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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do people not make the effort with appearance anymore

544 replies

Scarletthoo2 · 15/05/2023 11:14

The last couple of months, I've noticed in restaurants, bars and social places that majority of women/young adults have replaced heels for trainers and dresses for jeans and dress pretty much causal when out socialising in bars or eating out. Is this the new norm? Why don't people make an effort anymore? Especially the younger generation. AIBU or is this a minority?

OP posts:
Fanofbrianbilston · 17/05/2023 07:41

Similar comments were made about young people in the 90’s when 80’s heels went out of fashion. Athleisure can be eye wateringly expensive, ‘dressing up’ is subjective.

Booklover40 · 17/05/2023 08:50

shadowchancesassy · 15/05/2023 14:13

I love watching these videos when they come up on insta. Feminine beauty wins.

Tbf I think a lot of people are staring because she looks ridiculous walking down Watford high street in that attire!

Mmpip · 17/05/2023 09:05

YABU Have you seen the state of the older generations feet who wore heels and absolutely crippled with pain now....

Beezknees · 17/05/2023 09:12

I hate heels. They hurt my feet and I look like a twat walking in them.

I'm so glad that women are pushing back against the societal pressures.

MooseBreath · 17/05/2023 09:15

I don't (often) wear makeup because unless I wear very expensive brands, I have an allergic reaction. I break out in both hives and acne, and my eyes get itchy and red.

I don't dye my hair because it requires expensive upkeep and the limited money I have, I am saving for a house deposit.

I don't get my nails done because it is expensive. I also bite my nails as a coping mechanism for my anxiety, so it's be a useless endeavour anyway.

I don't (often) wear dresses because they make me self conscious about how I am sitting or worry about a gust of wind.

I don't (often) wear heels because they are uncomfortable and impractical when chasing after my children.

If I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I am comfortable and in a good position to handle my day. If I am going out, I will try not to look scruffy, but there's only so much that can be done when I can't afford frequent haircuts and new clothes to fit a post-baby body.

Beezknees · 17/05/2023 09:17

iamturtle · 16/05/2023 20:29

I rather agree though many won't - and on a site designed for middle-aged mothers, most will probably disagree! A lot of it is laziness and possibly lack of money, many don't probably don't want to shower and change before going out so just wear whatever they wore all day. I think once you've had children it's very tempting to give up a bit and so make silly excuses like 'male gaze', even though it's extremely well documented that most men hate women teetering about in stilettos 😂. But think they don't want to acknowledge that they're getting older and frumpier, which is sad really - priorities change and that's ok, making themselves feel better by sneering at women who do still have the time and money to make an effort is a bit sad. Going out does feel a lot more special when people bother to dress nicely, else you may as well go to a sports bar for cheeseburgers. If it's any consolation, in better restaurants or areas where money's not an issue people still manage to put on clean shoes and a nice top at least so not everyone's given in to the frump!

Would say that heels are not necessary though, a clean pair of well made shoes is always fine whatever the style. Find it very weird people saying they don't see heels anymore though, where are they looking?! In London and Home Counties at least they're certainly as popular as ever, although many women now wear flats to commute and change at work... maybe these women who say they don't see them don't work, or don't live in a nice area?

What a load of waffle. I am not middle aged or frumpy, but I don't want to wear stuff that I feel uncomfortable in. Heels and tight dresses hurt and are uncomfortable.

