A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Depends on the circumstances.

If a woman has given up work to provide free childcare, kept the home with him having to do nothing. And she takes primary custody of DC in divorce then it’s justified.

You don’t see the same sort of settlements for men who’ve supported women with their careers - losing out on salary, pension, promotion etc - because… well…how many men do you know that have given up work to sit at home with the kids, doing cleaning, cooking and admin?!

Men rarely put themselves out to support women like that.

@Robinni

Only one person that I know is working full time with children, all professionals, the decision to take the back step has been a combination of personal choice/recognition that husbands wage is higher.

Do you mean only one woman you know works full time with children?

I think that's highly unusual to be honest, to only know one mother who works full time. Unusual where I'm based anyway (England), obviously I don't know what it's like where you are.

@Zeonlywayisup

Yes.

It is.

Most people work. Most people want to work. (Or want the money anyway)

And 23 is really young. Most people don't start thinking about kids until their late 20s early 30s now.

And as its been repeatedly pointed out, there's nothing to indicate it's about being a sahm anyway

@monsteramunch

Maybe @Robinni lives near Gilead?

I would expect it to be fairly unusual, almost more so if she's studying for a masters.
Even if 23 is peak fertility age, the average age if ftm is nearer 30, and without seeing stats I'd guess those who spent longer in education would likely have children later than those who left school at 16-18.

As I said I think it’s unusual if you are working because you mix with people who are working.

@Zeonlywayisup

No.

It's just unusual.

It's also odd to think that people who work only know other people who work lol.

All the things you’re saying about yourself as though we’ve said them about you, no one has said… you know that, right?

It’s really weird. Why try to be a victim? If you’re as happy as you say, why try to be a victim?

It’s more people who are employed during the day don’t know so many people who aren’t because they don’t hang out in the same places. I think it’s odd to think your norm is everyone’s norm.

I know plenty of sahms....I don't know any women without children who just don't work and live off their husbands, except much older women who have adult DC. No one young I know does this. It's a bit wagtastic.

@Zeonlywayisup

I dont think my norm is the only norm.

I know that choosing to be a sahw with no children at 23 is a very unusual choice.

By anyone's norm.

Even a cursory Google on work stats would show its unusual

Bingo!

Why do you think I am some kind of victim? You've repeatedly called me this, despite me saying I'm no victim at all.

I think we’ll just have to accept you find it outrageously unusual and I don’t, @ToK1 . I’m not sure how rare something is is really that important and there’s only so much back and forth on a non central point that’s sensible. She’s allowed to want the life she does and pursue it however weird/sad/-awful it seems to others. She’s up front and has a plan for what to do if it doesn’t happen.

@InceyWinceySpidy

If your son decided (at an even earlier age than you did) that he wanted your role in a relationship, and for his wife to have your husband's role, would you feel comfortable with that?

For your son to decide to never want to work and seek out a female partner who was ok with having a house husband who had never worked?

I can't help wondering if gender stereotypes are more important to you than you perhaps realise and would (even if he and his partner were both happy with it) be a bit embarrassed if a son never worked out of choice, in a way you might not be if a daughter never did. Or be more worried about the vulnerability of spending the majority of an adult life not working, in a time ay you might not be for a daughter if you've perhaps seen more women than men not working.

Just curious, no obligation to reply obviously!

You are still banging on about how I'm so different to a SAHW. I addressed this earlier. Extensively. As it was to you directly.

The children are not why I stay home.

No one called you a victim. They said that you seem to want to play the victim.

Genuinely..are you ok? You do seem desperate to imply that we are all criticising your lifestyle choices.

I’ve had a housekeeper- massively cheaper than a deadbeat spouse. Now I have a cleaner twice a week. She’s great but not expensive in the scheme of things.

Yes I would be equally happy for my son to take on my role/life whatever you want to call it. I love my life.

DH is also very happy doing what he does, and so I would be happy for any DC to follow in his footsteps.

I, however would beyond hate DH's life. I know it pretty well as he works in finance too.

DH, would hate my life. He thrives on deadlines and pressure, and loves forensic type analysis.

We both are well aware that we would not like the role the other takes. I don't belittle what he does because it's not for me, and vice versa. Both roles are essential. He doesn't resent that my days aren't jam packed. That's really important to the success of our household.

So I can't say what I would want my DC to do. Because I don't know what kind of life they would be happiest living. High pressure, part time, low pressure, self employment, acting, singing, staying at home. I can't possibly know. But I'll support what they choose if it's what makes them happiest. Boy or girl.

😆

Imply?

Have you read the thread...

@InceyWinceySpidy

“Both roles are essential. He doesn't resent that my days aren't jam packed. That's really important to the success of our household.”

could you explain this a bit more? I guess this is the bit I don’t get. Why you feeling not in a rush and doing lots of flower arranging is essential and important to the success of your household? If you did work how would that be detrimental to the success of your household?

I think there's a fair number of women who want to be a housewife when they've had children. That's their choice if they can find someone to support that lifestyle.

she already refused to answer and became very angry when I asked if she would have married her husband if he had never wanted to work.

I honestly can’t imagine wanting to marry someone who expected to live off me all their life. I can’t imagine men are all that different.

Loads of people didn’t want to go back to work after lockdown, loads look forward to retirement, loads choose to stay at home.