Brother’s wedding help!

[WeddingDilemma2]

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

I reckon chances are fairly high this marriage won't work out anyway, simply because they are approaching their wedding as though they are planning the coolest party ever and don't want anyone's baby cramping their style, rather than promising to have and to hold each other until death us do part and form a new family together.

It is selfish to have a completely child free wedding when you know your sibling has a child so young. My DN was the same age at our wedding and I couldn't imagine expecting SIL to fuck about with pumps and bottles when she had struggled so much to successfully breastfeed or leave her still very tiny child with someone for an entire day. I personally wouldn't go at all OP, he can't expect family loyalty from you when he has shown no loyalty himself.

My son got married a few months ago. In order for my niece to come with her husband they had to bring their toddler. They had to fly here. One set of grandparents were at the wedding. One set live abroad.
So it was a question of whether they wanted Janet and John at the wedding and if so toddler would be there.
They agreed that was the case. And ended up with a few toddlers at the wedding. The bride was not overshadowed.
And kept me as a happy new mil. If I were ops parents I would make my feelings clear to whoever. Whatever my feelings. My house my rules!
As for a toddler being in granny's house with a marquee and a party...what toddler would agree to that?

Sure, it would be selfish not to let DB and SIL not have the day they want. It's one day, the biggest day of their lives so far I would assume. The other option for the OP is not to go - which considering its close family may also be seen as selfish. Family life isn't just about the OP and her DC. Sometimes you need to make a little effort ;)

I’m the same. I do understand the MN mantra of “their wedding , their choice”, but it really is not practical, considerate to many people who’d love to attend to celebrate that couples nuptials with them. It ends up with guest being narked, put out, spending a fortune that they resent on childcare, or declining. Why would anyone want to make their friends and family feel like that? I’d be embarrassed to think my guest weren’t happy, chilled, minimal burden of expenses and arrangements to attend etc.

and these are probably the same generation with their mantra of “be kind “. It isn’t kind. It is selfish but someone people have drunk the cool asi that you can be incredibly selfish on your wedding day becuase “it’s My day” . Have those people ever thought about what their elaborate day would be like with no guest actually there? It’s your guests, not just you, and not the venue or photos that make your day special.

I would , if it had been common at all in days when I had younger kids, simply not attended out of point of principle .

But this is her own brother. To not attend is difficult for both of them. My brother couldn’t attend my wedding, years ago now, he had very legit reason, but I still remember the feeling of missing him on the day.

Having a child free event is their prerogative.

Expecting a fully child free venue and not being happy with guests managing the situation by disappearing occasionally is dreadful, selfish behaviour.

The ceremony can’t legally be in granny’s back garden so any objections about children being there in case they disrupt ceremony don’t apply.

Totally agree @eggandonionIf I were OP's parents I would be telling them that DGCs are always welcome and if they don't like it, pay for a venue!

I think you’ve been unreasonable asking for the toddler to attend for any part when they’ve been really clear about their wishes.

But they can't have the day they want without forcing the OP to leave her toddler and young baby with a babysitter for 12 hours.

What they want isn't reasonable. And I don't care if it is their wedding day. To everyone else it's just a party they have to pay a lot of money to attend.

🙄🤦‍♀️

By little effort you mean OP should ditch her happy and settled breast feeding routine with her five month old baby for the sake of a glorified party in someone's back garden. Fuck that.

@MollyRover @WhereYouLeftIt Im really not having a laugh. That was my experience of pumping from 4-9 months.

And there were lots of women at various baby classes doing way more with oversupply, like cows… I actually felt quite inadequate at the time, but reading everyone’s experiences here realise I must have been doing quite well. Apologies if anyone thought I was having a dig or being insensitive. I was trying to inspire confidence in OP and give her a positive story.

I’m sorry if you had a difficult experience but I actually really loved doing it to get a few hours to myself, to attend my girls trip and to prep for going back to work.

@NotMyDayJob no not obsessed with expressing at all, I just mentioned it and clearly is unpopular with a lot of people as I’m now having to respond to them and clarify/explain my experience.

So many judgey people here - maybe the bride and groom don't want children. Maybe one or both of them are infertile. Maybe the bride's best friend is her bridesmaid, and she's infertile. There are so many potential reasons why a child-free wedding has been orchestrated. It's not down to us or the OP to agree with whether that is the best kind of wedding - it's the bride and groom who have made that choice.

