To absolutely hate my house

[purpleflowers88]

I hate it, I never really liked it when we moved in but it was all we could afford in the area.

All plastering is shit (2002 build) half the curtain poles are falling down cos it can't hold the weight. The garden has a fucking raised wall meaning it's not safe for our young daughter. I moved out for a while last year during a separation and he let the garden go to shit. We're on LPG gas so there is a great tank in the corner of what little space we have.
I painted the kitchen over lockdown as it was 90s wood and it improved it but it's peeling. The dog chewed the lino, which looked cruddy already.
All my friends have such lovely houses and nice gardens their children can play in.. and say their partners keep on top of it.. mine doesn't. I've asked for shelves to be put up for 3 weeks. He does no gardening.. no painting, no DIY, has no interest in home improvements.
I know some people don't have a home at all and im lucky but I just need to rant as it's getting me down.

I have a similar raised step in my garden and my LO has always played out. It takes a bit more monitoring until they learn to be careful but it’s so worth it to use the outdoor space.

From the photos this is so doable ! weed the garden . Clean the slabs . Tidy it up .
paint the kitchen cabinets . It will take some dedicated time but all homeowners face the same problems re time constraints . You’ve got this! i watch videos of of people doing mini makers of their homes and it provides inspiration .

This! I've lived so many places without any garden and I love your outside space. It's safe, too. Maybe it's more a relationship problem that is making you hate your home. With some TLC it could be fabulous.

I don’t think the house itself or the garden are problems. It just needs a bit of work consistently over time, bit by bit as a pp said (and my autocorrect doesn’t want me to type that either!)

Re the marriage that’s a whole other question as to whether you want to save it!

Don't be so sexist, OP. Maintenance isn't just men's work, you can do it too. Make him cook for a week in return.

Buy, rent or borrow a sledgehammer and knock that tiny little wall down. Use a spade to create a slope. Spend a fiver on grass seed and bingo, that's sorted. Take the old blocks to the skip or put a message out on FB community for anyone looking for hardcore. Good workout for your arms.

Next thing you need to do is clean all that green gunk off the polycarbonate roof. Scraper, ladder, squeegee. Or book someone to come and powerhouse it down.

Half an hour a day on the garden till it's looking better, then focus on the house. We painted four rooms over the coronation weekend and feel much happier about our house.

Not racing to the bottom here but I can totally relate!!
My house is shit. No off road parking so each day is a battle to park the car.
All the rooms bar one need plastering.
I need a re wire.
I need new carpets.
I need a new kitchen . It's dark wood and tiny layout.

But..... its mine and its the best I could afford at the time.
Tackle one job at a time. Or, if finances allow , sub out the work. Gardener , cleaner , decorator.
I take before and after pictures. Before, a wild messy garden. Spend a day cutting and weeding and take a photo of the results. You'll be so pleased .

Hi, try Frenchie paint for the kitchen.

We have a frequently visiting 2 yo who copes with a bigger step than that in our garden if that’s any help! (Mine are older now)

My garden gets a bit like that sometimes, DD still plays out, it's all the better for bug hunting etc. take out any nettles and it'll be so fun to explore.

My house is 90s, awful cheap construction. I've found this method for curtain poles really works:

thecarpentersdaughter.co.uk/renovations/curtain-pole-batten/

I fell into the trap of having my own flat when I met my husband. I done it up by myself. He was really impressed that it was done up so nicely. He moved in and we married. We then got a small house together, brand new so not much to do in it. Then we decided to buy a bigger detached house that needed work. Great. He said ‘we could do loads to it, it’s got lots of potential’. So we bought it and moved in. 28 years later and I’m still waiting for him to finish jobs he’s started. I arranged the new roof, I cleaned up after it was done, I arranged the rendering, I cleaned up after it was done. We got a new kitchen, 20 years ago’i can fit it ‘he said, still waiting for it to be finished! The list is endless. But he goes to work(as do I) but his job of sitting on a computer most of the day is so much harder than mine (surgical nurse). I wish I had stayed in my flat, unmarried!

A few hours a week in the garden would make a huge impact. Get something for the patio weeds, maybe use some patio cleaner I think it is called path clear and/ or a jet wash if you can borrow one will have it looking much better in no time.

