Manners are disappearing in society

[cobbledstone]

I'm heading towards my 6th decade, definitely not 'young' anymore.

I'm starting to notice that the young - those in their 20's, 30's - have much less regard for manners than my generation.

No thank you letters. Don't respond to invitations until last minute (if at all) and won't hesitate to cancel something via text just because it suits.

On their phone at the supermarket instead of acknowledging the cashier.

I'm in the middle of selling our house and it's amazed me just how many potential buyers in that age group have simply disappeared - with zero feedback, positive or negative. One buyer I gave up Sat and Sun for (so her partner could come to look) wasting time with my family and her feedback to the EA was, I was simply being nosey.

FFS!

AIBU? Are 20/30 somethings less concerned about other peoples feelings/commitments/time?

People have viewed houses they don't intend to buy for years, it's not a sudden new phenomenon linked to 20 somethings Estate agents are better at weeding them out than they used to be but it still happens.

Also estate agents are pushy. I remember going to view a house i knew i wouldn't buy because the estate agent insisted I had to view it and I would love it, and was being really awkward about setting up a viewing for the house i actually wanted to view until I agreed to it. I probably wouldn't agree now but in my 20s I was still in that trying to be polite to everyone phase so I agreed. So Ironically because I had better manners then.

I think you need to consider how quickly the world has changed. Growing up, the world around you (on the whole) would generally require only one full time worker to support a family, the other would focus on keeping the home, shopping and replying to correspondence.

In this day and age, both parties (generally) must work to make ends meet and as such are generally having to make use of productive time however possible. Shopping on the way home from work, scheduling plans in the 30 mins if free time after making dinner, packed lunches, bathing kids/ putting them to bed.

So yes, while things you are traditionally attributing to politeness may be changing, you also need to try and adapt to the world around you. Why does gratitude need to be printed in a card? Are the words not enough?

It sounds like your expectations on this generation are also not being considerate of their feelings, comittments or time. YABU

I find the opposite too. I think you are confusing etiquette with politeness @cobbledstone .

Genuine kindness and politeness is far more important than a thank you letter. Saying thank you for something at the time, or by text, would be far more usual than a thank you letter.

I am not at all a fan of etiquette, I find people that insist on it can hide lot of unpleasantness and bad feeling behind it.

House selling will always attract some loons of any age. Your EA should filter viewers more carefully.

I work with people a lot and I do tend to find the younger generation are more polite, and less grumpy (on the whole). I just don’t think people have the time for thank you letters etc. I’m a 35 year old single parent of 3 children, and I have a brain condition. I barely have time to sleep, let alone write letters.

I always say thank you though, and never let people down unless I have to. I think you may have just come across some rude people.

IMO checking your phone at the checkout isn’t a bad thing, someone may be responding to an important email/message or finishing some work. I don’t think the cashier will care as long as they are getting paid to do their jobs

I think these things are generally viewed through your own lens depending where you are in life, both politeness and rudeness span the different ages and has not increased

No, what’s considered good manners does change over time though. I would be really confused to receive a thank you letter for example, and have never sent one myself.

My great grandma thought addressing someone outside your immediate circle as anything other than Mrs or Mr ‘X’ was incredibly rude… few people would agree now 🤷‍♀️

All I'm getting from your original and subsequent follow up defensiveness is entitlement. No one owes you an explanation, it is not rude to not give feedback. If weekends don't work for you, say no. You are selling your home to make money, let's not act like it's a favour to anyone else.

Times have changed, it's your attitude that is stuck in the dark ages. You sound like you are in your 80s.

Not in general, but one thing I often notice is that the people who plonk themselves in the nearest disabled/elderly seats on the bus - when there are plenty of seats further back - are nearly always young, probably early 20s max. Plus of course glued to phones, so they either don’t notice - or pretend not to - anyone who could really do with those seats, getting on. Sitting on aisle seat with bag on the window seat, too.

I dare say someone will say ‘hidden disabilities’ but judging from the way the vast majority skip on and off the bus like mountain goats, I doubt that’s very often the case.

Some people are rude, some have impeccable manners. I always get my DD to hand write thank you letters for gifts from older relatives as they really seem to appreciate it (she moans about it no end) but in general she is a grateful girl who will thank people in person so I don't see a need for her to write notes to everyone. Manners in general can be hit and miss, I work in a public facing role and see upwards of 100 people a day, some are lovely - a lot are rude. But its subjective isn't it, something I may consider to be bad manners is just the norm to others. I find a lot of people less tolerant and patient recently but always try to remember it's not about me, it's whatever else is going on in their lives.

And yet most people I’ve come across who are rude in shops tend to be an older generation. Just a few days ago a man thought it was funny to be super rude to a young cashier and she nearly cried. It was 100% on him.

Theres rude people in every generation, good and bad. I do think the younger generation are getting better at setting boundaries and say no when they don’t want to do something) not be if people pleasers) and bloody well done to them. I think some people could see this as rude but honestly all I think is good for them.

I voted YABU because I’ve met people of all ages who don’t bother with manners. I honestly think some people delegate all manners and etiquette to their spouse.

