To want my son to go to a higher achieving Uni?

[Namingchangeagain]

My son now has A star AA at A-level and is on his year out. He has four unconditional offers from universities (going this September) and three of those unis are considered ‘top’ - Bristol, Durham and Leeds. However, he wants to go Aberystwyth - who have also offered him a place. We think he is aiming too low (most students on the course will have BBB whereas our son has A star AA). AIBU?

It is! I'm 20 years out of Durham and only one of my friends went this route. They moved out of London after about 5 years.

The other thing is that posters seem to think it's the 'privileged' pushing their DC into prestigious careers.

I have found it's the other way around. Those who don't need to earn, and who'll get deposits from Mummy and Daddy anyway have a lot more freedom to travel, try other things. Plus, they're unlikely to end up unemployed because Mummy and Daddy can help them get jobs too!

Those who 'have' to earn a living can't afford to be picky. Especially with the greater burden of graduate roles r.e. the recent changes...

oops, that was for @RampantIvy !

It can often be easier to start in London and either get transferred out on a smaller salary drop. Or take the money you've saved and buy a much more liveable property than what you can get in London.
I chose to start over outside London as the grad scheme salaries were only a couple of thousand different anually... and did really well but many others do as the above.
Plus in my industry hybrid and homeworking has always been a thing.

I've been here from the start and actually those views are a minority.

I agree - it can feel like a common view but it's always the same handful of posters, often with outdated information from several years ago, and seemingly more interested in dropping in that their daughter is a barrister or that they are rich enough to fully fund university for several children 🙄

I disagree that the "university standing doesn't matter" people are just as bad though - I think that tends to be more along the lines of - with so many variables you just have to weigh up all the pros and cons and make the best decision you can with the information available.

There's a lot of luck involved in picking a university imo - you don't know who else is going to be on your course, it's very difficult to figure out what the teaching will be like, you can visit a city but still not really know what it would be like to live there, it's a bit of a leap of faith.

Apropos of nothing, one thing I am always puzzled about re MN and unis is why Durham is so revered - I mean I know it's a good university, but it seems far, far more popular than say UCL which is also great. I get that it has colleges and people might see a benefit to that, but so do York and Lancaster. I get that it's in a small and beautiful city but so are eg York and Bath. Yet Durham seems to be way more popular than any of these. What is its secret? DS wanted a course that Durham don't offer and has gone elsewhere, but DD (Y12) might be interested - is it worth the several hundred mile trip to have a look and if so, why?

I have heard great stories about Aber which has quite the reputation for a happy university experience. But yes, I would talk it through with him, not so you can change his mind but to offer him a wider world view to inform his own choices. if I were paying the fees (are you?) I would think I had more ‘right’ to have an open discussion about his choice but ultimately it’s got to be his decision.

@Guiltridden12345 I assume they aren't paying fees but are helping with living costs.

I would say that the Oxbridge is everything posters on MN are at least equalled in number if not drowned out by the inverted snobs who claim that they are vastly overrated as institutions and that everyone they have ever known who went to either place has had a breakdown, was abjectly miserable throughout, couldn't get a grad job and generally doesn't know how to relate to other human beings.

I would say that the Oxbridge is everything posters on MN are at least equalled in number if not drowned out by the inverted snobs who claim that they are vastly overrated as institutions

I agree there are probably more of the latter than the former - maybe some inverted snobbery but also I think just gutted not to be a part of it and a bit jealous. My faves are the posters who give dire warnings about private school students "shunning" Oxbridge when what they're really moaning about is they're not good enough to get in these days.

If someone's DC were to in theory turn down an Oxbridge offer to go to Aberystwyth say. Is that still the DC's choice and the parents shouldn't influence it?

The other thing is that posters seem to think it's the 'privileged' pushing their DC into prestigious careers.

I don't think that at all. Although I think there is an element of following the example of the parents perhaps?

DH grew up in a very poor single parent family, and he is obsessed with making money. He says he never wants to be poor again.

...but this is a conversation about SPECIFICALLY Aberystwyth versus SPECIFICALLY NOT Oxbridge and, as it turns our, very specifically IR. This is not about turning down Oxbridge.

FWIW , I think many on MN try to start often quite neutral threads about eg Aberystwyth ( as I once did) and these can get invaded by posters with agendas. In my own experience it was the snobs rather than the inverted ones :even though DS1 was of humble academic prowess people still suggested Aberystwyth was unworthy. And, to be frank, it was actively upsetting.

Let us not also forget the 'he should go and be a plumber instead' crowd...

Tinkerbyebye · Yesterday 14:23
Snobbish or what! He’s old enough to make his own choice, and if that’s Aberystwyth then that’s where he goes.

I don't really agree with this. In theory he's an adult, yes, but in practice young people just don't have the life experience to make the best choice for themselves. Not suggesting telling him what to do, but at least have a sit-down discussion with him and put all the options/issues to him which might not even have crossed his radar.

So many considerations I wasn't even aware of at age 18 - which have certainly affected my life-choices since then.

What I don't get is that the OP was originally thinking "erm. I think my son is making a big mistake" and then the OP is like "oh well. He chose Aberystwyth a week ago and didn't tell us. How good of him!!". Like I understand OP changing their mind about Aberystwyth. But I was surprised about the happiness that he made a major life decision without consulting or telling you.

No, I'm talking about the posters who drop pithy one liners like 'nobody cares once you go into the workplace!' These are not in the balanced debate category, like myself who have never said that standing doesn't matter. It IS one of many factors, rather than something to be discounted entirely. The degree to which it matters, as you rightly said, varies.

R.e Durham - it's the only non-Oxbridge to have the collegiate system and uses it to sell itself as on par. But, erm, it's really not.

@AllegraWalterJones what would you consider on par with Oxbridge?

If you are being expected to subsidise him in any way, then of course you should have a say.

If that's the DCs choice and they had done their research then yes! Students are more likely to do well if they enjoy the course, enjoy the uni and are motivated then go somewhere they hate for prestige!

I turned down St Andrews and went to Aber and have zero regrets about doing so!
I have a professional well paid science related career and Aber was rated higher for my course!

The salaries I quoted are experienced roles for staff with 10 years plus experience. The point was to illustrate how Aberystwyth versus Durham can be initially limiting in terms of employer perception but not prevent a high long term salary.

Durham was a brilliant experience for me. Top French course in England at the time but none of the hothousing of 1 on 1/2 on 1 tutorials/weekly essays or emphasis on Medieval French that Oxford had when I did a 2 day stay. The work life balance was spot on.

Of course some people like the tutorial experience/weekly essays and even medieval French.

@AllegraWalterJones regarding Durham - my impression is that it's particularly popular with posh kids from South East and London who didn't get into Oxbridge. Those kids often don't want to stay in London and fancy going somewhere else before coming back to grad jobs in London.

@eggsbenedict23 I would put Imperial on par with Oxbridge, maybe LSE for econ.

That’s rather unfair on people who choose Durham a. For its own sake (like pp) and b. Because they’re northern themselves.

I might have applied for Oxford had I known medieval french was an option.

NC as outing but I studied medieval French at Oxford and loved it! Most of us taking the medieval options didn’t have any interest in it prior to uni and quickly fell in love.