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A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

1000 replies

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 07:08

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
GluedOnWobblyHead · 16/05/2023 13:11

I find some of the responses to this very strange. Would you react in the same way and say it's "fine" if your 23 year old daughter had a boyfriend who wanted to marry her so she could support him financially while he sat at home doing nothing with no intention of getting a job, and say this is "perfectly valid"? I doubt it.

70sTomboy · 16/05/2023 13:11

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 13:09

Pathetic.

We were all agog at work. I deleted them from my SM as the constant materialistic bragging was doing my head in!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/05/2023 13:12

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:07

I like the time to do things properly. I don't feel rushed, and no real stress.

I live close to my very old grandmother, and I love being able to spend as much time as possible with her, as you never know how long we have left.

I like painting, I'll be starting on eldest DC room next.

I like that when I go to the shops, I'm not in the bustle of everyone else trying to shop at the weekends.

I like the time to plan our meals, and cook mostly from scratch. I'm also learning how to properly prune trees and hedges as we have loads and they look superb when they've just been done, and frankly shite for the rest of the year Grin

I like not having to report to anyone, no boss or supervisor or deadlines, my time is entirely mine to manage. I did work at one point, and went from employed to self employed for exactly the same reason.

I like that if it's sunny, and I want to sit outside and read for an hour, I can.

I like that our house looks beautiful. I have a lot of time to make it this way. And it really is. Not just me saying it's beautiful because I've run a hoover round. Friends constantly complement. I learned to flower arrange, and have the most lovely designs up in the kitchen at the moment. Huge difference in knowing how to do it Vs plonking things in a vase. I've revamped all our storage areas. I'm always reading about interior design, it really interests me and our home is reflective of this.

I like the money we save because I have the time to shop around.

I like being able to get straight up and at it, or if I'm feeling a bit tired, just spend the day quietly.

None of this relates to DC.

😆

Well then.

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:12

SueVineer · 16/05/2023 13:03

Answer the question- would you have married him if he told you he planned not to work at all throughout his whole adult life and expected you to support him and pay for everything?

your reaction tells me you know there is truth in what I say. You must be around the same age as me (I had kids older though). I can’t imagine any decent man of my generation I know who wanted to take on someone who just never wanted to work their entire life and expected to be looked after.

Forgive me, for no longer entertaining the demands of someone who tells other women how their own independent choices mean their husbands see them as lower beings, not worthy of respect.

By all means, predictably announce that it must mean that I can't answer your question. And definitely not because it's disgusting how you state that categorically my husband sees me as unequal. If only I had a paid job. How his eyes would unfold.

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:15

Catspyjamas17 · 16/05/2023 13:08

I do all that and work full time. How do you fill the rest of your time?

Lol.

You just won "I'm a working mum and that's nothing" bingo!

This comes out every thread Grin

GluedOnWobblyHead · 16/05/2023 13:15

Yes there is. Lots of young women online talking about how to find a husband who'll enable them not to work.

Christ. That won't end well.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 13:15

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:12

Forgive me, for no longer entertaining the demands of someone who tells other women how their own independent choices mean their husbands see them as lower beings, not worthy of respect.

By all means, predictably announce that it must mean that I can't answer your question. And definitely not because it's disgusting how you state that categorically my husband sees me as unequal. If only I had a paid job. How his eyes would unfold.

Why are you desperate to be seen as some sort of lady of leisure? You have three young DC...one has sn. I'd have thought your life would be pretty busy. Yet apparently you just waft around arranging flowers.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/05/2023 13:15

Catspyjamas17 · 16/05/2023 13:08

I do all that and work full time. How do you fill the rest of your time?

Same. My house is beautiful, my bush is perfectly pruned, my walls are painted, my fridge is full, my meals are planned, my laundry basket is empty, and my bank balance is healthy because I work full time. 😆😆😆

This thread is so funny.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/05/2023 13:15

Robinni · 16/05/2023 12:36

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

For two kids under 5 the childcare costs for a 5 day week are £26,000+ for three it’s over £40,000.

All of the Mums work, they haven’t “given up” their careers, but only do 3-4 day weeks because after tax, NI etc it really doesn’t make sense to do more. The husbands are the bigger earner, don’t breast feed, don’t have pregnancy and childbirth to contend with, so ultimately they stay full time and proceed with their career progression uninterrupted so they can get ahead more than wives who’ve taken maternity etc. For some of the women, they plan to go back full time once the kids are teens, others don’t.

As I said the career pathways are very varied - doctors, dentists, optoms, pharmacists, teachers, sales, counsellors, admin, accountants etc etc

Academics can’t really go part time as it is too competitive, neither can nurses (that I’ve known) which is why my friend is retraining, solicitors are work obsessed, very demanding…. but that’s it.

You can expect to see regional differences around the U.K. due to differences in childcare provision - England is due to get 30hrs free CC from age 1 now right? And this will widen inequality with elsewhere.

House prices and other bills are vastly greater in some regions, as well as wages, so while it would absolutely be imperative for both husband and wife to work in S/SE England and there would be financial reward for this…. In the rest of the U.K. where wages are not as high and costs lower there really isn’t the same impetus and many can get away with working a 3-4 day week, usually the women.

As the stats show - only a third work full time, third part time, third not at all.

Not advocating for any particular choice - just that women should HAVE a choice. It’s important.

Since 2020 the most common working arrangement in the UK has shifted to both parents working full-time.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/familiesandthelabourmarketengland/2021

It's interesting that all of the women you mention appear to be the lower earners in their relationships, even before taking time out for children. That isn't the case for nave of the families I know.

