To ‘allow’ child to be vegetarian?

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DD8 declared herself vegetarian about a year ago. It was mildly inconvenient at first as none of the rest of us are, so making meals for me, DH and other DC is a little challenging, but it’s fine.
Vege DD has been very committed and hasnt doubted her choice at, she won’t eat gelatin in jelly, sweets etc. Also won’t eat any meat substitutes like veg sausages or quorn.
She is quite fussy but we think she’s still eating well - lots of veg etc, plenty of dairy and nuts, plus chickpeas, lentils, some beans. Also a daily kids vitamin/supplement.

MIL and SIL cannot get past this and speak to her like she’s stupid about it, or to us in front of her eg. “Well why is she like this?” “Where has she got this from?” (quite accusatory) “How ridiculous!” “Your making rod for your own back here letting her call the shots.” “You should tell her no.” “It’s not healthy/right.” “You should her this/that/the other.” It’s like they think she has some illness and that we’re idiots for ‘allowing’ this.

I mean being vegetarian isn’t my bag but if that’s what she wants and she’s eating what I think is healthily, I don’t think AIBU am I? Well I guess I know I’m not really, but other parents have been a little eyebrows raised or they laugh and ask if she’s grown out of it yet, so maybe IABU

I would respond by bringing my daughter into the room (if she isn't there when they make these comments) and say in front of them:

'Daughter, sil and mil are saying they don't understand why you're vegetarian. I'm telling you though that I'm incredibly proud of you - and it doesn't matter what they think, you're a great girl to follow through with your beliefs.
If you want to try and explain it to them you can. But you don't have to and you never will have to. Hopefully this will be the last time we have to say this.'

I’m so surprised by that reaction-most people I know are vegetarian. Seems an odd thing to make a big deal about

Yanbu. My youngest D's decided at age 4 he didn't want to eat animals. The rest of us are omnivores but he is now nearly 7 and has stuck to his decision. Sometimes people get these feelings early and stay with it. I just I insist on a balanced diet and vitamin/b12 supplements. When I was stuck/unsure I spoke with the Dr to check he was getting everything and now I let him get on with it.

I'm vegetarian and DC is also, very healthy, a mixed diet. If anyone tries to critizise it, I shut it down very quickly.

My son became a vegetarian at around the same age, and he’s now in his 30s and apart from the couple of years he was vegan (partly from choice, but mostly a domineering gf) he’s always had a very balanced diet.

I was vegan as a teen (although that was a part of an eating disorder) and 35 years ago the amount of prejudice from my family was huge, which then fed further into my anorexic brain’s food restrictions. Which is why when my son made the informed choice to become vegetarian we supported him wholeheartedly.

From my own experience & the mental scars I still deal with daily, meals must not be a battleground.

I absolutely wouldn't put up with the criticism. I'd openly challenge them on it.

I'm 42 and became vegetarian at 9. Dd became pescatarian at 10.

You sound as though you're doing a great job of supporting your child's choice. Some meat eaters don't like it when people choose to be vegetarian because it throws their own love of meat into the spotlight and makes them defensive. More so if it's a child, who will be classed as faddy, fussy or spoilt. I was vegetarian for many years and heard it all, mostly from DP's parents, but there were low level snarky comments from others too. Plenty of huffing and puffing if they were organising a meal, as if they were the ones having their choices curtailed, when actually it was me having to pay over the odds for the same crappy old pasta bake everywhere I went.

Sounds pretty healthy to me. The only thing I would say is, are you giving her different meals while the rest of you tuck into meat and 2 veg and this is why the in-laws are singling her out? When I went veggie at 11 my mum was supportive but she kept cooking her traditional meals while I had something completely different like a salad or pasta.

Could you try cooking veggie meals for the whole family? You could always add some meat on the side for those who want it.

I’m veggie and out of me, DH and the 5 kids there are 3 veggie and one who is very ‘flexi’. Our meals tend to be mostly veggie with sometimes a meat option on the side- eg veg stir fry with some cooked chicken for those who want it, pasta carbonara with chopped up bacon on the side for the meat eaters. Quite often we just all eat veggie, and the meat eaters just have meat in their lunch or when we are out.

I became a pescatarian at 11, over 30 years ago. I must have been a bit awkward at the time as I didn’t eat much veg or much variety at all. I really started to eat better once I started cooking for myself a few years later. I am grateful for my mum letting me do my own thing and now eat a much better diet and enjoy cooking!

I should say I was worried about what my gran would say as she was very traditional and an amazing cook, but she was very supportive (in my hearing anyway)

I was five when I became vegetarian more than 50 years ago and am so grateful to my mother for not making a fuss about it, and cooking meals that could be adapted for me.

