A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Ever had a housekeeper????

Do tell where we find a cheap one. Because unless they're utter shite, they are not cheap at all.

Depending what you earn (sorry, I mean, what your husband earns 😆), it can work out far cheaper than marrying and then having to divorce a dependent adult. Although even that is cheaper in the long run than continuining to bankroll them throughout life.

Well yes, that's exactly my point. It makes no difference whether I work or not.

Yet because I don't work, the "wait til he gets bored of you" comments apply...to me.

Don't see them applying it to the equally "boring" and likely to be left working women though, do we.

As the PP you were responding to pointed out, of course it can apply to anybody. However, financial disagreements are one of the main causes of divorces. So a very unequal financial relationship increases the risk of relationship breakdown. It also increases the risk to the person who can't support themselves. Someone who has built a decently paid career will be fine supporting themself after a divorce. Far less likely for someone who hasn't, all other things being equal.

Why are you more likely to have financial disagreements if one of you earns all the money? Most married couples share their money it’s not donated from one to the other.

Just to clarify @ToK1

I ran the turn2us benefits calculator for the SAHM scenario, again 2 kids, £1000 rent, no spousal maintenance, no savings.

She would get £39.90 child benefit per week (£2074.80pa) same as the working lady… the universal credit is a bit different…
£383.56 per week (£19,945.12pa).

If she got a part time job on minimum wage £9.50 per hr for 20hrs this would give £9,880pa + £39.90 child benefit per week (£2074.80pa) + £394.37 per week UC (£20,507,24)

@Robinni

So both would be entitled to help

And the wm would still be better off.

To further clarify @ToK1

Working mum fleeing home wage £30k
Take home pay: £24,422.40
Child benefit: £2074.80
UC: £6043.44
Total income: £32,540.64

SAHM skint
Child benefit: £2074.80
UC: £19,945.12
Total income: £22,019.92

SAHM gets min wage part time job
Take home pay: £9880.00
Child benefit: £2074.80
UC: £20,507,24
Total income: £32,462.04

@Fizbosshoes if the girl’s family are as described with absent father etc. She will have had her undergrad fees covered and full loan of £8,400 - 13,022 per year (depending on where she lives and if still with parents). For the masters the loan is £12,167.

And she will probably never pay any of it back as before she’ll earn enough to, she’ll get married and never work again…

Her mother won’t be particularly concerned about her not doing anything with her degree, because she likely hasn’t paid to support her daughter. The gov have.

I thought I had missed something reading this so checked the OP again and it says nothing about the girl's mother's income or whether she claims benefits? Or is that just your assumption about all single mothers?

Sorry that was a reply to @Robinni

@ToK1 Please see above post. If sahm gets the most basic or part time jobs upon leaving DH she’s on the same money as working mum….. and isn’t having to pay legal fees… is still entitled to emergency funds/charity grants and other concessions on top.

So to go back to the point I was originally putting forth…. The perception of the poor poor SAHM/SAHW being defenceless, adrift, penniless etc upon the cessation of a relationship is wrong… and in fact she will have the same amount of money within a matter of weeks as a women working full time earning the average wage…. While only working 20 hours…

(and will get legal aid, grants, free counselling etc etc on top)

People need to kick the defenceless and penniless ideology out of their head.

@gluedonwobblyhead it’s based on my experience of the student finance system and the impact of my husbands reasonable enough wage at the time.

One income alone is not enough to wipe out the entitlement completely - even if the mother was earning 60-70k the girl would still get about 5k per year. Again I went with average income…

You can check here for yourself to see what is payable according to parental/spouse income…

https://www.savethestudent.org/student-finance/maintenance-loans.html

No need to jump the gun.

Lots of single mothers earn a lot more than £70k. It was just an odd assumption and your post seemed to express it as if it was evident from the OP that the mother would have paid nothing, when it wasn't.

@Robinni

Your original argument was that only the sahm would get help and that they'd ne better off.

Which is obviously not the case.

Having to rely on benefits is not a secure position.

I dont think sahms are automatically vulnerable and penniless but thats not a reason to advocate women giving up financial independence

@ToK1

See my original post above. Which included the proviso that a working woman would likely have savings - I did when a student, why wouldn’t a woman on 30 grand?! Especially a woman escaping abuse. It’s all over the advice on MN about saving money to leave…

You jumped on and said to rule out savings.

Once you would add in legal fees and maintenance from DH even at the big standard rate for 2 kids it would wipe out the UC income.

And a few grand is sod all when you are working a 40hr week and Sally down the road in the same situation is getting tens of thousands.

@ToK1 …. What are you on about I never said I was advocating women giving up financial independence….

