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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 11 year old get himself ready and go to school alone?

109 replies

NoahandIsaac · 14/05/2023 16:44

Hi, I've had to get a new job (I start at 6am) there's no flexibility with this, but it pays well and I need this salary to cover our living expenses (single mum).

My son is 11 and in year 6, but will obviously be starting secondary school this year. His primary school is in our village and he honestly usually meets up with friends and walks by himself. When he starts secondary school, I'm sure he will walk himself to the school bus stop and meet his friends there as well. Thing is, I won't be there when he wakes up, so he needs to get himself up (we have already been working on that this past year anyway, with him setting his own alarm, obviously I'm up already and would be there to ensure he did actually get up, but it's been going fine and he will usually get up to his own alarm).

He's capable of making some toast or cereal for breakfast and obviously gets himself ready. I finish before school ends, but he always walks himself home anyway, but I'll be there every day when he returns. Obviously still available for all after school activities and things. It seems like it will work really well, apart from him obviously being on his own in the mornings. Would this bother you and would it be unreasonable to expect him to be okay on his own every morning?

OP posts:
Sloelydoesit · 14/05/2023 17:31

Mine does twice a week whilst with me and comes home and has to be by himself for a couple of hours before I get back.
He loves it. He feels independent and enjoys time in the house by himself.
I can see from his phone that he's home and check in with him when he gets there.
All depends on the child like most of these situations

Dixiechickonhols · 14/05/2023 17:33

It’s 2 months to go in primary. I’d give it a try. longer term a 6-2 shift means you see him after school and it will be easier in hols as he will probably stay in bed meaning he won’t be on his own all day.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/05/2023 17:34

Good for you OP, you sound like a responsible woman working hard. In response to the poster who said what if he goes missing on the way to school - how about a family tracker app like Life 360?

BitOutOfPractice · 14/05/2023 17:34

My head was deeply unimpressed with the set up

’my head’ could do one. Ffs.

matthewstirling · 14/05/2023 17:34

Lots of the parents at our primary school work in factories or are carers so this arrangement is fairly commonplace. You don't always have a choice if you're a single parent on a 6-2 shift. School shouldn't have an issue unless he's arriving late, says he's scared, is forgetting stuff all the time etc.

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:35

museumum · 14/05/2023 17:31

Will you be available on the phone? What if he wakes up feeling rough? Who decides if he needs a day off? Who calls him in sick? I wouldn’t be happy unless my ds was awake early with me or I could call him at wake-up time.

The child calls or texts the parent, the parent phones in.

Voerendaal · 14/05/2023 17:37

RampantIvy · 14/05/2023 17:14

I think a parent leaving the house at 5.30am (there or thereabouts) to be at work for a 6am start, and leaving an 11 year old to get up, sort themselves out and lock up, is more than ‘training them up’.

I agree. When DD was in year 6 she wouldn't have had the confidence to do this. She is a now a very independent 22 year old adult living away from home. It just takes some of our youngsters a little longer to have the confidence (and common sense_ to do this.

You have a 22 year old who can manage all by herself! FFS - I left home at 19 to do my nurse training. By the time I was 22 I was working in ICU looking after the sickest patients in the hospital.
Please can we not congratulate ourselves on having self sufficient 22 year olds or is this really not the norm

Trinity69 · 14/05/2023 17:37

My daughter has been doing this for a few months now. I started a new job in October and start at 8am. Out of the house 7:15 at the very latest. Initially she went to breakfast club but decided the extra zzzzz’s were worth the walk in! Twice she’s not got up as early as she’d like but has still made it in on time and friend comes to call for her on the way and they walk together. She’s walks home too and is always the first in the door.

Whinge · 14/05/2023 17:38

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:35

The child calls or texts the parent, the parent phones in.

Show quote history

OP may not have access to her phone at work. @museumum was just highlighting a potential problem, which the OP might not have thought about.

HarrietJet · 14/05/2023 17:38

Voerendaal · 14/05/2023 17:37

You have a 22 year old who can manage all by herself! FFS - I left home at 19 to do my nurse training. By the time I was 22 I was working in ICU looking after the sickest patients in the hospital.
Please can we not congratulate ourselves on having self sufficient 22 year olds or is this really not the norm

Show quote history

I really don't think the post you quoted was doing that. Do you?

Original poster
NoahandIsaac · 14/05/2023 17:39

Yes, we have a ring doorbell, so I'll be able to see when he's actually leaving and he did already say "I'll wave to you on the camera" Grin bless him. He seems okay about it, I thought about ensuring he was up by 5:30, but he told me he thinks he will feel tired and not like having to wait in the morning without me being there to talk to, but he is okay about being on his own when he gets ready. Will definitely ensure he has everything needed already out.

