AIBU to ignore DSS a little?

[Pullinghairout81]

A bit of background without going into to much detail or drip feeding.

SS has just turned 8 and stays with me and DH EOW and one night in the week (mum won't agree to 50:50 because of in her words her 'benefits will reduce').

SS can be lovely and caring at times, bless him, but is also incredibly entitled, spoilt and is prone to HUGE meltdowns and attention seeking behaviour if he doesn't get what he wants exactly how he wants it.
My DS 12 and and DD 6 just aren't like that so I'm stumped how to deal with it? Hence why I'm here and also reading every parenting website I can!!
Don't get me wrong, my DC have their moments and have had tantrums themselves, aplenty. But it felt very manageable for the most part and 'normal' I guess?

I empathise with DSS as parents had a messy break up which must've been hard and confusing for him (his mum left DH) and though they've made some headway, they really don't get on.

Mum is of the opinion that DSS needs come before everyone else's. DH has tried to explain on several occasions that yes DSS is very important but so is everyone within the family; we're all special and important. She doesn't listen and continues to pedal the narrative that we're not putting DSS first. Very tiring to hear that in 101 different versions.

I try to always be kind and loving to DSS when he's here (much easier when he's not in a strop!), do his homework with him and spend time with him. But we did have a chat a couple of weeks ago in which I -gently- told him that life isn't always fair and it's an important lesson that's helpful to learn (I think I used the words 'when I was little, my Dad told me something very important and I still remember it now...yada yada'). Anyway, because I said something along the lines of 'grown ups need to make decisions sometimes, it's not always the choice of children, but we do really care how you feel'. He's gone back to his mum, told her what I said and she's hit the roof. Saying we don't care about his feelings.

Added to that, the current issue seems to be jealously about DH's relationship with my DC, particularly my DD. Look - I completely get that - it's normal for him to possibly feel a bit hurt that they're very close, he's had his Daddy to himself before we were on the scene a couple of years ago. He gets lots and lots of special daddy time, like camping just the two and activity days out but it doesn't seem to alleviate the jealously. Which, like I said, I get. And we're trying everything to help with that. But he still stomps his feet and almost demands that his dad isn't close to my DC!

Question is, I can't seem to do any sort of parenting/discipline/explaining without it being misreported to mum. He cries to mum and she gets angry. And the tantrums are exhausting, so when he's here, shall I just sit in the corner on my laptop quietly humming to myself and minding my own business?? Is it wrong to distance myself??

For info: DH has tried strict parenting, hasn't worked, now it's therapeutic parenting and is trying to reward good behaviour and ignore bad..we haven't found anything that works yet..

Poor little lad.

I imagine "everyone is equal" and "life is just unfair" are extremely hurtful for him to hear, and he's probably feeling very insecure. It must feel to him as though he's the only one expected to tolerate "unfairness". And actually, all the children shouldn't be equal in the eyes of the adults. Just like your children are your priority, DSS should absolutely know that he is his dad's priority, above everyone else on the planet. And certainly above his new wife's kids. That's not to say that he should be treated like royalty whilst they are ignored. Not at all. And of course he needs to learn that the household should operate in a mutually supportive and cohesive way. But he does need to know that he is his dad's priority. Just imagine how it must feel to endure the breakdown of your family unit, all the animosity between your parents, being introduced to a new partner and her kids, and then having those people live with your dad while you now only see him a few times a month.

Your kids possibly feel more stable than him, I think it's not fair to compare

He's 8 and has been through a messy divorce - which continues to be messy, by the sound of it - he's regularly used as an emotional football between his parents, he has been subjected to inconsistent parenting both between and within the households, he feels replaced and heartbroken because your DH is "very close" to another child who lives with him....the poor little sod doesn't know if he's Arthur or Martha. No wonder he's experiencing behavioural problems.

The 8yo needs counselling. Family therapy would be fantastic, but your DH would have to be on board.

I would refuse to have anything directly to do with his mother, if I were you. It isn't constructive and it isn't going to be, so I would make it clear to DH that he needs to be doing all of the liaising with her.

You're not wrong to say that all of the children should be equal and nobody's wellbeing should be privileged above anyone else's, but it sounds as though this child has marked emotional problems which your children don't, so he will inevitable need a different approach. Equal doesn't mean the same - children aren't the same.

