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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/05/2023 10:59

Clementinesucks · 15/05/2023 10:57

Surely you can find care for your toddler? Then you can say, “we can find care for X but Y will be five months and is breastfed. She either comes with me or I stay home.”

Why surely?

Sounds like a long day & possibly a Saturday!

knobheeeeed · 15/05/2023 10:59

I wouldn't go but I have no patience for anything like that these days.
They want a childfree wedding. Fair enough.
But you have children, one of whom is being breastfed, and you've come up with a couple of solutions but they aren't happy with those either.
So you can't go. That's it.
People can have childfree weddings if they want but they shouldn't then be surprised/offended when some people are unable to go if they have babies and small children.

toucaninjapan · 15/05/2023 10:59

Can't understand all these suggestions to pump - what if OP can't?
I had enough milk to feed twins, but I couldn't pump. Once I spent 30 min extracting 30 ml from one full breast and I just gave up afterwards on pumping as that was a waste of time.

Personally I wouldn't go to the wedding in the given circumstances, however I would be interested to hear what brother could possibly suggest as a solution.

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 11:00

Robinni · 15/05/2023 10:54

@Inkpotlover

It was a suggestion.

Obviously if OP cannot pump easily or the baby doesn’t take to bottle it is a no go.

A suggestion to try - if she wants to - because if it works out it would make things much easier for her.

It’s not the work Christmas do…. It’s her brother’s wedding.

It’s not to facilitate the event but to facilitate her being able to attend and enjoy it properly and celebrate with him and the rest of the family.

If she doesn’t want to express that is completely fine, just an idea like all the others here.

Show quote history

You keep saying it's a suggestion but it really is coming across like you have an agenda, and I'm not the only poster picking up on it. Is it guilt driven, because you weren't able to breast feed longterm? Or do you work for Aptamil?!

Ultimately you are suggesting OP changes her and her baby's happy and settled breast feeding regime for a one-off glorified party where neither of her children are welcome. No bloody way would I do that if I were her! I had to introduce a bottle before I was ready for reasons out of my control and my baby wouldn't take to the breast again and I was devastated. Why should OP risk that happening when her DB and SIL-to-be are being so unaccommodating?

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 11:01

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 11:00

You keep saying it's a suggestion but it really is coming across like you have an agenda, and I'm not the only poster picking up on it. Is it guilt driven, because you weren't able to breast feed longterm? Or do you work for Aptamil?!

Ultimately you are suggesting OP changes her and her baby's happy and settled breast feeding regime for a one-off glorified party where neither of her children are welcome. No bloody way would I do that if I were her! I had to introduce a bottle before I was ready for reasons out of my control and my baby wouldn't take to the breast again and I was devastated. Why should OP risk that happening when her DB and SIL-to-be are being so unaccommodating?

Show quote history

I'd say Medela or Avent to be fair. Or maybe a childcare company?

Moveoverdarlin · 15/05/2023 11:04

I think the ‘No children’ rule is fine at weddings, aside from immediate family. I didn’t have kids at my wedding apart from nieces and nephews. A) because they’re close family and B) because everyone that could look after the children will be at the wedding.

Realistically you can’t get a babysitter for a breastfed 5 month old baby. I wouldn’t have left my baby with anyone apart from my Mum.

I think you need to have a chat and say ‘it’s gonna be a real struggle for us to come, if we don’t bring the children.’

It’s ideal the wedding is at your parents house, you can pop in and out and take turns to have some time out from the wedding. Your parents are being generous by hosting. Your SIL should be more gracious and offer the invitation to her host’s grandchildren.

neverbeenskiing · 15/05/2023 11:04

Surely you can find care for your toddler?

It's not that easy to find someone willing to take care of a toddler for 12+ hours, especially if all OP's family are going to be at the wedding!

StuffyHuffyPuffy · 15/05/2023 11:05

It's the reality of having kids. I'd not bother trying to do the acrobatics. Your DB has to compromise or not have you there. You not being there will likely upset your parents, which will likely result in the compromise coming after you have told DB you won't be attending. Then it's up to you whether you go or not.

My DB is getting married this summer too. Culturally, it's unacceptable to expect people with children to attend child-free weddings. Weddings are planned so that kids have their place (there's a thing about fertility embedded in it all). OP's DB can what he wants, but he should also be prepared for other consequences that could also taint the day. A cousin of mine experienced this. Many family members had to back out (for many reasons but also, it was on a school day), nobody mentions the day out of respect for my cousin who felt the day was marred.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 11:05

I agree with everyone saying put the ball back in your brother's court.

