Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh thinks we should make her go to Pre school

124 replies

Letsallgobacktothe90s · 16/05/2023 15:17

Dd, 4, goes to Pre school three full days per week. I work part time, but can be a little flexible. The last couple of days, she’s really cried in the morning and not wanted to go. She’s not ill, but has been tired, she says she likes it there but that she doesn’t want to go as she misses me. I’ve sieve a long time talking to her about how I miss her too, but I have to go to work, her to Pre school etc, but she was v upset and clinging to me, saying she misses me and even she misses the dog and wants to stay at home. The mornings have become stressful, but I’ve let her stay off for two days, she’s promised me she’s going in tomorrow. I’ve had to move my work around, it’s ok, but not ideal and can’t continue.
Dh was cross this morning with her and took a stricter approach saying she has to go in etc and isn’t happy about it all.
We live abroad and formal schooling doesn’t start until age 6
What would you do, who is in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Letsallgobacktothe90s · 16/05/2023 15:18

*Spent

OP posts:
Original poster
Letsallgobacktothe90s · 16/05/2023 15:19

She just doesn’t seem herself at all, she’s generally ok to go in and play and see her friends

OP posts:
sonjadog · 16/05/2023 15:23

You don't have any choice though, do you? She has to go in as you have to work. Or are there other options? She will get used to it in time.

DreamHomeCatcher · 16/05/2023 15:26

There'll always be periods of increased separation anxiety but I agree with your husband that it's better to help your daughter with the separation but still make her go. You could enter with her, stay a little bit and then say goodbye and tell her when you see her next.
I think the fact that you let her stay might actually confuse her because now she can't be sure each day will you let her stay at home or will she have to go and that can be more stressful than having that routine.

crispycrisps · 16/05/2023 15:27

She's got to go in really otherwise how are you going to work

SummerHouse · 16/05/2023 15:27

Neither of you are wrong. It's tricky.

I totally see where you are coming from and it's right that you listen to your child but... It's possible that this will come up again and it may give DD a sense that she has control over going or not. You have managed this but it was no doubt inconvenient and can't continue.

If she happily goes tomorrow then you probably made the right call but it's a bit risky.

VapeVamp12 · 16/05/2023 15:27

Oh I really feel for you. My son has been in nursery and now pre-school. Now he's 3.5 some mornings he says he really doesn't want to go and cries. Its heartbreaking. I explain to him that I need to go to work so that my work give me money and I can buy Kit-Kats. That seems to get him moving along a little

Sorry don't mean to make light of your situation. Maybe distracting her, or mentioning the name of a friend or person who works there that she likes?

UndercoverCop · 16/05/2023 15:28

DS was a bit like this after the last school holidays, they had three weeks off at Easter, DH and I took annual leave and he was looked after and had days out etc by grandparents. He was reluctant to go back to preschool. Until he was actually there then he had a fantastic time.

Unless she's ill I wouldn't be keeping her off, they generally enjoy it once they're there, sometimes I think they can get a bit tired if they've had a lot of busy days/been away etc, try and break down the week for her , when you'll next be off together etc. She doesn't go much at it is, so I don't think it's too much that she goes for the sessions she's booked for. If she gets into these habits now what about when it is proper school and she has to go?

Lcb123 · 16/05/2023 15:29

I think consistency is key with kids. If you keep letting her stay off, she’ll never want to go again

Wenfy · 16/05/2023 15:30

She probably doesn’t miss you but the stuff she gets to do while you work. If screens or junk food are involved I would be removing them. Make her time at home as structured as possible to align with nursery.

AIbaa · 16/05/2023 15:31

I think YABU, it won't harm her to learn consistency and that she can't always have her own way.

Sirzy · 16/05/2023 15:31

Instead of playing to her worries with the “I miss you” type comments focus on the fun and exciting stuff at pre school. Keeping her off isn’t going to help things in the long run

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2023 15:33

I feel for you but I would make her go because she's going to have to go to school every day in September and she needs to start preparing for that.
Can you draw a heart on each of your palms as a connection?

