No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

[helpMeWritethis]

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

By yr 4 it’s usually just a handful of attendees. Parties or activities are very expensive. A whole class party yr 4 is unusual.
I’d just set up a play date.
I’d have been clear with daughter that she’d not had an invite and invites don’t happen last minute by phone. x is your friend but can’t invite all her friends it’s expensive let’s sort a play date soon.

It’s not excluding a child if you say to your 9 yr old yes you can go to x for your birthday and invite 4 friends. It’s expensive and logistics eg car size, max 6 to a bowling lane. Parents don’t stay at that age so birthday mum needs to be able to supervise numbers she invites.

@Mustardandchickensandwiches

Your post made me full body cringe. Being self congratulatory about a 'cool party' and a kid being upset. Seriously, massive cringe.

Your all very precious about your little darlings missing out

It's not that though, it's your tone which sort of delighted in it and relished someone being upset. A kid, in fact. It suggested a nasty streak and people posted in your response to you accordingly.

I am struggling to understand why your solution to this is a play date with Emma?! They didn’t invite dd to the party, so wouldn’t be getting further invites from me.

Do you normally police your child's social life this way @Blossombathing ? The idea of a parent taking revenge on a child who might not even have had a say in whether her friend was invited to the park or not (the mother having possibly decided on the numbers) is bizarre and spiteful. Primary school children's friendships are very fluid, and to be frank, it seems that the children deal with this stuff better than their parents. OP's child still likes this friend, and if her DD wants her to come on a play date, then she should be able to invite her.

Of course it's a parent's role to be watchful of any potentially unhealthy friendships, but a vengeful response to the lack of a party invitation is immature and unhealthy in itself.

"”all the girls in the class” bar one isn’t a cap on numbers it’s bullying. This is actually not allowed at my kids’ school - it’s in the school rules""

Thats not bullying at all. It is called inviting who you like

Suck it up kids. That's life

You say your daughter is very social yet never gets invited to parties. Could she actually have some social difficulties that she needs support with?

"”all the girls in the class” bar one isn’t a cap on numbers it’s bullying. This is actually not allowed at my kids’ school - it’s in the school rules"" no it’s not. On both counts.

If you have to restrict numbers then sometimes someone has to miss out.

And it absolutely is not in the school rules because the school have absolutely no say in what parents do with their children on their time. They can control invites not being given out in class, but that’s where it ends.

TBH I have mixed feelings about this.

If one child is deliberately being excluded because that child is being bullied, then of course that’s not ok. However, is it ok to bring children up to not be allowed to choose their own frends? Not be allowed to have a say in who they want to mix with? Where does that end? If you have to invite all the children, should you invite the one who hasn’t got on with your child because they’re obliged to accept everyone regardless? And how does that teach children about being able to create their own boundaries into adulthood.

How many people do we see on here who feel that they should be bottom of the pecking order because it’s wrong to ever say no to anyone?

And from the other side, what are we teaching children when it’s wrong to ever not be part of something? Again, how many adults do we see on here who are devastated because their friends have dared to go somewhere without them.

Children need to be able to create their own boundaries, and they also need to learn resilience.

And sometimes children need to learn that there are reasons why they might not be being invited places. It’s a hard lesson to learn sometimes, but it’s a necessary one.

Spot on. And the non-inviting mother is a judgemental dick with superiority complex.

Cruel to not invite the class bullies? I won’t invite the class bullies to my home or my kid party,why would I extend hospitality to the bully who is physically and socially dominant. I am not compelled to offer an everyone is welcome invite, because everyone is not welcome.

At nursery there is a toddler who is a prolific biter. they aren’t invited to my house for play date or party. why would I invite the child who bites and scares my kid to their party. Prior to attending other parents did ask if the child who bites was attending, indicating they would be anxious with this child present

Agree
School cannot impose mandatory invitations for all pupils upon parents. Daft to suggest otherwise
The invitations are not to be given out at school, but most folk WhatsApp & email so paper invitations aren’t an issue

"all the girls in the class” bar one isn’t a cap on numbers it’s bullying"

I'm sick to the back teeth of every instance of something like this being labelled as bullying. Bullying is usually repeated and sustained behaviour, not choosing not to invite someone to a party FFS!

@Zone2NorthLondon Of course don't invite the bullies, that's different.

By 8yo you know who you like who, who is a friend. Whole class invite are unnecessary and expensive
We don’t need to reach our daughters to be compliant people pleasers, frankly it’s ok to say no and not invite someone on basis you don’t like them. Let’s not model nice girl everyone is invited behaviour’s to our daughters because it is expected societally

Sorry, but it’s clear that the problem here is YOU.

