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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh thinks we should make her go to Pre school

124 replies

Letsallgobacktothe90s · 16/05/2023 15:17

Dd, 4, goes to Pre school three full days per week. I work part time, but can be a little flexible. The last couple of days, she’s really cried in the morning and not wanted to go. She’s not ill, but has been tired, she says she likes it there but that she doesn’t want to go as she misses me. I’ve sieve a long time talking to her about how I miss her too, but I have to go to work, her to Pre school etc, but she was v upset and clinging to me, saying she misses me and even she misses the dog and wants to stay at home. The mornings have become stressful, but I’ve let her stay off for two days, she’s promised me she’s going in tomorrow. I’ve had to move my work around, it’s ok, but not ideal and can’t continue.
Dh was cross this morning with her and took a stricter approach saying she has to go in etc and isn’t happy about it all.
We live abroad and formal schooling doesn’t start until age 6
What would you do, who is in the wrong here?

OP posts:

PeloMom · 16/05/2023 16:45

You are not really helping her. Her behaviour is very normal and she needs boundaries and consistency. My DC does the same and once at pre school within 5 minutes is settled and happy.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/05/2023 16:47

Sounds like she's coming down with something so you and DH may well be home with her anyway.

You've moved what you can to give her time, tomorrow if you have to go to work you have to send her. If she's poorly, they can call DH to collect her

DonnaBanana · 16/05/2023 16:48

If this is a new development and she’s really that upset I’d be more suspicious to be honest. Bullying, social problems or it simply not being the right environment etc. was she happy going before? Attachment issues don’t usually just spring up suddenly out of the blue (of course, they can).

Deadringer · 16/05/2023 16:52

Can your dh bring her? My ds loved preschool but he always got upset when I was leaving him, when dh brought him he was fine.

lanthanum · 16/05/2023 17:33

It's so difficult to know what's best.
At that age, my DD had two or three Fridays when she was really clingy and didn't want to go in, or me to leave. In each case, she came down with a bug by Monday - so quite possibly that was the early warning sign!

TeaAndBrie · 16/05/2023 18:00

You know you’re child best, trust your instincts. If you think she’s trying it on then you need to give a consistent message. If you think there’s something genuinely upsetting her or that she’s poorly then keep her off.
children are always a little ill at that age as they’re building up their immunity.
on the days that she does go to nursery does she ask you if you’re at home? My DD used to get upset if she knew I was at home as she would rather be with me (primary school).
your post read as though you didn’t think there was really much up with her apart from being tired.
Either way, do not let a 4 year old call the shots or you’re in for a world of hurt as they get older. Children need boundaries.

viques · 16/05/2023 18:06

I don’t think a four year old really understands what “promise” means, so allowing her to stay home because she has “promised “ to go to pre school the next day is you assuming a much greater level of maturity in your child than she has.

Frankly it is lazy parenting, you are allowing her to make a “promise” of future behaviour because it is easier for you to do that and postpone the eventual upset than it is for you to be a parent and make the decisions.

Superdupes · 16/05/2023 18:08

I definitely wouldn't get cross or 'force' her to go, that is just going to leave her feeling more insecure and even less wanting to go. If she was tired and not feeling great then at her age I'd let her have a couple of days off too - maybe she's coming down with something.

Now I would start being really positive about her going and remind her of all the things she likes doing there, remind her that her friends will be looking forward to seeing her, remind her that you will be working and that you will really look forward to seeing her after and that you can do something nice together - play a game, go to the park, get an icecream or whatever. Just be really positive and encouraging and she'll probably love it once she gets there.

ReadtheReviews · 16/05/2023 18:14

Absolute crap that you should force a crying 4 year old who misses you and time at home to go to preschool so it doesn't set a precedent for her to be manipulative. Listen to your instincts. It won't hurt a 4 year old to have some time to recoup. If you're able to have some quality, restful time off with her, have it, she'll never be that age again.

MerryMarigold · 16/05/2023 18:17

Your post is confusing. Either keep her off because she is ill or 'force' her to go in. You know if you're child is ill and she is able to tell you if she has sore throat/ ear ache etc. If she's just going through an insecure phase then actually the best type of security is to know where boundaries lie and not that they are flexible.

The best way of dealing with this is to talk to preschool. Explain she's unhappy, try and figure out with them why this could be and maybe they will be more observant with her and what's going on. Maybe a friend has turned against her (they do at this age, already, have friendship issues) or maybe they are talking a lot about the children why are leaving and it's making her insecure. Who knows? However, just keeping her off won't solve any of that.