Do you know I've been married over 40 years and the only tasks my husband does are ones that he wants to do because he benefits...
I have always done all the decorating, furnishing and garden and saved up to get bigger jobs done. I like my environment to be pleasant to be in but he just doesn't care as long as he can function.
I have to balance this by thinking I don't drive so he has always had that task ( although if I can do something by public transport I will!)
If you start with one small, achievable job and then go on to next you will start to see a change...
There are no major clearance jobs in the garden. As others have said Strim it, sweep it and get rid of anything not useful or loved, that will be a good start.
As you progress you will get a sense of accomplishment and that should spur you on... must admit sometimes it's anger that gives me the strength to move heavy objects!!!

I used to live with one male housemate who did nothing and it ground me down in a way I can't explain (partners have been different luckily). It eats away at you with it feeling unfair. You end up so resentful and it kind of became all I could think about, I was so enraged coming across mess when I'd just tidied yet again. He was filthy, to be fair. It changed me as a person really quite a lot, which seems bonkers looking back but there we go. The pressure that lifted when I moved out was huge. I would have to seriously consider if I could continue in a relationship with someone who did this, unfortunately.

In your shoes, I would ask friends to come over for the day and help you blitz it. Be open about the fact your partner isn't helping. It's all very well with people saying you can do it and yes you can but it's a big job on top of managing everything else if you're already ground down and tired.

I'd get someone to strim it, someone to kill off the weeds on the patio, someone to pressure wash the patio. Get a bench or a planter along that wall so it's blocked off). You could buy a wood planter that you could paint a lovely colour to brighten it all up. Fill it with strawberries and dwarf sunflowers and lettuces and lavender. Then your child can go pick things out of it. Or put a sandpit there in front of the wall. Once your garden has had about 4-5 full days of work on it it's going to be such a lovely space that you will be able to enjoy. It's much easier keeping on top of a garden once it's been sorted out so hopefully it is manageable after this. If your friends won't, pay someone if you can. The faster it gets done, the better you'll feel I think and then you can turn your attention to the house

It looks like a lovely home. Even the grottiest place can usually be turned into somewhere you feel happy in with some thought (bar it being dangerous with damp/mould obviously).

At 18 months I would keep and eye on her, but I think she'll quickly realise about the step.

Maybe get rid of the bird bath?

You could get your garden looking immaculate in a weekend if your husband looks after your daughter. As others have said, the kitchen cupboards just need sanding down and touching up, and the living room would look completely different if it was just tidied up and you put nice bright cushions on the sofa and some pictures on the walls.

I can’t believe we did it twice let alone three times.
I will say the first and second purchase were all we could afford. The second had a big garden for the kids, was v cheap because it was a state.
This property is a Wealden Hall House, was three times below its market value because it was a state. The period in history 1400s is a period we are both fascinated by and we would never have been able to afford such a property if it was in good nick. . We got it for £500,000 but when it’s finished given it’s size , local interest and history it will be £2,700,000. ( it will cost us £150,000 to do the work, much of it ourselves or me ) We could never afford a finished house such as this. Also we didn’t want someone to come in and start glueing it together, non breathable paints, glitz and glam and cctv crap everywhere.

So, when we spotted it up for sale we had a look, fell in love and bought it. Running away from the previous horrid property ( architecturally really ugly ) with a sigh of relief.

As a final note, houses already done are done to someone else’s taste, rarely what I like. So I refuse to pay for someone else’s taste….stuck really between a rock and a hard place

Will we do it again? That depends if we’re still together by the time it’s done🤣🤣🤣🤣. I have a feeling I’ll never learn. . At least I’m in love with this house.

Op your garden isn't large so it's not gonna be that difficult to put in the order.
First declutter, then pull the weed out, now the grass, add some colour- maybe some nice colourful plants, or cushions.

You can create space for your dd- mid kitchen, sand box, water table, chalkboard, all those things are possible to diy.

I've got to be honest, my DH is allergic to DIY, and doesn't 'see the need' to buy anything for our home. Every single thing in it has been bought by me.

I learned early on that if I wanted shelves put up, lights changed, garden landscaped etc, I'd have to do it myself. I have done and we live in a beautiful home. If I waited for DH to do anything at all, we'd live in an utter crap house.

He's good in other ways, just useless around the house. I'd brush up on your own skills if you want to live somewhere fab and don't expect him to take it on just because he has a penis!