But yes manners are important. I realised that I had bad manners in my 20s and had to work on it. It’s something to think about when raising my own children.

With regard to the feedback from potential buyers for your house, I think we may be suffering from feedback/review fatigue. I get annoyed when asked to provide constant feedback - I don’t mind ticking boxes but being asked to spend ages and justify my answers for basic transactions is frustrating.

In this case perhaps the lack of feedback is because they don’t want to be rude but don’t want to lie.

I think not sending thank you letters is super rude but unfortunately it's seemingly a common thing not to bother anymore as evidenced by various threads on here about wedding gifts. Doesn't seem to be age related.

I've also noticed loads of my friends in their 40s who, post covid, seem incapable of rsvping. It's really annoying and I've stopped trying to meet up with those people as much.

You wrote about potential buyers in the plural not providing feedback, though. If your complaint was simply about that one viewer and the feedback she did provide, you'd have written it very differently.

As for not seeing things from a different angle, that would be because you don't get to have your own facts. You spent time preparing the house for viewings for your benefit and yours only, and that's not a matter of opinion. There's no angle available that would make this not true.

It's sheer entitlement, dare I say it bad manners on your part, to imagine that people somehow owe you something for attempts you make to get them to pay as high a price for your asset as possible.

I think not sending thank you letters is super rude but unfortunately it's seemingly a common thing not to bother anymore as evidenced by various threads on here about wedding gifts. Doesn't seem to be age related.

Well that would be because it isn't just younger people who aren't using letters much any more. It's an increasingly outmoded form of communication, and so naturally people communicate via modern means such as What's App, texts etc instead, including older people who have understood and embraced the change in social norms. Written letters themselves displaced other previous forms of communication, this is the same thing.

I don't know, I've recently encountered a few young people (teens-mid 20s) who are into dumb phones.They are much more present and polite than some older people.
I've seen middle aged men (always men?) in their 40s or 50s staring at their phones at check outs. Then again I've also seen young people (& occasionally people over 25!!) making a prat out of themselves for tiktok and completely glued to and dependent on their phones. With no to little awareness of the world around them, and how to behave/ integrate into society.
I both agree and disagree. 😂

Well I interviewed for my current job with absolutely no intention of taking it. Just thought 'fuck it, might as well just do it just to see what it's about' and was brutal in my questioning because I wasn't going to take it.

And here I am, a year and a half in 😂

I'd say the younger generation are generally a lot more relaxed and genuine i.e younger work colleagues are very honest about their workload, thoughts on the place etc and it's refreshing. There's a lot less pretending and brown nosing.

Outside of work i'd say i've found the older generations to be quite rude and very rigid in how they think others should behave. Very stuck in their ways.

I find 50/60 something year olds generally snobbish, uptight and to have 0 concern about anyone around them.

Example:
Older people in supermarkets. They WILL push their cart to your 2 year old, and they WILL act like it’s your fault.
Men will NEVER let you out in front of them, regardless of you pushing a buggy, being heavily pregnant or just carrying groceries. Let’s not even mention giving up a seat anywhere because of course 50year old anyone in prime health trumps 30something pregnant woman.
Generally speaking this generation is horrid az the workplace too, not knowing work-life balance, forcing 20/30year olds to work overtime, meaningless “work from
office” policies (because technology aludes them, and they rather play golf than go home anyways”
They will also tell YOU that you have no manners and your generation is screwed up, where they are the ones who were raising your generation.

I find very little value in sweeping generalisations about anything tbh.

Social norms are different, the world is very different to when I was a kid. (Though, I’m in my 40s and have never written a thank you letter in my life either!) I would say thank you, then I would phone and say thank you. But these days we have text and mobiles and email and dozens of ways to say thank you that don’t require killing trees. So that’s what we do and what my kids do.
I think judging todays people by social norms of 40 years ago is pretty stupid tbh.

Literally every generation has said this about the generations below for centuries.

Every generation thinks the other generation has inferior practices. This isn't a new topic.

Things change for the better or worse and I wouldn't be making blanket statements about people of a certain age - whether younger or those in their 6th decade.

Sorry, I am older than you but think you need to understand how communication has moved on. Very few people write letters; texts, e-mails etc. are a totally acceptable way to say thank you and why are you not just letting your EAs do their job, I don’t understand why you are “giving up your weekend”. You sound like Victor Meldrew.

I don't even know who my bank manager is! When I was younger my BM knew me personally. I used to have face to facer meetings with him and ask him for overdrafts and loans, which he would always give to me along with a kind but firm reminder that I should be managing my money better. He was a bit of a father figure. Now it's all done by computer and the computer always says no.

Things are a lot more impersonal these days, it's inevitable that it's going to affect how we all relate to each other.

That said I did actually send thank you letters when I got married and didn't seem to mind doing those. Maybe it was because I'd just spoken to all of these people within a fortnight and it didn't feel like being made to write something personal to a stranger.

There is less need for connection and personal interaction in life's admin. It's just different but I can see how it might jar someone who remembers when it wasn't.