853ax · 16/05/2023 23:35

A growth spurt or phase that will pass.
Remember one my children something similar the older wiser 4 or 5yo telling him 'this is life' he didn't complain then ;)
Maybe in morning don't focus on going to pre school start talking about what will we do when I pick you up later ...
Good luck

niunaona · 17/05/2023 00:07

I went through this - if you have any way to rearrange things give her all the support she needs, from my perspective it’s the best thing. My daughter was distressed with going to nursery for a period and we made the days shorter and sometimes she skipped nursery if she was upset. It was difficult as I was working from home and really struggled at times. I wondered like you if I was doing the right thing and was accused of being too soft. But I couldn’t send her in crying so I was as creative as I could with reducing the nursery time. She gradually became more resilient and I think she felt that I listened to her. I think that builds trust more than rules and consistency at all cost. She is now happy and confident, goes to nursery with no problems, has lots of friends there, without the trauma. From your description, it doesn’t sound like your daughter is putting it on, it’s quite heartbreaking that she says she misses her mum and even the dog and the response would be to force her. If you can give her more time at home, please do.

pastabest · 17/05/2023 00:16

Ask pre-school if they will do her a sticker chart for attendence for a couple of weeks.

Worked wonders in a similar situation for one of mine.

bussteward · 17/05/2023 07:47

When my 4yo does this and says she’s too tired for it, I suggest that she must be poorly – and poorly children don’t stay home with mummy to watch TV, bake, colour, go to the playground, etc. Both parents will split time off work to look after her but it’s stay in bed, lights off all day so she gets over the tiredness. But if she thinks she’s not that poorly and can scoot to nursery where there is XYZ activity instead… 10/10 she chooses nursery. And inevitably comes home going “I miss nursery, why do I have to leave?”

Isthisexpected · 17/05/2023 08:00

She's got two years before she starts school. I'd just make sure she goes the minimum amount so you can work and enjoy your time together before school.

Bathintheshed · 17/05/2023 08:02

When on your way there tell her about your plan for the day 'and then I'll be right back to collect you'. Draw a heart on your arm and hers, tell her to rub it when she misses you so she feels connected to you.

AngelinaFibres · 17/05/2023 08:12

Lcb123 · 16/05/2023 15:29

I think consistency is key with kids. If you keep letting her stay off, she’ll never want to go again

And you have created the message now that if she cries and makes a massive fuss you will give in and let her stay at home. So every morning she will cry and make a massive fuss until you give in. Be light and positive and take her. Walk away and she will settle.

peachicecream · 17/05/2023 08:15

Don't say you miss her too when she says she misses you. It just increases the emotions and the negative associations of nursery (i.e. you think nursery is bad too because it makes you miss her as well).

Nursery is a nice place, you need to reinforce that.

When she says she misses you, just talk about the positive things about nursery. 'Let's go and see X worker/ child that she likes - I wonder what they'll be doing today?' 'What are you going to play with today? How about X toy that she likes?'

You need to improve the positive associations with nursery. By saying you miss her too, you are just reinforcing that nursery is horrible and tears you apart and that is making it worse.

talktalk66 · 17/05/2023 08:16

Have you spoken to the nursery? How is she when she is there? If she is fine there once you've gone, then it could be just the initial leaving you. The practitioners at the nursery should be helping and supporting you with this, as it would be a common thing that they deal with.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/05/2023 08:17

I'd make her go. She needs to understand that you work. And I dont think rearranging your work around her will have helped with this concept

I'd also call the pre school and tell them what's been going on and see if you can get to the bottom of what's been going on and do anything to help her worries. Ask her what she likes best and doesnt like about pre school to see if there is anything you can change

TheWayTheLightFalls · 17/05/2023 08:18

I agree with PP - less of the "I miss you" type stuff, more "I understand. But you'll go to nursery this morning and when I come to collect you we'll go to the park / have an ice lolly / whatever else.

Ostryga · 17/05/2023 08:19

She’s starting school in September and your job as parent is to ensure she attends. She can’t take day off because she doesn’t feel like it.

Dd says this every morning, or that she’s ill. I always say let’s go in and if you are still poorly school will phone me and I’ll come pick you up. That’s never happened yet. Consistency is key. Dd is only off if she’s properly poorly - vomiting etc.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 17/05/2023 08:20

I think you probably need to be clear that she has to go when you are working or you are giving her the option and she will wonder if she can stay home with you more often. But I wouldn’t send her if you aren’t working. My kids missed being at home even in Reception, or the younger one did. And I don’t see the issue with letting them stay at home - when it is actually possible - they grow up so fast and are independent before you know it.

so just work out what is workable and stick to it

Smineusername · 17/05/2023 08:21

Your DH is wrong. It's not natural or healthy for very children to be away from their family all week. My mother put me in full time childcare from 6 months, I hated it and cried every day. I will never do that to my children. Men do not understand.

There are more important things in life than money and you will not get a second chance at her childhood. She's telling you how she really feels. Listen.

Stifledlife · 17/05/2023 08:30

When my child went through this no amount of reassurance/bribery/force worked. He cried and clung and remained upset after I dropped him and I couldn't do that to him.. So I went too. I sat in the corner at nursery (with their permission) until DS told me I could leave. First day 2 hours, second 15 minutes, third day he told me I could go immediately. I think he just needed to feel in control a bit.

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