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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
DrySherry · 15/05/2023 11:58

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 11:44

But they can't have the day they want without forcing the OP to leave her toddler and young baby with a babysitter for 12 hours.

What they want isn't reasonable. And I don't care if it is their wedding day. To everyone else it's just a party they have to pay a lot of money to attend.

Show quote history

Let the enjoy the limelight just for a day. If the OP really doesn't want to make use of the alternatives on offer - then she can choose not to go. Nobody's forcing anything on her. It's really more important to let the couple have the day they want. I would agree on your point about it just being an expensive party for many of the guests but in this case when it's DB and SIL I think a little effort to get baby to accept occasional bottle feeds is appropriate.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/05/2023 11:58

A few bottles of expressed milk for your husband to feed the baby whilst you attend the wedding. I think that's the only option other than for you not to attend at all. It's you brother so you go.

I don't understand posters who bang on about weddings needing to have children attend and it's 'weird if they don't'. No, it's not weird. A wedding isn't starting a family, it's the legal binding of two people.

I also don't understand the poster(s) telling OP to keep asking brother and sister-in-law to be for solutions. One after the other. As soon as one is exhausted, they are to be asked for another. No. It's for OP to find a solution and make the decision to attend or not to.

Newyearnewmeow · 15/05/2023 12:00

I wouldn’t go and tough if he doesn’t like it.
I know people say to respect the couples desire to have no kids at their wedding but these are their own nephews/nieces and they know it’s causing you problems.
Bloody awful attitude from them.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 12:01

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 11:14

@Robinni nice that you've toned down your posts, it would have been good to just leave it at the three options in the first place. Great that something worked for you, but still find it hard to believe that you think (having breastfed) that what worked for you will be the solution for everyone.

The OP asked if she WBU, I think it's very clear that she is NBU.

@MollyRover What is wrong with sharing a positive experience?!

Pumping was a good option for me to attend an important event with friends. And later proved to be useful when I had unexpected illness and then returned to work.

The moment I even mentioned expressing people flew off the handle.

It’s an option and OP can try if she wishes. It might or might not work out, everyone is different.

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 12:02

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 11:56

You're the one ranting at everyone about how you can fill a bag in 20 minutes and how it's so easy. I pumped for another 6 months after dropping my 3 month old off at the creche while i had no choice but to return to work full time, having a full on nervous breakdown in the process. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Show quote history

Agreed. I love being reminded of the pain of pumping and how miserable both my baby and I were when I was also forced to switch to a bottle when my DP was long-time hospitalised with a life-threatening illness and then how upsetting it was when she wouldn't go back on the boob.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 15/05/2023 12:02

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/05/2023 11:29

Fine for friends, but if you are close with your siblings wouldn't you want to be there?

If options are scarce, I know my dh would want to facilitate me being at my siblings wedding so he would be insisting I go alone and he stay with the dc. Even if that meant trying expressed milk etc.

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Yes, I did want to be there, which is why we'd booked accommodation we couldn't really afford and were prepared to do the long journey with young kids, to get there. We stretched ourselves to make it work and were making it work. The only thing that stopped us was not having anyone to care for our fully breastfed baby (and no, I couldn't express and baby didn't take a bottle). Sometimes wanting to be there isn't enough. There's always things I want to do that I can't because of caring responsibilities that come first.

TheOrigRights · 15/05/2023 12:03

With DS1 I was back at work before he was 5 months old.
There would have been no way I would have been happy to find MORE childcare and sort out expressing etc for a day.

And it's not up to the B&G to suggest I might enjoy time away from my children.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 12:04

If Op’s family is small and usually close and everyone together for Easter, Christmas, Granny’s 60th birthday etc then a party in garden without children there is definitely odd. It wouldn’t occur to me that anyone would ban their niece and nephew from a party in granny’s garden.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 12:04

DrySherry · 15/05/2023 11:58

Let the enjoy the limelight just for a day. If the OP really doesn't want to make use of the alternatives on offer - then she can choose not to go. Nobody's forcing anything on her. It's really more important to let the couple have the day they want. I would agree on your point about it just being an expensive party for many of the guests but in this case when it's DB and SIL I think a little effort to get baby to accept occasional bottle feeds is appropriate.

Show quote history

You think it's reasonable for an a toddler and baby to suffer so that two grown up babies get exactly what they want?

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 12:05

DrySherry · 15/05/2023 11:58

Let the enjoy the limelight just for a day. If the OP really doesn't want to make use of the alternatives on offer - then she can choose not to go. Nobody's forcing anything on her. It's really more important to let the couple have the day they want. I would agree on your point about it just being an expensive party for many of the guests but in this case when it's DB and SIL I think a little effort to get baby to accept occasional bottle feeds is appropriate.

