To absolutely hate my house

[purpleflowers88]

I hate it, I never really liked it when we moved in but it was all we could afford in the area.

All plastering is shit (2002 build) half the curtain poles are falling down cos it can't hold the weight. The garden has a fucking raised wall meaning it's not safe for our young daughter. I moved out for a while last year during a separation and he let the garden go to shit. We're on LPG gas so there is a great tank in the corner of what little space we have.
I painted the kitchen over lockdown as it was 90s wood and it improved it but it's peeling. The dog chewed the lino, which looked cruddy already.
All my friends have such lovely houses and nice gardens their children can play in.. and say their partners keep on top of it.. mine doesn't. I've asked for shelves to be put up for 3 weeks. He does no gardening.. no painting, no DIY, has no interest in home improvements.
I know some people don't have a home at all and im lucky but I just need to rant as it's getting me down.

I live in a small flat with 2 kids, no garden, kitchen so small it only has space for one plate on the side and 3 cuboards, no room for a larger washing machine or dryer, dishwasher or counter space for appliances, awkward shaped living room that means only space for sofa is for kitchen direct sunlight, mouldy carpets the landlord won’t replace, all fittings old and cheap, chipping everything.. now I get that just because my situation is shiter it doesn’t mean yours isn’t crap too, and I know you said you’re lucky to have a home, but I’d give anything for a house with a garden even a small one. I’m assuming like me you can’t afford to change anything either, so are feeling stuck, me too, but I do just try and look around and think at least I have a home and my kids have warm comfy beds at night, a stable life and are happy.. even when the drug dealer upstairs decides to stab someone outside my door.. that literally happened..

Move then, he grateful for what you have…

*be

He doesn't want to do gardening

So you do it

While also swapping some of the chores you usually do, over to him to make up for it

E.g. hoovering, laundry

consider yourself lucky you have a house! many of us in rubbish rentals with no means to change the basics, horrible carpets and woodchip wallpaper etc.

Take pride in it and do your best. :)

It's lovely OP! It just needs some TLC! Great few compared to my house :)

Get better toy storage and train your daughter to tidy up at the end of the day with you or your husband. Get rid of anything that is broken. Give the sofa cushions a massive shake and a good vacuum. Neither of my husbands have been interested in gardening bar cutting the grass. The second one is fabulous and does his share of other things. Your garden needs a weekends work to restore it to pleasantness. Ten minutes each week will keep on top of new weeds. Plant some tubs and water and feed them. Homes need constant effort. Set aside time for a massive clean then do the ten minutes a day method. Never let stuff pile up. Never keep junk mail etc. Straight into the recycling. Frenchic paint is brilliant for cupboards. Clean them with sugar soap first. The paint on yours is peeling because there was grease on the doors when you painted last time.

Your garden looks like it could be made into a lovely space with some time and tlc.

If you're pushed for time, do what I do and set a thirty minute timer on your phone, do what you can in that time and then do whatever else you need to get on with.

If you do that a few times you could pull up the weeds, give the grass a cut and rearrange the stuff you've got out there to make the space more attractive.

You need to decide what your problem is.

It's one thing to resent that your partner doesn't do his fair share of housework and general maintenance, quite another to think he "should" do all the DIY because it's a "man job". Lots of men are shit at DIY and won't admit it because it's emasculating or something, like they have to hand back their man card if they can't find their way round B&Q and talk about the relative merits of power tools with tradesmen, so they procrastinate and the jobs won't get done.

What you should (both) be doing is sitting down and agreeing what needs doing and if necessary, getting someone in to do it. If you want shelves for example, you put them up or you get a handy person in.

And don't catastrophise. Realise that Rome wasn't built in a day and start with the small easy things. You can repaint your cupboards but take time to prepare and do it properly (good prep is probably 90% of a good paint job). Fill your walls and get proper fixings for those curtain poles. If your walls are really shit, curtain tracks might be a better option than poles - you can place the fixings where you need them and even use battens if necessary, as they'll be hidden.