Didn't know school wouldn't be keen on it... I suppose the locking up the house and if he feels unwell are good concerns. I will be able to arrange my break around the time he will be leaving/getting ready (I could call him for the whole 30 mins) phone wouldn't be available from when I get to work until that break though...

OP posts:
WaitingForSunnyDays · 14/05/2023 17:42

Have you got something like Life360 on his phone? Then at least you can check if he hasn't left the house on time (if you're allowed access to your phone)

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 17:42

Can your son contact you at work if there's a problem? I know you say you won't have access to your phone but is there a switchboard or something he can call?

I was left to get myself to school at that age but my dad was around to make sure I was awake first, and I had a way to contact both my parents if there as a problem.

slipsand · 14/05/2023 17:44

I think you're setting a great example, and if he's happy with the arrangement I wish you the best with it.

I am curious if there is a huge leap in maturity from 10-11? My just-turned-10 girl claims she 'doesn't know how to put her socks on' and would have me still dress her if I didn't push back 😅

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:45

Whinge · 14/05/2023 17:38

OP may not have access to her phone at work. @museumum was just highlighting a potential problem, which the OP might not have thought about.

Show quote history

That's a good point. The child would need the workplace number in that situation, as would the school anyway.

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:48

The difficult thing I found at that age was that the primary school did not contact parents if children were absent. At secondary they started phoning at 9:30 so you knew if your child had not arrived. I think primaries should call, at least for the upper years.

savoycabbage · 14/05/2023 17:49

My dd walked home from year five. She had a key on one of those long curly telephone wire type key rings attached inside her school bag and an iPhone in her bag which I set to send me an alert when she got home. Then she rang me when she had settled in. She enjoyed the responsibility.

LookOutBandits · 14/05/2023 17:50

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:48

The difficult thing I found at that age was that the primary school did not contact parents if children were absent. At secondary they started phoning at 9:30 so you knew if your child had not arrived. I think primaries should call, at least for the upper years.

They are supposed to. Mine does and the reason for absence is always noted down in the afternoon register.

NumberTheory · 14/05/2023 17:54

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:10

I'd prefer it if they were awake and getting up before I left, what time do you have to leave? If it was later, say leaving at 6:30 I wouldn't think twice about it. Maybe wake him up before you go just for the summer term as it gets light so early anyway, moving to an alarm in September.

Given his age, if he doesn’t need to be up close to this time anyway, this isn’t good for him as it will cut the amount and quality of sleep he gets. Adolescents’ hormones promote sleep later in the day than adults’ hormones. You can’t completely make up for it just by going to bed earlier.

If it’s the only way to get him up for school in time, then you may need to. But it isn’t a good idea to start with this just because you’d feel better about seeing him awake before you leave.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 17:54

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 17:48

The difficult thing I found at that age was that the primary school did not contact parents if children were absent. At secondary they started phoning at 9:30 so you knew if your child had not arrived. I think primaries should call, at least for the upper years.

They are supposed to contact parents - all schools are if children don't show up.

Your school was failing pretty spectacularly in basic safeguarding if they genuinely didn't contact parents...

loislovesstewie · 14/05/2023 17:55

Well, my mum died when I was 11 and my dad was in a similar situation to you OP. He had to leave the house early to get to work. I got myself up, dressed, fed etc and off to school on the bus. When I came home it was to an empty house. I didn't like that part as I wanted mum there, but truthfully there was no alternative. I survived and it did make me very independent, perhaps too independent, as I find it hard to ask for help. As long as you have talked it through and left instructions about what to do if....then I think you are OK.

Tellmeifimwrong · 14/05/2023 18:02

Single parents often don't have the luxury of choice. My kids get themselves up, ready and out, eldest is y6 and calls me if there is any problem (I'm lucky that I can answer) but it's never a big problem, it's usually "the cheerios have run out!" I also get home early and we spend the evenings together.

My kids' school know and are fully supportive. The headteacher said to me, take the job and we will help in any way we can. I haven't needed their help but it was so nice to hear.

Upwiththelark76 · 14/05/2023 18:08

Absolutely fine OP.you call DC to make sure he is up and then crack on with your day . What a great way to introduce independence.

Okunevo · 14/05/2023 18:09

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 17:54

They are supposed to contact parents - all schools are if children don't show up.

Your school was failing pretty spectacularly in basic safeguarding if they genuinely didn't contact parents...

Show quote history

Sorry, forgot we were overseas so it must be different here then. You had to explain absences within seven days of the first day of absence, so could send a note with the child the next day. Secondaries phoned parents if they hadn't phoned in to report the absence, the same as here.

MooseBreath · 14/05/2023 18:12

I used to do this. My parents were teachers and left the house at 7am to get to their schools. My brothers and I (11, 10, and 8) got up, dressed, and ate breakfast. My brothers walked together to primary school together and I walked to the bus stop for middle school with a friend on the next road over. This was the early 2000s and we had no mobiles.

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