Same! I went veggie at 10 and still am at 47! I cannot tell you how much I look back at my parents - hardcore meat eaters then and now - trying to support me (after the initial week or two of making all my meaty favourites 🤣). I think it’s brilliant you’re doing it and making sure she’s eating a balanced diet.

You’d be doing something very wrong if you tried to force her to eat animals when she clearly doesn’t want to.

Good for you OP. Ignore them and carry on. My dm thinks the same but dares not say so to my face.

my ds suddenly became veggie age 5 and a half (not long after his dad did), I rolled my eyes a bit and it is in all honesty a bit of a faff (esp when on holiday abroad) however being vegetarian is a sensible choice these days and one to be encouraged. It sounds like your daughter had a healthy diets - my son likes the fake meats. It would be much harder for us if he didn’t tbh. He’s now 10.

People like to paint vegetarians (and especially vegans) as preachy types who never shut up about it. But there's a much larger and more vocal opinionated bunch of meat eaters out there who are outraged by our very existence and stick their unwanted opinions in at every opportunity.

Agree. They take it so damn personally.

YANBU.

As long as your DD is being provided with all the nutrients she needs (which she is based on your description), then there is nothing unhealthy about her diet whatsoever.

I would suggest that you start teaching her to cook a bit so that you don't always have to prepare multiple meals!

MIL and SIL cannot get past this and speak to her like she’s stupid about it, or to us in front of her eg. “Well why is she like this?” “Where has she got this from?” (quite accusatory) “How ridiculous!” “Your making rod for your own back here letting her call the shots.” “You should tell her no.” “It’s not healthy/right.” “You should her this/that/the other.” It’s like they think she has some illness and that we’re idiots for ‘allowing’ this.

You REALLY need to tell them to mind their own business. Good lord, they speak to her like she’s stupid? I’d stamp on that quickly and hard. They’re ill-informed, and they need telling. Every time, as often as necessary.

In my house, we don’t force people to eat food they don’t want to eat. That’s it. There’s plenty of nutritious food in the world, of all types, and we’re lucky enough to afford the choice, so no one needs to eat anything they don’t wish to, for whatever reason.

You are doing the right thing OP.
I too decided at 8 I was going to be vegetarian.
Soon as I knew where meat came from that was it for me...but I wasn't allowed to make that choice.
Very much a house of you will eat what you are given and you don't leave the table till your plate is clear.
Resulted in many issues of avoiding meal times or being sick afterwards.
I haven't eaten meat since I left home

I'm married to a vegetarian and our children will be vegetarian until they are old enough to decide for themselves. I occasionally eat meat when we're out.

It's not really anyone else's business what you feed your child as long as you are feeding them a balanced diet. If you were to serve meat on your child's plate the likelihood is she would reject the entire plate - particularly if she is picky about meat substitutes I would imagine she would be unhappy about meat touching other food. If you try to sneak it in without telling her she will not trust you not to do it again so will likely reject other meals. So her healthy, varied diet is now reduced to the things she knows are safe.
Or you force her to eat the meat, have tears and arguments at every mealtime and risk causing issues with food ongoing but that doesn't really seem to be worth it.

My DD is vegetarian and I’ve been surprised at some reactions. One friend said “OMG what does she eat!” …. I felt like replying “well what the hell do you eat if you can’t think of several normal meat free meals off the top of your head”.

YANBU at all OP. I’ve been a vegi since I was 7 yrs old. I’m so grateful to my mother that she facilitated it. I have a close friend who is vegan. He parents forced her to eat meat as a child and she still feels the trauma from it. I used to get bitchy comments from teachers and other parents as well - “when are you going to grow out of it” etc. at the time I was offended. Now I just 🙄 and remember how ignorant they were

My 9 year old is veggie as she has always loved animals and wants to be a vet -‘decided almost 3 years ago & i “agreed” thinking it was a phase and not wanting to say no and restrict things. She’s committed too even on holidays and birthday parties and has never been tempted even on christmas dinner way in school she had to have mac & cheese! It’s her, most people know & accept it, a few family members still have an issue and will offer her chicken nuggets etc but she’ll leave them. My older daughter (13) follower her soon after so i have 2 veggies now so most of the time we all eat veggie meals for ease bur my husband and son still eat sausages / burgers etc especially on holiday but i’ve gone right off it. Some kids just know their own minds & i think you are right to let her choose

I think it's great that you're supporting your daughter's choices and defending her when others attack those choices.

I expect this will eek out into other parts of your relationship because she knows you respect that she can be her own person and still get your unwavering support.

standardduck · Today 02:25
I would support her and tell ILs it's none of their business.

It sounds like she is eating well. Make sure her vitamins have b12 & D in.”

This.

I’ve been vegetarian since I was 7. My mum lied to me about what had meat in. I haven’t forgotten it. You’re doing the right thing, op.