A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

I actually never stated what hours my DC attends nursery, you just made an assumption. Just like you made an assumption that I'll be having more children.

DC doesn't wake up until 7am so definitely not in nursery 30 minutes later. His nursery is actually 7am-6pm but he is never there as early as 7am and is always home in time for his 6pm bath.

DH and I are both in senior roles and can be incredibly flexible if needed and depending what is going on at work that particular day.

@Walkaround

I'm genuinely baffled by that.

Can you show me which post you've taken that 'subtext' from?

@Robinni

I discounted savings because your average woman on 30k will not have much. 25% of uk households have 0. The average per year is about 2 grand. And I couldn't find anything to say whether this was kept or spent

And that figure is skewed by the few who can afford lots of savings and pensions

Anyway, I take your point that a split can leave anyone vulnerable. However having your own source of income and not relying on the state unless necessary is always going to be the most sensible plan

The OP is about a woman in her mid twenties who says she’d like to get married and stay at home and whether that is “ok”. I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be or why it isn’t a valid choice. Assuming she has a partner who’s fine with the set up, what’s the problem? It’s not particularly niche, and certainly more common than becoming a nun or a sculptor or any number of choices.

We share everything and all money is our money. It doesn't matter where it comes from or who earns it. Maybe it makes a difference because we started out very young and everything we have, we have built together. I can't imagine living and running our lives parallel, like room mates. We are partners.

My DH has always done some housework even when I am a SAHM. He knows I don't sit on my backside all day and he doesn't want to be like his father who never lifted a finger. I'd actually like to take over more of the housework from him but somehow all the appointments for the kid that keeps me home take up a lot of time. I'm fortunate to have a husband that values what I do and my contribution. He knows his life would be very different and much more difficult if he was made to do 50% of the caring tasks for the disabled child, and that it would impact his ability to do his job hugely.

Why assume the BIL is jealous? Not everyone cares about cars. I wouldn't change our small, convenient car even if we won the lottery and fuel costs were no concern at all. If I was given a Lamborghini, I'd sell it straight away and take the money.

@Zeonlywayisup

It probably is about as rare for a 23 yo to want to be a sahw as it is for a 23 yo to want to be a nun.

If you don't want to shit on women, a good place to start would be avoiding an attempt to portray 80% of us as workshy individuals who would like nothing better than to find a man to keep us in a life of ease. It's dangerous close to incel theory for my tastes. The idea that 80% of us have no interest in making a contribution outside our homes, in being part of the group that shape the world, holding positions of influence, being useful to others, and secretly hanker to stay at home while the men continue to run the world for us is very offensive.

@ToK1 don’t be silly you know far more SAHW than nuns.

@musixa

It's weird isn't it?

Some people seem to have this desperate need to convince themselves that everyone is jealous of them rather than the more obvious conclusion that they genuinely dont feel the same

@Zeonlywayisup

Do I?

@Tok1 - I don’t believe you do find that baffling, tbh. Nor do I believe you think it is possible to identify a single post to show that the subtext of all your posts put together is that you think people who are happier not doing paid work are inadequate - you’re not that stupid.

The idea that 80% of us have no interest in making a contribution outside our homes, in being part of the group that shape the world, holding positions of influence, being useful to others, and secretly hanker to stay at home while the men continue to run the world for us is very offensive.
and there we have it. The ridiculous opinions payed out for all to see of what you think of people who choose a different life to your own. Because unless you have paid employment you of course contribute nothing outside your home, you don’t shape the world in any way or influence anyone….what utter nonsense. News flash it isn’t your pay check that makes you.

There was no assumption. It could not have been clearer. He could not even raise a smile or share congratulations on the other guys achievement. Just tried to belittle because it wasn't achievable for him.

Nothing to do with actually being a car person, or not.

Possibly. We were both established in our careers and lives when we met and didn't have our baby until 35.

We're partners too and to us, that means we both equally contribute to all aspects of our lives including financially.

