Brother’s wedding help!

[WeddingDilemma2]

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

5 months EBF is still ‘babe in arms’ who usually go to child free weddings. As you say, OP, it’s not about expressing then leaving - it’s about the discomfort if you’re not feeding your baby for 12 hours - and the inappropriateness of expecting a separation that long. I think 3-4 hours was ok from what I remember of that stage.

We went to a similar length wedding as your DB’s when DC2 was 4 months old. He was in the sling most of the time.

I’m astounded that with this venue choice they’re not inviting both your DC but really shocked they won’t accommodate your baby.

Or perhaps there are 30-50 kids amongst the wedding guests under the age of 10 and if they invite one they have to invite all.

I would not have wanted two primary school classes at my wedding. We had one three year old and a few pregnant women. That was it, as we were one of the first to get married.
These aren't random friends. Even the most hardcore childfree weddings I've been at have included the couple's own nieces and nephews.

Get a baby sitter to care for your baby in the house. Pop in only when necessary ie breast feeding etc. The couple won't know where you are after the wedding breakfast anyway.

Even child free weddings usually make exception for breastfed babies or nieces/nephews.
Having them there doesn’t mean they have to have bus loads of children.

Allowing your niece and nephew, one of whom is five months old and breastfed, to be present in their grandparents' house which you are using for your party instead of paying for a venue like most people does not mean you have to invite 30-50 kids to your wedding. But if you deem someone's presence essential, such as your SISTER, for example, it's not good form to exclude their small babies.

@Robinni I think you're forgetting that the parents of these hypothetical 30-50 other kids have the option to just RSVP "sorry we can't make it" without causing a big family feud.

It depends on toilet’s situation. If guests are using house bathrooms then it will be hard to keep baby hidden. What I suspect bride won’t like is auntie going to loo then seeing baby for a bit, then going back and telling auntie 2 baby awake who pops out to house and so on.

I am really at a loss at your brother and future SIL... and I had a child free wedding! However, I certainly included babes in arms and ended up having the odd child when the parents had a tricky set up (single parent who was travelling a long way for instance). It's ridiculous that you can't have your baby and the toddler in the house.

Perhaps it was a mistake to ask if the toddler could briefly attend (although I think that would be fine too, clearly they want all the attention)... but you can backtrack from that and say you realise that you shouldn't have asked this, but you do need to have at least the baby in the house or you can't come.

@MollyRover I have already apologised for any perceived slight, and am very sorry you had a difficult experience with pumping.

My experience amongst peers was that they were pumping a comparable amount in a similar amount of time, and actually a lot of them were producing more which made me feel upset so I do understand how you feel - it is not a competition, we all do our best.

I have given an account of my experience and have fully acknowledged several times that others may differ.

But we shouldn’t try and pressure people into pumping or not pumping due to personal experiences…. OP has more than enough anecdotes to assess whether it is an option for her at any point.

But we shouldn’t try and pressure people into pumping or not pumping due to personal experiences

Even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day.

Some people don't like kids [shrug] so why would they want children at their wedding?

This was me and my (now ex) husband. Yes, that extended to children in the family regardless of age or how they were fed. We wanted a child free wedding because we just don't really like the company of children and as it was our wedding...well, we got to call the shots.
It caused a lot of whinging within my family as my mother whipped up my siblings to demand that they could bring their children or they weren't coming. I said no, no children. They said we're not coming. I said fine. Cue more whinging....honestly, it overshadowed the whole day because my mother and siblings could not respect my decision.

Or they might just be worried that you'll bring your kids into the reception anyway, counting on them not saying anything so as to not cause a scene.

That is exactly what happened at my 'childfree' wedding at a very small child-unfriendly venue - a friend's fiance brought their 2 year old in despite despite friend getting his mum to travel to the wedding's location to babysit and givinh her own hotel room to stay in. He was mortified, I annoyed, but obviously said nothing.

Missed OPs second post as it hadn’t loaded on my screen (no need to be a snarky ass about it xx)

WTAF?

YANBU. It’s very inflexible of DB and SIL. I don’t understand it tbh although I know it’s relatively common. Wait til they have kids themselves. They’ll likely look back and cringe

WTAF? How on earth can anyone be so dense as to assume that a childfree wedding = divorce; and that this couple aren't marrying because they love each other, and want to spend the rest of their lives with each other...which is why most people marry FFS.

Apologies @ChairFloorWall, maybe it was a bit snarky. Just really feel for the OP being attacked over everything from wanting her toddler to overshadow the bride to not giving her 5 month old a bottle to not trusting her ILs.

I hate child-free weddings, it's so mean spirited. When they want a childfree wedding and you can't use your usual babysitters, that's just twatty.

In your shoes, I'd leave kids with DH at home, go to the wedding for a few hours then duck out. You can't leave a BF baby that long and they won't let you bring your baby, so no dice.

I can assure you both @MollyRover and @Inkpotlover that bereavement of a first degree family member is more traumatic than having difficulties expressing milk.

Having a child free event is their prerogative. Expecting a fully child free venue and not being happy with guests managing the situation by disappearing occasionally is dreadful, selfish behaviour.

I totally agree @rookiemere

Sure, it would be selfish not to let DB and SIL not have the day they want. It's one day, the biggest day of their lives so far I would assume. The other option for the OP is not to go - which considering its close family may also be seen as selfish. Family life isn't just about the OP and her DC. Sometimes you need to make a little effort

Nor is family life all about a wedding, which is just one day @DrySherry. The couple here are being very self-absorbed and selfish. I get the impression from your posts that you don't like children very much and know very little about babies, particularly breastfed babies.

I also don't think a wedding is just about the couple getting married. They are the hosts of a party, and as hosts they need to be considerate towards their guests. By all means have it child free, but they need to understand that some guests can't attend, and not behave like six year olds when they can't get their own way.

The OP is trying her utmost to make it work and the couple are trying their utmost to make it difficult by not meeting her half way.

I would be interested to know what the parents think.

Not when you're having to express to feed your three-month-old because her dad, your DP, has just been diagnosed with cancer.

With your update OP, I'd just go solo to the ceremony only.

I had a no local children thing for ours to cut down costs, but when it was explained to me that a BF baby couldn't be left for the day, the invite was changed to include him.

I wonder if there’s been any research if child free weddings are more likely to result in divorce.
My own observation is fancier/more expensive wedding = more likely to result in divorce but that’s not backed by research.

If they don't want the baby to stay in the house, then the only option really is to just go to the ceremony (by yourself) and then leave.
I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to leave your baby for that long, regardless of how they're fed. It's not how I felt, but I don't think it's remotely unreasonable of you.

This isn't at a venue childfree or otherwise, it is in the children's grandparents' garden.