Brother’s wedding help!

[WeddingDilemma2]

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

however you decide to manage this situation, the thing to keep in mind is that the bride and groom have control over these rules and are aware of the difficulties they are placing on a breastfeeding mother. Despite their protestations to the contrary, they can’t value your attendance at the wedding as much as they claim or they wouldn’t be putting you in this position.

I wouldn’t want to miss a siblings wedding and would make an effort to attend at least the ceremony and hopefully part of the reception, but you can only do what you can manage.

I can't believe people are suggesting the OP just gives her baby a bottle! Formula has risks, and expressing can be a nightmare. Breastfeeding rates are abysmal in the UK as it is without this sort of pressure.

You say you dont want to fall out but...

You cant attend in your circumstances.

So it's a simple decline. It's up to them how they react and how strongly they feel about it being childfree.

Your brother and his fiance are trying to eat their cake and have it too: They want a childfree wedding, located at the place you and the kids would stay if you attended, and they also will be offended if you don't come, but you can't bring your breastfeeding baby or have your breastfeeding baby stay at your parents' house so you can nurse periodically during the 12 hours you'll be busy.

Essentially you have two bad choices: either insist that your baby stay at your parents' house and you nurse periodically, or you don't come to the wedding.

You have said they'll be highly offended if you don't come, and also highly offended if your kids stay at your parents' house during the wedding as you'll be "dipping in and out".

In other words, they want to control whether you breastfeed your baby using the social pressure of being highly offended if you don't do what they dictate.

They are entitled to have a childfree wedding but they are not entitled to dictate that you will be present, nor are they entitled to make your life miserable by making it a massive issue in the family if you don't come.

This is not ok. It is controlling. They have two choices: either they make the wedding accessible to you as a mum, or you don't come. Those are their two choices.

I bet you when they have kids, they'll insist all of family life revolve around their kids.

Oh really! I'm pro breastfeeding and fed DD1 until she was over two and am still feeding DD2, and I don't think OP should express if she doesn't want to, but what "risks" does formula have!

I don't think I'd want to put dc that young through a 2 hour return journey (assuming dh took them to a park/soft play while you were at the ceremony) in order to spend an hour at the ceremony.

I don't think that the B&G have really thought it through. I'm assuming there will be relatives other than you and DPs there, so a bit different to it being virtually all friends/colleagues who may not know that you have young children. I imagine that you turning up solo and then leaving at the end of the ceremony is likely to cause all sorts of gossip discussion which probably won't be as positive towards the B&G as they would have expected.

If the big talking point of the wedding becomes how you made the effort to be there despite the B&G putting all those hurdles in your way, rather than the ambience of the event (or whatever they had hoped would be the talking point) then the fall out could last much longer than you just declining the invitation.

I think I'd just decline. Your presence clearly isn't that important. If your parents are likely to kick off just tell them (preferably with B&G there) that you all need to support the B&G in achieving their vision and there's not going to be any further discussion about it.

Seriously OP stop wracking (sp) your brain.

Your DB and SIL have requested no DC at their wedding, as with many weddings today, in the nicest way tell them that you respect their choice and in turn they both respect your choice that you can't come to their wedding as you really have no suitable child care.
They can't have it both ways.
The old chestnut of "but they're family it's your siblings wedding"
is always one sided.

Come a day if they decide to have DC of their own the boot will be on the other foot, only then will they understand.

As a PP stated it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to get to a wedding only to find other people's DC there, especially when they've excluded nephews/neices, family by the way, but again their choice..

I went to a child-free wedding once, except they explained that there would be just a few children present; their nieces and nephews, and they hoped other guests understood. Of course we did. Those little people were close family members. They didn't spoil the wedding, (as far as I know anyway 😃) I find it odd and selfish of your DB and his fiancé to exclude your children.

I don't think I'd want to put dc that young through a 2 hour return journey (assuming dh took them to a park/soft play while you were at the ceremony) in order to spend an hour at the ceremony

Assuming they are staying over, they will also get to see their grandparents the next day.

It sounds like db and sil to be don’t want the children in the house at all so no staying over.
It’s made harder by fact it’s in grandparents garden.
If reception was at nearby hotel then dh and children could be at grandma’s house (where presumably there are toys, high hair, garden to pay in) and Op could nip back as needed to feed. There’s always a lull so wouldn’t be missed if she popped back after meal before evening do etc.

@RightWhereYouLeftMe
Formula has been around since 1865, whereas human milk goes back as far as our history.

There are several benefits to breast milk over formula which is why it is advised up to a minimum of 6 months.