I feel like having a disabled child is an exception due to what you've described when it comes to multiple appointments etc the same can be said for illness, mental health etc sometimes, it simply isn't possible for both parents to work.

@Walkaround

Thought so.

I dont think people who choose not to work because they just don't want to work are inadequate.

I think there are a number of issues with choosing not to work but inadequacy isn't one of them

Amen.

It's really sad isn't it. Some people define worth by the presence of a payslip.

I provide financial advice to a women's charity (there's a group of us, lawyers, accountants, etc) who provide free advice to young women starting businesses.

But, that doesn't count. I don't have a paper round to boot.

I genuinely don't even think they can hear how ridiculous they sound. I just stopped bothering trying to explain, they just come back with basic and ill thought out scenarios, presented as "Ta daaaa, what about this eh? Can't answer that eh?"

And unfortunately, no, I can't answer, not through inability, but I no longer have the patience, nor Crayola, to do so.

Well....

Its not ridiculous to acknowledge that one has more chance of shaping the world from being out in it than from one's home. No one could possibly argue otherwise. Not everyone wants to do that, obviously. My point was merely that I don't believe 80% of women don't want to.
Its not to do with pay, I actually made the point in relation to very wealthy women who work from choice. The poster I was responding to is keen to portray 80% of women as being happy in a traditional role where any contribution is restricted to their home. I think this perpetuates harmful myths about women.

@InceyWinceySpidy

Your personal attacks belong in the play ground along with your crayola.

It's embarrassing 😳

There you go @GluedOnWobblyHead

Question answered.

Median hourly pay for part-time workers in 2021 was just £10.64, compared to £15.65 for full-time workers.11 In 2018 30% of single parent households were in in- work poverty.

Yes, poverty is higher among single parent households because the UK tax system penalises them by taxing them more on the same household income, removing child benefit on half the income, etc.

That doesn't mean they don't earn well. 70% lone parents work per the ONS (the figure for all mothers is only 75% so not much different) and over 50% of those work full time.

www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/familiesandthelabourmarketengland/2021

You are absolutely right. 90% of posts on this thread are nothing to do with the original OP which is about a young woman who wants her partner to fund her lifestyle choice. Absolutely nothing to do with being a stay at home parent

But posters have completely derailed the conversation and made it yet another thread about SAHM vs Working Mums and took offence when posts about the original OP have been made by thinking it’s about them

This could have been a really interesting discussion about this new trend of young girls wanting a very different lifestyle to what is the norm (I.E a Tik Tok trend) but instead it’s been the same argument that has happened multiple times before

@5128gap

Of course they don't.

Like I said I'm sure if you asked most people on any given day if they would rather not work (men and women, although I noticed my question about men wasn't answered) loads would say of course!

But the reality is different to a day dream.

I cant imagine anyone thinks a society where only men work or hold positions of power or do important roles is a good idea.

The value of these roles to society is worth more. But I guess its easier to convince yourself everyone else is jealous of you than acknowledge that

@Robinni

Which included the proviso that a working woman would likely have savings - I did when a student, why wouldn’t a woman on 30 grand?! Especially a woman escaping abuse. It’s all over the advice on MN about saving money to leave…

You're massively overestimating the norm when it comes to people's savings, especially of women with school aged children.

https://blog.moneyfarm.com/en/investing-101/average-savings-by-age-in-the-uk-how-much-should-you-be-saving/

Of people between the age of 22 and 29 years, about 40% have no savings at all, while around 10% have savings between £2,000 and £3,000. Only approximately 25% have saved more than £6,000.
On the other hand, among those aged above 55, only 2.23% have no savings at all.
The average savings for those between 18 and 24 in the UK stands at £2,481, while for 25 to 34-year-olds it stands at £3,544, which increases to £5,995 for those between 35 and 44.
The highest average savings by age in the UK is for people above 55 years of age, at £20,028, closely followed by an average of £11,013 for people between 45 and 54.
On average, women in the UK have savings of £6,869, while men have almost twice the amount, at £13,140.