To have 11 year old get himself ready and go to school alone?

[NoahandIsaac]

Hi, I've had to get a new job (I start at 6am) there's no flexibility with this, but it pays well and I need this salary to cover our living expenses (single mum).

My son is 11 and in year 6, but will obviously be starting secondary school this year. His primary school is in our village and he honestly usually meets up with friends and walks by himself. When he starts secondary school, I'm sure he will walk himself to the school bus stop and meet his friends there as well. Thing is, I won't be there when he wakes up, so he needs to get himself up (we have already been working on that this past year anyway, with him setting his own alarm, obviously I'm up already and would be there to ensure he did actually get up, but it's been going fine and he will usually get up to his own alarm).

He's capable of making some toast or cereal for breakfast and obviously gets himself ready. I finish before school ends, but he always walks himself home anyway, but I'll be there every day when he returns. Obviously still available for all after school activities and things. It seems like it will work really well, apart from him obviously being on his own in the mornings. Would this bother you and would it be unreasonable to expect him to be okay on his own every morning?

How would you manage if he woke up and was unwell and not able to go to school? I think it should be fine for an 11 year old to do this and you clearly have little choice but perhaps you can think of back up plans for uneventualities?

Jesus Christ. Fancy asking a single mother who is trying to put food on the table to IMAGINE HER CHILD GETTING HIT BY A CAR.

Is that your idea of supportive?

You astound me. Truly.

My son did that at 11 - I went to work very early, and husband (who had got up with him til then) had to start earlier too, so we had no choice. He was very good about it, and only overslept once I think!

I think it sounds fine. I’d put plenty of contingency plans in place in case - a neighbour he can knock at if he’s feeling worried about something in the house, a friend’s parent he can knock at or call if he needs to. And phone him as he should be getting ready to leave the first week or so. Maybe sets lots of timers on his phone and have a good timetable on the wall to help him out.

Do people imagine this mother has lots of choices????

OP my DS of the same age is fiercely independent and would cope no problem. All of us understand that it’s not the happiest solution, but we’re far too tactful to point that out.

Do what you have to do. You’re doing it for the right reasons. As others have said, when he gets home you’re there to ask him about his day and give him an ear and some encouragement.

I wish you both well. Hope the job goes well and that your son manages perfectly well.

If he doesn't show up at school in the morning (imagine he gets hit by a car crossing a road or similar) and it's harder for you/school to figure out where he might be

He'll be in school uniform. If he's involved in an accident on the way to school, it will take police attending about two seconds to work out where he's supposed to be, if he's unable to tell them. If his uniform/school bag is marked with his name, they'll also know who he is. School won't have to figure it out; they'll be informed.

I would advise caution about advertising the fact there is a child alone in the house at that time actually.

If he's happy it seems ok. No different from waiting around for you to get home if you worked later and will set him good habits for the future. I'd definitely give him a call each morning just to check he's ok.

My only thoughts would be that you do have the ability to answer your phone a any time if he really needed you and that there is a trusted adult near by if he needed help.

Fair enough Rampantivy. Apologies. I was just getting frustrated with some of the comments about how inappropriate it was for an 11 year old to get themselves to school. Of course some kids will be more mature than others at this age and more able but I honestly believe that most kids blossom when given some independence and responsibility. Mollycoddling our children because of what if and just in case is not helpful. So sorry - I got it wrong - I thought you were celebrating an independent 22year old 🤣🤣🤣🤣

No worries @Voerendaal.
TBH getting DD out of bed on the mornings when she was at school was often a trial. She needed to leave the house at 7.40 for the school bus for high school. Living rurally meant that she had to get that school bus as there was no other option.

I think that you have thought this through, involved your son, and you will be able to put this into practice. Planning is the key, preparation the night before so he definitely has everything he needs for the next day and doesn't have a panic for PE kit or homework. Set out his breakfast, maybe with a little note to say good morning, and remind him about anything. Can you phone him just before he leaves home or as he's eating breakfast, a little contact would reassure you both. Then on Saturdays have a lovely catch up breakfast together. You're doing your best for your family, well done you.

He might be capable, but i think its sad tbh .

