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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/05/2023 10:44

Your babe-in-arms attends with you - that's non-negotiable.

Your toddler - would there be any possibility of being cared for by your husband's family? And for the day spent with them to be sold to the toddler as a massive treat? Because no way will they be able to sit placidly inside the house with a babysitter and not want to go see what's happening outside!

What do your parents think of their grandchildren being banned from their house? Do they have a say in this? Or is your brother the Golden Child and your parents take the 'whatever Nigel wants, Nigel gets' line?

I agree with what others have suggested, lay out the options you are prepared to go with - including 'Not Attending At All' - and your brother can pick the option he can go with. Put the ball in his court. If he wants to lay down rules without thinking it through, he gets to be the one responsible for the consequences.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 10:44

Devil’s advocate but if ceremony is in a church it’s open to public and you could all attend. They certainly can’t guarantee it’s child free. Post says just reception is in the marquee.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/05/2023 10:44

I'd pop in for the ceremony with your dh keeping the dc busy outside and then head home. What other option is there with a breastfed baby? Clearly a breastfed baby can't be left, so what else could you tealis

Stompythedinosaur · 15/05/2023 10:44

*realistically do?

DappledThings · 15/05/2023 10:45

Oh man…. @Tandora …. months …. Are you for real.
Well yes. When I wanted to do all this for DC1 so I could go to a hen do I spent months expressing (it took me a few tries to work out that I could only get any decent amount if I fed from one side during the night then pumped the other side first thing) to get enough stored up. That was multiple bags frozen, defrosted and wasted trying to get DS to take a bottle.

Then I'd say it was a good 6 weeks of trying on and off. The off bits because the amount it was distressing him and me was horrible.

Then more time pumping to have enough supply to leave him for a day.

So yes, months of prep for one day. Plus expenses. 100% not worth it for me, so.i didn't bother with DC2.

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 10:45

Robinni · 15/05/2023 10:33

Oh man…. @Tandora …. months …. Are you for real.

So, for pumping to fill a freezer bag you are talking 20mins max. Let’s say over an 8 wk period to practice twice a week (IF the baby takes to it) that is a total of 5hrs 20mins. With a further 1hr 40min to supply 5 bags for the day of wedding (excess incase a bag rips or whatever).

And you don’t need to use a machine, you can use a hand pump which is quicker.

Absolutely shouldn’t be expected that OP HAS to do this. I posted in the first place, as I couldn’t understand why anyone hadn’t suggested expressing as a viable solution to her problem.

@inkpotlover I really don’t get all the fuss about shoving breasts into pumps and what not. But each to their own.

And again - pumping and dumping takes about 15 mins, over a 12 hour period if she feeds the baby at the beginning and end she should only have to pump and dump twice to deal with engorged breasts….. So you think they’d prevent her going to the toilet twice??

The issue with having the baby there is that if they invite one they have to invite everybody’s and 20-30 kids+ and multiple babies doesn’t usually go down well at weddings..

Personally I think they should let family children come but then how big is the family?

Show quote history

Not everyone can pump easily! I used to find it excruciating and would have to keep stopping, so two quick toilet visits wouldn't cut it. Plus, why should she even have to do this just to facilitate a one-off event? You seem to think it's no big deal, but to a lot of women it is.

ohdamnitjanet · 15/05/2023 10:45

I really wouldn’t want to go. It’s your brothers choice to make it so difficult for you, I’d stay home ( save a bloody fortune as well, probably) and have a lovely quiet and peaceful day. Stuff them.

RudsyFarmer · 15/05/2023 10:46

What do they explicitly want you to do? Ask them. It’s one thing to expect you to leave a toddler elsewhere for 12 hours but it’s obviously something else altogether to expect a breast fed baby to be shunted off from its food source for that long.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 10:48

Tandora · 15/05/2023 09:43

Tbf while Sunny’s post was infuriatingly idiotic , no one should be telling OP that expressing milk and bottle feeding is “an option, open” for her and her 5 month old baby. OP is the only one who can judge that, just like you are the only one who can understand your personal circumstances around having a baby and returning to work.