Firstly do you work,I mean have a job,I know kids are work but if you don’t and your husband is bringing the money in along with helping out,then really the home is largely your domain to deal with.
Not every bloke is good at or interested in diy, honest, my husband has no interest in gardening and no ability with diy .His idea of gardening is watching me do it whilst he has a beer and that’s fine,he works and I don’t. He will help me with stuff under instruction,I’m 55 and have fibromyalgia and arthritis but you’ve got to try and keep going,if I can I’m sure a young lady can.
There is a tendency for us ladies to impose stereotypes on men’s abilities, I have on occasion looked jealousy at one of my friends hubby’s handywork (he can do it all )but equally I’ve chastised her for expecting him to do the gardening,decorating etc whilst she works fewer hours than him. My mum did the decorating etc at home and so it never occurred to me that there was any reason I couldn’t.
Someone has already suggested your hubby look after the baby whilst you weed, go for it,get some sunshine you’ll be surprised how therapeutic it can be. You need to decide if youve enough money to get a handyman in for the stuff that you are unsure about. You’ve already tackled kitchen cupboards, looks like you maybe made the mistake of not keying ( lightly sanding) or priming before repainting, taking the extra time to properly prepare really makes a difference.
Its very easy when you see so many things in need of doing to feel completely overwhelmed by it,add having a baby to look after and of course you will feel stress , it’s clearly causing some resentment towards your partner but you need to get things in perspective. You have a family, a home, your priorities right now are your baby,who cares if the bloody kitchen cupboards are peeling. You don’t have to have it all perfect right away,things take time. Tell hubby ( gently) it’s bothering you and see if you can tackle it together, you’re a team and it sounds like he’s a team player,he just isn’t as bothered by it as you.
Take a trip to B & Q together, if you’re unsure about anything ask ,they’re pretty good there and then there’s always Google. Most importantly try to have fun along the way and don’t be afraid to try stuff or of completely ballsing it up. Over 30 years ago when we first set up home and were totally hard up I decided to lay the bathroom Lino myself,took great care,measured up properly and did template,it fit exactly but on the totally wrong side. We still laugh about it today.

Not fully knowing your situation, here’s my view

Firstly you need to take some ownership. If he won’t do the DIY, teach yourself how. Ive started to do this and it’s empowering!

sounds like you’ve got in a bit of a negative loop. You need to break this and inject some motivation in to things.

start with a vision. You need to know what you want before you can start to make changes. It won’t happen automatically.

start chipping away at things, and maybe seeing you doing things will spur your partner on too? Nothing worse than two demotivated people - that’s a recipe for nothing ever getting done!

remove the bird bath. Just do it yourself, don’t worry if it seems big and scary. The weeding is an afternoon task. Plant some small bushes alongside the wall so it’s even clearer to your DD/reduce falls risk. Put up some trellis against part of the fence and plant some thing to climb up it. Borrow a power hose to clean the slabs. Put some pots with flowers and herbs along the conservatory wall, get your DD to help you. Give her one as her own little flower garden.

Is this really about you thinking you should have stayed separated?
Look you don't need to stay with your DH if you're unhappy. But if this is really just about the house, then sit down and divide out the tasks together. Just because your friends' DHs like gardening and DIY, doesn't mean your DH has to do them too. My DH hates gardening. I enjoy it. So I garden. We split DIY. When I get bored with the house, I move furniture about, rearrange rooms. If you've fallen out of love with the house, it's possible to get that back. If you've fallen out of love with your DH, move out and don't come back this time.

I think you have a lot of potential there OP! Don't worry about the step, we have a step almost as high as that leading down into our kitchen! We also have an 18 year old and I spent time guiding him up and down the step, reminding him it was there etc, when he started walking but now he's so used to it that he flies up and down without a second thought! You could put a big outdoor rug there if you want to protect her from falling on the concrete but honestly she'll be fine!

We have an 18 month old I meant to say! Not an 18 year old!

If it is tied up in your general mindset about state of relationship is it worth thinking of what do I need to sell.
So work through room by room. Tidy. Get rid of clutter. Spruce up with paint eg your woodwork in lounge would look less dated white.
At end house will look much better. If you stay you enjoy it. If you split and sell it’s easier to sell.

It just needs some tlc, the garden looks a lovely space . Kitchen cupboards , get some good cupboard paint like v33 from b and q .. sand down , prime , re paint and varnish . New handles , they’ll look fantastic .