Brother’s wedding help!

[WeddingDilemma2]

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

it's not that it's unpopular it's just you keep going on and on and on and on (an infinitum) at any poster who suggests it might be difficult for OP, or they may just not want to. You also don't have to keep responding (and responding and responding and responding ad infinitum) to make a point.

that's before we even get into the tragedy top trumps about who had a better/worse/easier/harder reason to breastfeed/ not breastfeed/ continue breastfeeding/ stop breastfeeding.

Hopefully OP can wade through you completely clogging up her post with your own personal stories to get through to the helpful posts to help her decide what to do (which as best as I can tell is not leave her 5 month old baby for 12 hours, and very reasonable she is too!)

If ceremony is in a public venue eg church then the couple can’t dictate its child free at all.
Dh could push the 2 children in a pram around graveyard etc for the duration of the ceremony.

That's my point entirely – the stress of having to pump for a one-off glorified party in a back garden just isn't worth it.

My DP is in remission, thank you.

I just wouldn't go to the wedding. Let them explain to their friends that the groom's sister isn't there because she's got a baby and they don't like babies.

The in laws will be away. The OP doesn't want to leave her DC with a stranger, understandably.

See my above comment @Clementinesucks

Option 1

You go to wedding ceremony alone leaving DH with both children. 1 hour travel each way plus 1 hour for ceremony and quick hello to everyone. At 5 months 3-4 hours separation would be ok for me (my boobs) and my children. Both children with their father and no need for the expense or hassle of getting a sitter.

Option 2

Leave DC1 with sitter. Drop DH and DC2 at cafe or park near to your parents house. Attend ceremony alone then meet up with DH and baby to feed (you and baby) before travelling home. Less time away from baby but more travelling time for baby so would depend what DC2 was like in the car. Would allow more time at the wedding.

Option 3

As above but DH and DC2 stay hidden in your parents house. Depending on the set up this may not work if guests also have access to the house.

I would be very open (if asked) about why I was there alone and not able to stay for the reception. I would be upset at my brother and parents for not being more understanding or accommodating.

I agree with that.
Whatever Op does - goes alone to ceremony, doesn’t go at all etc it’s not reflecting well on her brother. He’s putting his parents in an awkward position too.
Groom is banning close blood relatives from his wedding (niece/nephew) and by doing that is stopping his sister attending or attending full thing.
Assuming normal family, couple of siblings who usually get on it’s very odd behaviour and would invite comment from other relatives. I’d definitely think less of the groom.

No way I'd go to this much hassle and upset my young children to indulge someone's dickhead wedding pretensions 🤷‍♀️

Agree with other posters saying you shouldn’t have to leave your 5 month old breast fed baby for a wedding. I thought many child free weddings allowed babies in arms. You absolutely shouldn’t risk the breastfeeding for the sake of their wedding - that’s totally unfair for them to expect that. And what happens if your baby just doesn’t want to take a bottle? Mine refused point blank every type of bottle going.

Every couple that I know who had a militantly child-free wedding, causing ructions in their own families have invariably turned into the only guests who throw an absolute tantrum because their precious offspring aren't invited to subsequent child-free weddings.

I had children at my wedding, so it's not something I could relate to, however a sibling didn't come because the long journey from abroad with two toddlers was both massively expensive and horrendous logistically. And that's before dealing with two jet-lagged babies while also having jet lag yourself!

Anyway, just don't go. You can't. You have a breastfed baby and you live too far away to attend the whole day. And if they throw a tantrum, fuck them.

I hate the fact that these days, family weddings have been altered. Babies, toddlers, children are part of your family and friends and should not be excluded so you can have a perfect insta wedding.

However, this is the new way of the world so fine, have your child free wedding but DO NOT moan when people with kids can't make it.

Thinking about it some more

Option 4

Dont go, spend the day with my husband and both children, save myself the hassle.

I think going to the ceremony only sends more of a message. It shows OP wants to celebrate her sibling's wedding and is there for the actual vows.

This sounds like a tough situation OP.

Have you spoken to your brother one on one about this so he fully understands why it's difficult?

Of course they are entitled to have a child free wedding, they aren't entitled to get shitty with you if you don't go when it sounds like you've tried to think of multiple ways to attend.

I think it makes it harder that the venue is at your parents house as I feel the lines are slightly blurred then.

I'm making the assumption they don't have kids of their own?
Any child free wedding I've been to, the Bride and Groom have always been a bit naive about what the realities of leaving/feeding babies is actually like.

I really don’t understand the choosing a marquee in garden for reception and children ban.
If it was black tie formal dinner in 5 star hotel at 8pm then it’s a little easier to see where couple coming from. They are wanting a certain style.
Surely a garden based party is by its nature relaxed and informal. It’s perfect it’s at grandmas so that toddler/baby can go inside if they’ve had enough or need a nap.

I think the only answer is a lightly infused creme brulee prepared in the garden

Yanbu.I can't believe how strict they are being with own dn's!
I can't see your toddler being impressed with his or her beloved family being in the garden and they are forced to stay inside,your sitter will have their hands full with them let alone a baby.
If it's not a long journey I'd just go to the service then go home to your dh and dc.
Good luck.🌈

Leave DC1 with sitter. Drop DH and DC2 at cafe or park near to your parents house. Attend ceremony alone then meet up with DH and baby to feed (you and baby) before travelling home. Less time away from baby but more travelling time for baby so would depend what DC2 was like in the car. Would allow more time at the wedding.

Or take both kids, leave with husband & have a day/afternoon out after attending just ceremony?

I’d go to ceremony only (either leave both children at home with dh or all go and dh and children wait elsewhere minimising time apart for feed reasons)
Then Op can’t be criticised for missing wedding and it makes clear why she wasn’t there for full thing. Let couple face repercussions of their decision.
It could be hot day so I wouldn’t want to do anything that might jeapordise baby eg if baby won’t take bottle or risk won’t take bottle if unsettled.

Ridiculous. Child free weddings are so annoying. I wouldn't go in your position OP. Taking the logistics of the breastfed baby out of the equation, which is reason enough not to go imo, it's really mean for the toddler to be in the house watching all the fun and not being allowed out, I'd never do that to my child. I'd just opt out instead if my children weren't welcome.

My sentiments exactly!

She wasn't.

In your shoes, OP, I wouldn't be bending myself out of shape, starving my baby (mine refused bottles entirely) or giving myself engorgement or mastitis to attend this wedding.

You've suggested reasonable alternatives and they've been rejected, so you've really been left with no alternative.

In response to a point upthread, it IS as easy as just saying 'no'. If the bride and groom decide to get into a strop about it, then that, too, is 'their choice' (as MN are fond of saying on wedding threads) and entirely down to them.

People can host weddings on their own terms. They seem to forget that would-be guests can accept and decline invitations on those same terms, too.

'Their choice'.

I have been on these boards for years. And it will never stop shocking me that people would exclude their young nephews and nieces from a wedding.

No it’s not her only solution. She can also decline to attend. If you choose to have a child free wedding then you also accept that people may not come to the wedding.