Can you manage a 1on1 with dad thing that is the same every single contact weekend? Like Dad picks him up from afterschool club and takes him to McDonalds for tea. Or they always pick up the supermarket click and collect together on Saturday mornings and chat/have coffee. Or they go swimming every contact Sunday afternoon. Something that shows him Dad has time for just him but that he knows is going to happen every single time he comes over. The camping trips and stuff are great and should continue, but the boring routine stuff is powerful because it’s just reassuringly there all the time.

I totally agree with Puppers above. I feel very sorry for this little boy. No doubt he’s picked up on the animosity towards his mother. You sound kind and thoughtful, OP, but I don’t think you really understand the upheaval and emotions he’s going through. In his mind, you and your DC have ‘taken his place’ in his Dad’s life. Telling him life’s not fair is unkind and hardly likely to help when he’s got the raw end of the deal and you’ve not.

If he only visits EOW and mid-week, why can’t those days - or at least the majority of them - be more centred on him? Your DC get the attention all the other days. So, no, everyone isn’t equal, and I’m sure your DSS is old enough to see that.

As for his mum, how do you know she’s ‘had problems’? Why not approach her (when needed) with a completely neutral opinion rather than one given to you by her ex? The comment about benefits - did she actually say that, or did she just say it would muck up her benefits rather than that was the only reason she wanted more time with her son, which was what you’re implying? Obviously I don’t know the woman but you seem a bit keen to imply she’s hysterical and struggling. Perhaps she’s just upset and hurt? Same as her son.

Oops - didn’t answer your question! I think you should back right off and leave the discipline to his father, but you shouldn’t openly ignore him. Smile, be friendly but don’t get involved.

This sounds really hard and it sounds like you are being sensible and doing your best. It must be hard for DSS that his Dad spends more time with your DD and DS than with him. I think your DH reply needs to take the lead with parenting his DS here and be the one to deal with the tantrums since clearly you are in a bit of a bind.

I must admit this is one I would really like to see the other side of, as it’s one with a near saintly OP and children and then the ‘bad’ ex wife and stepson.

I think things may be more nuanced than this.

I don’t understand why the comments
about mum forcing codependency and manipulating? According to OP the child is reporting things to mum whch
aren’t great and she’s defending the child? The communication might be poor but as his mum she should be telling dad that his own child
needs to be the priority. Parents should put their children first. It’s quite possible he’s built up his
own picture of how great life is at dads house but telling him ‘life isn’t fair’, ‘people have it worse’ etc is quite invalidating and I can see why that’s causing issues. You didn’t answer whether your own children are there all the time OP? I think splitting the visits would be a good idea. Or is it arranged so that the children are in and out of the house at the same time?

yes I’m serious . Ignore the bad behaviour and only engage when he is behaving . He is having tantrums because he wants to get his own way.

I think that kids can be really damaged by the effects of parents' separation even if the parents are ultimately much happier. I think your SS is letting everyone know that he is unhappy and while his behaviour is unacceptable you need to get to the root cause. I imagine he feels insecure with his dad having moved on with a new partner and children. I would keep out of chatting to him about his behaviour and leave it to his dad. I would encourage his dad to spend quality time with him alone and make it clear that he comes first with his dad. I would prioritise a good relationship with him as well - maybe you could spend some time with him as well and let him know that he is loved and cared for. It sounds like nothing you do will be right with his mum so I would steer clear.

SS has just turned 8 and stays with me and DH EOW and one night in the week (mum won't agree to 50:50 because of in her words her 'benefits will reduce').

Don't really know why this info is necessary. Why would you want 50:50 anyway, so you can ignore him for more of his life?

Mum is of the opinion that DSS needs come before everyone else's. DH has tried to explain on several occasions that yes DSS is very important but so is everyone within the family; we're all special and important. She doesn't listen and continues to pedal the narrative that we're not putting DSS first. Very tiring to hear that in 101 different versions.

Well I don’t think she’s wrong. You’ve highlighted that DSS feels jealous. His father spends 100% of his time with your children and about 15% of his time with his own son. Of course he’s going to feel neglected. Shortly after a messy divorce he needs more attention, especially from his father who is now mostly absent from his life. Obviously DSS is relaying how he feels and his mum seems to be sticking up for him which I would expect you would do if it were your children we were talking about.

I’m not sure you should be doing anything here exactly other than showing him kindness. Leave your DH to spend regular 1-2-1 time bonding with his son and sort out the discipline if required.