• The nutritional content of breast milk cannot be replicated in formula. It is far more complex and there is evidence to suggest that the components of breastmilk provided by the mother differ according to the stage of development of the baby and in response to interactions with the baby. (You can look up differences in mammalian milk composition according to stage of development - very pronounced in kangaroos as their young are so underdeveloped when born but the same principle exists for humans, not as drastic, but it is there).
• Immunoglobins are provided to the baby via the colostrum in human milk and continue to be secreted until the point where the baby’s immune system is more developed, this protects against many respiratory and digestive ailments etc.
• Breastmilk is essential to healthy colonisation of bacteria in the gutt (from the milk and skin of the mother) this can help to prevent the development of colon cancer in later life as well as allergies, asthma and other GI issues.
• Babies tend to become constipated on formula and it takes them a long time to break it down, this is because the proportions of the main protein components differ; in cows milk the proportion of casein to whey is 80:20, whereas in humans it is 40:60. There are very many other differences summarised here, with the crux of things being that on formula you can expect to see higher rates of obesity, diabetes allergies and deficits in cognitive and motor development (due to the differences in fat composition) Basically, cows milk is evolved for cows, human milk is evolved for humans. https://viva.org.uk/health/a-comparison-between-human-milk-and-cows-milk/
• Finally, breastfeeding has been shown to lower the risk of diabetes and breast and ovarian cancer in mothers - obviously beneficial for mother and offspring.

The OP is clearly trying to make this work, but some of the suggestions on here are really unworkable.

It is obvious that some posters have either never breastfed, or have never had problems expressing, or have always had childcare options, or are perfectly OK with leaving their children with complete strangers that they have never met before.

Basically, the no children under any circumstances rule means that the OP can't attend for the whole day, and the bride and groom will have to accept that and not have a tantrum about it.

Staying would require a hotel though as they can hardly be in a park/filling in time until the guests have left the wedding. Plus there will be the big clear up at the grandparents house the following day so not the best time for a visit with very small children.

If the B&G are there, then potentially they could be having a strop about why OP and DH didn't palm the dc off so that they could attend the entire event. Best avoid the whole event as it will probably cause the least damage in the long term.

Realisticly speaking once anyone says its a 'no children event' they are making the decision for anyone with DC to not attend....it's their own doing.

Same. I was 3 wks pp in a different (close) country and SIL said "hop on a plane".

Their wedding date was chosen 3 months after I announced my (very much a surprise to everyone in my family) - actually on my due date.

So I politely declined right from the start. Due to their reaction my mum tried to persuade them to move it back - which they did (mostly because of cost, my dd was a public holiday) - but only by 3 weeks. My DC arrived on 5he due date, so meh.

And? I am still salty that I couldn't go. Apparently it was a lot of fun. So if anyone mentions it to me? I (demonstrably because I'm invmcredibly petty) change the subject. SIL is still grumpy I wasn't there...

How nuts it's this statement.
Plenty of people are happy to leave kids with a babysitter and attend an adult only event

Why is it nuts?
Plenty maybe happy to leave their DC with a sitter.

But it's the "plenty" that don't want to that have had the decision made for them.

If you agree plenty will leave their kdis with a sitter, how can you also say "they are making the decision for anyone with DC to not attend....it's their own doing."

You can't have both

It’s more about the fact that the OP has a young baby, and one who is being breastfed. They’ve put OP in a really difficult position. If you had older children and/or weren’t breastfeeding it would be entirely different

Plenty of people are happy to leave kids with a babysitter and attend an adult only event

Yet even more people don't feel comfortable leaving their very young DC with a complete stranger that they have never met before.

The OP's in laws will be away on holiday, and the parents will be at the wedding. Not everyone has people they can rely on to look after their DC.

A wedding is very different with different expectations. Not attending your brothers wedding is a big deal.
If it was an invitation to a day at races with dh’s work Op would just decline and no one would give it a second thought.
Evening adult only event Op can decline or get her mum to babysit etc. If it was work awards night Baby could stay at hotel with DH and Op nip back up to feed.
In this case DB knows her parents aren’t available to babysit and it’s 12 hours not 2. They are not wanting baby near the reception making nipping out to feed difficult.

Because if ANYONE.. Not EVERYONE
that has DC want to go and are happy to leave them they can go..

If ANYONE...not EVERYONE
that has DC can't get a sitter/doesnt want to leave DC with a sitter they can't go...so won't be attending due to the fact that it's been stipulated that DC are not invited.

I formula fed dc and I wouldn’t have been happy with leaving a 5 month old for 12 hours. At a push maybe with my mum or mil, neither of whom are available to Op. And I’m pretty laid back. I don’t think Op unusual in not wanting to leave a small baby.

Don't know if this has been suggested but could the toddler stay with grandparents that aren't attending or other in-laws and the baby stays in the house with childminder?

The in laws will be away. The OP mentioned this in her update @cannaecookrisotto