make the best of it for the child's sake. If I was the step child the op would call me devil child if I felt that my dad was putting another woman and her children before me on my visits. You rather discipline me than love me well discipline this.

How long have you been together? You’ve both got young kids so it can’t be that long?

why on earth would you (a) marry him and (b) have him and his ds move in with you and your kids all so fast when i dare say he’s always been like this so you knew what you were going to inflict on your kids

your h needs to move out, spend time with his kid alone and parent him properly

I have a DSS and I could have written your post! I used to be very involved and now for my own sanity have disengaged. Always food in the fridge. Clean clothes. Family time with games etc however, I don't get involved in discipline anymore to protect my mental health.

I find it really sad that people disengage from their DSC. I understand it but it’s got to make for a lot of unhappy people.

If the parent isn’t addressing the issues and people feel that they need to disengage for their own mental health then it doesn’t sound like the best relationship, not being on the same page.

I can’t imagine not being a united front, DH and I have 8 children (now mostly grown up) between us that are not both of ours so we’d had our share of ex and child issues from every direction, over the years. I kind of feel had I needed to protect my mental health from someone I wouldn’t have them in my home so the relationship would end. I just don’t think it’s a nice way to live, I’d have dreaded every visit and that would have done nothing for my mental health.

I am just not sure how sustainable disengaging long term is for sanity, wouldn’t it breed resentment? It’s got to be better to just address all the issues rather than ignore them, obviously a lot harder though.

I should imagine your dss feels very insecure after the break up, he has two homes and a stepmum and step siblings, I bet after he returns home after being at yours he get’s interrogated and she then has a go at you and dp. He is in a no win situation as his mum is angry about his dad, you and your dc and angry at him too.
He feels jealous of your dc as not only do they live full time with his beloved dad but they don’t live in the chaos of anger that is his home. He also feels conflicted as although he gets on with your daughter he dreams of having his parents living together.
He is really struggling bless him, I would suggest therapy and lots of love and routine to make him feel safe