Macinae · 17/05/2023 09:30

I wore heels for the first time in years recently for a wedding and I was in agony all day. Comfort is key and fashion has just moved on.

bridgetreilly · 17/05/2023 09:34

Because it makes them look and feel healthier, happier, more confident, more relaxed. Because they are people not eye candy. Because there are so many more important things to put effort into. Because women are fed up with double standards. Because real women don’t have to present in a sexualised or girly way, because they are secure in their sex and gender.

reesewithoutaspoon · 17/05/2023 09:52

The younger women I worked with went out in jeans trainers and tops. But those trainers and jeans were expensive ones. They got curly blow outs the day of going out, they got spray tans, nails done, eyelash extensions,brows done, spent hours doing full contour make up.
Just because they weren't wearing a dress and heels, doesn't mean they weren't making an effort, styles change and its great that they feel more comfortable and don't end the night freezing with sore feet

HAVELOCK · 17/05/2023 09:59

I’ll bet they’re not applying a fresh coat of lippy for their husbands coming home from work either! YABU

BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2023 10:15

@iamturtle what a load of tosh. I live in a nice area (what an insufferable snob that made you sound) and regularly go to London for work and leisure. In fact I was there yesterday for work and then dinner and drinks. I saw ONE woman in heels. One. And the reason I noticed her was because she stood out as really unusual and it made me think of this thread. As an aside I went into several shoe shops on Oxford Circus. I went into Kurt Geiger - a regular haunt of mine in my heel wearing days - and there was ONE display of heels, tucked in the back. Once the whole shop would’ve been awash with them. They are not “as popular as ever”.

I am wearing trainers for work today. You’ll be relieved to hear, no doubt, that I am wearing a dress (but a very casual shirt dress), full make up, hair done, matching accessories. I have made just as much effort for work as I have ever done. Putting in trainers requires just as much “effort” as a pair of brogues. It’s just that the style nowadays is more casual, more comfortable to wear, not necessarily lower effort.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 17/05/2023 10:20

And ? Comfort over anything else is great !!

SmashedApricot · 17/05/2023 10:37

reesewithoutaspoon · 15/05/2023 12:00

Socialising has changed. Gone are the days when you went to the pub/bar and if you wanted to go out later you had to go to a club. The clubs had dress codes to enter, so if you knew you were going for more than a local drink you had to do the whole dress/heels thing. Now most wine bars/bars are also open as late as clubs. It was normal for clubs to refuse entrance to people wearing trainers and jeans, not so much now. too much competition from bars open late.
Even 20 years ago the fashion was for jeans, and a going out top. over dresses etc,

Hit the nail on the head . Also guys had to wear a shirt and tie and jeans and trainers were not allowed . All this has gone now . I think that joggers have taken over from jeans . Well made ones look fine . They are easier and more practical. I noticed a lot of over 60s wear them .

SamW98 · 17/05/2023 11:03

Mmpip · 17/05/2023 09:05

YABU Have you seen the state of the older generations feet who wore heels and absolutely crippled with pain now....

Example my mum who grew up in the 60’s with feet crammed into pointy toed heels and now has arthritic feet that look like claws and has had to have the middle toe on each foot amputated.

But hey at least she looked like she was making an effort

Markovenchip · 17/05/2023 11:08

I see where you're coming from, each to their own in this day and age I guess, I was on a Cunard Cruise recently ,and the formal nights the requirement was to 'dress-up' to be allowed into the Restaurants, etc; the vast majority did (including myself, as I enjoy doing so), but there were a small number wearing plimsolls, trainers, sweatshirts, track-suit bottoms, they were let in !..........but back to the real world, I go for smart-casual look in the evening (chinos, slip-on loafers), but to me jeans and trainers are strictly daytime wear !

BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2023 11:19

A cruise is a very different kettle of fish than a normal night out down the pub though isn't it?

I very rarely wear jeans. I don't think people that wear them have made less effort though, I just think they've got a different style to me, or have a different day planned.

JazbayGrapes · 17/05/2023 11:43

A cruise is a very different kettle of fish than a normal night out down the pub though isn't it?

Exactly. Who wears a gown/dinner suit to a pub? And on a cruise - dressing up for formal evenings is the part of the experience.