Show quote history

@Tandora why shouldn’t people suggest expressing as an option open to OP?

It is something she could try, if she wants to, to enable her to attend the wedding and avoid drama (other peoples).

It’s still breast milk that the baby is getting and provided you plan well and pump/dump when baby would normally feed, breast feeding carries on normally after.

I felt it was important to raise it and give an example of how it worked for me because sometimes people can drum it up into some sort of barbaric experience with “machines”, “confusion”, “horror”…. it really wasn’t like that for me at all, it was extremely easy.

I wouldn’t suggest it for a week long trip or anything, but we’re talking about 2-3 feeds here maximum over an afternoon/evening.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do OP I hope it works out. Anyone who doesn’t respect your way of handling this is not worth your time - do what’s best for you and your baby xo

Mari9999 · 15/05/2023 10:48

@PerryMenno
I don't think that it is fair to put the couple in the position of having to make a choice. They have said a child free wedding and it is up to the OP and her husband to decide if they can go. Maybe the OP's husband can keep the children while she attends the wedding and they just forgo the reception. It would be nice to have the sister at the wedding and reception, but to be honest her presence really isn't a critical part of the proceedings.

WheresSpring · 15/05/2023 10:49

Hi Db & (future) Sil
we are trying to figure out how best to attend your wedding and make sure we adhere to your wishes for a cf wedding. Obviously I’m breastfeeding so 5 month old will at the very least need to be at the go house in whatever circs so that they can be fed when required. The options are:

  1. dh & I come with kids and we organise babysitter in gp house (keeping them away from ceremony & reception).
  2. dh stays at home with toddler and I come with baby (looked after by sitter in gp house so I can pop in to feed when required).
  3. Dh stays at home with kids and I come for ceremony only and then return home.
  4. Kids have babysitter at gp house whilst dh & I attend just the ceremony after which we’ll head home.
Please do let us know which option is your preferred one.
HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 15/05/2023 10:49

I would get someone to look after toddler for the day off site and have baby at the grandparents house with a sitter so you can go in a breast feed when needed.

Feelinadequate23 · 15/05/2023 10:50

what do your parents think? It’s their house so they get the ultimate say. My parents would be furious with my brother for treating family children like an inconvenience in this scenario and would have a word to say the kids will be around if you host the wedding here, so suck it up! (Not that my brother would ever be this ridiculous about his niece/nephew!)

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 10:50

@Robinni you're having a laugh now. Manual pump is quicker? I never got a drop by using a manual pump, and not for want of trying. I pumped 4 times a day with both DCs since they were 2 weeks old and never filled a bag in 1 20 minute pump. I could get anything from nothing to 140ml in that time, absolutely no guarantees. Having spoken to other women my experience was more successful than most, but my stash in the freezer was for the necessity of returning to work, not so that my brother and his wife wouldn't feel upstaged by a small baby. Both my DCs were also given bottles here and there from 2 months to prepare them for my return to work and still refused breast/bottle/both at times when the schedule was a bit off. Additionally, my well established supply would not have been covered from leaking by pumping twice for 15 minutes over 12+ hours.

Women are not robots. Babies don't always do what we want them to either.

NotMyDayJob · 15/05/2023 10:52

@Robinni you seem weirdly obsessed with saying the OP can express and bottle feed as an option. Are you the future SIL?

I am sure OP knows whether her baby can bottle feed or not or whether she wants to try or not.

OP it sounds like maybe sending the toddler to your partner's family, if that's an option and having baby on site but with a conversation with various relatives that the baby is not invited to the wedding and shouldn't be brought in, you're just there to facilitate feeding easily

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/05/2023 10:52

@Robinni "So, for pumping to fill a freezer bag you are talking 20mins max. ... I posted in the first place, as I couldn’t understand why anyone hadn’t suggested expressing as a viable solution to her problem ... pumping and dumping takes about 15 mins"

Jesus wept Robinni - stop digging! Thank you for sharing how easy it was for you, now try and imagine that other women (including me!) have had very different experiences, and are seeing your studied insouciance on the matter as tone deaf, irrelevant to the OP, and slyly having a dig.