Show quote history

Except they are forcing it on her. OP's already said that her not going at all would cause a massive fallout, yet the best alternative - having the kids in the house and dipping in and out – isn't satisfactory either. But DB and SIL can't have it all ways! No mum who is happily EBF should be forced to give her baby a bottle just to accommodate someone's wedding.

Brefugee · 15/05/2023 12:05

PerryMenno · 15/05/2023 02:33

You've come up with 2 compromises, plus there's the third option of not going. Put those 3 options to the couple and ask them to choose which one they hate the least.

That's what I'd do.

Iwasafool · 15/05/2023 12:06

Don't go, they'll get over it. I didn't go to my siblings wedding for various reasons, they made their choices which was fine but they had to accept that I could make my choices and I did.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/05/2023 12:07

They are being ridiculous. You've tried to compromise. I wouldn't bother going.

They will look back and cringe when they have kids of their own.

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/05/2023 12:07

PainfulAnkles · 15/05/2023 06:01

  1. someone from your husband’s side of family will babysit.
  2. you stay with the kids, at home, and your husband go and celebrate and congradulate the happy couple

See! It’s not that hard op, but it does sound like you just wanted to get your way….🤔

It’s her brother, though!

Iwasafool · 15/05/2023 12:09

TheOrigRights · 15/05/2023 12:03

With DS1 I was back at work before he was 5 months old.
There would have been no way I would have been happy to find MORE childcare and sort out expressing etc for a day.

And it's not up to the B&G to suggest I might enjoy time away from my children.

I always hate the suggestion that you might enjoy child free time. If I wanted childfree time when mine were small I'd arrange childfree time, I didn't need someone else making the suggestion as if they are doing me some massive favour.

CoffeeYes · 15/05/2023 12:09

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 11:21

Thanks very much for all the responses! A real variety of opinions and perspectives and potential options and lots to think about.

A few thoughts:

For the baby- I think the bottom line is that if we are going to attend the full 12 hours (this was the length of day plus travel time to clarify- we are an hour away so not an enormous distance but a little too far to 'pop back') then I am not going to be comfortable leaving the 5 month old for this length of time offsite. Reading through the responses has made me think that this is above all a factor of her age- so would be the same regardless of feeding methods/PIL availability to babysit etc.- although the breastfeeding will obviously make things much harder. So if she can't be onsite then options would then be limited to attending part of the wedding only (ie just ceremony or just evening) or not at all.

My feeling is that if these were the choices, my DB/SIL would probably think having the baby onsite and us attending (rather than not coming at all) was the least bad option even if they aren't happy about it.(Reading between the lines I think they just think I am being OTT and should just be expressing milk and leaving etc- but I dont think my position is unreasonable for a 5 month old?) However I agree with PP who thought we should put it to them and ask them to pick which option they hate the least. If we couldn't go at all we'd be disappointed, but after all it is just a day so I am prepared to suck it up (and not be in the pictures!)

For the toddler- some of you pointed out that DB and SIL may be worried about him 'escaping' into the reception (possibly aided and abetted by relatives!) particularly after we asked if he could attend. I can see this perspective when it comes to a more mobile and opinionated toddler versus a baby (and can see that asking was possibly a mistake) so perhaps best to try to find someone to look after him separately at our home as some PP suggested (which may mean leaving a bit early but not end of the world). PIL would be ideal but are away- however we have more options with him.

Thank you again for the responses- it's clearly not a hugely straightforward situation so it has been very helpful :)

Please talk to your parents about this. Tell them you’ll struggle to be away from your exclusively breast fed baby for an all day event. Physically and mentally. They’ve agreed to allow your brother and his demanding fiancé to have their wedding reception at their home for free/cheap. They should have the right to tell brother and fiancé that they want their grandchildren to attend.

Tell brother it’s either all of you attend or none of you because you’ll struggle with childcare (especially with a breast fed baby).

I get the impression that your future SIL is jealous of you and your young dc. I’m guessing her friends and siblings don’t have young children?

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 12:10

Robinni · 15/05/2023 12:01

@MollyRover What is wrong with sharing a positive experience?!

Pumping was a good option for me to attend an important event with friends. And later proved to be useful when I had unexpected illness and then returned to work.

The moment I even mentioned expressing people flew off the handle.

It’s an option and OP can try if she wishes. It might or might not work out, everyone is different.