Can he contact you at work if he needs to? Is there another adult he is able to contact if he can’t get hold of you (for whatever reason)? Is there a friend who he can call for to walk to school with? Having someone to meet might be a nice motivation for him, You could ask their mum to give you a call if he never shows. School should call if he dosent come in - you can let them know he’s walking in alone so they know to call if he’s late rather than assume he’s sick and with you - I wouldn’t give them all the details, just say he’s walking to school on his own so they are aware for the register etc - it’s also important for last min schools closures (snow/floods etc) so they know who they have to look after anyway. I’d also be reassured if I could call him at about the time he’s supposed to leave the house each day and check he’s up and about to leave.

I did this as a kid from y5 (and got my kid sister to school as well (y3) but having her about probably helped with any lonelyness - like you my mum didn’t have a choice - my dad was in hospital long term and she had to go to work to put food on the table and pay the mortgage. I knew I could go to the neighbours if I had any problems at all - and I did once when there was a power cut.

There is the ideal world and the one many people have to live in. Is it totally ideal, no, is it acceptable I think so. I would get him to text you when he is up so you know if he has enough time to get ready, then again when he gets to school. I have a friend with four kids (now all adults) who never got up in the mornings to get them ready for school. I thought it was very strange but they all survived and are great young people so I try not to judge people.

I think it all sounds fine. No point him being awake at 5:30, he might well fall asleep again anyway. I might have an alarm clock that he can only reach if he gets out of bed as a back
up to phone alarm. Everything ready the night before and he can put the radio on for company at breakfast. Key on a chain in inner blazer pocket. Maybe a hidden spare or a keysafe in case he accidentally locks himself out. A quick chat in your break and you can be alerted to any problems. I would talk it over with him and find something her might like to do as a mark of your appreciation for his mature behaviour. I don’t mean buying him stuff; would he enjoy an outing with a pal, or a sleepover..

Former boarder here. The way it works with much younger kids getting themselves dressed / fed / bed made / to school in that context is minute routine; yes obviously there are more people about in that situation but it’s each child for themselves. Knowing exactly what order to do every tiny task in is what made it all work. By 11 he’s not going to need to know to brush teeth probably but knowing where clothes are / school bag is / breakfast things are / alarm set for time to leave the house etc would help set things onto auto pilot. If there’s anyone nearby he could walk in with that’s probably a good thing.
having a radio in is also good for “company” and also time cues (the traffic news is on - I should be dressed by now etc etc)

That's very unfair on OPs child, making him get up that early. Could OP ring at a later time to make sure he's awake? When I left my similar aged child the biggest worry was him locking up properly, he'd sometimes forget.

I sort of do this once a week on my office day but I leave at about 8, so I get him up and make sure he’s dressed and fed and he has about half an hour where he watches YouTube or whatever. He has an alarm set for 8:30 so he has a reminder when to leave. And often one of his older siblings is in the house but usually asleep. I don’t especially like doing it but needs must!

If everything was ready the night before so he would just have to get ready and go then yeah I would have to do it

DD had to do this for her first couple of years of secondary. She missed the bus twice that first term, as she was pushing how late she could leave, but it didn't happen after this.

She says she quite enjoyed the solitude in the morning, (like me, I don't think she's a morning person) and she seemed quite annoyed when suddenly there was another person bumbling round the house in the morning when I started working from home.

I think it's fine as long as he's ok with it - which he clearly is. Having the key attached to a stretchy key ring on his bag is a good idea (and maybe a lockbox with a spare key).

I've been contemplating whether il bother getting up with dd in September when she starts year 7 - she's going to have to get up quite early to catch the school bus and she usually just does her own thing in the mornings anyway, doesn't need any help from me. I'm dreading the earlier wakeups!

He will be fine. He should be capable of doing the basic thing by himself at that age.

I think it's fine. He has half a term of primary school left. If the head has a problem with that he has too much time on his hands.
I would give him a ring or ask a friend to call him just to check he's up and okay. I think as long as your son is okay getting ready and locking up it's fine.
People baby their children through primary school and suddenly expect them to cope in Y7. I think it's a good thing to give him more independence now.

It isn't ideal but in order to work and support your child you are doing what you have to do OP. Don't feel bad about it. Your child will grow up to be strong and independent and you are setting them as a good example. Leave cereal out on the table with a bowl and spoon so the child knows you thought about them. Put out any PE kit etc. Can you ring them or text for a couple of minutes each morning to remind them time to get up now, time to leave house now. Just for the first couple of weeks. In 4 months the child will be at secondary school and I expect several children will be setting themselves off.

My eldest would have been fine to do this in yr 6, and basically has done it since starting yr 7.

My youngest I don’t think will be ready for this come yr 6(currently yr 4).