A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

I really can’t wait for the next cocklodger thread on here. Instead of the usual LTB posts I hope people remember this thread and how not contributing to the family is a lifestyle choice and not just someone taking the piss out of their partner

What is the female version of a cocklodger by the way?

@Womencanlift

Fanny freeloader?

I find that such an alien concept. Although you probably think the same about me. Once we were married, everything was ours. We have a joint account. I have several assets in my name to give me a sense of security in case things go tits up, but we don't live out lives on the basis one of us will potentially f off tomorrow, because neither of us plan too.

Our DC definitely see me doing things around the house more than DH, but not because I'm a woman, because they know he is doing work out of the house, and I work inside the house, and we don't make either sound better or worse than the other. I would be very happy for my DC to live my life, or DH's life.

The thing is cocklodgers generally don't keep the house nice and clean, cook, take on all the household tasks. A woman living with a man who doesn't work and contribute financially, will come home to a filthy house, no food, dirty laundry not done while he has spent the day gaming/wanking. A non working woman will usually keep the house nice at least.

So can a housekeeper, at a fraction of the cost and hassle.

How very sad that's how you see things. I'm merely something to get bored off.

If only I had a paper round. I would be irresistible, eternal.

Anecdotally - my working class mum and MIL who are now in their 80s both worked after marriage up till pregnancy and went back to work once the children were at school. 56 years - probably a longer SAHM period than would be common now, but there was no thought that marriage meant work outside the home no more. My dad and FIL worked full-time too.

I was one of those 80s children with the house key on a string round my neck to let myself in after school!😄

5/6 years, not 56 years!

@InceyWinceySpidy

That's some amount of cognitive dissonance you've got going on there lol

Well plenty of men get bored with their wives and vice versa. Some have affairs. But if they're going to do that, they'll do it regardless of your employment status. I don't work...it is a risk in some ways to be financially dependent on another person. That's just a fact.

Well yes, that's exactly my point. It makes no difference whether I work or not.

Yet because I don't work, the "wait til he gets bored of you" comments apply...to me.

Don't see them applying it to the equally "boring" and likely to be left working women though, do we.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Thank you for your considered post re the labour market in England.

I can see from the stats that yes indeed

• 50.4% of working families had both parents employed full-time
• 44.1% had the arrangement where a man was employed full-time and their partner part-time
• 2.6% where both partners were employed part-time
• 3.0% where a woman worked full-time and their partner part-time.

So not so many wonder women out there taking care of the men… and still a large number of men taking care of women.

May I direct you to a key proviso of the information imparted

The classification of full- or part-time is determined by the respondent.

Ergo there is no minimum amount of hours required to be deemed full time. One persons 30 hours part time is another’s full time. There is nothing to say whether one works 25, and the other 50…. So essentially the information is not reliable enough and the parameters need to be more clearly defined to get the full picture.

Northern Ireland full time vs part time is likewise defined by the respondent. However it is easier to see the difference between men and women more clearly - 64.3% of women are in full time work whereas it’s 89.3% of men and the average number of full time hours worked by women (33.2) is consistently below that of men (37.7) (Figure 3)…. Considering a full time contract is usually 35 hours minimum, it would suggest the data is unreliable….

https://www.nisra.gov.uk/system/files/statistics/women-in-Northern-Ireland-2020-2021.pdf

Certainly if full time can be considered 30hrs, I’m shocked; I could have done 18 less to develop a superiority complex 😁, my DH could more than halve his hours to be considered “full time”.

What can be seen from the data in England, N.I. Scotland https://www.gov.scot/publications/scotlands-labour-market-people-places-regions-protected-characteristics-statistics-annual-population-survey-2021/pages/5/#:~:text=In%202021%2C%201%2C277%2C500%20women%20aged,estimated%20at%2070.7%20per%20cent.and Wales https://www.gov.wales/labour-market-statistics-annual-population-survey-october-2021-september-2022-htmlis that a much larger proportion of women are economically inactive for family reasons, ie housewives.

We have quite a way to go to be on a par with men.

As for the women I know having husbands who are higher earners - think GP married to surgeon, physio married to anaesthetist, teacher married to accountant, nurse married to senior civil servant… that sort of thing. I have one friend who has own business and outearns DH, and another who is top of her game in health (but she is going to job share as the job is too demanding to cope with motherhood on top).

