A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Often? No. Very rarely.

The most common reason, like my own DH, and in fact the same for every DH I know of my friends who are SAHW, is that it works best for our household.

Interestingly, all households have at least 3DC (some 4DC and one friend has 7DC.) Which generates a lot more work than just one or two children, and so, the household tasks inherently take longer. Bigger house, more rooms, more clothes, uniforms, more clubs, more admin etc.

DH is actually WFH today and I just posed the question to him.

1. Why do you like me being a SAHM?

"Because it's what you want to do, and i want you to be happy" (then immediately followed by "Why?....Are you on fucking Mumsnet again" )

She does not have a job.

Does not want a job.

The irony.

Thank you for approving my "acceptable" choice because the children haven't started school yet.

What about my choice when they have?

PP who said it's rare for women to have complete financial independence:

I don't agree it's rare for women to have financial independence.

Yes, my DP pays towards the bills but if he left right now my lifestyle would remain the same because I earn enough to sustain it independently.

I feel security in knowing this, and security for my DD too. I'm 32 and started setting up my stall around 20. My DM left my DF when I was 16 and was pretty much fucked financially. I got a part time job to help and decided that risk wasn't for me.

There was a thread on here recently and many women discussed it.

It's only her right of someone else is prepared to fund it. It's highly unlikely she will find a man nowadays who is prepared to do that pre children.

I have teenage children and I don't work. Stop trying to play the victim and think everyone is against you not working.

On a previous thread I was called ''sick'' for going back to work at 3 months and sending my baby to nursery full time.

On this thread there was a little dig about how easy it is to work full time with a baby because he's ''out of my hair'' all day at nursery.

The comments absolutely go both ways, especially on here.

If that worked for them and their set up why wouldn’t it be ok?

As long as he was aware of the potential consequences of choices, just as women need to be, then it’s a choice if it works for them both.

So I choose to be a (current) SAHM and in the future will be a SAHW because I'm sexist, or my husband is? Or are we both?

If you could just let me know, I'd really be grateful.

What's not ok is women claiming in the name of feminism and sisterhood, ironically shitting on other women if they have a different preference.
Feminism isn't about high giving every decision made by a woman though.

Women can, and do, have whatever preferences they like. Being aware that society tends to shaft women doesn't change that.

What's clear from this thread is how many people seem incapable of unwilling to get that being a SAHP (of either sex) is different to someone being 23 (of either sex) and their main aspiration is getting married so they have a meal ticket for life and their spouse can fund everything.

It is quite sad really that, basically, you get criticised no matter what you do.

SAH.
WOH.
too many kids
only child
breast feed
Don’t breast feed
Routine for baby
no routine

Its always wrong in someone’s eyes.

Threads on this subject all turn into exactly the same bun fight. Every time.

Well that made literally no sense.

You were addressing my post where I said I was a current SAHM and would be a SAHW.

To which you commented "you have children though."

I fail to see where I am claiming I am a victim?

DH is actually WFH today and I just posed the question to him.

1. Why do you like me being a SAHM?
3. "Because it's what you want to do, and i want you to be happy" (then immediately followed by "Why?....Are you on fucking Mumsnet again" )

======

Ick. Why does HE like you being a SAHM? Why do YOU?

If you think you're fulfilled and he agrees to fund it then that's it. So many SAHM find that when their marriages end, 'it's what you want to do' and 'I want you to be happy', doesn't factor one bit.

'Fucking' MN might be a lifeline then though.

She is clearly stating her expectations which is reasonable.

He disagreed and doesn't feel compatible with those expectations, which is also reasonable.

She will need to pursue someone with a high income who wants a traditional marriage (and there are plenty of men who want this).

She is getting her education which is wonderful and hopefully she will meet someone who feels the same as her and be very happy.

You sound quite judgemental and it's a shame.
Women supporting women is beautiful and that includes when choices may not align with what you would do.

@InceyWinceySpidy

you will still be a stay at home mum rather than a stay at home wife when your kids are at school

having kids generates loads more housework than just a couple for a start, loads more life admin too.

OP is talking about a stay at home WIFE. who has no kids. Like literally what she do all day every day, lol

Yes I've seen that too. It's equally disgraceful.

My experience though, is that there are a handful of SAHM who spout that abuse at working mum's, but a torrent of working mum's who berate SAHM/SAHW.

Because if you have three children in school, you're not a sahw in the way the op is discussing. You will still have plenty of housework and chores to do...not to mention doing the school run, covering sicknesses, children's medical appointments, looking after your DC in the 14 weeks of school holidays every year. Vastly vastly different situation to deciding at 23 that you won't work and will live off your husband despite having zero caring responsibilities.

Ick. Try reading the thread. The question posed that I was responding to, was "why would a man want a SAHW?"

I've already answered why I want to be a SAHW. Because I like it. Again, read the thread.

OP is talking about a stay at home WIFE. who has no kids. Like literally what she do all day every day, lol
This is what lots of people have ignored since the first page.

Choosing to be a SAHP (of either sex) is not the same as being in your early 20s (again either sex) and wanting to marry so your spouse (of either sex) can bankroll you for life because you don't really fancy working.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

For two kids under 5 the childcare costs for a 5 day week are £26,000+ for three it’s over £40,000.

All of the Mums work, they haven’t “given up” their careers, but only do 3-4 day weeks because after tax, NI etc it really doesn’t make sense to do more. The husbands are the bigger earner, don’t breast feed, don’t have pregnancy and childbirth to contend with, so ultimately they stay full time and proceed with their career progression uninterrupted so they can get ahead more than wives who’ve taken maternity etc. For some of the women, they plan to go back full time once the kids are teens, others don’t.

As I said the career pathways are very varied - doctors, dentists, optoms, pharmacists, teachers, sales, counsellors, admin, accountants etc etc

Academics can’t really go part time as it is too competitive, neither can nurses (that I’ve known) which is why my friend is retraining, solicitors are work obsessed, very demanding…. but that’s it.

You can expect to see regional differences around the U.K. due to differences in childcare provision - England is due to get 30hrs free CC from age 1 now right? And this will widen inequality with elsewhere.

House prices and other bills are vastly greater in some regions, as well as wages, so while it would absolutely be imperative for both husband and wife to work in S/SE England and there would be financial reward for this…. In the rest of the U.K. where wages are not as high and costs lower there really isn’t the same impetus and many can get away with working a 3-4 day week, usually the women.

As the stats show - only a third work full time, third part time, third not at all.

Not advocating for any particular choice - just that women should HAVE a choice. It’s important.

Yes, there's of course more to do with DC around for part of the day. No one is disputing that.

The point is, at that time I could easily get a job in the school hours. And I choose not too. Because I like being a SAHW. I would choose to be, without DC as well.

And that's my choice, which is no better or worse than someone who chooses differently.

@InceyWinceySpidy

so even if you didn’t have kids, you still wouldn’t want to get a Job?

why?

what would you do all day?

no judgment, just genuinely curious

Exactly. This whole ‘tradition’ thing only applied to middle class women. Every women in my family before me has worked. This involved nursing, sewing, factory work, childminding whilst other women worked.

Its very hard for me to imagine it as a mother of 20s DS and knowing something of their thinking and that of their friends, because they simply wouldn't. And tbh I'd wonder where I'd gone wrong if they did.
A hot meal, a clean home and having to discuss with someone else before you book your holidays would be considered by most to be poor compensation for the loss to your partnership of what could be £1m in earnings over the lifetime of a marriage. Which would buy a lot of takeaways and a cleaner.