Brother’s wedding help!

[WeddingDilemma2]

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

Anyone who wants a child free wedding shouldn’t be surprised or upset when family/friends with children don’t attend. I have never been to a wedding that was child free - too many children in our family!

If they’re not happy with the children even being at the house, by far the simplest thing is not to go.

Presumably they don’t have kids yet so they don’t get the issue with leaving such a small baby behind at home.

When you tell them you can’t go they can either willingly agree to compromise on kids at the house - in which case it’s their decision and you can’t be blamed for it; or else they just agree for you not to attend.

The only solution (and it might not work for your baby) is expressed milk in a bottle.

Both of mine would have been fine like this for several hours although I would have had to express a few times for comfort.

But I appreciate not all bf babies will take a bottle

Otherwise its either the solution you have already proposed to DB/SIL or you can't go.

You can't leave a 5 month old baby without a source of food.

DB/SIL are being U by expecting you to go but not wanting you to be able to feed your baby.

Thanks very much for all the responses! A real variety of opinions and perspectives and potential options and lots to think about.

A few thoughts:

For the baby- I think the bottom line is that if we are going to attend the full 12 hours (this was the length of day plus travel time to clarify- we are an hour away so not an enormous distance but a little too far to 'pop back') then I am not going to be comfortable leaving the 5 month old for this length of time offsite. Reading through the responses has made me think that this is above all a factor of her age- so would be the same regardless of feeding methods/PIL availability to babysit etc.- although the breastfeeding will obviously make things much harder. So if she can't be onsite then options would then be limited to attending part of the wedding only (ie just ceremony or just evening) or not at all.

My feeling is that if these were the choices, my DB/SIL would probably think having the baby onsite and us attending (rather than not coming at all) was the least bad option even if they aren't happy about it.(Reading between the lines I think they just think I am being OTT and should just be expressing milk and leaving etc- but I dont think my position is unreasonable for a 5 month old?) However I agree with PP who thought we should put it to them and ask them to pick which option they hate the least. If we couldn't go at all we'd be disappointed, but after all it is just a day so I am prepared to suck it up (and not be in the pictures!)

For the toddler- some of you pointed out that DB and SIL may be worried about him 'escaping' into the reception (possibly aided and abetted by relatives!) particularly after we asked if he could attend. I can see this perspective when it comes to a more mobile and opinionated toddler versus a baby (and can see that asking was possibly a mistake) so perhaps best to try to find someone to look after him separately at our home as some PP suggested (which may mean leaving a bit early but not end of the world). PIL would be ideal but are away- however we have more options with him.

Thank you again for the responses- it's clearly not a hugely straightforward situation so it has been very helpful :)

Reading between the lines I think they just think I am being OTT and should just be expressing milk and leaving etc- but I dont think my position is unreasonable for a 5 month old?)

Of course it’s not. I assume they don’t have kids yet?

I'm not sure putting the options to the bride and groom is the way I go. I tried to do similar and it didn't go down well. The next time I encountered this I just said, "Sorry, can't come."

It seems to me that you have plenty of time to introduce baby to bottle, either expressed or formula. One feed a day with a bottle over two or three weeks is usually enough to persuade them to take either easily. It wouldn't do any harm imo to miss a day of breast assuming you take the time to make the transition - and if you don't want to use formula we are only talking about expressing enough for maybe 3 feeds for you to go and enjoy the day. Not difficult.
I wonder if what really bugs you is that you don't want DB and SIL to have all the attention. It's just one day, don't be selfish.

It's not at all unreasonable.

Would you consider having DH’s family mind your toddler for the day (even at your own house) and have a babysitter at your parents house for the baby allowing you to pump for some feeds and pop in to feed too?

I know it’s not ideal but would allow your toddler to have a fun day and not be upset if they can see you all in the garden.

Good luck getting sorted.
Honestly when they look back when they have a baby they will cringe. Your parents are out as babysitters as they are at wedding, the other grandparents are away on hols. Your baby is breastfed. You really sound like you are trying your best.