I agree that you should continue as you do already with DSS, rather than disengage with him, and just ignore his mum. Make sure she only contacts your DH, not you, and he can respond with different versions of "There are three children in our house and we try to meet all their different needs as fairly as we can". Just get him to repeat like a broken record.

Court doesn't have to be expensive, your DH can represent himself so the only costs would be the court fee. I'm not 100% sure if the price now but it was around £200-£250. I think you need a c100 form for the child arrangement order, but the gov.uk website gives you all the information you need and will tell you which form you need.

This poor child. He's been through the divorce, his mum sounds less than nurturing and his dad (however well intentioned) hasn't found a consistent parenting style. When he has a meltdown, he's left alone with his emotions, as if no one wants him around when he's hurting.

He needs some consistent love and attention, not for you to show him that yet another adult is inconsistent and withdraws attention at will. I'd avoiding engaging with his mum, but please don't disengage from him

Adding also - I can see you have genuine affection for him and he really needs this.

I saw this from the inside as a kid. My friend’s mum remarried and her stepfather moved in with her, her mum and her sister. His son used to visit EOW. He always looked shellshocked and I think it was just really, really hard for him that his dad had a new family who were with him all the time. No amount of camping trips made up for that. He was sad, envious, heartbroken. Although as adults we know it would be difficult, I don’t think we realise just how painful the situation is for kids.

Unfortunately in this scenario DS’s mum is also nuts which makes it even harder.

Does your dh spend quality time with his son without you and your children. I can imagine it's hard on him to know his dad is playing happy families without him. You blaming his mother is not helping him. You dh needs to be a father to his child and spend quality time with him he maybe able to get more out him and guide him on what's going on.

You have to put yourself to one side and not take offence.

You're not his mother you have to allow dad to bond with his child.

My step mum is the best thing that happened to us. She gave us a stable, normal life when with her and my Dad. My parents stayed far too long together and we all have MH issues due to the toxic home life and are now NC with my mother.

Perhaps the SS mother should put her own son first and allow 50/50 so he doesn't feel this way instead of blaming the OP for trying her best with a child that isn't her own?

@Pullinghairout81 could you look into the possibility of DH representing himself? Or have you looked at whether he would be entitled to any legal aid? Can ex afford a solicitor? Maybe posting on legal will help.

I know no one wants a fight, I'm just thinking of SS having been a step child myself. Things need to be sorted during childhood because they can be life long. I didn't meet my step mum until my teens so the damage was already done.

For what it's worth... I'd:

Back off - let DH address this.
Ignore, ignore, ignore the ex. Giving her way too much headspace and power is pointless. This includes DH not passing on her gripes.
Up the 1:1 time between DSS and his dad.
Go to court - I have no idea what the ex means about more contact impacting her benefits. If she means she will get less child support from your DH, then yes, that's true, but this doesn't impact her benefits. DH should be fighting for more time with his son.
Protect your own children from the current issues - and make sure they are not being pushed in to blending all the time - make sure the three of you go our without DH and DSS.

So further treat SS differently? All children need one to one time with their parents whether they live with them or not, but what your suggesting is a divide within a family. 'You're not his mother'...no she is not but it is her household and her family. And I'm also sure he's already bonded with his Dad given he used to live with him and he's 8.

Lots of projection here I think.

I’m so surprised by the extremely harsh line towards little children posters can take on here.

ignoring is immature and abusive. It clearly isn’t the answer. Where as I agree giving life lessons isn’t your place,that’s up to thr parents, I certainly don’t agree with ignoring the child. Unless you’re all good with your partner ignoring yours.

personally if I was with someone who felt that the way forward was to ignore my child I would end the relationship and I guess that’s where yours is headed.

You've had a lot of advice about parenting, which is great.

Wrt the ex-wife/mother, I would suggest:

1. you not to have any contact with her at all. Let your husband deal with her.
2. husband to keep contact with her factual. Text (or WhatsApp, email, whatever as long as it's written) to arrange pick up and drop of of their son and other necessary arrangements. Don't engage in any other conversation. Text is better (IME) anyway, because then there's a record of what was agreed, if one person tries to claim that they were never told something or that something different was agreed. When picking up, just say hello and goodbye, no need to get chatting. If they need a longer conversation, over their son's needs, he should ignore any attempt to turn the conversation onto emotional issues, blame, recriminations etc. Just blank it and carry on with the factual point.