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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

1000 replies

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:08

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 08:49

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom I’d think I’d failed as a mother if my children had to be in paid work to be a successful human being.

crossstitchingnana · 16/05/2023 08:50

I don't necessarily agree that working full time with a side business is being a good role model tbh. What about work/life balance? Money isn't everything, and before anyone says it no I am not well-off.

Booklover40 · 16/05/2023 08:50

Methinks this is a thinly veiled attempt at a sahm-bashing thread..

1/10 OP.

HeartStarRose · 16/05/2023 08:50

Meh, she's 23, she might well change her mind. Who has exactly the same outlook in their 30s and 40s as they did at 23?

All sorts of people have all sorts of opinions based on many different factors. I'm not sure why you are surprised about this.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 08:51

Booklover40 · 16/05/2023 08:50

Methinks this is a thinly veiled attempt at a sahm-bashing thread..

1/10 OP.

It's really not

KimberleyClark · 16/05/2023 08:51

If you have a private source of income to support yourself while not working that is your own affair. But I would find it difficult to respect anyone who expected someone else to support them.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 08:53

This girl can think what she wants and have any ambition she wants but she won't achieve it...unless she's absolutely drop dead gorgeous and can bag herself a footballer. But quite honestly there have been good looking women queueing up for a wealthy man since time immemorial so good luck with that!

LolaSmiles · 16/05/2023 08:53

Why on the first page are people already going on about SAHM?

Being a SAHP as an agreement between two parties who have made an informed decision is nothing like being in your 20s and your life's ambition is to marry someone, play wifey and expect someone else to fund your expenses for life.

No doubt some men would love to marry a woman in her early 20s with little or no work experience, no financial independence, have her stay home and financially dependent on him for decades and in a situation that makes it harder for her to leave and manage independently should the relationship sour. I might get flamed for this, but I don't think they'd be the sort of man you'd want your daughter to marry.

FlamingoQueen · 16/05/2023 08:54

I assumed that the girlfriend was pregnant, but after reading several times (unless I’m being thick) she’s not actually pregnant!
This whole scenario could be 10 years away yet and they may have enough money for her to stay at home. There’s nothing wrong with that, if they both want it, but who knows what could be happening in the future.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 16/05/2023 08:55

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 08:53

This girl can think what she wants and have any ambition she wants but she won't achieve it...unless she's absolutely drop dead gorgeous and can bag herself a footballer. But quite honestly there have been good looking women queueing up for a wealthy man since time immemorial so good luck with that!

I'd be more disappointed if my daughter queued for a wealthy man (SAHW or not) than if she chose to be a SAHW to a man she genuinely loved and shared values with.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 08:55

Imagine living like this though and let's say you have an argument and he withholds money from you...you'd be absolutely screwed

FlamingoQueen · 16/05/2023 08:55

I am being thick! She just wants to stay home as fete they get married - no children required! That’s a bit unusual then.
sorry.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/05/2023 08:55

In the days when women quit work on marriage to keep home (I'm thinking of the generation my parents were from, born in the pre-war era), household tasks were a lot harder and more time consuming. No automatic washing machines, no microwaves, no duvets - simply cleaning the house and keeping it free from bugs could be a full time job; all cooking was done from scratch, and there was absolutely no childcare available unless family stepped in.

This was why women didn't 'work' on marriage. There were no labour saving devices, it was all down to them.

FlamingoQueen · 16/05/2023 08:56

FlamingoQueen · 16/05/2023 08:55

I am being thick! She just wants to stay home as fete they get married - no children required! That’s a bit unusual then.
sorry.

*soon, not fete.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me today!

HoppingPavlova · 16/05/2023 08:59

There's nothing wrong with her preference if they could afford it

Sure, as long as he doesn’t get ill and can’t work at some point, doesn’t die, doesn’t take up gambling, doesn’t turn financially abusive, doesn’t turn abusive in any other way, doesn’t start cheating, doesn’t just turn around one day and say he’s leaving or 101 other scenarios. It’s an absolutely terrible position for most women to put themselves in unless they are already financially independent due to family money etc.

TallulahBetty · 16/05/2023 09:00

If they can afford to finance it themselves, crack on. Expecting others (taxpayers!) to fund it would be another issue.

