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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have 11 year old get himself ready and go to school alone?

109 replies

NoahandIsaac · 14/05/2023 16:44

Hi, I've had to get a new job (I start at 6am) there's no flexibility with this, but it pays well and I need this salary to cover our living expenses (single mum).

My son is 11 and in year 6, but will obviously be starting secondary school this year. His primary school is in our village and he honestly usually meets up with friends and walks by himself. When he starts secondary school, I'm sure he will walk himself to the school bus stop and meet his friends there as well. Thing is, I won't be there when he wakes up, so he needs to get himself up (we have already been working on that this past year anyway, with him setting his own alarm, obviously I'm up already and would be there to ensure he did actually get up, but it's been going fine and he will usually get up to his own alarm).

He's capable of making some toast or cereal for breakfast and obviously gets himself ready. I finish before school ends, but he always walks himself home anyway, but I'll be there every day when he returns. Obviously still available for all after school activities and things. It seems like it will work really well, apart from him obviously being on his own in the mornings. Would this bother you and would it be unreasonable to expect him to be okay on his own every morning?

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 14/05/2023 16:49

What time do you leave the house? To begin with, I would probably make sure he was awake before leaving (even if that is 5:30) and make sure he knows that if he oversleeps once left to his own devices it will be a 5:30 wake up every school day.

TheRevolutionmaywellbetelevised · 14/05/2023 16:49

You don’t really have a choice by the sounds of things @NoahandIsaac. Is there any way you could give him a quick call between him getting up and leaving time? Just to check in and make him feel connected?

You’re setting a good example to him by showing him we sometimes have to take work that doesn’t suit us perfectly ..

LookOutBandits · 14/05/2023 16:53

I think it's fine, it's the summer term. I think what I'd do is put his breakfast things out on the table before I went to bed just so he felt 'greeted' when he comes downstairs. I've probably expressed that poorly but hopefully you know what I mean!

PollyPeptide · 14/05/2023 16:54

I used to fantasise about this as a child. Lol. My dad and big sister used to leave and then I got up, dressed and had breakfast. Then when I went upstairs to clean my teeth and get my satchel, my mum used to get up. I suppose to check I was OK. But I hated it. Why couldn't she let me be?! (I've never been a morning person!)
So if your son is anything like me, he'll be absolutely fine. 🙂

Smartiepants79 · 14/05/2023 16:55

Can someone phone him at an appropriate time?
I have to say my primary school wouldn’t like this if they knew about it.
They’d probably feel he’s was a bit young still to be alone at home for that period of time.
A kid at my school was actually in a very similar scenario, he didn’t make it to school one day. My head was deeply unimpressed with the set up.

W0tnow · 14/05/2023 17:02

I think most 11 year old kids would be capable of this. My biggest concern would be the child not locking up properly. Or pulling the door locked shut and leaving something like his lunch or computer inside. I think mobile phones remove a lot of the worry though.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 14/05/2023 17:02

In contrast I think it's not a great idea. It's just far too easy for him to get distracted and it's really quite lonely getting up by yourself day after day after day. There's also the big issue of whether he can remember to set the alarm and lock up appropriately every single time. A one off or once a week is one thing, every single day just seems quite another to me.

QuillBill · 14/05/2023 17:03

I have to say my primary school wouldn’t like this if they knew about it.

It's this sort of thinking that leads to a load of year sevens being unable to manage when they get to secondary.

There is half a term left. When exactly is a good time to start training them up to get ready for the transition?

HarrietJet · 14/05/2023 17:04

I think it sounds a bit bleak for him.

GrazingSheep · 14/05/2023 17:07

When exactly is a good time to start training them up to get ready for the transition?

I think a parent leaving the house at 5.30am (there or thereabouts) to be at work for a 6am start, and leaving an 11 year old to get up, sort themselves out and lock up, is more than ‘training them up’.

whyisitalwayswindy · 14/05/2023 17:07

I think it's sounds fine. You are modelling that earning money through work, even when it isn't ideal, is what you need to do. Most people have lives that don't quite tally up to what is the 'ideal'.

At 11 he should be capable of this (as long as no additional needs) and depending on his personality may relish the independence. You will be home at night for him.

TheSnowyOwl · 14/05/2023 17:07

W0tnow · 14/05/2023 17:02

A key safe would also alleviate much of this worry.

