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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still expect them to pay their share of the holiday?

494 replies

somethingunpredictable2012 · 16/05/2023 15:57

We have booked a holiday for 4 families (been booked and planned for over a year), however one couple have announced they are expecting and so won’t be coming on the holiday as baby will be 2/3 months old when holiday comes round so they don’t want to go. The couple have paid the deposit but the balance of the holiday is now due. They haven’t mentioned paying their share of the rest of the cost of the holiday and when asked about the holiday at the time of their pregnancy announcement they simply said “oh yeh, we won’t be coming now, which is a shame, but never mind there will be other holidays”. Their conception and pregnancy has been difficult (no one was aware they were even trying for a baby previous to the announcement) and so bringing up the money/holiday has been difficult due to the issues they have had as there never seems to be a good time. But with the balance of the holiday now due and myself and DH having booked the holiday we are liable for the full amount if the other couple don’t pay their agreed part of the holiday. (Lesson learned never to do that again!). One couple have already paid their share in full and don’t want to pay anymore to split the cost of the 4th couple not coming. The other couple think we should just split the cost between us and suck up the extra cost (£800) so as not to put any more pressure on the couple not coming. The couple have ignored all messages relating to paying the final payment, but DH thinks they should pay up and I should contact them directly and insist they pay their share as agreed. I hate confrontation and don’t want to add to their issues if they are having a difficult pregnancy, but at the same time I don’t think it’s fair they just assume we will all now pay their share, as that wasn’t the cost we all agreed to and we could have actually found somewhere smaller which would have been cheaper. Obviously trying for a baby isn’t always easy or predictable but they would have known this may happen when we booked the holiday, but didn’t mention anything and they seem to have just washed their hands of it like it’s no longer their problem it’s now ours to sort out. It’s obviously causing a lot of tension between everyone involved. What would you do? Is it unreasonable to still expect they pay their share even if they don’t want to come anymore?

OP posts:
bakebeans · 16/05/2023 18:37

It's in the terms and conditions. They were fully aware when they agreed to come. They should be made to pay the balance they owe. Their problem not yours. Why should you and the other families foot the bill

Notimeforaname · 16/05/2023 18:37

Basically they have been trying for a baby and it has happened after probably a lot of disappointment, do you expect them to leave baby at home or bring it on a couples holiday? Either find a couple to replace them, cancel and lose the deposit or accept they are not going to pay for a holiday they are not going on especially when they have baby expenses.

Basically, other people should not lose money or be forced to pay more money just because someone chose to have a baby. 🤣 madness

Irritateandunreasonable · 16/05/2023 18:39

Lindjam · 16/05/2023 16:06

Don’t you normally just lose your deposit if you cancel a holiday with months to spare?

They probably don’t realise as it’s quite uncommon. Did you spell out at point of booking that the whole cost of the holiday was non refundable and effectively couldn’t be cancelled?

But then they would all lose their deposit.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/05/2023 18:39

Email them

Hi x, congratulations on the pregnancy news, so pleased for you. I don't want to put a downer on your good news but I'm afraid the balance is due on the holiday. I fully appreciate your reasons for not coming now, however we can't afford to split your share 3 ways and of course if we cancel now we all lose our deposits (and the holiday). So I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you for your share of the holiday balance. Obviously if we find another couple to take your spot we'll refund you, but I'm afraid I'll need £££ transferred over to me by x date.

And see what they come back with. If they refuse there's not a lot you can do. If it's been a difficult pregnancy or they've had fertility issues they'd have known this was a risk when they booked the holiday. Surely they can't simply expect each couple to stump up an additional £800 or risk losing the deposits.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/05/2023 18:42

Have you ever heard of the phrase “return the awkwardness to the sender”? You didn’t create this problem you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

One message in the group chat…

“Payments are due from everyone on Monday. @ Jack and Jill I know you said you wouldn’t be joining this round but we still need the balance of your share. We’ll ask around to see if anyone is interested in joining as your replacement and if we find someone then we’ll refund your share”.

Queengrimsby · 16/05/2023 18:42

After reading this, I mean to be fair, they entered into an agreement and every decision made in relation to the holiday was built around this agreement so I think morally they are the ones that need to pay. but obviously people dealing with extreme stress of their own aren't always going to think rationally. The fact that they aren't responding is bad form though. So I don't know maybe come at them from an understanding and compassionate way, if Monday is tight with a baby on the way maybe they can pay you in instalments. i don't think you have anything to be guilty about with regards to asking the money for something that was agreed upon though.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/05/2023 18:44

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/05/2023 18:42

Have you ever heard of the phrase “return the awkwardness to the sender”? You didn’t create this problem you shouldn’t feel bad about it.

