A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

What a judgey post. My adult DC all have professional careers but TBH, I think as a nation we've shot ourselves in both feet with the current situation of both people in a couple needing to work their socks off to be able to afford property.

You talk about his mother being an excellent role model because she's slogging away full time with a side income as well. That's not a goal, it's a route to mental illness. Life isn't about all money.
And I say that as a full time professional, nearing retirement, who has worked hard all my life, has financial security and wishes I'd spent less time on my career and more time relaxing.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHW or a SAHM.

If that's what someone wants to do, leave them along and let them enjoy their choice.

She's not getting on at people for wanting to work, is she? But somehow it's ok for people who prefer to work to belittle and be derogatory to people who prefer not too.

I agree @loveliesbleeding1 I think women should have a choice and not receive criticism.

I also think women are now facing a very bad deal in terms of quality of life.

Gender norms still dictate that women do the majority of child care, housework, cooking….. all the modernity in the world and wishing men would change doesn’t erase this fact…. The work at home largely goes unappreciated and on top of women are to have high flying careers.

I don’t blame this girl for thinking, you know what, you expect me to keep house then you bloody well pay for it, I won’t be run ragged!

You sound massively over-invested in the life of two adults - neither of whom are relations of yours.

It is unusual to want to be a housewife these days. I don't think being a SAHM to young children should be looked upon in the same way.

I worked my way up a career ladder for a decade before having my first DC. I became a SAHM when I had him because I didn't want to leave him at nursery when he was one and I was lucky enough to have a choice. My DH earnt about the same as me at the time but his work is flexible and charged by the hour, so family balance was easier to achieve by him remaining full-time. Working part-time in my job would still have required a lot of unpaid overtime. It wasn't in our family's best interests.

If you have a partner that does not expect you to choose a certain path, pulls their weight and is considerate to your needs then I think that being a SAHM (especially to small DC) is absolutely fine. It might mean that there are some career setbacks down the road but not everyone cares about that in the same way.

Many if not most people fantasise about winning the lottery and never having to work again, but are realistic enough to know it’s not going to happen. That is quite different from aspiring to live off someone else.

Unfortunately, she is very unlikely to just walk into a job if she is 30 + and only has qualifications and no work experience. I work in an area where we are generally struggling to recruit: teaching in Dublin. I know my employers usually prefer to employ teachers in their twenties and would only go for an older teacher if they have a lot of relevant experience. Employers want younger, cheaper workers who have lots of enthusiasm and are willing to stay late because they don't have families to go home to. It's the same in every industry. Sure, she might walk into a 'job' but it's going to be very difficult to just walk into a career, as such, unless she's lucky.

I have always been a stay at home mum / homemaker ! I’m not down trodden or stupid . I hope I am a role model to my children for caring, being compassionate ,resourceful and family oriented . I’m children are now grown and due to my health I can go out to work but I now look after my darling granddaughter. I am educated literate and aware if the world around me . However for me staying at home and caring for my family was my number one priority and still is . Don’t put others down who want to stay at home . We are all different and have different needs and desires . My husband never anted me to work either so for us it worked and is still working . And it was what I told the career teacher at school I wanted !!!!! They weren’t impressed either

You sound very invested in something that isn’t your business. Everyone should make their own choice. But I’ve never met a woman who plans from a young age to be a stay at home wife.

Completely agree with this. I lots of families, women are essentially working two full-time jobs, still being paid less than a man doing one full-time job and are struggling and miserable. How is that aspirational?

I was a SAHW (accidentally) before I was SAHM. I don't see myself as a failure. And I would never dream of shitting on anyone else's lifestyle choices. As long as she's upfront and realistic about her desires, what's the problem? It makes for a very easy life and harmonious household ime. So many women end up working and running the household anyway...

I think we would all like to be a stop at home housewives, until economic reality sets in. I note the OP does not say a 'Stop at Home Parent', which would be more understandable. However, even then, most women return to work after having children, (though maybe not everyone returns straightaway, or full time).
Frankly, it is very unpleasant to be financially dependent upon someone else, and unless you have children under the age of (12?), then those years are not counted towards the state pension (UK).
So, being a housewife, without children will not qualify you for the state pension, and you would obviously not have a company pension.
Then, if you are a housewife, then it feels (to me), as if you are little more than an unpaid servant to your husband (with benefits). So frankly I would not want to do it.
Also, you are becoming reliant on just one income, which however well paid, is a risk. The DH could lose his job; the company could go bust, your DH could find someone else, etc, so in my view, two incomes (even less well paid), spreads the risk of being without any income. In the OP, the girl's father had left.
Finally, for someone to have a good eduation and considering a Masters, it seems weird to not want to work at all.
Now if the girl in the OP had stated she wanted to be a SAHM until the youngest child was 5, for example, then this would be more understandable. But to not want to work at all, speaks of some kind of entitlement.