Myself and the academic would out earn husbands… however I am stuck at home as am needed as carer 🤷‍♀️ annoying isn’t in it, but I can cope with the DC needs better particularly the disabled one who has complex needs (and am who they want) and wouldn’t be appropriate for DH to deal with personal care of my female relative…. Not a choice at all, not at all what I want for me, but it’s a necessity at present….

I am absolutely in agreement with you that men should have an equal choice to be a SAHP, and that people shouldn’t enforce their being SAH on their partner - no way!

As far as I can see it from this thread, the girl was upfront with her boyfriend regarding her intentions and he said no thanks. She will move on and eventually find someone who is looking for what she wants. When it’s two consenting adults they can do what they want.

Ever had a housekeeper????

Do tell where we find a cheap one. Because unless they're utter shite, they are not cheap at all.

As a bare minimum.

I'll let DH know I'm a freeloader though. Daft oaf actually values me and what I do. I'll put him straight.

the girl was upfront with her boyfriend regarding her intentions and he said no thanks. She will move on and eventually find someone who is looking for what she wants

Actually she may well not find someone who is prepared to fund her from the get go.

When it’s two consenting adults they can do what they want.

Precisely this. You have to wonder why some people just can't cope with this concept and have to berate anyone who makes different choices to them.

I have teen DC (I know the original situation isn't about children)
My DH would feel quite resentful if he was working long hours while I went to the shops, the gym, coffee shop, hair dresser, nail bar, visited galleries and arranged flowers etc . With or without children. Similarly I would probably feel aggrieved if I went out to work, and for most of the time he mainly had leisure time.
I know several SAhM (of nt teens) who have this kind of lifestyle, and presumably its with mutual agreement from their husband. All worked prior to having children though.

My DD is due to go uni next year and while she is thinking of choosing a subject she is passionate about, I'm hoping it might lead to more career choices.I'd think I'd be disappointed if I'd financially supported a child (of either gender) through 2 degrees for them to decide they didn't intend to work at all

What on earth are you on about? If you want to play top trumps on not working, I technically beat you as I have two teenage DC who are both at school. You have three who aren't even in ft education yet. Why are you so determined to think we're all getting at you?

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom I am still laughing about your perfectly pruned bush!

Regarding the issue of people divorcing - as I already stated, people I’ve seen divorced has not been because the woman worked full time. But that the man did not take his fair share of work at home, leaving the women exhausted and eventually it all went caput. Trying to have two people working full time (proper full time of 37.5 hours+) where the woman is also burdened with most of house/kid/admin stuff is catastrophic. But is the situation a lot of women are in because a lot of men are dicks and I feel these women in particular are getting a very bad deal.

And @SouthLondonMum22 I wasn’t having a dig - it is bloody fantastic when you have one baby at day care 7.30am - 6pm, I could get DH to do pick up feed and bath, meanwhile I worked on til late as often as I needed to…. Now there are 2/3/4pm pick ups ferrying around everywhere, can’t put one DC in childcare, homework, massively increased housework etc etc…. By comparison it is complete chaos. I will literally not be able to work like I did when had only a baby in daycare until they’re in their teens or unless miracles rain from the sky!!

@InceyWinceySpidy

this!

your situation is soooooo different to the woman OP describes! She is a woman in her twenties, no kids who wants to be a stay at home WIFE and have her and her husband exist in a house in a cheap area all cos she for whatever reason doesn’t wanna work. Like literally what she do all day?! You have three kids! Kids generate such a lot of extra work and tasks.

My DC are at university and I've never had a job. Plus I am long divorced, so don't have to live with a man at all. I'd say that was a win all round.

I don't think I'd lose any sleep over anyone else's choices or desires. The person to whom the OP is not related in any way at all might change her mind about what she wants. She might become a SAHW and hate it. She might decide she wants a career. Or she might not. Other people's choices shouldn't worry us.

@hopeishopeless

how do you go on for money if you live alone and don’t work?

no judgment, just genuinely curious

Why are people aghast at the op being discussed?

It's a fairly unusual lifestyle choice, is it really that surprising it would generate views?

It's a fairly unusual lifestyle choice, is it really that surprising it would generate views? is it? Only really if you don’t mix with sahw and I guess if you’re working you’re less likely to. The girls at university and planning a masters so hardly going to be bored. 23 is peak fertile baby wanting time so it’s hardly surprising she’s thinking about it.