NO! Most definitely not. That would be the boys’ CF mum.

What are you teaching your child?
To run away and avoid people if things aren’t reciprocated?

To not be taken for a mug! Sometimes actions speak louder than words and it’s absolutely fine to just walk away sometimes.

Also, I’m sorry to hear you were never invited to parties. You believe this happened because you were never able to invite anyone round due to your complicated home life, which may well have been the case. It sounds horrendous, but this is not the same situation at all. These kids had parties and play dates, sleepovers, etc. There was clearly no embarrassment felt when inviting other children, but yet they were unable to include her son even once.

I’m raging for you @Needanewadventure2021 . You sound so lovely

As a teacher, may I please just say, do NOT involve us.
We have enough to do without policing your kids' social lives.
My school's "rule" is that we will not hand out invitations on a child's behalf by putting them in book bags, nor will we give out class lists.
Most parents sort out their own WhatsApp groups (which is a whole different circle of hell).

So glad you stopped being a mug! What was the parents’ reaction?

Thanks @Peterbread and @mainsfed

Thanks for answering the earlier post for me. I went to but felt I didn't have to explain myself as it was clear who was the problem in my scenario and it WASN'T ME!

I'm embarrassed to admit I allowed her to take me for a mug for so long but I guess you learn and I had to reach a point where I felt no shame in walking away. How do you think it feels seeing post after post of 'my boys with their besties' and mine was never included? Yet everytime she wanted something my son was their bestie. I cant count the number I times I was asked to have both boys for a few nights. Now in my world that is something that is offered, not requested. So much went on which I am embarrassed about because at the end of the day I WAS TEACHING MY SON TO LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR KINDNESS. And setting him up to be walked over! My son already has alot of difficulties so it is my job as his Mum to make sure I'm not raising him in a way that will add to them.

The Mum just drifted on to others, and then the next and next. Constantly flaunting this 'amazing life' they are living, and how she has dropped certain people from her life for allegedly disturbing her peace (probably because she has no one to ask to take the boys now for 3 day sleepovers! Lol). I will hear from her occasionally to tell me how much her one son (the one who I did consider his bestie) cries from my son all the time, and I will be honest it does make me feel sad if true. I've had my son ask me why he isn't coming round when he is so upset so I've made a point of inviting him so my son can hear that i am asking. He understands that I am not the problem. But it led me on nicely to tell him that if people treat you like the Mum treated me did you walk away. She one million percent excluded my child and took advantage the boys friendship to benefit herself. But lesson learned, I won't be doing it ever again

But according to one parent the “rule” is everyone had to be invited. So if you don’t invited the bully, according to that school you’re not allowed to have any of your friends at your party.

You don’t turn your kids into people pleasers by rushing out invites on the back of a non invite!

Absolutely I would be ‘policing’ a young child’s friendships and ensuring she isn’t being bullied, left out or struggling. There is no way I would just leave her to it. I would carefully monitor what was happening and expect my child to be open and honest about her feelings with Emma. It is up to Emma and her mother to repair the damage if they wish, and if they are not interested in doing so I would strongly encourage my child to make new friends that care about her.

I am sick and tired of this wet parenting that anyone can hurt your child, they just have to suck it up and keep inviting said kid! It’s Dobby parenting raising children with zero resilience, self esteem and boundaries.

What a terrible legacy to give your child, let them stand up for themselves, be authentic and take control of their friendships and seek good self esteem. It’s okay to choose other friends if the ones you have don’t value you or don’t wish to invest in the friendship. No drama required!

I don’t see what they could do about it if you arrange the party outside of school but I can see why teachers are unwilling to give out invitations to every child bar one in the class. Parents who want to do that in order to upset a child are more of a bully than the child they’re excluding imo. No child talks to everyone in the class bar one.

If you teach your child how to properly manage themselves you won’t need to involve teachers/school. Unless you know it is bullying, and is on going.

Oh can we please stop with the lets all be / raise arseholes in the name of feminism. 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

There are a small fraction of mothers that micro manage their children’s connections and try to manoeuvre them into certain sets and friendships, even in this case your child is likely to be damaged in this situation. They will still need to focus on other friendships so they are not further hurt by the non invitees, distancing etc. They may grow to believe it is something wrong with them if they are repeatedly left out of celebrations. It can be permanently damaging. If she is a social climbing mother you will have to protect your child from that. It’s also important to consider it may be a mistake/oversight and no ill intent whatsoever.