She says they are away on holiday so no grandparents are available for babysitting.

You're not OTT at all OP. It's not even about bottle or breastfeeding, I get it, it's about leaving your 5 month old for an extended period of time. If someone has the support to do it then that's great but I wouldn't either.

Don't leave us hanging OP, ask the bride and groom what they think and let us know. I hope that they see sense and that everyone will have a lovely day to look forward to.

They have told you explicitly that they want a child free wedding, and it doesn’t really matter that half of Mumsnet thinks they are aligning themselves with Beelzebub for doing so. The fact remains that they do not want kids at their wedding. In your shoes I’d either not go, or just go to the ceremony alone and leave after. By choosing to impose conditions that they know will limit your engagement, they will be ready to accept the consequences of those conditions.

i would have a serious talk with your brother on his own. Tell him you understand his desire for a child free wedding, but your normal baby sitters will be at the wedding! You also can’t leave a five month old baby that’s being breastfed. So the choices are you bring a baby sitter to your parents and dip in and out, or you can’t come, which would he prefer. Put the decision in his hands. Then you can clearly tell others why you can’t come if he chooses the latter. You offered a compromise.

then wait, cos in a few years time when they have a five month old breastfed baby and get invited to a child free wedding you may just get an apology

Fine for friends, but if you are close with your siblings wouldn't you want to be there?

If options are scarce, I know my dh would want to facilitate me being at my siblings wedding so he would be insisting I go alone and he stay with the dc. Even if that meant trying expressed milk etc.

Eh?

You think the OP is being selfish but it wouldn't be selfish of the bride and groom to expect the OP to dedicate hours and hours over several weeks to getting the baby to take a bottle and building up a big enough stash of milk so a five month old can be left with someone else for 12 hours, which may be very distressing for the five month old, just so they don't have to compromise one iota or have any attention diverted away from them on their "one day"?

That seems entirely reasonable to not express for DC2 considering a shocking experience first time round.

I wouldn’t condone anyone putting themselves or their baby through that, although fair play to your determination. I think there are times we can admit defeat.

What’s important to underline here is that is not everyone’s experience.

For me baby fussed with avent and then medela bottles, we switched to mam and hey presto, within a couple of weeks was taking from the bottle ok. Trying to express before 4 months was a bit disastrous, but once I got the hang of it, it was fine.

Just would hate for people to feel options are closed to them due to others difficult experiences, or some sort of breastfeeding shame party…

I’ll admit I don’t understand the child free wedding when it’s your niece/nephew. If you want all attention on you then surely everyone saying where’s baby and toddler etc is taking attention away.
Particularly when reception in granny’s back garden so all the usual excuses about venue suitability and limited numbers don’t apply.

i think this is the most sensible way forward

Some people don't like kids [shrug] so why would they want children at their wedding?

Well it's hardly sensible when DHs family aren't available (as already outlined).

I can't get beyond someone not wanting their own sister and their family at his wedding.
If my brother thought so little of me then buggered if I would bust a gut accommodating them.
I'm so pleased my family welcome all children at weddings and no one has ever been in this situation.

YABU for trying to blur their boundaries - seems like you’re finding ways for your children to attend by stealth.

They would unreasonable if they got the huff if you withdrew. Of course it’s difficult for you to attend a child free wedding when you have a 5 month old and a toddler, and of course it’s fine for you not to go.

Please stop with the ‘just for a little while’ and ‘popping in and out’ compromises. Saying no to all these variations on a theme would massively stress me out as the bride or groom.

When couples choose a child free event, it is often because they have seen children disrupt such events. They have seen how family manage or fail to manage their children in group social settings. These decisions are not usually made in a vacuum.

I wasn’t breastfeeding at 5 months but wouldn’t have wanted to leave my baby 12 hours.
It’s an hour each way Op says so compromise is probably children stay home with DH and she’s gone 3 or 4 hours. Drive to ceremony, watch them marry and leave.
Or all 4 go and DH takes children to park/soft play while ceremony happens and Op just attends that.