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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ‘allow’ child to be vegetarian?

153 replies

Red0 · 17/05/2023 02:02

DD8 declared herself vegetarian about a year ago. It was mildly inconvenient at first as none of the rest of us are, so making meals for me, DH and other DC is a little challenging, but it’s fine.
Vege DD has been very committed and hasnt doubted her choice at, she won’t eat gelatin in jelly, sweets etc. Also won’t eat any meat substitutes like veg sausages or quorn.
She is quite fussy but we think she’s still eating well - lots of veg etc, plenty of dairy and nuts, plus chickpeas, lentils, some beans. Also a daily kids vitamin/supplement.

MIL and SIL cannot get past this and speak to her like she’s stupid about it, or to us in front of her eg. “Well why is she like this?” “Where has she got this from?” (quite accusatory) “How ridiculous!” “Your making rod for your own back here letting her call the shots.” “You should tell her no.” “It’s not healthy/right.” “You should her this/that/the other.” It’s like they think she has some illness and that we’re idiots for ‘allowing’ this.

I mean being vegetarian isn’t my bag but if that’s what she wants and she’s eating what I think is healthily, I don’t think AIBU am I? Well I guess I know I’m not really, but other parents have been a little eyebrows raised or they laugh and ask if she’s grown out of it yet, so maybe IABU

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 17/05/2023 12:21

There Is a thread about a vegetarian lunch, posters are offended that there is no chicken drumsticks and sausage rolls I bet your inlaws are on that op 😄

Your dd is eating what she likes to eat and enjoying it she doesn't "need" meat.

gogohmm · 17/05/2023 12:22

My dd became vegetarian a little older. I made it clear that if she is vegetarian she can't be fussy on what she's served at home, especially at other peoples houses who have gone to special trouble and also restaurants particularly abroad. It actually helped to get her to eat a more balanced diet

mindutopia · 17/05/2023 12:53

You sounds like you are doing a great job at supporting her. To be fair, we should all be eating less animal products, for our health, the plant and our monthly food budgets - and I say this as a non-vegetarian who raises her own animals for (personal) consumption. Even living on a farm, we only eat meat a few times a week and vegetarian the rest of the time.

It's so easy to be vegetarian now. I was one for 20 years from age 11 and it was not easy back in the 90s. And also really easy to be a healthy one at that.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone criticising how my child eats and I'd be avoiding situations where we had to share a meal with either of them going forward.

Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:02

@Usedtobecool
My parents were supportive but got criticism from the wider family
It’s ludicrous isn’t it? Why on Earth would the wider family have any opinion on it at all, not mind a critical one?

OP posts:
Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:07

gettingolderbutcooler · 17/05/2023 07:17

I would respond by bringing my daughter into the room (if she isn't there when they make these comments) and say in front of them:

'Daughter, sil and mil are saying they don't understand why you're vegetarian. I'm telling you though that I'm incredibly proud of you - and it doesn't matter what they think, you're a great girl to follow through with your beliefs.
If you want to try and explain it to them you can. But you don't have to and you never will have to. Hopefully this will be the last time we have to say this.'

I really like this, thank you for the suggestion.
have told her several times I am proud of her for making decision in something she believes strongly about and sticking to it.
Your idea I feel should put them in their place although it probably won’t, they will just have some other bull shit to say about it. But at least it shows I am supportive of her and stand with her rather than against her.
I would feel dumb as f*ck if an 8 year old started schooling me but I think they are too dumb to notice that’s what’s happening.
think Im going to try this though next time.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 17/05/2023 13:09

Good for your dd! 😀 she's absolutely right to stand by what she feels is right for her and I would be extremely proud of her and take to task anyone who laughed at her or treated it as a joke.
at eight years old she had far more empathy for her environment and animals than hundreds of thousands of adults.

Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:16

Cupoftea80 · 17/05/2023 07:51

Sounds pretty healthy to me. The only thing I would say is, are you giving her different meals while the rest of you tuck into meat and 2 veg and this is why the in-laws are singling her out? When I went veggie at 11 my mum was supportive but she kept cooking her traditional meals while I had something completely different like a salad or pasta.

Could you try cooking veggie meals for the whole family? You could always add some meat on the side for those who want it.

I’m veggie and out of me, DH and the 5 kids there are 3 veggie and one who is very ‘flexi’. Our meals tend to be mostly veggie with sometimes a meat option on the side- eg veg stir fry with some cooked chicken for those who want it, pasta carbonara with chopped up bacon on the side for the meat eaters. Quite often we just all eat veggie, and the meat eaters just have meat in their lunch or when we are out.

