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A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

1000 replies

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:08

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

OP posts:
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5
Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 23:19

I don't think people should be allowed to rely on the state if they choose not to work and I don’t think its always a sensible or healthy choice we don’t make those sort of judgements when we help people who would otherwise starve be because we are not animals and presumably don’t want people dying in the streets if they can’t care for themselves.

It's the pretending that it's the ideal that everyone secretly wishes for or that people who do enjoy working are mugs thats the problem weirdly, again, I thought your point was that everyone not working would be better off working and we’re just too stupid or feckless to realise.

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:23

@Zeonlywayisup

There's a difference between can't and won't. But no, society doesn't let people starve. Lucky for them

thought your point was that everyone not working would be better off working and we’re just too stupid or feckless to realise.

I'm not sure why, nothing Ive said indicates that.

It's perfectly understandable that some people aren't able to cope with working for a variety of reasons.

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 23:25

It's perfectly understandable that some people aren't able to cope with working for a variety of reasons. but not understandable that they might just choose not to?

Robinni · 16/05/2023 23:25

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:06

@Robinni

Your logic that sahms will be ok because they can rely on the state but wms won't be because they can't

@ToK1

It depends on the wage the woman makes - if on 50/60k+ that gives power and away she goes with kids.

Average earner say 30k salary (take home 2k/month) with say 20k of savings. Will walk out and get no help. She might have to take time off work to try and organise life but is back working full time while dealing with the disruption soon enough. With rent for alternative accommodation for a family being usually £800-1500 the savings will run down quite quickly, she won’t have legal aid so will be culpable for solicitors bills, CM/anything out of husband/sale of house could be months - years away…… It’s inexorably stressful for the average working woman.

Scenario for SAHM: free emergency accomodation, emergency grants and loans, legal aid, free counselling, takes on part time job and has big UC top up. Ends up with income equivalent to 30k (when you include the free accom) and has all this free time to deal with the trauma and rediscover themselves. (Witnessed this twice)

Not saying people should aim to be a sahm in the event that husband becomes an abusive prick. But pointing out to previous poster that their perception of a poor poor vulnerable penniless sahm trapped forever to be abused is fundamentally wrong. And that the average working woman will have a shittier time and is potentially more financially trapped…. Unless she is able to increase her wage.

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:26

@Zeonlywayisup

Sure, they choose not to because they couldn't cope

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 23:28

Sure, they choose not to because they couldn't cope I can’t see how that’s a given.

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:28

@Robinni

That's a very specific set of criteria

I'm not sure a woman on 30k would have 20k in savings.

It's just as likely she'd have none and would be entitled to help the same as the sahm

Plus I'm not sure emergency accommodation while fleeing abuse is means tested ..

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:29

@Zeonlywayisup

Change can't cope to doesn't like it and it amounts to the same

Robinni · 16/05/2023 23:32

@ToK1

Child benefit protects NI contributions until the relevant children are 12…

Thus a SAHM who doesn’t work has contributions covered during this time and is entitled to claim benefits to help her if they are required…. Ie when her DH has been banging her head off a wall or raping her or subjecting her to financial abuse for instance.

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 23:35

But “can’t cope” and “chooses something else” AREN’T the same thing. It’s fine for any woman to choose to have an all consuming career or no career at all, to work or not work, to volunteer or only get off their arse for money, to be a hands on mum 24/7 or not…free to choose

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:36

@Robinni

I never said otherwise?

But it only covers the woman if she's allowed to claim it.

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:38

@Zeonlywayisup

Not entirely free to choose, no.

Makingamess4212 · 16/05/2023 23:39

Im a stay at home mam and housewife, and we live solely off my partner wages. It's what I've always wanted. And it works out amazing, no childcare costs, the house is always done, no worries about the DC and school runs and who's going to make tea or who's going to do this and that ..
My favourite saying - you can be cash rich but time poor, or time rich and cash poor 🤷‍♀️
The point of feminism and equality is giving women the right to CHOOSE. If that choice is housewife, then thats her choice.

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:42

@Makingamess4212

No.

The point of feminism is equality of the sexes.

Not allowing women to make unfeminist choices and claim its equality

Robinni · 16/05/2023 23:43

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:28

@Robinni

That's a very specific set of criteria

I'm not sure a woman on 30k would have 20k in savings.

It's just as likely she'd have none and would be entitled to help the same as the sahm

Plus I'm not sure emergency accommodation while fleeing abuse is means tested ..

@ToK1 to leave and rent privately she would need to have saved substantial funds. Even if she has 6k this reduces financial help. With a wage of 30k she won’t get much if anything in terms of benefits.

The initial “refuge” may not be but you’re talking a week or two to stay there, then they will allocate you to emergency social housing, which you will not be entitled to if you have a wage of 30k.

Makingamess4212 · 16/05/2023 23:45

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:42

@Makingamess4212

No.

The point of feminism is equality of the sexes.

Not allowing women to make unfeminist choices and claim its equality

Equality of the sexes, meaning women now have a choice, because years ago we didn't?
That was my point. Years ago, you HAD to be a housewife. Now, we have freedom of choice. And if that's their choice, we really shouldn't judge? It's between partners, none of our concern.
It is not "unfeminist" at all.

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 23:46

The point of feminism is equality of the sexes.

Not allowing women to make unfeminist choices and claim its equality
Well you can crack on believing you get to “allow” other women to do anything, but it doesn’t make it real. You are being utterly ridiculous

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:47

@Robinni

Why are you presuming there are any savings?

A single mum on 30k would get a fair amount of help.

Of course they would be entitled to sh.

They'd go on the list the same as anyone else

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:47

@Zeonlywayisup

Feminism isn't a person

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 23:49

Keep explaining it to us all and telling us what we can and can’t do. It’s so….very important and wise sounding.

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 23:49

Only here to watch the latest three people try and spell things out to Tok. I wonder how many people will say out of sheer frustration, how ridiculous she sounds? We're on 2, perhaps by number 5 she'll notice a pattern?

I'd save your breath guys Grin

ToK1 · 16/05/2023 23:49

@Makingamess4212

Equality meaning equal opportunities for the sexes

And of course we can judge. I judge loads. Everyone does.

Sexism and inequality is everyone's concern

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 23:51

(But evidently not to everyone's comprehension)

Zeonlywayisup · 16/05/2023 23:52

Equality meaning equal opportunities for the sexes opportunities being options you can choose or not, rather than prescribing the only acceptable (to @ToK1 ) choice. How cleverly put

Robinni · 17/05/2023 00:05

@ToK1 just checked with no savings, rental 1000 per month, no maintenance from spouse she could expect to receive £116.22 per week (£6043.44pa) UC + £39.90 child benefit (£2074.80).

You could expect to see UC increase if there are childcare costs and decrease if the spouse coughs anything up. Savings of 6-16k would also decrease/stop it entirely.

The proceeds of sale of house are disregarded for about 6-12 months max, after which point if she hasn’t bought new they are taken as savings.

Ah sorry it’s income of £50k that excludes you from social housing register not £30k. Nevertheless she’d have to pay higher price for it due to income as this is taken into account.

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