"DB, we've been thinking a lot about this and we genuinely aren't sure what you want us to do with our two small children for the duration of your child free wedding.

Obviously we don't want to miss your wedding, but we are now responsible for the health, safety and welfare of two tiny humans, and in the case of the tinier one, its sole food source. We don't get to just turn off those responsibilities for 12 hours so we can go to a child free wedding.

As far as I can see, these are the available options:

  • Our children are invited to the wedding.
  • Our children remain inside the house with a babysitter, I pop in and out to feed, and DH takes DS to soft play for a couple of hours so he doesn't feel too upset about being left out and clamour to be allowed outside where he can see all his family having fun.
  • None of us come to the wedding.

It's not practical for us to leave our children elsewhere with someone they aren't used to for 12 hours. Even if we did this for DS, which would probably distress him, it wouldn't work for my breastfed baby, or for my boobs, for that matter.

If there's a solution we have somehow missed which respects (a) your wish for our children to be completely out of sight and out of mind for the whole of your wedding, (b) your wish for DH and I to be fully present for the whole of your wedding and not popping in and out, and (c) our children's welfare, then please tell us what it is.

If you can't think of anything and we can't think of anything, then either you will have to compromise on the child free aspect of your wedding, or we will be unable to come. If your decision is that we should not come then we will respect that, but we do not want any family drama as a result.

Let us know what you decide you want us to do."

Lachimolala · 15/05/2023 11:06

I must admit I love and much prefer a child free wedding, not family kids though. I couldn’t think of anything more bizarre than banning nieces and nephews.

I’m confused what your brother thinks is going to happen here? You have a 5 month old BF baby. Of course they’ll need to be close by, I wouldn’t even ask him anymore. I would just organise things with your parents and keep checking in with the babysitter on the day/night.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 11:08

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 10:15

@Robinni I did outline that it had been said, and that I wasn't sure if you were the previous poster.

In any case, the OPs breastfeeding journey shouldn't be dictated by something as frivolous as a wedding. I say this as someone who had a partially child free wedding, babes in arms and children of those who had to make an overnight journey were the exception. There's no way I'd leave my 5 month old (breastfeeding or not) with anyone other than my DH and my siblings wouldn't even ask let alone demand it.

@MollyRover
I 100% agree, her breastfeeding journey should be dictated by herself. She has three options all within her control.

  1. Don’t go, continue bf as normal.
  2. Get toddler minded elsewhere and negotiate having baby on-site at the house or nearby location for bf, swapping back and forth with husband, with potentially someone else present as well to help.
  3. Have children minded at home by husband or another trusted person and leave enough milk to cover a few feeds for baby following advance preparation.

She would need to judge for herself what the fallout would be if she doesn’t attend and the longterm consequences of that for her, DH and kids.

Hoping option 2 works out for her tbh.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 15/05/2023 11:09

EllandRd · 15/05/2023 02:26

Respect your brothers wishes, it's his wedding, he should not have to worry about childcare's issues when it's been made very clear it's a child free wedding.

And yet brother and family will be upsets if OP declines to attend due to her baby. Insisting on a child free wedding when you have close family members and friends with young kids is ridiculous and you should be ready to accept that some people will not be able to come.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 11:11

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 10:15

Forget the feeds for a moment.

Have you given any consideration to how the OP's baby and toddler might feel being left with someone they aren't used to for 12 hours?

Show quote history

@MargotBamborough

See my previous posts, suggested they be left with the husband, and that he or any alternative person practice feeding the baby with breast milk bottle twice a week for 8 wks prior to ensure baby is not distressed. That is what we did and there were no issues.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 11:11

Robinni · 15/05/2023 11:08

@MollyRover
I 100% agree, her breastfeeding journey should be dictated by herself. She has three options all within her control.

  1. Don’t go, continue bf as normal.
  2. Get toddler minded elsewhere and negotiate having baby on-site at the house or nearby location for bf, swapping back and forth with husband, with potentially someone else present as well to help.
  3. Have children minded at home by husband or another trusted person and leave enough milk to cover a few feeds for baby following advance preparation.

She would need to judge for herself what the fallout would be if she doesn’t attend and the longterm consequences of that for her, DH and kids.

Hoping option 2 works out for her tbh.

Show quote history

The option which requires the OP to organise and pay for several babysitters?

I wonder whether the groom will offer to pay for that from the money he's saved by getting a free wedding venue.

Catspyjamas17 · 15/05/2023 11:11

My solution would be that the babysitter takes the kids out for part of the ceremony to tire out the toddler- but obviously not too long as you will need to BF the baby. Then they will presumably be in bed by about 7pm so the evening should be fine anyway. Not going I guess isn't really an option with close family!

