Dh thinks we should make her go to Pre school

[Letsallgobacktothe90s]

Dd, 4, goes to Pre school three full days per week. I work part time, but can be a little flexible. The last couple of days, she’s really cried in the morning and not wanted to go. She’s not ill, but has been tired, she says she likes it there but that she doesn’t want to go as she misses me. I’ve sieve a long time talking to her about how I miss her too, but I have to go to work, her to Pre school etc, but she was v upset and clinging to me, saying she misses me and even she misses the dog and wants to stay at home. The mornings have become stressful, but I’ve let her stay off for two days, she’s promised me she’s going in tomorrow. I’ve had to move my work around, it’s ok, but not ideal and can’t continue.
Dh was cross this morning with her and took a stricter approach saying she has to go in etc and isn’t happy about it all.
We live abroad and formal schooling doesn’t start until age 6
What would you do, who is in the wrong here?

I'd save the days off for when she's clearly ill - it's hard enough to manage work round those anyway! My 3DC have never had the option of not going to nursery/preschool/school just because they made a fuss about it. DH and I have to work, end of.

You do need to get to the bottom of the anxiety though as forcing her to go in without dealing with the issue might result in school refusal in future just as much as letting her stay off when she wants to now.

My youngest had to go to private nursery daycare when she was 2 so I could go to work. She didn’t love it to be honest. I’d have to drop and run as leave her hysterical some days. As a teacher I kept telling myself she would be fine once I’d left as usually in school most kids are, but she wasn’t most kids. She often randomly dissolved into tears apparently and they put her on a happy sticker chart. She wasn’t there full time and I do wonder if that contributed as when she started pre school age 3 at her primary she was totally fine and went in every day - their pre school offered mornings as their free slot and you could pay extra for afternoons rather than just doing some full days. Being in every day seemed to help. Some days were full days and some half depending on my working pattern.

I don’t generally keep my kids off school though. I’m the mean parent I guess but we have never had school refusal. My DD2 is autistic and needs to be in school for the routine and gets upset if her attendance is not 100% and she’s stayed off only for Covid and anything else requiring 48 hour isolation - but they tend to come in the holidays for us so she had a really good long run of attendance. My younger one does have more anxiety so I’ve had to work with her on that and only keep her off if she’s genuinely poorly. I recall I got a call to collect her and I told them I would not be be picking her up as she was fine. We had been to the GP and they had suggested getting the school to look into nurture groups or counselling as they couldn’t find anything wrong. She seemed to grow out of it but some kids do need more support with managing anxiety. My DD1s best friend is a school refuser and she’s always been allowed to stay home when she wants and it’s spiralled since secondary. Who knows if there is a link to allowing kids to stay home when they want when younger and then refusal once older due to serious mental health problems. All kids are different. It’s hard to say if there’s a link.

My ds started shying away from going into pre school then saying he didn’t want to go as it was to scary which within 2/3 weeks built up to full blown tears one morning with him pleading me not to send him in. I didn’t send him got in touch with pre school and explained, they were great. We’d got a holiday booked the end of that week so I said we’ll see how he is when we get back. Long story short I probably didn’t send him for about a month then pre school let me come in later with him and stay with for a bit ect. Phased that out and he’s back loving it again now.

The mornings have become stressful, but I’ve let her stay off for two days, she’s promised me she’s going in tomorrow.

What?! She's 4! Not 15 🤣
Look its hard but you need to be firm. She's played you like a fiddle lol. My DD is 5, she's a nightmare some mornings but wtf I have to go to work, and the only way she will learn it's unacceptable to just stay home is if you instill in her that mum and dad need to go to work so she must go to nursery.
My DD wouldn't get out of bed this morning so I gave her the same speech I still have to give her everyday about why I can't be late and why she can't be late. And it works. Until the next day where she will do the same again and I'll have to make the speech again. It's annoying but you can't be ruled by 4 year old

I think most parents go through this at some point tbh. Doesn't make it less worrying for you but as a mother of of 3 I can say for me, by the time the 3rd had these days and I had 2 other kids at school and a job to attend, she was left there with no fuss made as I knew she stopped pouting within 5 mins of me leaving. Most kids do.
Sticker charts are good. And talk of what to do after pre school.
For me, they had to understand I had to go to work and i couldn't change that so this is where they had to go until I came home. Pre school/nursery/reception are nice places to be and they donsuch fun things, but maybe mention to the staff the issues and they can help on handover too?

The important thing is how is she when she is there. My son also used to cry everyday at preschool but after I had gone was fine.
He has just started school '0 class' he is 6 and everyday tries to get out of going...but once there is ok.

Please don’t feel that you’ve taken the wrong action in listening to your 4 year old daughter. If she’s gone happily before there is a reason for her not wanting to go now. She may be exhausted. She might be fighting a bug but lacks the language to tell you this. She’s 4! Not a miniature adult with adult motivations. Trust your instincts.

Absolutely this. 'I don't want to' is not a reason for absence. If she is genuinely unwell, that is a different matter. You are making a rod for your own back by being a soft touch here OP. Once she is in and with her friends and teachers, she will be fine, pretty much guaranteed.

I agree with your husband. You can’t let yourself be bossed around by a 4 year old!

