To absolutely hate my house

[purpleflowers88]

I hate it, I never really liked it when we moved in but it was all we could afford in the area.

All plastering is shit (2002 build) half the curtain poles are falling down cos it can't hold the weight. The garden has a fucking raised wall meaning it's not safe for our young daughter. I moved out for a while last year during a separation and he let the garden go to shit. We're on LPG gas so there is a great tank in the corner of what little space we have.
I painted the kitchen over lockdown as it was 90s wood and it improved it but it's peeling. The dog chewed the lino, which looked cruddy already.
All my friends have such lovely houses and nice gardens their children can play in.. and say their partners keep on top of it.. mine doesn't. I've asked for shelves to be put up for 3 weeks. He does no gardening.. no painting, no DIY, has no interest in home improvements.
I know some people don't have a home at all and im lucky but I just need to rant as it's getting me down.

Two separate problems.

If your partner doesn't pull his weight around the house or with childcare, LTB. Everything gets easier when you're not resenting someone who takes up space but doesn't contribute.

Make a list of things you think need doing around the house and garden, and start doing them, little by little. Tasks aren't gendered, you're just as capable of DIY and gardening. DC can play at 'helping' you weed and dig and plant, or corral them safely in a playpen on the grass or patio. That could be a lovely wee garden!

Same indoors. It takes moments to touch up paint. If it's a high cupboard, a babe on hip will think it play to 'help'. (Low cupboards are for after bedtime, when they can dry safely :) There's no point letting an asset you jointly own depreciate just because your not-yet-ex is a lazy arse. You'll be needing all its value at some point.

Get kids into a good routine tidying up their own toys: only 1 thing out at a time, then put away, as part of play; or everything away before each meal, eg. etc. Same with clothes into hamper or drawer, or cup and plate into sink: start them young with age appropriate tasks. Make sure they turn out capable and hard working, and not like their father.

Find out how much it would cost to have a gardener, cleaner and handy person fix all this, and how much to maintain it all on an ongoing basis.

Either pay for someone else to do it, or one of you looks after the child whilst the other does the work... or pay for a babysitter and both of you crack on with it.

I suspect that your happiness op goes much deeper this just your home?

Sorry I can’t offer any wisdom but you have my sympathy op. I’m not happy with mine either. DH took on far too much DIY stuff and has given up basically before he’s finished a lot of it. Nightmare. It’s now down to me to source people that can get the jobs done but with DC it is difficult

the garden is something that the OP could do with her daughter present. Set up a water table with toys etc, meanwhile OP starts work

A good curtain rail fix is piece of wood. We’ve had so many curtain rails fall over the years in new build houses.

We’ve bought the correct wall fittings, but they still sometimes fail, or the plaster board does, or we haven’t installed them very well.

Now we always attach a piece of wood, right across the window, just long enough for the rail to be fitted to, and just paint it the colour of the wall. Perhaps this would be more obvious if you have wallpaper, but it works so much better for us, when the curtain pole has been attached to this, and it’s painted the colour of the wall.

You have a DH problem not a house problem.

You could be the poster who complains their OH is forever finding jobs to do to avoid being with the DC or you- as others have said if he’s happy to look after the children then you can do whatever you want!

Do you have a house or a husband problem OP?

I had both. I got rid of the husband and bought the house from him. It's still a bit shit but at least it's mine.

I understand your frustation but some people doesn't have a home. Just make a list of things you would like to change and do it one thing at a time. Keeping a lovely home is team work, not only your partner business but not just you either.

I really do understand your frustrations here and I don’t want to minimise them. But it’s better to make the best of things than let the negatives or if-only drag us down.

It sounds like you’re letting your resentment towards your partner interfere with your home, and with your daughter’s environment. And while I’m not saying that your resentment isn’t justified, the way you’re living and the environment you’re providing for your daughter is still a choice.

First year of university was in a house share and it ended up a pigsty. In second year I decided that I wasn’t going to live in a pigsty anymore, even if it meant being taken advantage of or doing all the housework. And honestly the resentment level was about the same but it wasn’t unsanitary and smelly.

set yourself some goals, break them down to small steps and commit to half an hour working on your list every day. In a year you won’t recognise it.

This is what I've done. You bolt the wood into the wall with some No More Nails

I second the idea if you are really worried getting a big playpen for your daughter to play in the garden.
You can even get ones with removable/extra panels (on amazon) it's a bit expensive but for me worth the peace and 30 mins of adult time lol.

I have back problems, I weed the garden just 15 minutes a day.
It’s surprising how quickly it begins to look better.

My df was useless at gardening and diy.
My dm got fed up and took over the garden and it was stunning.
The indoor jobs had to be paid for labour though.

A other one saying the garden is safe and at 18months yoi would be oit there with her anyway supervising at this age. The problem is your DH and you are focusing that upset on the garden. Mow, plan to do 10mins weeding a Day, make a chart and tick the 10mins a day and it will soon be lovely.

It sounds more of a relationship problem as your house looks nice, just a little unloved.

Do you want to stay with him OP? If so start getting quotes from gardeners and handymen. Make him pay or pick up some of the slack, his choice. If not get rid and get your own home you can be proud of.

I also agree with a bit of work the garden could be lovely. I also agree that you might feel better if you start tackling some of it yourself.

@Hammerhouseofhorrors I am sorry to have to ask this, but after 2 disasters why an earth did you get another house which needs work? It sounds hellish and life is much too short. Can’t you sell it and get something which is already done?

What is your work/childcare/chore situation? Both you and your DH I mean.

That will give us a better understanding of which adult has more capacity to do some work on the house. That said if you and your DH don't have the same goals then it's going to be a difficult conversation.

Several problems here, OH doesn't like DIY, he's not alone in that as lots of people don't both men and women. Some are no good at it and some just don't see the jobs to be done. So you can either learn yourself or decide to get rid of him but no guarantee next one will be any good at housekeeping either! It's unfair yes but then again so are lots of things. If he does other jobs and minds the baby then maybe reorganise jobs so that the garden becomes yours perhaps. If he's just generally useless then that's a bigger issue than the overgrown garden.

Oh and that garden is perfectly safe for a child once tidied up a bit, I wouldn't let them out there on their own just yet but remove any obvious dangers and that wall is very minor issue. I thought we were talking about big huge wall too!

Why are you all waiting for your partner to do something instead of just doing it? I live alone and do it all - it’s not impossible.

As long as they are generally pulling their weight there’s no reason the garden is a ‘man’s job’ is there? So old-fashioned

I’m not a fan of diy or gardening myself, I do what I can but I pay for a bit of gardening and a handyman when I need it.
quite reasonably price and I make cutbacks in other area’s to pay for it.

Your 2002 house has 90s wood? Also, of course it isn't very nice if you use the incorrect fittings for the wall, don't maintain the garden and allow your dog to chew things up.

We live in a deterministic world, where actions have effects and determine outcomes. The good news about that is that you can create the outcomes you might like by taking some actions. Posting on MN isn't one of those actions.

Get rid of the crap to the tip.
hire a powerhouse and do the patio then pull out any weeds that are left. Mow the lawn.

chalk paint can be painted on without prep. but it’s expensive.

I second the above, particularly the bit about it being a virtuous cycle. Try your hand at something simple first and you CAN make a difference.

Plastering is not something most people can tackle on their own but apart from that there's a lot of achievable stuff there. That's a lovely sunny garden and you can make that into somewhere your daughter loves to play in. Try not to worry about the wall or anything else unless it's got loose bricks or any really sharp bits.

So yeah just do it all yourself your dh deserves a rest and it’s your job after all to do everything 🙄