Noteification · 16/05/2023 09:01

thimblgattle167 · 16/05/2023 07:15

You can be a stay at home mum and a good role model!

Absolutely this!
Perhaps she means she anticipates falling pregnant straight away and wants to be a stay at home mother?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/05/2023 09:01

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 08:49

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom I’d think I’d failed as a mother if my children had to be in paid work to be a successful human being.

You think that’s a fail? That a child wants to stay in education, find a career, support themselves, earn money, maybe invest in property…? Nah. I don’t think that’s a fail.

Robinni · 16/05/2023 09:02

I think you’re over invested in this because of your closeness with the boys mother - who reading between the lines is clearly horrified at the idea of him marrying a girl so radically different to herself and the pressure this would put on her son to provide.

Never mind her background, which you are quite snobby about, awful for her to have a father leave and an intermittent step father…..

She’s got a degree, doing a masters…. She will always be able to get work with this and build a career. So what if she wants to stay at home post marriage, some women do and that is their choice, it’s none of your business. And it’s none of your friend’s business either if her adult son decides to accept this situation and be the breadwinner.

Mostly, girls are aiming for education and career now with children as an add on. This girl is the exception, not the rule, so I wouldn’t worry about your daughter turning out to be the same.

Often a lot of women will decide to take time out of work around early years of children with childcare being so expensive so your daughter might want/have to do this.

Otherwise, why fuss? This has nothing to do with you and your attitude is incredibly judgemental.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/05/2023 09:04

Booklover40 · 16/05/2023 08:50

Methinks this is a thinly veiled attempt at a sahm-bashing thread..

1/10 OP.

How? This is not about a mutually decided situation whereby a woman stays at home with children, it’s a 23 year old, who wants to marry young and never, ever have a job. She wants to be paid for. No children mentioned.

Robinni · 16/05/2023 09:08

HoppingPavlova · 16/05/2023 08:59

There's nothing wrong with her preference if they could afford it

Sure, as long as he doesn’t get ill and can’t work at some point, doesn’t die, doesn’t take up gambling, doesn’t turn financially abusive, doesn’t turn abusive in any other way, doesn’t start cheating, doesn’t just turn around one day and say he’s leaving or 101 other scenarios. It’s an absolutely terrible position for most women to put themselves in unless they are already financially independent due to family money etc.

@HoppingPavlova if they have a child, via child benefit she will continue to get NI credits for 12 years adding to her state pension, probably more than this if they have 2 children.

She will have education to postgraduate level and the opportunity to build a career if the relationship and set up she wants deteriorates…

If she was coming out of school with no GCSEs and a lifetime of benefits only ahead of her I’d think disastrous.

But for an educated woman, she will always have options. And furthermore will be saving on circa £26,000+ in full time childcare costs for a couple of kids.

It wasn’t so long ago that working women had to leave the civil service if they got married… think on that.

Bedtimemode · 16/05/2023 09:09

I'm actually kind of glad so many posters are assuming she wants to be a sahm rather than a housewife. It's so unusual to be a housewife these days that people are assuming kids will be involved

MumMcphee · 16/05/2023 09:09

Most people know being a SAHW isn’t feasible, she’s young and likely naive to the world. I’m surprised your friend has discussed her sons love life with you in great detail, especially her upbringing, it all sounds quite unpleasant, if I’m honest and you’ve made judgements based on that. It sounds like the 23 year old should run for the hills.

nettie434 · 16/05/2023 09:10

I don't think it's 'over invested' to be interested in a young woman having these views when most young women's experience is to be at work. I personally think there is a huge difference between choosing to be a stay at home mother - or parent - when this is the right decision for you and your family and saying that you do not want to work at such a young age.

Obviously none of us know this girl's financial circumstances but I think the responses would have been very different had the friend's son being a daughter and she had met a man who said he was too unmaterialistic to work.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 09:12

Bedtimemode · 16/05/2023 09:09

I'm actually kind of glad so many posters are assuming she wants to be a sahm rather than a housewife. It's so unusual to be a housewife these days that people are assuming kids will be involved

Yes and the women who do become housewives usually end up doing that later in life...once their kids are grown up, their husbands have done well and are nearing retirement. To start off as a housewife is extremely unusual nowadays

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