SheilaFentiman · 14/05/2023 17:08

Yanbu. DS1 did this fine for much of year 6, and he was 10. Not because we left as early as you, but because he had something to do before school. He never once left the door unlocked, or was late. (Different matter now he’s a teen 😀)

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:10

I'd prefer it if they were awake and getting up before I left, what time do you have to leave? If it was later, say leaving at 6:30 I wouldn't think twice about it. Maybe wake him up before you go just for the summer term as it gets light so early anyway, moving to an alarm in September.

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 14/05/2023 17:13

I think it's safe and responsible and fine. I agree with PP about role modelling work responsibilities even when they're somewhat tough.

I think it's less ideal than you being there til he goes out, in terms of what's nicest for him, but life is often not ideal. (I'm also a single parent with a DS of the same age - I go out after him in the morning, but he gets home some time before I do. He's fine and rather enjoys the place to himself, as I did when I started secondary school, but in an ideal world I would be there.)

I liked a PP's suggestion of leaving his breakfast stuff ready as a 'greeting' each morning. I think I'd also really consciously enjoy weekend mornings together more as a result.

RampantIvy · 14/05/2023 17:14

I agree. When DD was in year 6 she wouldn't have had the confidence to do this. She is a now a very independent 22 year old adult living away from home. It just takes some of our youngsters a little longer to have the confidence (and common sense_ to do this.

W0tnow · 14/05/2023 17:15

You’re a single mother, you’ve found a job that pays well, you need the job to cover your living expenses. It’s not ideal, but it’s not the end of the world. It is what it is.

The upside is that you’re home when he is at the end of the school day, which something loads of parents don’t get. Mornings are often rushed anyway, they’re generally not considered ideal for quality time with your kids.

If the alternative is to not take the job and put you and your son under financial stress, then it’s not really a viable alternative. He’ll be fine.

NumberTheory · 14/05/2023 17:16

I think whether or not this is okay depends on your DS. I have one child who could have done this well (and would have loved it) and one child who would have struggled and frequently been late to school.

If your DS can wake up to an alarm and is generally responsible, then there’s no problem with you starting work early. You just need to work together on the details to make as nice as possible for both of you. If your DS struggles to get out of bed and get going on his own, or if he’s the sort of kid who will take advantage of you not being there, then you might need to work on that before you can be sure it’s going to work well.

WeeBenny · 14/05/2023 17:18

I done this with my DS from the same age. Always laid his uniform out the day before and put breakfast out. I just phoned him at 7:30 to make sure he was up

Dutch1e · 14/05/2023 17:26

I don't think it's too young, there are plenty of us who have done similar at the same age. When you're a single parent the family unit just has to get on with whatever is necessary to keep food on the table. The only variable is really how a kid feels about the situation... speaking from experience as being the kid of a single mum and later being a single mum myself I feel pretty confident saying that when a kid feels loved and valued it's easy to pitch in with normal family responsibilities like this.

PatChaunceysFruitCake · 14/05/2023 17:27

My DD is the same age and would be completely fine with this.

Assuming you can access your phone at work I agree you should phone to check he's up / asking him to message you when he gets up. You could also get a Ring doorbell so you know exactly when he leaves.

PatChaunceysFruitCake · 14/05/2023 17:28

Ps how lovely that you'll be home before him so you can spend some time with him when he gets in.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 14/05/2023 17:29

I agree with the poster who said that primary schools wouldn't be keen if they knew. Equally, I think many secondaries would be a bit uneasy if they knew about this. But there's not anything they can actually do about it. Not the walking to school alone, but the getting up alone and having to lock the house up every day.

For me, there are two big risks:

He forgets to lock the house up properly.

If he doesn't show up at school in the morning (imagine he gets hit by a car crossing a road or similar) and it's harder for you/school to figure out where he might be, as you don't really know when he left. And actually, you don't know if he's at home and just hasn't woken up.

I think in the unlikely chance something did happen, it would be viewed as a bit neglectful.

But as I say, in most circumstances, there's nothing that could be done, even if a school was unhappy with the set up, unless they felt he was being neglected on a wider level.

Dutch1e · 14/05/2023 17:30

PatChaunceysFruitCake · 14/05/2023 17:28

Ps how lovely that you'll be home before him so you can spend some time with him when he gets in.

Totally agree, this is really the key part of the whole situation. How lovely to have the best part of your child's day and still be able to have a good (financial) position as a single parent.

museumum · 14/05/2023 17:31

Will you be available on the phone? What if he wakes up feeling rough? Who decides if he needs a day off? Who calls him in sick? I wouldn’t be happy unless my ds was awake early with me or I could call him at wake-up time.

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