A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

You might need to be stunning if you want to be funded forever by a wealthy man for a zillionaire lifestyle. (Although many of them blag it...Hugh Hefner didn't own the Playboy Mansion, he rented it by the room from Playboy Enterprises and didn't need to pay for any empty bedrooms. That's why he downgraded the required number of his girlfriends from seven to three - fewer rooms to rent and also because he couldn't keep up with the costs. Several of them left the mansion over the years because they realised they weren't actually getting a very good deal and could find better paying, if less famous, sugar daddies elsewhere. Some of them could even perform and finish inside a woman - imagine that.)

But if you're happy with a modest lifestyle because your priority isn't fabulous wealth, but simply not to work? That's much easier.

Not saying I think it's a good idea. But you don't need to be a stunner if all you want is enough money to live in return for keeping house.

Even with post graduate qualifications it’s going to be hard to get work without relevant experience.

I’d tell my DS to keep running and not look back. I’d also be very disappointed if my DD planned to do this.

The young woman will struggle to find a decent man willing to carry her. She’d either have to look like a supermodel and go for a footballer and even then a lot of WAGs have beauty salons or some other side hustle. The other option would be some creepy old man who just wants a younger dolly bird to be seen with. Younger professional men these days often want women also earning so they can have the double income lifestyle.

I think she has the right idea. I mentally struggled with being in work every day, I wasn’t able to keep on top of the house, my mental health was in the toilet, my kids were unhappy and I was so bloody stressed all the time. Now I stay at home, focus on the housework, focus on doing things that’ll make my family’s lives happier and easier and as I result I am so much happier than I ever have been. I’ll never go back to work if I can help it.

Well, if he finds a woman who wants a SAHH and they can make it work, it's no different really. My acceptance would vary depending on whether he is fully taking responsibility for the home and being a productive partner vs. if he is playing on his gaming device all day and the wife is coming home to cook herself.

She’s got a degree, doing a masters…. She will always be able to get work with this and build a career.

Anyone even with a masters or a PhD needs to build a career. There are zillions of young people with higher degrees so having one doesn't mean you just waltz into a job.

@nettie434 but why would anyone care though? If this is what she wants to do and her husband is happy with the arrangement to provide for her?

It’s like reverse outrage.

The marriage bar - which prevented a lot of married women from going to work - was only lifted entirely 50yrs ago.

https://www.futurelearn.com/info/courses/understanding-gender-inequality/0/steps/66860#:~:text=In%20these%20occupations%20it%20was,home%20and%20potentially%20a%20family.

I remember conversations regarding women in my family where it was considered unusual for them to go to work if married, an outrage their husband couldn’t provide, and issues with them even learning to drive.

The modern woman going to work and children being shuttled off to full time childcare - “prison” was what one of my relatives called it - is all a relatively new thing and we’ve get to see the long term outcomes of it.

So I wouldn’t be so critical of this girl for bucking the trend, just yet.

Have only read the first few posts, but I’m really sick of this “how dare anyone have an opinion about anything that doesn’t directly affect them personally” attitude. And I completely agree with the OP. For a young woman to lack the ambition and application to even support herself is more than disappointing, it’s pathetic and she needs a kick up the arse. Why does she think it’s anyone else’s responsibility to keep a roof over her head and food on the table? I’m afraid I can’t respect that at all.

@PhyllisFogg

No, obviously not. But she will have the ability to walk into further higher education courses relatively quickly if she needs to retrain. And would walk into a higher paid job than say a manual labour type role. So within a few years she would be fine. She doesn’t aspire to a high income or career building, but if she needed a decent enough wage she could get one.

I mean that would be the dream,Be able to bring your children up without working. Unfortunately, for most this isn’t even an option and I would say it is very naeve to ‘plan’ this. This is something I think happens if and when people are comfortable enough that a discussion could be had going forward.

@SchoolQuestionnaire

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.

This was unnecessary and quite judgemental.

I'd say it was insightful of the OP rather than judgemental.

Some posters are missing this.

She doesn’t want to be a stay-at-home-mother…

She wants to be a stay-at-home-wife…

Most people would like to have enough money never to have to work. They often don't really care how this comes about and for young women, finding a willing man is the most likely way they could do it.

I'd guess she's stumbled across a 'trad wives' forum somewhere. This attitude is certainly very unusual in this day and age; I suspect it's an idea rather than many people's reality.

I'm unsure how the immediate assumption has been drawn upthread that this is dogwhistle 'SAHM bashing'. It isn't. This isn't someone who works, seeks to give up employment to raise children and intends to return subsequently: it's a person viewing a wedding-ring as a 'get out of work free' card, and who doesn't intend (or wish) to work at all after marriage.

Those are two different things. Frankly, I'd be surprised if any 21st-century partner, whether male or female, would be prepared to tolerate this unless they were living in the aristocratic dark ages.

She might find herself single for a long time.

TBH there are millions of women who work just for the money and who, given the chance, would be happy not to.

They are in 'jobs' rather than careers.

There are also married women who avoid working by getting pregnant, giving them a valid reason not to work.

Is there really any difference between women who just don't want to work at all and be 'kept', and women who have no qualifications, shack up with the first bloke who comes along, has kids and then have no way of supporting themselves?

It is bit weird and dangerous. I think trad wife trend is to blame? IMO, willingness to give up work and look after family should come naturally when you meet "right man" that you can trust and rely on financially, not the other way. No one should be forced, either woman to give up work and earning her own money, and man to being sole earner. Otherwise it won't work long term.

@Mumuser124 Not everyone. It wouldn't be my dream at all.

I don’t think anyone can say they’re not materialistic and in the same breath want someone else to pick up the bill for every morsel of food they eat etc. They’re materialistic enough to need to narrow down the men they’ll consider as partners to those who can support another adult.

I know a few couples like this - wife stopped working on marriage, years before kids. Their husbands are extremely difficult to supervise as a senior woman.

Shock! horror! People of different ages want different things.You do realise women can do what they like now?

@Ludlow2 Does this woman work now?

At 23 she ought to be out of uni , working, and if a masters is on the cards, she would be planning on that (and who would pay for it?)

I'd hate it. I'd become a freelance artist even if I didn't do the job I do now (and which, despite horrible sector conditions of late, I actually still love).

Doesn't make me any less of a loving mum. People need something else to cut their teeth on and pit their grey matter against. Without some form of meaningful project constantly on the go, I'd be bored rigid.

Bonkers !😆

In no form of ideal world, in any place or at any time in history, has anyone ever been able to do precisely as they like. Male or female.

Interested to know where this "cheaper" area is where you can buy a house on one salary. Not sure I've ever come across one.

YABU. Why are you so invested??!! Everyone gets to decide how they live their life - particularly when it has not impact on anyone else, why the judgement? It's only for her potential partner to say yes/no.

I'd love to be a SAHW - now SAHM as we have kids. However, we couldn't afford it and I feel it wouldn't be fair on my DH who would probably also like to spend more time at home than at work. However, the financial independence argument doesn't really work for me. I earn a higher than median wage but I couldn't afford to leave my husband if I wanted/needed to. Most people cannot afford to pay all their rent/bills and pay for kids with one wage.