Dh thinks we should make her go to Pre school

[Letsallgobacktothe90s]

Dd, 4, goes to Pre school three full days per week. I work part time, but can be a little flexible. The last couple of days, she’s really cried in the morning and not wanted to go. She’s not ill, but has been tired, she says she likes it there but that she doesn’t want to go as she misses me. I’ve sieve a long time talking to her about how I miss her too, but I have to go to work, her to Pre school etc, but she was v upset and clinging to me, saying she misses me and even she misses the dog and wants to stay at home. The mornings have become stressful, but I’ve let her stay off for two days, she’s promised me she’s going in tomorrow. I’ve had to move my work around, it’s ok, but not ideal and can’t continue.
Dh was cross this morning with her and took a stricter approach saying she has to go in etc and isn’t happy about it all.
We live abroad and formal schooling doesn’t start until age 6
What would you do, who is in the wrong here?

My DD loves the book Under the love umbrella and when I drop her off at nursery she often says we’re under each other’s love umbrella, have a look and see if it might work for you both. I also made her a pendant with our initials on that she used to touch if she missed being with me. She settled in amazingly well to start with then after a few weeks started getting sad about going - she wanted to go and see her new friends and have fun but she wanted me to be there too. The book and pendant worked a treat and she was over it in a few sessions. She doesn’t ask to wear the pendant for nursery anymore.

I think you know that something’s up with her at the moment even if you’re not sure what. The way some posters are talking about perfectly normal behaviour in a very young child is incredibly cold. You’ve done the right thing to trust your gut and she’s probably coming down with something or going through completely normal separation anxiety, time will tell. Your work is flexible, that’s great, and you’ve managed to juggle things as best you could. If you had to be working and out of the house you’d have had no option but you didn’t and you’ve been there for her as she needed. You’ve got many many years ahead of you both where she’ll have to go to school. This time won’t last long.

I hope things improve for you soon.

My DD (3.5) had a couple weeks of this a couple of months ago. Her teacher and I agreed that taking her home would be a mistake and make it harder for her in the long run. She calmed down within seconds of me leaving each time.

Thanks everyone,

So she went in this morning with no problems, kept it positive as usual, I didn’t talk really about it, just got her clothes/bag ready as usual.
She got lots of sleep last night.
I feel I definitely made the right decision, she wasn’t ill, but clearly v tired and needed me and to be at home and do nothing. I don’t feel this is pandering at all, she’s had this once before at Pre school and I did the same thing and she was back the next day and fine.
I really don’t feel that she was *Trying it on, she’s only 4 and likely does want to be at home and with her mummy, which is very understandable really.

Well done to both of you and I’m sure she’ll have a great day.

I think they all go through periods like this.

It's okay if you think she is under the weather and over tired to give it a couple of days but after that you will need to be firmer.

I had similar and it's horrible handing them over to the staff crying but after one day doing this she trotted in again as normal.

Could she take a little toy or teddy to make her feel reassured?

Sorry just seen your update. That's great.

It's not a reflection that she doesn't like pre school, just that everything is a bit overwhelming. My daughter absolutely loved hers but still did this a couple of random days!

I feel I definitely made the right decision, she wasn’t ill, but clearly v tired and needed me and to be at home and do nothing. I don’t feel this is pandering at all

Well, I’m not totally sure I agree with this, but at least she’s gone in now.

Personally my daughter has been going to nursery since she was 6 months. We have had a few stages of not wanting to go. I’ve never let her stay at home because I have to work. Also I think that they then know the option is there not to go if they don’t want to. I’m a teacher and I know plenty of children that use this to their advantage.
My daughter is now 3 and goes 4 days a week. She often cries on a Tuesday morning because she’s not going 😂.
I have a lot of anxiety about her going to preschool soon but I’m trying not to let her see that as she’s excited. I wouldn’t say things like I miss you too. This will make them worry about you when they leave you so they will think staying with you will make you happy.

I think your husband is right. She has got to go and any ground you give will make it harder next time around.

