Brother’s wedding help!

[WeddingDilemma2]

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

I wouldn’t go. Who bans nieces and nephews from their wedding? It’s awful. My brother got married recently and had all nieces attend and no other children. I wouldn’t go if my brother cared so little about my children.

Did you really just type that? She should start introducing her baby to bottles ahead of her schedule because of a wedding? Seriously?

It is selfish to insist on a child free wedding and then get upset when people can’t make it especially when you have close family members and friends who have small kids.

I agree @MargotBamborough but as I said before, how big is the family? How many neices and nephews on both sides and cousins children etc?

I’m not defending them, I absolutely think they should have the family members there. But trying to understand why they have made the decision they have.

This comment taken as the kick in the guts it was intended as after disclosures of a nervous breakdown and a potentially dying DH. Thanks again @Robinni , your capability of empathy is obviously superior to both myself and @Inkpotlover .

I would disagree with this having seen several weddings in my family cause feuds and similar for friends; it stirs up a hornets nest.

Why do people keep saying this? They may very well not want, or ever have any children of their ow n.

I agree.

I explained above.

They are focusing their wedding planning on things which really couldn't matter less, and not on what is actually important, such as their family.

The best outcome here (other than them realising they are being completely unreasonable) is that the OP and her husband go to an extraordinary amount of effort to accommodate the whims of this childish couple, probably upsetting their two very small children in the process, and then in a couple of years' time when the bride and groom have a baby themselves, they say, "Sorry about that, I don't know what we were thinking."

Can't your in-laws or someone else look after the toddler elsewhere and babysitter have baby in the house?

If you have a feud with your friends over something like this, that's a shame, but you can make other friends.

Not the same with family.

Thanks. I agree the OP is having a hard time, I don’t think she’s being unreasonable at all (I’m of the mind her brother and SIL are being unreasonable!). I think she may have to tell her DB her possible solutions and he will have to make a choice. I think she may end up just attending the ceremony - which is a shame.

Your only solution is you attend your brother's wedding and your husband stays home with the children.

Isn't it amazing that dads can breastfeed now? 🙃

Don’t you have babysitters in the UK?

@Inkpotlover Do you know what I really don’t want to get into a competition over who’s relative matters more here.

I am presuming that because you and @MollyRover were under severe stress when trying to pump this will have severely thwarted your efforts - just as my milk dried up when my parent died. Whom I was caring for and very involved with.

I’m very sorry that your DH got cancer, am hoping for your sake that he survived and all is now well.

And for you @MollyRover I’m sure the stress you encountered when you decided to return to work very early was great.

I think it’s been aptly demonstrated by all of us that stress greatly impacts pumping success.

I hope your lives are in a better place now.

You never heard of expressing your milk?

I didn't decide @Robinni . You see how that works? Not everyone has the same experience, choice or privilege as everyone else. My condolences on the loss of your parent but no, I don't think it's more or less traumatic than what I or @Inkpotlover experienced. My milk didn't "dry up", by the way, I just would have been damned if I was expected to be away from my baby more than was absolutely necessary for me to keep a roof over our heads, certainly not at the behest of my own brother.

@MargotBamborough you’ve misunderstood; I’ve seen family members of mine and those of friends fall out as so and so from the family couldn’t come, or didn’t do X…. Weddings are funny things, can really heighten emotions.

I was completely unable to express, and both babies were total bottle refusers anyway.

So if baby can’t be apart from mum for more than a few hours, and B and G don’t want baby on the premises, OP cannot attend.

The only thing I am not clear on is how long OP would be away from baby if she just went for the service (the actual wedding)

Even Royal weddings aren't child-free. I find people who organise child-free weddings pretentious and they clearly don't care about their guests, so why should the guests care about them? I find it shocking that a nephews can't be at a wedding that will be happening at the grandparents house.

You never heard of reading the thread?

@Lindjam in her update OP has clarified that she lives an hour away, so it should be possible to go solely for the ceremony.

So it’s ok for them to basically say without expecting any fallout, we don’t like our niece and nephew - and frankly we don’t like you enough either, to bother trying to come to a reasonable compromise so you can attend…

Leaving a toddler with a stranger for 12 hours in daytime is a big ask.
You’d need him to get used to babysitter first.
Obviously if he’s in nursery then a member of staff may babysit on the side but it will be expensive.
I don’t know anyone who would just leave their 2 year old with someone they had never met before.
If Op is leaving toddler at home I’d leave him with dad (as all 4 grandparents are unavailable)