I’m not sure what’s going on with her as she was really crying, she is v tired and lying down etc

She sounds ill! Why would anyone send a child to nursery in this situation? I think you’re doing the right thing @Letsallgobacktothe90s I’d have kept her off too.

nobody is in the wrong, it's difficult. But it is brilliant your daughter can articulate what she needs and that you listened. Have you told the school? Maybe they can help by getting her for example to make you a present like a drawing every day, so she's happily connected to you while there. Acknowledging her sadness rather than getting cross with her for expressing completely valid emotions, might be an idea for her father to try. (Yes my bad for being judgemental, but she's tiny, he's not!)

Unpopular and controversial opinion...
But a small child unwillingly being separated from their mother is probably going to cause mental health issues long term.
Personally, I would do everything I could to at least reduce the hours she has to be there. She's not going to be crying and begging you not to leave her at 20.

There's a book called The Invisible String which might help. It's definitely worth a read. It helps my 2 when they are worried about being apart from us. I change the names in the story to their names too to make it really relatable for them.

There are more important things in life than money and you will not get a second chance at her childhood. She's telling you how she really feels. Listen.

Yeah, pesky money which allows us to buy food and clothe and house our children.
Not mention future financial security...I mean who really needs a pension??

Haven’t RTFT, only OPs posts.

OP perhaps you need to understand the source of the refusal to go in. Is there something that is causing anxiety? Everytime my DD has tried to refuse school, we have found there to be an underlying concern, whether it’s rational or not to us, it clearly is to her, and resolving it has been different depending on what it was. Sometimes we accommodate fully, other times we work to prepare her.

I wouldn’t let her stay home though, that’s just not resolving the issue. And wanting to stay home with me is how she is expressing her desire to avoid whatever it is that’s bothering her at school.

Yes,You need to send her,she is picking up on your reluctance & ambivalence
As a parent you need to project this is ok and reinforce school is positive and something she does

If you can give her free days, do that! And try to spend your time together with lot of hugs, favorite games/activities and maybe even cosleeping. When my usually active daughter get's nervous and sad, I sleep with her as an antidote. Creating a conflict and bad associations with daycare will just make things worse in the long run.

See it as an empty cup. When you will fill her cup with good emotions, she will be able to go face life again.

OP i had this with my 3 year old then last year. She started playschool at 3 (I am in Spain, so formal school starts at 6 years old). She had already been at nursery since 6 months old and was fine. I thought she would be fine, but the first three months she found it hard. She had no problem going there, but as the bus got to school she would say she didnt want to go, wanted to stay with me, wanted to go back to nursery. I never let her off, but when she had a tantrum on the bus once, i got her off and we sat at the bus stop and I asked her to tell me, in her own words, what was the matter, was something worrying her. Now I understand that she did go through ´mourning´of her old relationships from nursery. I did not realise this at the time and she wanted to stay with me to compensate. After those three months, they told me at pre-school that she started to settle and be happier and a year on she is totally fine. I wouldn´t let her off but be gentle with her and help her process her thoughts. They are big thoughts and feelings for such a teeny little person to process.

-Not sure if it's an option, but could you do more days, but half-days instead of full days?
-Prepare something "fun/positive" for each pick-up day. "See you at 3pm and we'll go to our fave café/watch Bluey together/go to the swings".

Instead of playing to her worries with the “I miss you” type comments focus on the fun and exciting stuff at pre school. Keeping her off isn’t going to help things in the long run

If it was school I'd be all this - preschool it's harder as it's not as necessary but I'd talk to them see if they know of any issue or have any ideas to help.

It could be she's tried or coming down with an illness but focusing on all the fun and positives is still the best idea and trying not to give her idea that it's optional if you do have to get to work.

Your dh is wrong to be cross with her; you can be firm without being cross and he needs to practise that. If you start straight out with "cross" over a minor bagatelle, what have you got left for actual bad behaviour?

From her behaviour it sounds like she could be either actually slightly ill and unable to say how, or she's got some kind of psychological stress; maybe something's going on that she didn't like - a new carer, a change of routine or something upsetting has happened.
My children also went to kindergarten and I remember passing a door one day and hearing a carer telling a child off for wetting the bed at naptime, saying "Are you a baby?" in a nasty voice. The child was three years old. Imagine if that had been going on. I wouldn't immediately assume that your child is being "naughty" or "lazy" or anything similar, or trying to "get the better of you" in some way. Strangers might jump to negative assumptions about her over her life, but her own family should have more trust in her.

This is my school of thought.

I am not a panderer and 99.9% of times there are fine within a few minutes of being there.

Lollll. Yes, screens and junk food are the only reason a child would want to be near their mum 🤣🤣🤣

YABU, a lot of them go through this phase. DD had to be pealed off me a couple of times by the teacher, and it is upsetting for the parent, but the pre-school have seen it 100 times before. One said to me, just wait around the corner and listen, as soon as you are out of sight she will be fine, and she was.

DD went through another phase in Reception year after XH left us, and a therapist recommended the book The Invisible String. That really did help DD. She also took a cuddly toy everywhere (filled with my hugs) which the school didn't encourage but DD needed it for comfort.