The thing is it can work. But.. if it doesn't she's absolutely screwed. What if he becomes abusive? Withholds money? Cheats on her? She's entirely at his mercy

But that's virtually irrelevant as she likely won't find a man who will go along with this

@Robinni

Gender norms still dictate that women do the majority of child care, housework, cooking….. all the modernity in the world and wishing men would change doesn’t erase this fact…. The work at home largely goes unappreciated and on top of women are to have high flying careers.

Not long ago gender norms also included women not working amongst other things which are also different now. It can change, if we want it to.

Women also don't have to accept it, I certainly don't. I work full time but I don't do the majority of housework, cooking or childcare because my husband does his fair share.

I hope our baby sees our example as he gets older and if he wants a family, wouldn't expect his wife to do it all because it won't be our norm.

That's how we can change society. It starts at home.

Agreed
And UP is being very judgemental on 3rd hand information

@Robinni I knew someone who was educated, had a degree, worked, got married, had kids and stopped working. Husband was a decent earner, they purchased a nice place, had decent lifestyle. He had life insurance etc. Then he died in an accident (but not work related or where any compensation was involved). She then found out the life insurance etc had not been renewed (she just left it to him). The mortgage was more than she could afford with what work she could jump back into after being out of workplace/profession for years. So they lost the house, moved into a crappy run down rental, struggled, had to move constantly as landlords sold, wanted to move back in etc, had to downgrade lifestyle considerably. Wasn’t a good time at all and took her ages to even get back to where she had left off workplace wise, let alone progress. She said if she had her time over she would have never left work, it was her biggest regret, along with not micromanaging the life insurance aspect etc

I also think it odd to say that it’s not an issue as not too long ago women didn’t work and they all were just fine. I don’t think all of them were, many put up with very bad behaviour from men as they believed they had no choice in that situation, and secondly I’m not sure that they were fine when things went wrong. My grandfather died and my grandmother had to take in lodgers in order to keep a roof over her kids heads and feed them. The kids had to sleep in together in a hastily enclosed verandah so lodgers could take their bedrooms. That lasted until each kid left home and then she still had to keep one lodger after that to help with the bills etc. Personally, I like things now where women do have the choice whether to work or not, and thus a choice to safeguard/future proof themselves somewhat or not.

You sound very invested in something that isn’t your business

Isn't the whole basis of reading and posting an online forum to be interested in things that aren't really anyone's business? :)

This is her friend's son. So she's interested as it's about her friend's experience as a parent.

I don't call that being 'invested'.

Also if there aren't children in the picture, then there's not a huge amount to do in terms of running the house... certainly not enough to warrant not working. Financially you're better off working and paying a cleaner.

I wish posters would stop saying “I think we’d all like to be stay at home wives…”

Because they don’t speak for me. I can’t think of anything worse than being at the financial mercy of a man.

💯

Absolutely.

Not every woman secretly dreams of wanting to be a stay at home wife or even a stay at home mum.

@SerafinasGoose

Dark ages were 5th - 14th century.

Many married women were barred from work until the mid 1970s….

Your perception of how antiquated the girl’s choice is is flawed.

The “working woman” only really came into her own in the 1980s with big shoulder pads, big hair and power.

However, quality of life for career women and their children is quite crap and getting worse as they have to work more and more and more, so you can expect a push back.

The female employment rate is 72.3%, meaning that 27.7% of working age women do not work. A third.

Of those that do work 37.8% work part time.

So what this gives you is that only a third of women in this country are working full time. The rest are part time, or do not work at all.

https://researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/SN06838/SN06838.pdf

So much for Vive la revolution…

Not only would I hate being dependant on some guy for my money, I would be bored rigid. I like working and I am darned lucky to work where I work. A very close person to me was dumped by her husband for the newer model...what will she do if her marriage breaks down? Maintenance for a wife isn´t paid now to women, you are expected to get off your backside and earn your keep...The mere thought makes my hair stand on end...

All those saying it’s ok for her to want to be a stay at home wife, her choice etc - you likely wouldn’t say the same if it was a man wanting to be a stay at home husband would you ?

This was the norm once.

Then women were told they "can have it all" when what it really meant was "do it all". Whilst being a SAHW wouldn't be for me, there's definitely an increasing fashion for it. I think it's an extension of the slower pace of life, cottage core, traditionalist values movement. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing, it's almost like it's a subversive culture of trying to reverse the ever increasing capitalism.