We are going through exactly the same thing with our DS, although he said it was his toys he missed

I feel your pain. Went through this with my 7 year old at nursery and school and unfortunately we had to be consistent and send her anyway. Unless she was ill then obviously we would keep her off x

When I say I miss her too, I say it very lightly and then say but I have to work and she has to go to school and do fun things, activities, learning and seeing her friends. I always say I’m not going to be at home (even if I sometimes am for a part of the day)
There was no issue this morning though at all and she was back to her normal self.
We as adults have hard days when we’re very tired/ill/emotional, kids do too and ar 4, she’s so small really still. I don’t feel I did the wrong thing and that now she’ll take advantage of it.
We had similar in around November and again she was really exhausted and coming down with something then I think, she went back in easily when she was back to normal. If it became a regular thing, it would be different and I wouldn’t allow it

She might have been a bit sick or just exhausted, sometimes they need a day at home to rest and do nothing and then they are OK again. They are long days when they are little. Don't worry too much. My younger one had a lot of days off, it wasn't ideal but for him neither were the long days with lots of children, it's tiring.

transitional objects might help
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/Pages/Transitional-Objects.aspx

I am probably wrong, but my hunch from reading your post is that something is bothering her at the pre-school and this is her "way" of telling you.

I would ask her if there is something or someone she does not like there?

@Budikka Do you think so?
I’m wondering why she’s ok to go today?
I have asked her if she enjoys it, if everyone is nice to her etc, she doesn’t like a couple of the boys, but seems to be able to cope with it and they’re friends on and off

I always struggle with this and have always been 'soft' on this issue. I can tell when my daughter is exhausted, and she is too small and precious to 'suck it up' and get on with it. Her life is going to be full of too many boring and miserable moments like this, and I want her to at least be happy now! So I just tend to rearrange my working week (lucky to be able to do so without too serious repercussions) and let her have a day or two off.

We are having the exact same problem with my DD at the moment. She's also 4, does 3 days a week at preschool. Has been hysterically crying every morning for the last 2 weeks. Her teachers have reassured me that she's settled once she's in. Have you talked to your DD's teachers? Is she calm once she's inside?

My theory is that the children are aware of a big change coming up, starting 'big school' and just knowing that things will be changing is unsettling for a young child.

My advise would be to make 'goodbyes' short & sweet:
"Goodbye darling, I love you, see you later" and then leave v quickly. Drawing it out just makes it worse for you both.

She's 4 so will be in school in September . Less than 4 months time. The school will be less keen on her keep being let stay home eferytime she creates. My eldest DD tried this sort of thing tears clinging wailing etc. I let the nursery staff cart her in and went to little window that you could se kids in room ( was in nursery office before anyone goes on about strangers watching the kids) and could see her playing quite happily 2 mins later.

As long as she is well and has slept properly just take her, explain why she has to go and then leave it. Of course she will cry and complain and moan and do everything in her power not to go but if you can’t make a grown up decision about what is happening then she will just keep at it. Otherwise she will just be confused or trying it on every day she is meant to go. Believe me every child has days like that and it depends how you handle them what happens. I don’t have my kids in nursery all day every day as I don’t want to but they don’t decide the days they go I do. You are there to teach and guide your child not listen to every whim she has and believe she is right, she’s still learning and you are the adult!

Next time this happens trust your own judgement Op, as it seems you do know your own daughter best and did exactly the right thing for her. They do get tired and overwhelmed at that age and sometimes a day at home and a good rest is all that needed to get them back to normal.

I've had a horrible day at work today, the "go to work to get money for kitkats" has given me a giggle.That's my motivation for work tomorrow right there 🤣

You need to be firmer about this. She's 4, it's preschool and it's not negotiable. Just as school will be non negotiable and work will be non negotiable. Stop feeding her anxieties, reassure her that she'll see you soon and take her to preschool, kicking and screaming if need be. You're doing her no favours for the future otherwise.

How does that work when they are still doing it at 7?

Are the kids she doesn't like there all the same days as her? Or perhaps she knows they don't go on Wednesday which is why she was happier to go in today.

When my dc were little and I was able to accommodate it I did let them 'skive' the occasional day so we could spend time together. Only preschool, not when they started proper school. And certainly not every week.

Are you paying for her to be there?