OP - thinking outside the box, would any of your parents' neighbours be willing to babysit (for a fee)? Gone are the days of parents inviting their friends to their children's weddings, so they might know some people on the street who might be up for it. Maybe a sympathetic retired couple whose kids have grown up?

I'm obviously not advocating leaving your children with a complete randomer, but if you haven't already, it could be worth sounding out your parents to see if they know of anyone local who might be suitable and open to a conversation. They could have some pals who they quite like, but don't know the bride and groom, and as such, haven't been invited.

And @DrySherry I think most of what you said in that post could be flipped round and levelled at the bride and groom here.

Family life isn't about making it really difficult for your sister to attend your wedding or forcing your baby nieces and nephews to be cared for by people they may not be comfortable with just so you can have a fabulous party on ONE DAY.

Marriage IS supposed to be about family. It's not supposed to be about ONE DAY.

If the groom cared about family he wouldn't put his sister in this position.

They can have a child free wedding if they want, but as a close member of the family with two very young children, they need to understand you are trying to make this work reasonably. Of course the easiest solution is for the children to be in the grandparents’ house. If the toddler appears for a short time and the bride and groom kick off as though the wedding is ruined would be entirely ridiculous - just like if a guest turned up to a child free wedding with a child because their last minute childcare fell through - not ideal, but you graciously deal with it and accommodate. Not absolutely everything can go their way, just because it’s their day so they can behave badly. If they care more about the “risk” of your child showing up briefly than you attending at all, I just wouldn’t bother.

Reading between the lines I think they just think I am being OTT and should just be expressing milk and leaving etc- but I dont think my position is unreasonable for a 5 month old?)

YANBU at all. Both my children were FF and I wouldn't have left either of them for 12 hours, to attend an event that was an hour away, at 5mo. I'm sure plenty of people do, and that's fine but you are the parent here and if you're not comfortable with it then no one has the right to pressure you.

@Inkpotlover @MollyRover

No agenda.

I breast fed until 9 months, after which point I went back to work continued to pump. Then had a major bereavement which made my supply dry up so I couldn’t continue as I wanted. Thanks for reminding me of that.

And utterly ridiculous if they think they can request you pump and leave the baby. Remind them of this request when they have theirs.

Also, why does everyone assume the reason for a child free wedding is so the bride is not overshadowed? I had a child free wedding and it definitely wasn’t because I wanted to be a princess for a day (I found the whole thing massively cringe inducing actually and didn’t even wear a traditional wedding dress).

My reasons for a child free wedding were:

• I didn’t know most the guest’s children so was no more inclined to invite them than someone else I don’t know.
• I don’t enjoy the company of children. I prefer adult conversations where I can express my political/social opinions without a raised eyebrow from parents.
• I wanted parents to stay an enjoy themselves for the band in the evening, which they did as they had overnight childcare. If they’d brought their children they would have all sloped off at 6pm.

I did make exceptions for family children, which was one nephew and niece. I just arranged the seating plan strategically.

Anyone who couldn’t attend, for any reason, I was totally fine with. They still got cake and photos - even the ones who cancelled the day before. No pressure from our side at all and everyone seemed fine with it.

It’s putting granny in awkward position too. They are generously donating their garden for a marquee with all disruption that entails. I’d be so embarrassed as granny to ask friend up road if she’d mind baby and toddler as they weren’t invited. Parent’s friends could well be intending to go to church to watch even if not officially invited.

You're the one ranting at everyone about how you can fill a bag in 20 minutes and how it's so easy. I pumped for another 6 months after dropping my 3 month old off at the creche while i had no choice but to return to work full time, having a full on nervous breakdown in the process. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

I am not particularly happy with the fact that I will be dead within the next 20 years, but as I am not immortal I have reconciled to the fact it is going to happen.

Square peg and round holes. Your DB/SIL are going to have to accept that what they want is not deliverable. Instead, let them choose - kid at wedding for a couple of hours or you go off for a couple of hours.

Only a Greek God and Goddess would have the power to make the impossible happen and somehow your DB/SIL are far from that I suspect.

If you are only 1 hour away I'd drive with both DC, your DH can take them to a park nearby while you attend the ceremony and drive back home afterwards. Wouldn't you do something like this if you had a doctor's appointment an hour away from home?

It’s not random children though it’s his niece and nephew who he’s closely related to.