To have 11 year old get himself ready and go to school alone?

[NoahandIsaac]

Hi, I've had to get a new job (I start at 6am) there's no flexibility with this, but it pays well and I need this salary to cover our living expenses (single mum).

My son is 11 and in year 6, but will obviously be starting secondary school this year. His primary school is in our village and he honestly usually meets up with friends and walks by himself. When he starts secondary school, I'm sure he will walk himself to the school bus stop and meet his friends there as well. Thing is, I won't be there when he wakes up, so he needs to get himself up (we have already been working on that this past year anyway, with him setting his own alarm, obviously I'm up already and would be there to ensure he did actually get up, but it's been going fine and he will usually get up to his own alarm).

He's capable of making some toast or cereal for breakfast and obviously gets himself ready. I finish before school ends, but he always walks himself home anyway, but I'll be there every day when he returns. Obviously still available for all after school activities and things. It seems like it will work really well, apart from him obviously being on his own in the mornings. Would this bother you and would it be unreasonable to expect him to be okay on his own every morning?

So who does he contact if there’s a problem or he’s ill?
You need a back up plan!

I imagine OP doesn’t need advice on a back up plan, she has clearly thought this through so thoroughly she is now just asking for experiences.

OP he will be absolutely fine. I had to have a similar arrangement for my son from age 11 and he was and has been absolutely fine and is 16 now.

For my piece of mind I would lay everything out on his chair the night before including pants/socks etc (yeah I know 😂) I left his packed bag and shoes by the door. Every morning at 8.05 I would message him and say ‘are you on the bus’ he would say ‘yeah’ and that was that. He also had the numbers of a couple of people he could call if necessary but never needed them. Never any issue. Yeah 11 is young but they change so quick in the first year of secondary and before you know it he will be a teenager.

You sound like a loving, caring and responsible parent. He will be fine :-)

I think your dc could be fine. If they're confident then that's good. My dc (same year) sometimes lets herself home school and waits for up to 2 hours for me (about once a fortnight. Dc texts as soon as she's in and we also have a ring doorbell. I'm available by phone which helps. Some mornings I do leave before here (only be 30 minutes) and again she's happy to let herself out.

I would insist on dc getting up at 5.30. It's too early. I'd make sure they had an alarm, then a phone call from you 10 minutes later.

And I'm nervous about dd doing this at 13 for secondary school also single mother, but I've to call her several times each morning to get out the door for childminders, there's a big improvement in last 3 months or so.

At 11, it is absolutely fine. You do what you need to do. He will manage fine.

OP, when I was younger my neighbour had the same issue as you. In my final year of high school she paid me a small amount to go in on the mornings after she had left to make sure the kids had had breakfast and get them out the door and, crucially, lock up the house. They then walked to school as normal with their friends. Would something like this work for you? At least initially until you are confident your son is ok. Although a fairly confident 11 year old may not appreciate being "babysat" in the mornings and see it as a lack of trust.

Oh, for goodness sake!
She was independent at 19.
Give yourself a medal for being such a perfect specimen of the human race

No

OP

you may also be able to use something like Alexa, to play music 5 mins after the alarm goes off!

Admittedly this was before mobiles and Ring doorbells, so may be overkill nowadays!

Should be fine. Get him to message when he’s up and then when he arrives at school even if you can’t response immediately as you’re at work. It could be an idea to let the school know that he’s up and out on his own in case of any problems or he doesn’t arrive.

Can you ask any of your neighbours or his friends’ parents for help? My daughter’s friend’s mum is a nurse, has shift work, and I so I do let her sleep over during the week as needed. I then wake them all up. At 11 I think the biggest concern would be if they woke up ill - there have been days when my dd’s friend has woken up poorly & I’ve kept her with me.

Be good for him to have his shower every night before bed as teen boys can sometimes try to dodge this if left alone. Uniform and lunch ready and off he goes. Think him waving to you at the door is a great idea and the Summer holidays are nearly here.

Defo invest in a key safe. Phone him at 8am to check he is on track

My daughter was capable of getting herself ready and to school in Y6 - but secondary has hit hard and if I wasn’t chivvying her along and walking her to the bus stop, she wouldn’t get to school. So just consider how he might change.

@Postapocalypticcowgirl I think that's a very paranoid stance. I live in an urban area and it's perfectly normal for yr4/5 kids to walk to school solo. No yr6 has a parent walk with them unless they really want it. I work from home but start work before my Yr6 goes out so I largely leave them to it.
All Yr6 and a lot of Yr5 walk home alone.

Can you pack his bag the night before and leave it by the door? Set some alarms up to prompt him through his morning? Set his breakfast stuff up so it’s waiting for him as he gets up? I’d probably recommend getting a ring door bell so you can see him coming and going. I’d also chain clip got his front door key to his school bag so he can’t lose it.

Its not ideal but it’s definitely doable…

My mum was a teacher she had to leave at 7am everyday, i went to school by myself when i was 9 and my sister was 8! Depends on the area and the child

A bit OT but re independence and being capable at this age - the Montessori principle of never doing anything for a child which she can do for herself is so true.
They will not learn if we do things for them. That’s not just lip service, they truly Will Not Learn. Without the opportunity to practice and make mistakes, their coordination cannot develop. Without fussing with that zipper or button or shoelace, they Will. Not. Learn.

Learning is a coordination of mistakes and practice and repetition, until the right skills in the right sequence come together and can be repeated.

When we prevent the practice, we prevent the learning, and then we really are an Obstacle to Development.

baandek.org/posts/never-help-child/

Irrespective of the OP, who I appreciate is having to do this, there really is no mad rush towards independence.

It can become a bit daft on here sometimes with posters falling over themselves with tales of what they did and how young they were when they did it.

I do not for a moment think it’s wrong but I wouldn’t do it personally and I don’t think it’s an ideal setup.

He will be fine. As you have the Ring doorbell you can see when he leaves and triggers the camera you can speak to him through that if needed and see him lock up. Let him practise now, just out the house and locking the door. Maybe put a checklist on the back of the front door so he can make sure he has done everything before he leaves ie got his bag, lunch whatever.

Mine had their front door key on one of those retractable key rings which was attached inside their school bag so the key was always with the bag. My friend's son turned 11 on the 31st August and started secondary a few days later so literally just 11.

Also get him to shout bye as he comes out of the house meaning anyone watching thinks someone is in there. I used to do this when I came into the house too.

This is what I mean though @DivorcedAndDelighted . An eleven year old can be left overnight but that doesn’t mean you should.

It’s completely different to dressing a three year old who can do it themselves. There’s a massive difference between independence and unsupported. I don’t think some posters understand the difference. Nineteen year old chooses to move out to live with their mates at uni with their parents’ blessing - independence. Nineteen year old chucked out because parents have had enough of him - unsupported.

My main concern would be them not locking the door properly and leaving the house unlocked all day. Our front door is quite awkward to lock.

I know my kid and he’d be fine. Also it’s much nicer to have you home early … that’s way more use to him than morning which is essentially swallow breakfast and leave. Lots of first years come home to an empty house, you’re just doing it the other way round. Congrats on the job

@Voerendaal what I mean to say was that although DD was independent way before 22, she is now completely independent living and working away from home since she graduated. Just that some DC take longer than others.