I was pointing out that women shouldn’t avoid being a SAHW/M because of fear of domestic abuse or being vulnerable… because they are no more vulnerable than a working woman.

In the event that the worst happens they leave, they get help, a lot of help. A wage of help. They will be fine. And have a nice divorce settlement to boot.

People in work can lose their jobs you know, or be made redundant etc… it’s not some holy grail of security by comparison to those on benefits.

I'm a SAHM more by circumstance than choice at this time of my life. I enjoy working, so it's not that. I don't feel like I've given up my financial independence, even though my possible pay progression has taken a significant hit. To me, that is worth it though. I earn pretty meager money, if any, at present but the rewards of being there with my family needs are worth the trade off for me.

The reason I don't feel I've given up my financial independence is because I could go back to work anytime. I'm qualified in a shortage area and regularly turn down invitations to apply for jobs. I've done what I can to stay relevant outside the workforce. I could stand on my own two feet tomorrow, it's just not the best choice in the big picture for my family right now.

I am glad I have the ability to make this choice as I know it's not that easy for some.

I’ll refer you to this, if I made an assumption it was based on the average person…

https://wbg.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Economic-challenges-for-single-mothers-PBBs-Spring-2022-1.pdf

Median hourly pay for part-time workers in 2021 was just £10.64, compared to £15.65 for full-time workers.11 In 2018 30% of single parent households were in in- work poverty.

When I was in my late teens and early 20s I was desperately in love and desperate to be a Mum. I would have loved nothing more then to have been a SAHP.

Now I'm 35 with an amazing career and fantastic husband and we've started trying, with the view that I will go back to work. My life is so different from what it would have been.

However I don't see one as lesser then the other or that because you've had children young your done for, you're young enough to start again education and career wise, and everything else you "missed out on" like dating, clubbing, and travelling which I too busy and poor working my way up to do in my 20s anyway.

Mom is not working either.

The heavy subtext behind everything @Tok1 says is that anyone who is happier not doing paid work is an inadequate human being.

@Robinni - on your SAHM Vs working mother calculations, there are a couple of big less easily quantified things:

1. The mother on 30k can get a mortgage - the SAHM on benefits won't be able to and the part time NMW job isn't going to get much.

Sometimes the SAHM will get the house in the divorce settlement or more of it but, if you read the divorce board, you can see that that isn't always the case. Not least because there isn't always enough equity in the house. But also because sometimes the ex goes for 50:50 with the kids

Sometimes there will be a mesher order and so it's fine until the kids are 18 but not afterwards which brings me onto..

1. The 30k mother is enrolled in a workplace pension most likely - yes the SAHM will have likely got a share of the husband's pension but she won't be continuing to build up her own post divorce to the same tune

1. This will vary of course but the 30k mother is much more likely to be able to get promoted and earn more than a former SAHM in a minimum wage job.

When I look at divorce board threads, I don't see many where the OP is deeply regretting having a good job, I do see a lot where the OP is panicking about a much reduced lifestyle following being a SAHM for years

But not many people are the averages. It's different if you have a qualification that makes it easier to re enter the workforce. I earn £80k (despite having two kids, one in school, no easy infants here) so there is no question that I would be better off post divorce than if I were a SAHM

You misunderstand me.
We are both extrapolating, are we not? We have no idea whether the majority of women would choose to work or not as we haven't asked them, so we are each drawing our conclusions based on the evidence available. I from what I see of the choices made by women who genuinely are in the position to choose, you from your little poll.
Your little poll shows that in a theoretical, untested situation the majority would be content with a life without work. My point is that, make that reality and not an imaginary lifestyle on MN, real life women actually don't typically choose that.
However you seem very invested in extracting envy for your lifestyle, so you can of course believe 80% of women would rather live your life than their's if it pleases you.

I really don’t know what you’re talking about now.

I'm lost. Where does is say anything about stay at home parenting? The post says she wants to stop working when they get married.

I had a SAHM so it's something I grew up with and knew from as long as I could remember that I didn't want the same. I ended up doing almost the opposite and going back full time when DC was 12 weeks.

Having my own money is important to me. I don't see why I should share all of it just because I'm married, I'm still my own person who earns my own money. I'd be resentful if my husband thought he could help himself to it whenever he liked which is a reason why having a SAHP would never work for us.

My DC will see us both working and both doing things around the house which we believe is the ideal because it is equal and means our household has no stereotypical gender roles. It isn't a coincidence that most SAHP's are women.

I'm not interested in extracting anything. My exact words from the start, are each person should do what suits you. Your choice is up to you. Just don't shit on other women for not making the same choice, under the guise of feminism.