Your garden looks fine and just needs a tidy which you (as in pair of you) can do over a weekend.

Aside from the slightly peeling paint your kitchen looks OK; your tiles are a lot more modern than mine. And your living room looks like any home with a young child, nothing a bit of toy storage wouldn't make more presentable.

Comparing yourself to friends is a recipe for misery. We all have those annoyingly perfect friends. But to reiterate, if your real problem is that your partner won't lift a finger then that needs fixing in the first instance - you can take that whichever way you want.

I used to keep on top of it, even while pregnant but I just feel so reluctant to know knowing he lets it get this way. But he won't so I'll have to. I'll try to show you what I mean with a better photo. She's only 18 months and I worry she'll trip, or hurt herself on the silly bird bath thing

Then get rid of the silly birdbath thing. A couple of photos and a listing on gumtree or marketplace and its gone.

Not sure why the step is a problem, you should really be watching an 18month at all times in the garden so you must be able to stop her if she gets near it.

Otherwise you need to break down the garden jobs bit by bit. List everything that needs doing and allocate some time to get it done. That garden space will be really nice if you put the effort into doing something about it rather than keeping your mind on what your friends have.

I get houses are bloody hard work, but you can do so much yourself if you make the time.

Thank you so much everyone for you lovely comments and suggestions. I wasn't sure whether to post as I thought I would maybe get shut down for moaning about a house with things are in the world and maybe for the state my house is in.
I work 2-3 days a week and he works full time but is usually working from home at least 3 days a week. I think we might get someone to come and initially sort the garden out and then try to keep on top of it. Getting rid of the bird bath I think is a good suggestion, as is whoever said putting flower pots on the wall, I would've never thought of doing that! And to who said they would help me if they lived closer, what a lovely thing to say 🩷

Post a pic after in a few weeks I bet it will look lovely with just a bit of work, the basics are there. Then if the garden is nice it will spur you on.

Really please you are feeling positive about this now. My only other advise is to list all the jobs that need doing and think carefully if they need a skilled worker or if you can do them.

From the photo I cannot see much in your garden that needs somebody to do this work for you, other than possibly putting down extra turf if you choose.

Doing the work yourself is very rewarding and saves a fortune.

Post a pic after in a few weeks I bet it will look lovely with just a bit of work, the basics are there. Then if the garden is nice it will spur you on

Wonderful idea yes please do this OP. This should give you some extra motivation to push on with the project now.

Or alternatively, don't. Carry on hating your house and garden. Leave your husband cos that's a sure fire way to make everything better again. And just carry on moaning online in the meantime. Great plan.

Having a toddler and a house to do up is near impossible, I'm in the same boat. Your garden is lovely just needs a tidy up. I see what you mean about the wall but invest in a toddler play pen, huge ones on Amazon...will keep her safe whilst letting her play away in the summer.
My house needs so much work, an old fashioned 70s house. I have a 10 month old, work thirty hours a week and dh works away and has little interest in doing any home improvements too. Plus with nursery fees we don't have the money to be paying someone to come in and do it.
I feel like everyone around me just buys a shiny new build and can maintain everything.

I find that suggesting paying someone else to come in and do things gives my DP the motivation he needs to crack on with jobs.

Having a toddler and a house to do up is near impossible

Difficult yes
Near impossible no

What times does a toddler go to sleep? What time do you go to sleep?

It is a simple question of effort, and yes I do speak from experience.

Well you inspired me to get out and tackle some of the weeds in my garden after work yesterday. It wasn't so bad afterall. I've still got a bit to do but it's looking better already.

@PleaseJustText thats great. I hate the thought of gardening but I make myself do it by saying I’ll only do 10 minutes, and once you get going it’s so satisfying and invariably end up doing a bit more.