One message in the group chat…

“Payments are due from everyone on Monday. @ Jack and Jill I know you said you wouldn’t be joining this round but we still need the balance of your share. We’ll ask around to see if anyone is interested in joining as your replacement and if we find someone then we’ll refund your share”.

Hate it when I post too soon.

If you don’t get a response from the last attempt then I’d let your DH have at it.

EpicChaos · 16/05/2023 18:49

@Queengrimsby " if Monday is tight with a baby on the way maybe they can pay you in instalments. "

Perhaps they could pay Tuesday then, for a holiday today?

lol soz, couldn't resist :-)

Mumof4alsoabonus · 16/05/2023 18:49

somethingunpredictable2012 · 16/05/2023 17:29

A couple of messages have been sent to the whole group specifying who needs to pay what by when. They just aren’t replying…

Show quote history

And have you specified there names in the who needs to pay what? That could be your way of doing it, just go along with the assumption they are still paying. Otherwise you need to tell them that their share still needs to be paid as to cancel it everyone will lose their deposits, which equals more than their share? And I would hope they would feel responsible for everyone losing their deposits.

dandersrevenge · 16/05/2023 18:54

We experienced similar to this but my DH and his DB booked an expensive sporting event for his DF birthday. DH and his DB split the cost down the middle, 100s each. DB pregnant wife later wanted him (DB) not to go due to covid risk. I understood this but did not understand why they expected FIL and DH to foot their share of the bill even though it was a birthday present! Ridiculous and entitled behaviour. It did cause issues and we had to explain to them the reason for our annoyance. And I was the bad guy for calling them out on it!! 🤨

Dibbydoos · 16/05/2023 18:55

Hi OP, I assume you've checked the cancellation policy. Could they use medical insurance to not go?

I think people like that are OOO it's rude and an obnoxious thing to do to friends.

They need to cough up whatever they need to cough up and just because you booked doesn't mean you can't get them to pay. You could easily go to a small claims court. Remember they are the ones testing the friendship not the rest of you. CFs.

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2023 18:59

Whatever they do, unless they join you, your friendship is done I think

ViviPru · 16/05/2023 19:01

This is a classic thread for igniting my fury at those who don’t read the OPs posts.

Anyway. It’s a crap situation OP. I’d be feeling really wrung out over it too but it seems like no matter how you slice it, it’s fallen to you to sort this and approach them directly. Even though that’s not fair.

I’d be so upset at them for putting me in such a difficult position that I’d question the entire friendship and use that sense of injustice to fuel my ability to take a deep breath and visit/call them and spell it out. Messages aren’t going to cut it here. Those who have RTFT are pretty much unanimous that they should pay, so use that knowledge to bolster yourself.

It’s going to be hard for them to flat refuse a frank but polite in-person or over the phone spelling out of their liabilities. And if they really dig their heels in then the suggestion of a 4-way split of the £800 actually seems like a palatable way forward for me if you can get everyone to agree to that, if the other couple who’ve already paid refuse that option then they’re questionable friends too…

good luck OP

justheretoread111 · 16/05/2023 19:01

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 18:26

Would you cancel your holiday and lose your deposit if your friends did the same thing ..Or would you happily pay their share?

The rest of us would have to pay our share if we wanted the holiday, of course.

Or some people might choose to cancel, if the extra cost was too much for them/they didn't want to go on holiday enough to justify paying the extra.

There is no justifying paying the extra. Very odd attitude.

randomuser2019 · 16/05/2023 19:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

justheretoread111 · 16/05/2023 19:03

Redkez · 16/05/2023 18:30

Basically they have been trying for a baby and it has happened after probably a lot of disappointment, do you expect them to leave baby at home or bring it on a couples holiday? Either find a couple to replace them, cancel and lose the deposit or accept they are not going to pay for a holiday they are not going on especially when they have baby expenses. Be nice friends and don't let this tarnish a life changing event or a friendship.

Another one who can’t read a whole thread 🙄

friendlycat · 16/05/2023 19:03

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2023 18:59

Whatever they do, unless they join you, your friendship is done I think

Unless they pay to not go or join I would tend to agree. There’s no reason they can’t go on holiday with a three month old baby. It’s their personal choice.

