A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

I also decided that at 23. Years of uni and working I decided I wanted to be a sahm and house wife!

Made my feelings quite loud at the office and it clearly worked because my manager proposed to me and I've been living this life ever since.. 7 years later.. 2 children. I'm happier than most of my working mother friends!

Sometimes I have a bad day at work but dear lord I would rather have a bad day at work than do flower arrangements

Sure, being neutral is perfectly acceptable.

Being judgemental, negative and disparaging is (in my opinion) pointless.

This woman wanting to be a stay-at-home wife will be hurting no one.
She will either meet someone compatible or she won't and she will use her education.

I certainly don't think a stay-at-home wife is harmful to other women. The reality is that MOST women don't get a choice whether they work or not, as the cost of living requires two incomes.

Whether she achieves this "pipe dream" or not is entirely on her and also the potential consequences will be entirely on her.

Women working is the norm now. There's nothing that is going to change that, so I fail to see how a small minority of women choosing to pursue a different way is a huge deal.

And I do choose to support the women in my life, even if I don't agree with some of their choices.
The world is set up to knock us down... I certainly don't need to add to that.

As adults we either learn our lessons or we benefit from our choices but no one from the outside can predict which it will be.

Yes I agree with that. I don’t know any women at work who have a husband facilitating their career yet men in the same job seem to need a wife to do this.

However! I've struggled hard with my identity I guess so and being run ragged the early years with small children, where as my friends had a lunch hour and would often get their hair done after work before picking up children from childcare etc! I've had to do it all by myself no help. I've not had a night out in 5 years.

Life gets good when the children turn 3!

So definitely down sides too! But now overall I'm very chilled and happy and not stressed

Well I think YABU. I guess I'm quite materialistic - I like to have a comfortable life and nice holidays and nice clothes so I work (I'm lucky to love what I do though!). I don't necessarily have to work and we could survive on just my DH's salary but I tried being a SAHM/SAHW and it wasn't for me 😅
However one of my friends isn't especially materialistic. She works part time because she has to but she'd jump at the chance of not having to work. They've already moved to a cheap area, have older cars, only holiday once a year etc so she's hoping she can give up work soon. They're married but no children.
It wouldn't be for me as I appreciate my freedom that money gives me and my family, but she can't wait.

Yes I agree with that. I don’t know any women at work who have a husband facilitating their career yet men in the same job seem to need a wife to do this.

They don't either. And eventually they realise that, and just hire a cleaner for a few hours...

And? Yes if she needs to, doesn't mean she wants too. The two are not the same.

The woman in the OP wants to be a SAHW. The man doesn't want a SAHW. Neither is "wrong" for thinking the way that they do.

You don’t though. You don’t support yourself- you need the breadwinner’s agreement for your life. What happens when you don’t do what he wants?

you need his approval for your every move, tacit or not. It’s no way to live.

And that's the difference between you and me.

Except I don't have to say "dear lord" and patronise your preference. That's another difference.

Yet you don’t want a sahh do you? So again, what sort of man wants a servant with no say at home looking after him?

@lilacbunny

no night out in 5 years?!!

whyyyy??

couldn’t cope with that. Would much rather work.

Correct. My husband financially supports. And I do as I like.

I know someone who did this. She's never worked nor will she. Her husband was happy with the arrangement.
I often wonder how she would manage if her husband who is the sole income ever died. I imagine if that happened she would depend on her adult children instead.

YANBU, imagine this was the other way round and your daughter was with a man whose goal in life was for his wife to support him not working, no way would this be acceptable. Different if there are young children but in this day and age, it's unreasonable to expect not to have to work unless you are minding young children or have a disability or have a trust fund to support you. It sounds like she needs to grow up and I understand what being an adult means rather than hoping some poor man will support her.

I wish my husbsnd would agree to be a sahp. There is so much thst needs doing that he is better at than me.

@InceyWinceySpidy

she is wrong though
very very few men want a stay at home wife- and for good reason

I fail to see how a small minority of women choosing to pursue a different way is a huge deal.

Why do they need us to support them?

But much to ask, thought their husbands were doing that already? 😆🤣

They can do whatever the like (if their husband says so of course, given he will have the final say on all aspects of their life as dependents). However, what they should not do is hold this up as some type of situation to aspire to and try to persuade us all that the data is wrong and we should encourage other young women to do this.

Some of the posts on here are so vociferous in their attempts to paint financial helplessness as a dream that one wonders if it's a little too much protestation to be genuine. I mean, if people were really so happy in such situations, why would they be so incredibly defensive about it and need to convince other people that it's great? Wouldn't they just be busy with their book in the sunshine being happy?

In that case he should probably get a servant not a wife. I too would love to come home to a perfect house, food cooked, dogs seen to, bed made, laundry done etc, but I’m pretty sure people would have a very different view if I said I wanted a stay at home husband to do all that for me.

Oh, my mistake, it's you with the disgusting "your husband doesn't see you as an equal nor respect you" again. Whereas you, of course he would. Because job. Innit.

Again, due to your disgusting remarks, I won't be engaging with conversation with you, so please stop quoting my posts.

Perpetuating sexist stereotypes is harmful to women. If we had a genuinely equal society there would be very little of this. Adults who want an equal relationship don’t want someone who wants to depend on them financially their whole life

@InceyWinceySpidy

you don’t though
if you suddenly decided you didn’t want to do the cooking and/or cleaning, he would presumably have something to say
you think you are answerable to no one but you are - just to your husband rather than a line manager or whatever

Because I’m a consultant who worked very hard to build up a reputation and can now command high fees and dictate my own hours.

Also, if I’m totally honest, I pay people to prune my bush and clean my house.

If I want to go and waft around the supermarket with you, I can. That’s not the reserve of the unemployed.

Lol. Her preference is wrong. Because you said so.

It matters not what he wants. They aren't together. Its what she wants. So they are both now off on their own to find someone with more aligned choices.

Cool. Good for you.

See how easy it is not to be an arse because someone chooses to live differently to your preference.