LivelyBlake · 15/05/2023 10:53

If logistics allow, could you leave your toddler back at home with your inlaws for a sleepover. Take baby with you to your parent's, book a nice hotel, your DH stays with baby and you attend the service. Take baby with you to dinner somewhere nice. Then go back home the next day.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 15/05/2023 10:53

Give them the options, let them choose.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 10:54

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 10:45

Not everyone can pump easily! I used to find it excruciating and would have to keep stopping, so two quick toilet visits wouldn't cut it. Plus, why should she even have to do this just to facilitate a one-off event? You seem to think it's no big deal, but to a lot of women it is.

Show quote history

@Inkpotlover

It was a suggestion.

Obviously if OP cannot pump easily or the baby doesn’t take to bottle it is a no go.

A suggestion to try - if she wants to - because if it works out it would make things much easier for her.

It’s not the work Christmas do…. It’s her brother’s wedding.

It’s not to facilitate the event but to facilitate her being able to attend and enjoy it properly and celebrate with him and the rest of the family.

If she doesn’t want to express that is completely fine, just an idea like all the others here.

luckylavender · 15/05/2023 10:55

You can't go. You've exhausted all options.

neverbeenskiing · 15/05/2023 10:55

It's quite simple, you have a baby who can't be left as they're BF and the B&G do not want children on site for the day of the wedding, so that means you can't go. Your DH can still go.

If the B&G get upset at this then I would put the ball back in their court and ask them what they were expecting you to do?

I have no issue with childfree weddings, people are entitled to have the kind of wedding they choose. What does piss me off is when a B&G who want a childfree wedding then get upset if parents of small children are not able to attend.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/05/2023 10:56

Toddler staying with dad at home and op and baby going. Baby staying inside with babysitter is a good option.
I suspect wedding couple won’t like it as it makes them look silly. Great auntie asking where husband and toddler is he’s at home..why…toddler wasn’t invited. Where’s baby I’ve been so looking forward to meeting her…
Is it definitely child free of is sil to be niece a flower girl!

Clementinesucks · 15/05/2023 10:57

Surely you can find care for your toddler? Then you can say, “we can find care for X but Y will be five months and is breastfed. She either comes with me or I stay home.”

MollyRover · 15/05/2023 10:57

neverbeenskiing · 15/05/2023 10:55

It's quite simple, you have a baby who can't be left as they're BF and the B&G do not want children on site for the day of the wedding, so that means you can't go. Your DH can still go.

If the B&G get upset at this then I would put the ball back in their court and ask them what they were expecting you to do?

I have no issue with childfree weddings, people are entitled to have the kind of wedding they choose. What does piss me off is when a B&G who want a childfree wedding then get upset if parents of small children are not able to attend.

Exactly. They can't have it both ways. I completely understand childfree occasions but they can't reasonably be pissed off if parents choose to put their children above the party. It's even more ridiculous that it's in the GPs house.

Calmdown14 · 15/05/2023 10:59

Oh these threads piss me off so much.

Not bringing a child to a wedding of a colleague or friend is fine, most people are delighted not to.

But close family members become much more complicated by virtue of the fact that the people you would ask to look after your children are usually there (limited numbers have both sets of grandparents nearby and able to care for kids for 12 plus hours or overnight).

This is in a garden so it's hardly a formal wedding.

I can perfectly understand asking them to be near the back with dad for the ceremony (assuming it is wife's family member or the other way round) so they don't disturb things, or even skipping that bit altogether.

I just can't fathom making it this hard for a sibling (and your own nieces and nephews) to attend a family event and it would make me think the person selfish.

No you shouldn't just expect the world to bend round your kids but when compromises have been offered and the logistics are difficult, common sense should prevail.

Incidentally the one person I know who insisted on a no kids wedding has never left hers and does attachment parenting. It does make me smile!