Dh thinks we should make her go to Pre school

[Letsallgobacktothe90s]

Dd, 4, goes to Pre school three full days per week. I work part time, but can be a little flexible. The last couple of days, she’s really cried in the morning and not wanted to go. She’s not ill, but has been tired, she says she likes it there but that she doesn’t want to go as she misses me. I’ve sieve a long time talking to her about how I miss her too, but I have to go to work, her to Pre school etc, but she was v upset and clinging to me, saying she misses me and even she misses the dog and wants to stay at home. The mornings have become stressful, but I’ve let her stay off for two days, she’s promised me she’s going in tomorrow. I’ve had to move my work around, it’s ok, but not ideal and can’t continue.
Dh was cross this morning with her and took a stricter approach saying she has to go in etc and isn’t happy about it all.
We live abroad and formal schooling doesn’t start until age 6
What would you do, who is in the wrong here?

You’re confusing her with letting her not go (and I’d cut back on the ‘I miss you terribly too’ as that may be fuelling the problem.

I feel for you, it’s so hard when they are like that. My son is 5 and mostly enjoys school but has been tearful the last couple of weeks, he’s ok once there and teacher says happy etc. it’s started after Easter hols, being off ill and 2 long wkends so I’m wondering if he’s just got used to being at home. He’s also not quite himself but not poorly as such so I’m at a bit of a loss. He has to go to school so I just talk about nice things we can do together when he comes home like playing board games and making cupcakes, that seems to help. Inside im crying but I stay positive and happy chatting about friends at school and we organise play dates with the kids he likes, it helps to build a stronger bond when socialise away from school/preschool. Maybe plan some things she enjoys for after school. I would try not get into habit of letting her stay home as she at think she can do it each time doesn’t want to go, I know my son would. I think 3 days a week is a good balance and it’s good for her to socialise.

I think your husband is in the right here - schooling is compulsory, she has to go and giving her the option to ‘opt out’ creates a rod for your own back. You will be making her worse because she knows if she pushes she sometimes gets what she wants, which exacerbates behaviour targeted at getting what she wants, such as tantrums and manipulation. If she really can’t cope with mainstream schooling you need to get some help, for example therapy for her anxiety.

You say the nicest things 😁
DD is 16 now and we have a truly lovely relationship.
all children push boundaries, it’s up to us as grown ups to respond to that

@TeaAndBrie But why was it necessarily that she was pushing boundaries? What it it was just a very tired and overwhelmed little 4 year old who generally copes very well with the demands the big world puts on her. She perhaps just felt emotional and wanted to stay with her mummy & dog.

I don't think a four year old who wants to stay at home with her mother is boundary pushing at all. It's really sad to think like that.

It sounds like you know your child and she seems “off”. Maybe she’s having a growth spurt and extra tired/hungry, coming down with something that hasn’t fully appeared yet whatever… If it had been going on weeks I’d be more for the “consistency, tough love” approach as she obviously does have to go when you work. However it’s only been two days… So well done you for listening to your child’s needs and giving her time to regroup.

Go back tomorrow with a positive attitude, don’t make too much of fuss of it. “I love you, enjoy your day and I’ll see you later.” She’ll be picking up if you are anxious/stressed about the situation. Keep your tone and body language light and breezy. “I love you, I’ll miss you and I’ll pick up (be specific: end of the day, after lunch etc.”)

If you can handle the returning to nursery calmly then you definitely did the right thing, showing her it’s ok to occasionally take a break when things get too much. To listen to her body, to rest.

This stiff upper lip nonsense for a 3.5 year old is bonkers!!

I’m old now, @Letsallgobacktothe90s but I didn’t go to preschool. I went to kindergarten when I was 5.
I had extreme separation anxiety from my mom. I cried every single solitary morning. I cried every morning the next year. And while I’m sure it hurt my mom, she bundled me up and sent me on my way to school, where I cried all recess. I was a mess.
I eventually grew out of it, but I remember that painful ache for my mother and how I couldn’t wait for school to be over so I could run home. I hated school anyway. Every year of it.

Maybe you just have to wait for your daughter to grow out of it, I don’t know. But speaking on your daughter’s behalf, it hurts.

I’m with you DH on this one. You are enabling her to be a school refuser at such a young age. She needs to just get on with it and will be fine.

Yes because 4 year old girls are manipulative little madams with an agenda to overrule you eh @TeaAndBrie ?

they definitely couldn’t just be small anxious children who are genuinely worried.

i’m sorry your DD has someone so unsympathetic and misogynistic as a parent

I would have a word with the pre school, explain how she is feeling and ask them to keep a special eye out on her.

When my child is reluctant to go in I used to say, "I will be thinking about you all the time". It seemed to help him.

You could also pop a laminated photo of you or the dog in there, give her something small ans not precious of yours and ask her to keep it in the bag and return it to you at rhe end of the day. Or if you wear perfume, a piece of cloth with your perfume on it.

My child has struggled with going to pre school and school, I must admit, I don't let him stay off and sometimes it does tuen into a battle. But I do recognise his feelings and understand that they are likely coming from a genuine place.

No-one is in the wrong. It is difficult when that happens but it's common. The problem here I'd say is your husband's approach, what does it hurt to show a bit of love and compassion, why so harsh? She's only 4. He needs to calm down.

With nurture and a gentle approach you can help her get back into preschool again and get over this tricky stage.

The preschool should be helping too.

Working with reception age children, its not uncommon for a child to be upset when they come in to school and miss mum/dad/dog etc. It generally lasts about 5 minutes though whereas you think about it all day and feel like a sh*t mum! I would honestly stick with it as it will make her transition to school much easier.

in my second response I did say that you know your child best and to always go with your instincts.
the whole point of your original post was to ask if you were being unreasonable about moving work and keeping her off Pre-school. Surely the fact that you asked showed that you weren’t completely sure and that your DH also thought you were being unreasonable.
As mums we have to make so many decisions every day and we can’t possibly get them all correct.
however, if you wanted an echo chamber to reassure you that you were right and DH was wrong then AIBU is not the place for this.
You do you, but if you ask for opinions then don’t be surprised if you don’t like what people have to say.

Well this just got very personal 😂

Okay.

First thing first: Don't panic, everything is normal. Sometimes children don't feel good about separation.
Would you feel comfortable changing the narrative a bit?
Instead of "I miss you too but YOU HAVE TO go to school and mum HAS TO work", how about "sure we'll miss each other but you will learn so much and see your friends. And mum likes her job too and will do this and that"..

I think you are right. She's still so little so if she needs a duvet day with her Mummy then I think she should get it. She won't be this little forever. Being strict and forcing separation is not helpful at all and will lead to anxiety etc in later life. People should just believe their children and stop thinking of everything being a battle of wills. Instinct is a very important aspect to our personality and if we deny a child's basic needs (like comfort, sleep, rest, food.) they will stop listening to their own instinct and won't make good decisions as adults.

Are you planning on home schooling? If not will she turn into a school refuser? Then what?

If there are days that she has to go to preschool because you work, then I would send her on each scheduled day as long as she is healthy.

If you let her stay at home on the days you can juggle your work commitments, you'll teach her that she can decide not to go when she doesn't want to. That will backfire on the days you're not able to juggle work, and will be an issue when she starts school and can't just "not go".

I am with your DH on this one - she goes on the scheduled days unless she is ill