Show quote history

You didn't mention expressing though, you suggested the OP is BU unless she expresses. And you didn't share a positive experience, you refuse to accept that just because it was your experience that it might be a different experience to others. Who tf would rather be hooked up to a pump than just feed their baby? Who tf thinks expressing milk is a positive experience?? Great to have a stash for a break but expressing milk is an unpleasant means to an end for most of us.

It's still only a party (thrown by the OPs DParents in fact!), and it wouldn't be a good enough reason for a lot of people to go to the hassle just because the bride and groom demand it.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 12:13

I really don’t understand the limelight thing.
A wedding goes on for hours. There’s only so much doesn’t she look lovely and aren’t the flowers pretty chat.
The house and garden will take the ‘limelight’ - people complimenting mother of groom on her roses/conservatory/wallpaper in downstairs loo.
It’s what people do at weddings they make small talk.

Nosleepforthismum · 15/05/2023 12:14

Split the kids. Toddler stays home with a babysitter. Explain to B&G that baby is bf and won’t take a bottle so need them nearby for feeds so you think best solution will be to have them with a second babysitter in your parents house. Say you understand if they don’t want that but you won’t be able to attend otherwise.

I can see why you feel a little peeved though, sounds like a right faff.

Dymaxion · 15/05/2023 12:15

How would your Brother feel if you just attended the wedding bit, so the actual ceremony @WeddingDilemma2 ? that seems to fulfil all the criteria, they get the child free wedding and child free knees up in your parents garden and you get to be at the actual wedding, in photos and drop gift off. It would work unless you are expected to play an active role in the after ceremony bit ?

Robinni · 15/05/2023 12:15

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 11:38

I reckon chances are fairly high this marriage won't work out anyway, simply because they are approaching their wedding as though they are planning the coolest party ever and don't want anyone's baby cramping their style, rather than promising to have and to hold each other until death us do part and form a new family together.

@MargotBamborough what on earth?!
Or perhaps there are 30-50 kids amongst the wedding guests under the age of 10 and if they invite one they have to invite all.

I would not have wanted two primary school classes at my wedding. We had one three year old and a few pregnant women. That was it, as we were one of the first to get married.

For other friends getting married later, they didn’t invite out DC or other friends DC because it would have been absolute pandemonium and the parents wouldn’t have been able to enjoy themselves either.

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 12:16

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 12:13

I really don’t understand the limelight thing.
A wedding goes on for hours. There’s only so much doesn’t she look lovely and aren’t the flowers pretty chat.
The house and garden will take the ‘limelight’ - people complimenting mother of groom on her roses/conservatory/wallpaper in downstairs loo.
It’s what people do at weddings they make small talk.

I know, right? We paid a fortune on an hour's entertainment just so guests would be occupied for a bit and we could get a breather. You're dragged in all directions on your wedding day, they won't even notice the baby.

Iwasafool · 15/05/2023 12:16

Nosleepforthismum · 15/05/2023 12:14

Split the kids. Toddler stays home with a babysitter. Explain to B&G that baby is bf and won’t take a bottle so need them nearby for feeds so you think best solution will be to have them with a second babysitter in your parents house. Say you understand if they don’t want that but you won’t be able to attend otherwise.

I can see why you feel a little peeved though, sounds like a right faff.

What an expensive day, 2 babysitters doing 12 hrs, presents, travel, something to wear. Lots of families with mum maybe on ML couldn't possibly afford it.

Iwasafool · 15/05/2023 12:19

Robinni · 15/05/2023 12:15

@MargotBamborough what on earth?!
Or perhaps there are 30-50 kids amongst the wedding guests under the age of 10 and if they invite one they have to invite all.

I would not have wanted two primary school classes at my wedding. We had one three year old and a few pregnant women. That was it, as we were one of the first to get married.

For other friends getting married later, they didn’t invite out DC or other friends DC because it would have been absolute pandemonium and the parents wouldn’t have been able to enjoy themselves either.

Show quote history

How do people cope not being able to enjoy themselves for 18 years unless they can leave their child with someone else? I have 4, well spaced, so it would have been nearly 40 years for me. Funnily enough I often managed to enjoy myself with my children.

DilemmaDelilah · 15/05/2023 12:19

@SleepingStandingUp what a very rude response! My sister made no complaints at all - it was only at the reception, and the baby was only 6 weeks old so - in my opinion - it was only natural for some people to express an interest. I would have preferred my sister and her husband to have received all the attention but it wasn't a biggie either way. I was just pointing out that having a young baby can attract some attention which the OP's SIL may (note MAY) prefer being directed to herself and her new husband.