Some couples seem to deliberately set out to make things hard for their guests though. I mean, your own sister, it shouldn't be that hard, really. In a year's time they may likely have a baby themselves and I'd bet any money they will request every assistance at weddings and if they have any empathy at all, be embarrassed that they made it hard for you.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 15/05/2023 11:12

PainfulAnkles · 15/05/2023 06:01

  1. someone from your husband’s side of family will babysit.
  2. you stay with the kids, at home, and your husband go and celebrate and congradulate the happy couple

See! It’s not that hard op, but it does sound like you just wanted to get your way….🤔

Yeah so easy Einstein. So her husband goes to celebrate brothers wedding for her, they might as well both decline then, and she already said if she declines the family will be unhappy.

Do you know where her DH family live or the situation with them?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/05/2023 11:12

Toddler stays with dh family, babysitter cares for the baby inside the parents house so OP and her dh can attend as guests and OP can nip into the house to breastfeed.

TheSoapyFrog · 15/05/2023 11:14

Although I can see why your solution sounds like the perfect one, I agree with PP who say that it is inevitable the children will end up at the wedding at some point.
A toddler isn't going to be happy cooped up inside all day, especially knowing that their family is outside and they're missing out on the fun. I wouldn't be surprised if they managed to escape while the babysitter was seeing to the baby.
Or the baby might cry a lot and people outside will hear. You might be distracting to others keep popping in and out to tend to the baby. People might want to leave and go in and see the baby...
I doubt either of you would truly be able to relax and enjoy yourselves.

In your situation, I really wouldn't go. When people organise childfree weddings, they know that there is a risk of those with children not attending. And if having a child free wedding is more important to him than having you there, so be it.

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 11:14

@Robinni nice that you've toned down your posts, it would have been good to just leave it at the three options in the first place. Great that something worked for you, but still find it hard to believe that you think (having breastfed) that what worked for you will be the solution for everyone.

The OP asked if she WBU, I think it's very clear that she is NBU.

Wenfy · 15/05/2023 11:15

This is such a non-issue. Baby is 5 mths old not 5 weeks. I have breastfed both my dc until 4 years old & also sent them to nursery during the day. You just express. If you can’t produce a lot of milk in one go, start now and freeze everything you express after feeds everyday - by the wedding you will have enough for the day.

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 11:16

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/05/2023 11:12

Toddler stays with dh family, babysitter cares for the baby inside the parents house so OP and her dh can attend as guests and OP can nip into the house to breastfeed.

Bride and groom apparently not happy with childcare being facilitated inside the house while wedding is going on outside...

Angelil · 15/05/2023 11:16

Is your husband really that bothered about attending? It’s your brother’s wedding after all, not his immediate family. Can he not stay home with the toddler and you take the breastfed baby to the wedding?

if your brother and SIL2B won’t even accept you bringing a breastfed baby then I think reluctantly you will all have to decline. Have a fun day out as a family of 4 instead.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 11:18

Good point about timings of day.
If it’s a late ceremony elsewhere then by time they are back at marquee it might be bedtime for toddler anyway.
I went to my brothers wedding and meal then left before speeches/evening party due to my ill health. I was very stressed in run up. Dh didn’t want me to go (I had tracheostomy in and was a long way from a hospital) My brother was understanding but my mum really wanted me there. If you are only a small family it’s very awkward if you miss siblings wedding. I felt going for part was a good compromise. Children were welcome though!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/05/2023 11:18

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 11:16

Bride and groom apparently not happy with childcare being facilitated inside the house while wedding is going on outside...

Show quote history

Yes but this is when it included the toddler. Which I'm suggesting doesn't happen and the toddler goes to an alternative childcare (eg dh family).

Robinni · 15/05/2023 11:18

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 10:16

Big whoop? Seriously?!

It's great that bottle feeding worked for you, but your comments on this thread are bordering on mummy shaming the OP and anyone else who didn't or couldn't go down that route.

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Absolutely not @Inkpotlover 100% in support of mothers no matter what they choose to do.

The way some people are going on is like OP is attending a wedding in Australia, will be gone several weeks and can’t possibly pump out the gallons of milk required… it’s 2-3 feeds, 12hrs.

If she wants to continue bf as normal that is totally fine. But if she wants to express it is not always a horror show and could help her. Admittedly, sometimes it doesn’t work out for Mum or baby, but it’s not horrendous for all and a lot of women do it when they want to go to work, attend events etc.