At the very least they should be trying to come up with a solution that’s reasonably acceptable to everyone, even if it does mean that everyone splits the difference including them. But that requires a big communication on their part and goodwill. There seems to be nothing on their part.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 16/05/2023 19:04

somethingunpredictable2012 · 16/05/2023 17:11

To be fair he did say he would speak to them, but he tends to take a bull in a china shop, hot headed approach and despite feeling like they have dropped us in it I don’t want to make it worse by him saying something he later regrets. So he said I should speak to them then. But I hate confrontation and it’s giving me sleepless nights about the right thing to do! But I think I’m going to have to find the courage somehow, or let him do it, as waiting for them to fix the issue isn’t exactly working! What was a dream holiday is turning into a bit of a nightmare and I really don’t want to lose friendships.

Show quote history

I'd be making sure the rest of you make a decision what to do as a group and then approach the other couple as a group. This isn't your sole responsibility and you shouldn't have to be the "bad guy" here.

Nosleepforthismum · 16/05/2023 19:04

Just let your DH do his bull in a china shop approach. If they are ignoring all roundabout messages about payments being due they definitely are trying to wriggle out of paying so I don’t know why you are worried about pissing them off.

As an aside, they will probably regret not doing this abroad trip with a lovely, non-moving baby. I regret not going away when my DS was that age. I even remember telling my DH that we should wait until he’s older as it would be more fun …

Redladybirdbaglady · 16/05/2023 19:07

I'd be inclined to let DH take the bull in the china shop approach and attack it head on tbh. The whole attitude and CF-ery would mean the end of our friendship for me either way. I just couldn't ever let that level of inconsiderate behaviour go.

sandyhappypeople · 16/05/2023 19:10

Cupoftea80 · 16/05/2023 18:09

I don’t think the other couple who are going can refuse. As PPs have said, you need to make this a group problem. If the couple who aren’t going refuse to pay, the rest of the couples can’t expect you to take the hit!

Show quote history

They’ve probably refused as they know that option is the path of least resistance for the OP and they’ll get shafted while the other couple don’t even get challenged about it.. I’d dig my heels in too at this point if the couple not going hadn’t even been asked to pay!!

if you’re feeling charitable you could ask the couple not going to pay half the balance owed as a ‘good will gesture’, leaving £400 to pay between 3 couples? (If I’ve understood the maths correctly).

SheilaFentiman · 16/05/2023 19:11

“Payments are due from everyone on Monday. @ Jack and Jill I know you said you wouldn’t be joining this round but we still need the balance of your share. We’ll ask around to see if anyone is interested in joining as your replacement and if we find someone then we’ll refund your share”.^

This

Nocutenamesleft · 16/05/2023 19:15

towriteyoumustlive · 16/05/2023 17:07

I would contact them along the lines of:

"Hi, I appreciate you've said that could no longer want to go on the holiday, but the balance is now due and your share is £800. Please could you transfer this ASAP as I cant afford to pay your share? It's up to you if you want to find someone to take your place, then they can pay you directly. We will also try and find a replacement too. Thanks x"

This!

Allblackeverythingalways · 16/05/2023 19:15

Secondwindplease · 16/05/2023 16:31

There is nothing about a difficult pregnancy that makes someone morally exempt from fulfilling their financial obligations. They pay or the friendship is over, in my view.

I personally would have paid the full balance when I first mentioned I couldn’t go, so as not to leave people wondering. Some people are just brazen.

Yep.
If they were friends of mine I'd be putting pressure on them to pay.
If they refuse I'd never speak to them again.
It's CF behaviour and pregnancy is not an excuse to shirk financial commitments.

Newmum0322 · 16/05/2023 19:16

Unfortunately I think this is something the other three couples will need to suck up. It’s poor form on the expecting couples part, but typically you’d only lose a deposit when cancelling a holiday. The fact it inconveniences the other couples in this scenario is unfortunate, but it’s a risk that you took when booking.

There’s a few variables here, not least the fact that holiday prices have gone up so you couldn’t find a suitable alternative. You could ask for the money but I expect they’d be reluctant to pay, and likely don’t have the money spare now their expecting a child. It’ll sour relations and you need to weigh that up before approaching them for cash.

I’d make effort to try and find a 4th alternate couple. Someone mentioned upthread that they should do this… but you don’t want to holiday with their friends surely, makes sense to ask people you know/like.