I read raised wall as raised well initially! So actually that small wall seems fine in comparison to what I initially you thought you had to contend with. Your daughter will get to it, or as others have said attach some steps to it, and she will soon learn to navigate those.
You could make good inroads into the garden over a few weekends.
Put the shelves up yourself.
And repaint the kitchen.
You might just have to accept your partner is not a natural DIY-er. But if you say ‘Right, this Sunday afternoon we’re doing X, Y, Z’ and then arm him with whatever tools / tasks you’ve allocated. And then you crack on with your list.

Or he looks after your daughter and you do it (I live on my own, so accept I either need to do my own DIY, rope friends in, or pay people)

Not all men are good at or interested in DIY. In itself I don't think it's a deal breaker as you could potentially sort this stuff out yourself?

My DH is hopeless at DIY so in our house all thus stuff falls to me. It is annoying but women can do this kind of stuff too or pay for trades to come and help?

There doesn't seem to be anything hugely wrong with your house OP from the pictures, just some odd jobs and tidying up?

Is this really about the relationship as a whole not working for you?

Thank you so much all for your lovely suggestions. Maybe I will feel better about things once they're tidied up a bit. It's just when I go to friends houses and they've got lovely huge gardens that are all on one level without all the annoying brickwork.
I think what's annoying is that DH just doesn't see it. He'd happily let it grow into a nature reserve and not care!
The curtain poles were fitted when we moved in.. a lot of the problems are from things that were already there when we moved in.
I didn't prep the wood in the kitchen to be honest, it said on the paint it didn't need it so I just painted it straight on.. oops!

I'm glad it's not just me that is with someone who doesn't do things around the house though.. talking to my friends sometimes it does feel like it is just me!

It all looks like you’ve got the bones of a good house, it just needs TLC and time.

Make a proper list, going through room by room. Then divide everything you want to do into types of job: 5-10 minute fixes doable with a kid in a playpen, half-hour to 45 minute jobs doable during nap time, half-day jobs that need partner to take the kid out, things you can achieve in your lunch break, things worth paying someone for.

Then begin to tackle them… I glossed an awful lot of skirting boards while on camera-off zoom calls, hemmed my curtains cheat style with iron-on hemming tape during nap time, pleated and hooked them while DC watched cartoons. If you break each task down into bits it gets easier, so your curtain poles is: measure up what you need, browse for what you want online, order the pole, check you have the rawl plugs and fixings and drill, spirit level, etc, measure and mark for the brackets, drill the brackets, put the pole up, hang the curtains. You don’t do all those things at once the way you would without DC - you make the list and do each bit in lunch breaks/evenings/nap times/TV as baby sitter times.

I agree that the wall is fine and some pots and things along it will not only look nice but create a path for your kid to know where to walk/step rather than running everywhere and falling. “Slow down by the big red plant pot” type thing.

If you cba to strip back the kitchen cupboard paint and start over, use either Dulux Super Grip or Zinsser BIN as your primer: then you won’t have to sand back to bare wood, those things cover and prep everything. Or use Annie Sloan paint or Frenchic. There’s also an anti-peel primer from Zinsser I’ve used successfully that sort of glues down the edges of peeling paint so you can prime and paint over, but I think it requires at least some of the paint underneath to be sound.

I'm hopeless at sewing. Can just about sew on a button. My husband doesn't see mess, weeds or what needs fixing and any way, he's hopeless at DIY and is so terrified of a drill we no longer have one. For various reasons I was mainly a SAH wife with 3 children. He had no interest in the children until they were in their teens.....But he worked long hours in a stressful, all encompassing job. So - we were a team with different responsibilities. I did decorating, gardening and everything to do with the children and wider family. He brought in the money. A couple of months before baby 2 arrived (baby one was 19 months) we bought a 1930s house with damp, grotty decor and a huge unkempt garden.....Sometimes I cried with tiredness. But somehow it ended up a nice house....Your house will be great one day. Just take one step at a time and don't compare your circumstances to anyone else's....it really doesn't help!