Yes this is very much like what we are doing too @Cupoftea80
We have started eating way more vegetarian meals than we anticipated doing, but when we do eat meat it is like fajitas and stir fry where we just add chicken into ours and she has hers without.
ILs are the ones who usually leave her eating differently because they’ll make a shepherds pie or bolognaise or something when we go over and then say “What’s she going to eat? It’s either this or nothing while you’re in our house.” So we always end up having to take stuff with us, only basic like pasta but they don’t make any effort to have something in that she can eat. Then sit there commenting on how what she’s eating isn’t healthy enough. I might turn up with a basket of veg next time and snarkily point out it’s because they never have any.
Breakfast at theirs is always a full English so again DD can’t have the same as everyone else. I will often say I’d actually rather have the same as DD - to show solidarity to her and also in my own petty way to turn my nose up at whatever they have made LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:21

FatGirlSwim · 17/05/2023 08:48

I’ve been vegetarian since I was 7. My mum lied to me about what had meat in. I haven’t forgotten it. You’re doing the right thing, op.

Yes I’ve had a couple of people suggest sneaking meat into her meals or telling her something is fake meat when it’s not. I wouldn’t dream of doing that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:23

FloweryName · 17/05/2023 08:10

You’d be doing something very wrong if you tried to force her to eat animals when she clearly doesn’t want to.

And it really would be force feeding her as she was literally gagging eating meat before she gave up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:24

MooseBreath · 17/05/2023 08:14

YANBU.

As long as your DD is being provided with all the nutrients she needs (which she is based on your description), then there is nothing unhealthy about her diet whatsoever.

I would suggest that you start teaching her to cook a bit so that you don't always have to prepare multiple meals!

Yes she loves to help with the cooking and is doing an online vegetarian cooking class currently so that’s been beneficial too

OP posts:
Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:30

NoSquirrels · 17/05/2023 08:19

MIL and SIL cannot get past this and speak to her like she’s stupid about it, or to us in front of her eg. “Well why is she like this?” “Where has she got this from?” (quite accusatory) “How ridiculous!” “Your making rod for your own back here letting her call the shots.” “You should tell her no.” “It’s not healthy/right.” “You should her this/that/the other.” It’s like they think she has some illness and that we’re idiots for ‘allowing’ this.

You REALLY need to tell them to mind their own business. Good lord, they speak to her like she’s stupid? I’d stamp on that quickly and hard. They’re ill-informed, and they need telling. Every time, as often as necessary.

In my house, we don’t force people to eat food they don’t want to eat. That’s it. There’s plenty of nutritious food in the world, of all types, and we’re lucky enough to afford the choice, so no one needs to eat anything they don’t wish to, for whatever reason.

It’s like they are digging to get to the bottom of some deep problem in her and all the why have you decided this, who has told you about this? like she’s joined Scientology!
thankfully in trying to make her feel stupid, they are only making themselves look stupid and she sees that and they are just completely ignorant. DD and me laugh about them and there strange ways of thinking. She knows from this and other things they say that they are ignorant. Things like chips and crisps are veg because it is potato. Thankfully making themselves look more stupid than making her feel stupid as if feels like they are trying to - well either that or just generally criticize us

OP posts:
Betterbear · 17/05/2023 13:31

I find it hard to believe a 7 year old, which is what she would have been 1 year ago, being able to come up with this all on her own. Especially the info about gelatin sweets, that is far too much information for a child of that age without it being because someone somewhere is influencing her.
That sad, it is not healthy, not for a growing child of that age. Yes humans are going through a fad just now, and the responses on here reflect that. But facts are facts and children are far too young to adopt such habits. You just don't know what problems you are storing up for the future if you allow this to continue.

ICMB · 17/05/2023 13:38

They need to relax because you’re not forcing her. It seems unusual because it’s a child and people will be wondering how much of it is the child’s choice I guess. It’s not necessarily permanent, that might calm them down 😂

nonevernotever · 17/05/2023 13:38

@Betterbear any number of us on this thread have already mentioned our experience of this at the same age as OPs DD or younger. Obviously I can't speak for everyone, but I know in my case at 5 I decided entirely for myself that I didn't like the taste of meat or fish as I connected it with animals in fields. It took a little longer to realise about gelatine, but not much.

CharlotteRumpling · 17/05/2023 13:41

Betterbear · 17/05/2023 13:31

I find it hard to believe a 7 year old, which is what she would have been 1 year ago, being able to come up with this all on her own. Especially the info about gelatin sweets, that is far too much information for a child of that age without it being because someone somewhere is influencing her.
That sad, it is not healthy, not for a growing child of that age. Yes humans are going through a fad just now, and the responses on here reflect that. But facts are facts and children are far too young to adopt such habits. You just don't know what problems you are storing up for the future if you allow this to continue.

I have been veggie since I was a child. Am perfectly healthy. Vegetarianism is not a Western influencer fad. It is a way of life for many cultures.

Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:43

Betterbear · 17/05/2023 13:31

I find it hard to believe a 7 year old, which is what she would have been 1 year ago, being able to come up with this all on her own. Especially the info about gelatin sweets, that is far too much information for a child of that age without it being because someone somewhere is influencing her.
That sad, it is not healthy, not for a growing child of that age. Yes humans are going through a fad just now, and the responses on here reflect that. But facts are facts and children are far too young to adopt such habits. You just don't know what problems you are storing up for the future if you allow this to continue.

Thanks for the concern, not so much for the judgement. Yes your comments are the kind of thing we are up against. I don’t know if you really are ignorant enough to believe what you are saying (see all other PPs) or if you are just bored on a Wednesday afternoon and wanting an argument with strangers on the internet to amuse yourself.

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 17/05/2023 13:44

Critiquing vegans and vegetarians is so normal in this society, my MIL is also like this

Melassa · 17/05/2023 13:52

@Betterbear my DD knew and understood about gelatine and meat derivatives at younger than 7.

In any case it’s perfectly fine for a child to be raised on a vegetarian diet. Hardly a fad, many societies are and have been vegetarian for centuries. If anything it’s our Western diet full of far too much meat consumption and UPFs that is abnormal.

OP, oddly enough the most fierce criticism of my DD’s vegetarianism was from vegetable refusers and the beige freezer food brigade. I just ignored it, my DD has a much more varied diet than they do, and is a lot more aware of nutrition which helps her make better food choices in her teens.

Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:52

Betterbear · 17/05/2023 13:31

I find it hard to believe a 7 year old, which is what she would have been 1 year ago, being able to come up with this all on her own. Especially the info about gelatin sweets, that is far too much information for a child of that age without it being because someone somewhere is influencing her.
That sad, it is not healthy, not for a growing child of that age. Yes humans are going through a fad just now, and the responses on here reflect that. But facts are facts and children are far too young to adopt such habits. You just don't know what problems you are storing up for the future if you allow this to continue.

But to answer your points - she ‘came up with this’ by knowing that meat is from animals and knowing that she loves animals too much to want to eat them. That and not particularly ever having enjoyed meat. We don’t really know any or many other vegetarians - she doesn’t know of any, so there has been no influence there.
She is aware of gelatin and what it is and what it is in due to having some Muslim friends who obviously don’t eat it.
Not healthy in what way? She’s eating well from all the food groups plus having additional vitamin supplements. What would you recommend she ate oh wise one? Chicken nuggets? Big Mac perhaps?
She’s obviously not too young based on the many other experiences of PPs.
I don’t know what problems I am storing up for the future if I allow this to continue? 😅Erm maybe supporting her well informed choices! Alternative is forcing her to eat something that makes her gag? Yeh cause that wouldn’t create problems in the future would it? lol

Hope that helps you understand a little more what you were finding so hard to believe. And hey look, instead of an argument you’ve got yourself a little education there - WIN!

OP posts:
crackofdoom · 17/05/2023 13:55

God, this is giving me flashbacks of Christmas dinners with my parents when the DCs were tiny. My mum would be putting slices of turkey and chipolatas on their little plastic plates with a wink and a sly comment like she was getting one over on me.

I'm a vegetarian. I don't keep or cook meat at home. It is utterly up to my DC what they choose to eat out of the home, and always has been. ATM, DC1 is pretty much a standard carnivore- and I'll buy him meat if he wants when we're eating out- and DC2 says he's a vegetarian "apart from beef" 😆

I seriously don't know what point my mum thought she was trying to make.

Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:56

Divorcedalongtime · 17/05/2023 13:44

Critiquing vegans and vegetarians is so normal in this society, my MIL is also like this

Weird right? Like should be more normal for me to be sat there critiquing her fat ass piling her chips into her gob with every meal.

OP posts:
Leonardsfavouritecake · 17/05/2023 13:57

I would be very proud of your DD for sticking to her principles. If she is being sensible and eating healthily then it is nobody else's business. It seems like you are being a good and supportive parent.

Divorcedalongtime · 17/05/2023 13:58

Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:56

Weird right? Like should be more normal for me to be sat there critiquing her fat ass piling her chips into her gob with every meal.

Show quote history

Lol totally

Original poster
Red0 · 17/05/2023 13:59

@Melassa
OP, oddly enough the most fierce criticism of my DD’s vegetarianism was from vegetable refusers and the beige freezer food brigade. I just ignored it, my DD has a much more varied diet than they do, and is a lot more aware of nutrition which helps her make better food choices in her teens.

Yes it is almost as if they think they are being looked down upon for their food choices and go on the defensive.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 17/05/2023 14:00

I have known younger children who could name all of the Greek AND Egyptian Gods. Who knew facts about dinosaurs that are never taught in school. Not shocked at this 7 year old!