The cost of full time childcare is indeed extortionate if people aren't eligible for any support with this. However, many couples choose to work around each other in order to reduce time spent in childcare/costs etc. We both worked full time when dd was little but very flexible hours so only ever needed around 20 hours of childcare. In any case, the preschool years are so short that many people see it as an investment for the future even if they do only break even in that period. Again, it depends on what you earn, how flexible your roles are, how many children you have, how they are spaced out etc.

As for having a choice...I have no issue with women having a choice, but I think men are equally entitled to that choice, and nobody should assume that they have a right to SAH if that doesn't work for their partner. I would personally never have chosen to be a SAHP as that wouldn't have worked for our family, but I think it's fine if it works for yours.

Families and the labour market, UK - Office for National Statistics

The employment rates and employment practices of men and women with dependent children in the UK, based on data from the Labour Force Survey, Annual Population Survey and Time Use Survey.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/familiesandthelabourmarketengland/2021

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/05/2023 13:16

This thread really does show that women don’t need men to put them down.

other women are quite happy to do that simply for having different choices.

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:17

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 12:41

You couldn't easily get a job during those school hours. I know from experience. Term time jobs are like gold dust. Also with three kids you'll have several days a term where they will be absent from school due to illness. Then there's inset days and strike days. Also you will have lots of housework while they're at school. Lots of laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking and life admin. It's nothing at all like the life the girl the op knows is wanting to have.

Yes, I could easily get a job. I'm a qualified accountant. Easy to do a set of accounts in school hours. People still ask me to do their tax returns even though I haven't worked for years.

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:17

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/05/2023 13:16

This thread really does show that women don’t need men to put them down.

other women are quite happy to do that simply for having different choices.

Exactly this

Samlewis96 · 16/05/2023 13:18

CabbagePatchDole · 16/05/2023 07:34

Perhaps her craving isn’t so much for a man but to have her kids experience the security of having a mum at home. Perhaps her
m was absent a lot due to being a single working parent and she felt that was a hardship for her as a kid. I can relate to that, although it had the opposite effect on me: seeing my mum work so hard made me want to emulate her and progress in my chosen career.

Except that SHE DOESNT have Kids!!!! Can't believe how many people here seem unable to read

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 13:20

SilentParrot · 16/05/2023 12:55

Women supporting women is beautiful and that includes when choices may not align with what you would do.

that's such hogwash.

Complete bollocks.

OP posts:
Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 13:22

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:17

Yes, I could easily get a job. I'm a qualified accountant. Easy to do a set of accounts in school hours. People still ask me to do their tax returns even though I haven't worked for years.

If you have not been working for a while your experience is out of date.

OP posts:
AllegraWalterJones · 16/05/2023 13:23

SueVineer · 16/05/2023 13:04

What about a man who never wanted to work. What do you think of that? Would you take him on?

No - because that's not what I value. And I'm bisexual, so yeah, either sex.
There are quite a few men who want trophy wives. I've never heard of women wanting the same, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 13:24

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 13:22

If you have not been working for a while your experience is out of date.

Doing a tax return is what any layperson could do.
You don't have to be a qualified accountant.

OP posts:
usernother · 16/05/2023 13:24

Haven't read whole thread and it may have been mentioned, but young women not working and devoting their day to housework, skin care regime, gym and shopping is a 'thing' on TikTok. That's maybe where she got the idea from.

AllegraWalterJones · 16/05/2023 13:25

usernother · 16/05/2023 13:24

Haven't read whole thread and it may have been mentioned, but young women not working and devoting their day to housework, skin care regime, gym and shopping is a 'thing' on TikTok. That's maybe where she got the idea from.

Yes, the #tradwife.
But again, that's this woman's mistake. She needs a rich man, not 'move to a cheaper area'.
lol.

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 13:26

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:17

Yes, I could easily get a job. I'm a qualified accountant. Easy to do a set of accounts in school hours. People still ask me to do their tax returns even though I haven't worked for years.

Why did you ever work?

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:26

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/05/2023 13:15

Same. My house is beautiful, my bush is perfectly pruned, my walls are painted, my fridge is full, my meals are planned, my laundry basket is empty, and my bank balance is healthy because I work full time. 😆😆😆

This thread is so funny.

Cool.

So instead of cherry picking the easy bits, why don't you tell me how you spend two days a week with your grandmother, working full time.

How do you walk out of the office and go and read for an hour...not your lunch, obviously I have that as well, separately.

How do you go to work, and leave to go to the gym mid day.

How do you go to the shop when you should be at work.

You have to do all these things outside of work hours. I do them during "normal" work hours.

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:27

Comedycook · 16/05/2023 13:26

Why did you ever work?

Because I needed too.

JaneJeffer · 16/05/2023 13:28

It's her business what she wants to do.

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 13:28

InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:26

Cool.

So instead of cherry picking the easy bits, why don't you tell me how you spend two days a week with your grandmother, working full time.

How do you walk out of the office and go and read for an hour...not your lunch, obviously I have that as well, separately.

How do you go to work, and leave to go to the gym mid day.

How do you go to the shop when you should be at work.

You have to do all these things outside of work hours. I do them during "normal" work hours.

If you do flexi hours you can take an hour anytime and read your mills and boon.

OP posts:
InceyWinceySpidy · 16/05/2023 13:29

Ludlow2 · 16/05/2023 13:24

Doing a tax return is what any layperson could do.
You don't have to be a qualified accountant.

And yet millions of people use them. Quite the riddle.

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