A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

I know you can't bear that I fill my days, as I choose, but alas I do.

And we can have an opinion on whether a 23 year Aspiring to be a married wife asap is a good idea or not.

So can I.

But I work FT too.

I know you may find that difficult to comprehend.

@InceyWinceySpidy

so if you do all the stuff most of us do outside of work within “normal” work hours… what the hell do you do the rest of the time?! 🤣

You are way overinvested in this.

Leave her to it. If she doesnt find anyone, she'll eventually have to fund herself.

@InceyWinceySpidy

also what would you say if your husband decided he too wanted less stress, for his time to be his own to manage, to not have to answer to a manager. Why should it just be you who can live like that?

@AllegraWalterJones Yes, the #tradwife.
But again, that's this woman's mistake. She needs a rich man, not 'move to a cheaper area'. lol.

Some of them aren't married, and are #stayathomegirlfriend. Madness imo.

Rational people aren't going to encourage "different choices" if that means condoning women leeching off men and expecting to never work or earn their own money. How infantilising, how sad. I'd be devastated if my daughter's life was entirely dependent on her husband and she had no autonomy of financial independence and such a narrow set of opportunities: devastated for her.

We don't have to pretend all opinions have equal objective value. Financial dependency is not something to aspire to, with all the risks that entails. Nor is a very narrow life where you are limited to only engaging in certain aspects of it.

What may feel like freedom at first becomes a prison for many.

We know this. The risks and data on outcomes are there. While some people may have been lucky that it has worked out well for them and that they have a particular mentality where it doesn't become stifling for them, even if there is no relationship breakdown it's clear that for many people it becomes very limiting in the end and there is no way back. And if the relationship does break down... well. We also know how many women are "shocked" when their husband finally has enough of this: bankrolling an unemployed adult, bearing the responsibility for finances alone, having nothing in common with the person at home all day anymore and all attraction gone. Always it has apparently "come out of the blue". Hmmmm.

I can't imagine why anybody would tell a young person of either sex it would be a good idea to become someone playing either such role in a relationship. It's not a recipe tor happiness in the majority of cases, that's for sure!

Surely that's obvious? Full time doesn't always mean 9-5, 5 days a week. Especially if you have a senior role and can be more flexible.

You can WFH some or all of the time
You can work full time hours over 4 days

etc

@InceyWinceySpidy

yep! and the woman in OP’s post needs to work too doesn’t she?

Relax.

Do you have some need to fill every hour of the day with an activity?

@InceyWinceySpidy

you must do a LOT of relaxing

I don’t need to fill every hour no, but I couldn’t be doing with THAT many hours doing nothing

None of your business.

Projecting?

I think it's you that can comprehend that what suits you, doesn't suit everyone.

I was wondering whether this young woman belongs to one of those sects where they are required to 'submit to their husband' ie she believes that in life it is her role to stay home and look after him ? There was a thread on MN a little while back with a pp explaining this position .

I fill my days as I choose too. I just choose to fill some of them with work that is rewarding and personally meaningful to me.

So @InceyWinceySpidy if you think it's great having your wonderful life of leisure why don't you think your husband should get the same? When does he get to read a novel in the sun or go to the gym? Don't you think it's rather selfish of you to deny him the opportunity to have the leisure to pursue his interests?

My husband goes to the gym during work hours because they have one on site. He reads regularly. He gets more time to do what he wants in terms of fitness than I do.

Supporting women is not a beautiful thing if that means supporting them in doing something that is highly likely to be an unfulfilled pipedream, and/or you believe is harmful to women in general (despite its possible advantages to one woman).
Some women are able to turn patriarchal and sexist systems to their advantage, turning the tables and using them to exploit men via their self confessed 'life of leisure' off their husband's labour. I get why they do that, and how it advantages them.
However 'Supporting Women' is not unconditionally supporting any decision made by a woman simply because she's a woman. If a woman makes decisions to suit herself that perpetuate systems harmful to women generally, then the very most she should hope for is neutrality. Support is too big an ask.

I have two teenage DC in school and am a sahm....I'm pretty busy with housework and the like. I'm absolutely baffled as to how @InceyWinceySpidy has so much free time when she has three young DC.

So no then. You wouldn’t have married him if he had declared an intention never to work and have you support him financially his whole life.

what would you have thought of him if he had suggested that?

what do you really think he thinks of you?

I also think courts will crack down on this, in terms of women insisting that they "facilitated" their husband's career so should get half of the house equity and pension they haven't contributed to, when we know that many single mothers manage to have a career with nobody "facilitating that", as do many men and women where both work. I can't see the "I should get half of everything because I've been sooooo busy reading a book in the sunshine" brigade getting away with that kind of daylight robbery for much longer. People will reap what they sow.

Probably because most people manage to do all of what you describe plus a full time job, so she has an extra 40 hours+ per week to laze around.

I think she wants us to be jealous of her. She thinks we all want a rich husband to act like our daddy.

to be honest I wouldn’t want to live off someone else for my entire life for my own self respect (it’s an entirely different thing taking a few years off to look after kids).

I also have a cleaner twice a week as I find housework utterly dull though so that wouldn’t appeal to me either.

But she said her DC are not all in full time education yet?