JFM27 · 17/05/2023 11:57

Was i unusual i actually liked heels,im 4 11 maybe thats why ,i certainly didnt wear them for men.and to be honest though i wore them loads my feet are fine,i dont have bunions corns or any foot problems. Being a size 2 i always had to pay a fortune for them so maybe it wasnt wearing cheap shoes. I still wear chunky heels for meals out etc i need the height,lolthough wear trainers generally or maybe for casual drinks.but i dont like basic ugly ones my have to be a bit glam for melol

And trainers are not always comfy i emember trailing around Cambrige with a friend who hadnt broken in her new veja ones looking for plasters,she ended up buying a pair of flip flops,my supagras were fine though.

SamW98 · 17/05/2023 12:03

I absolutely love dressing up for a night out and doing my hair make up etc.

My winter wardrobe is usually a lovely top and leather look leggings with boots or a midi dress with coordinating trainers.

Summer Im all about pretty maxi dresses and flat sandals.

There’s a lot more to ‘Making an effort’ than heels and a LBD and aren’t we all happy that that expectation of dressing a certain way is left in the past

GettingStuffed · 17/05/2023 12:11

I was out in Manchester for a few days, there were quite a lot of women wearing heels. Not many dressed up u but quite a few dressed up

bringincrazyback · 17/05/2023 12:19

iamturtle · 16/05/2023 20:29

I rather agree though many won't - and on a site designed for middle-aged mothers, most will probably disagree! A lot of it is laziness and possibly lack of money, many don't probably don't want to shower and change before going out so just wear whatever they wore all day. I think once you've had children it's very tempting to give up a bit and so make silly excuses like 'male gaze', even though it's extremely well documented that most men hate women teetering about in stilettos 😂. But think they don't want to acknowledge that they're getting older and frumpier, which is sad really - priorities change and that's ok, making themselves feel better by sneering at women who do still have the time and money to make an effort is a bit sad. Going out does feel a lot more special when people bother to dress nicely, else you may as well go to a sports bar for cheeseburgers. If it's any consolation, in better restaurants or areas where money's not an issue people still manage to put on clean shoes and a nice top at least so not everyone's given in to the frump!

Would say that heels are not necessary though, a clean pair of well made shoes is always fine whatever the style. Find it very weird people saying they don't see heels anymore though, where are they looking?! In London and Home Counties at least they're certainly as popular as ever, although many women now wear flats to commute and change at work... maybe these women who say they don't see them don't work, or don't live in a nice area?

This pretty much sums up my own thoughts on the matter. I do think it's a pity people don't dress up any more and it's got nothing to do with the 'male gaze', I just like nice clothes. And (gasp!) heels, because I feel good in them, not for men.

People (male and female) seem to let themselves go at the earliest opportunity these days, often using the fact that they have kids as their reason/excuse. To me it speaks as a lack of pride in oneself

midgemadgemodge · 17/05/2023 13:14

"Let themselves go "
That's bollocks

I see it more as having very different priorities- I don't value "looking good" I see that as a function of lucky genes and wealth and a sign of a mind that needs to follow rules and conventions

I value - music , humour , intelligence , love

None of that require heels or make up

I am not letting myself go if I spend my time and money on learning something new or with my family and supporting my friends , rather than making myself look good

I am valuing myself against things I think important

Hobert · 17/05/2023 13:18

it's extremely well documented that most men hate women teetering about in stilettos

Where is this well documented? Sounds like utter bollocks to me considering that strippers still wear heels as do women in porn. Before any froths at me I am not suggesting women who wear heels are all strippers or like strippers just noting examples of women who are definitely dressing to please men. If men preferred a nice brogue or a ballet flat then that's what you'd see in strip clubs.

midgemadgemodge · 17/05/2023 13:20

Well that then says what men value physically or what they expect to see in a strip club

That is a rather narrow definition of what men might like to see with the women they want a fuller relationship with

It's not uncommon for a man to not want to see his wife in heels because he does t want others ogling his wife for example

Multi layered

Hobert · 17/05/2023 13:26

I wasn't really getting into what men do want (personally don't care) I was pointing out that saying most men hate heels is a really weird take.