Topseyt123 · 16/05/2023 15:39

I don't think you've helped anyone by allowing her to stay at home for the last couple of days. I'm with your DH and would make her go.

When she starts school she won't be able to take time off just because she misses you so she needs to get used to that now.

Don't keep her off again unless she is ill. It gives out completely the wrong message.Chances are she is fine once there anyway.

TeaAndBrie · 16/05/2023 15:45

the minute you allow her to stay if she has won and will do it again to get what she wants. My DD did this as preschool and the staff kept calling me to collect her as she was upset, missed me, missed anyone she could think of.
don’t let her get away with it, the tears will come, the emotional blackmail, the crying until sick - girls use every tool going!
I know it’s tough but tell her it’s not an option, you have to go to work etc.
stay strong and she will soon move onto something else to challenge you with!

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 15:47

I agree with your DH. She's starting school soon too, and it's not going to help with that if she thinks that if she cries she doesn't need to go in.

My DS struggled with missing me sometimes. We drew a little heart on his wrist which was a "kiss from mummy". When he missed me if could give me a little kiss. He liked that a lot, and would often ask for it to be redrawn.

Beseen22 · 16/05/2023 15:48

I disagree that it sets a precedent. She is just young and sometimes long nursery days are too much, especially if they are transitioning out of naps. My DS is 3 and goes every day 9-3 and by Thursday he is absolutely exhausted and every battle to get to nursery. I take DC1 to school so we need to walk to nursery anyway but one day by the time we got there he was so distressed and didn't know what to do with himself. I kept calm and said "you can either go to nursery today or you can come home with me and have a long nap at lunch time" and he instantly calmed. We had a lovely morning then he slept for 2 hours and the next day went straight back in to nursery no problems and had a great time. Some kids just need a little longer to transition to nursery.

h3ll0o · 16/05/2023 15:49

My 3.5 year old daughter is like this. If I move work around and give her the odd rest day she then goes off happily to preschool the other days. This is even when she’s knackered as she’s secure in the knowledge that I do my best to accommodate her emotional needs

DucksNewburyport · 16/05/2023 15:50

I agree with your DH, I know it's sad but unless she's ill I think she needs to go. Otherwise it will just be harder in the long run.

Mutabiliss · 16/05/2023 15:55

She has to go though, because you work. Mine gets like this occasionally when he's had a fight with another child, but I can't keep him home because I have to work. He goes to his key worker and I explain, he has a cuddle, they distract him, and then he's fine.

I would absolutely send her tomorrow, and be really firm about it. She's got to go to school soon so she needs to get used to it unfortunately.

mindutopia · 16/05/2023 15:58

I've never let any of my dc stay home from anything just because they didn't want to go. My mum was like that though...and as a result I missed an entire year of school because I 'didn't want to go' and she felt too guilty taking me (there's a lot of issues there).

TomatoSandwiches · 16/05/2023 16:03

It's preschool so not the end of the world, just don't let it be a regular habit.
I don't think it's the worst thing in the world but not advisable if it interfers with work, maybe plan something extra fun for the first day she is off with you to cajole her.

Original poster
Letsallgobacktothe90s · 16/05/2023 16:04

She won’t start school in September, it will be September 2024, after she’s just turned 6
Thanks for all the feedback, I probably should have forced her, I’m not sure what’s going on with her as she was really crying, she is v tired and lying down etc

OP posts:
PlanBea · 16/05/2023 16:05

I've seen people do things like draw a heart on your wrist and on her wrist and she can touch it when she misses you, or a little friendship necklace/bracelet type thing. Would something like that work? I agree giving in and letting her stay off now because she doesn't want to go (especially with no obvious illness/bullying/etc reasons) will make it harder in the long run, even if it is hard sending them in when they don't want to go!

Throckmorton · 16/05/2023 16:10

Can you focus on something she can look forward to each day, rather than the missing-you aspect? Eg when she says "I miss you", you could reply with how much you are looking forward to hearing all about how her next day at pre-school went, and how excited you are to hear about what a fun day she'll no doubt have. Focus on getting her to think about what fun things she's going to do, and how she can tell you all about them at the end of each day.