No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

[helpMeWritethis]

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

Sorry, but it’s clear that the problem here is YOU.

Being kind shouldn’t be seen as a transactional experience. You desperately want you and your son to be liked so go overboard with your generosity but because you don’t want to risk any negative feedback, you avoid any sort of confrontation like the plague.

What are you teaching your child?
To run away and avoid people if things aren’t reciprocated?

Raising an issue that’s bothering you doesn’t have to result in an angry confrontation. I think you need to learn how to be more assertive if something is bothering you and also to accept that not everyone will like you and that’s ok too.

Also, those boys are unlikely to have much control in how their parents organise activities so it’s extremely mean to exclude them for their parents perceived failings. I was never invited to parties or play dates probably because no-one was ever invited to our house in my entire childhood. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum struggled to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. She felt too ashamed to invite anyone round.

I don’t know how they police it but yes it’s in the school rules. No leaving one or two kids out of a whole class party or a split sex party (ie 11 girls in the class and only 9 are invited). I assume if it’s found out the school will speak to the parents.

It’s a small religious school and has absolutely fantastic pastoral care and atmosphere (despite cliques that inevitably happen) and as the parent of an ND child who struggles with friendships I’m extremely grateful for such a rule.

the fact so many of you think it’s ok to exclude one or two kids truly speaks volumes.

Yes it was the same when mine were having parties, it was only a few years ago! Parents still dropped and ran as there were invariably the party parents/family members and a party host, and no reason for random parents to be hanging around like spare pricks!

If the children are good friends at school I'd say it's likely the mum has chosen not to invite her. This could be for any number of reasons.
The 'party' might be just 2 or 3 girls coming for tea/an activity and the girls' mums are parent's friends.
You say you are socially awkward. Maybe if it's a small affair and parent's are staying this will change the vibe.
You also say your daughter is the opposite of you. Could it be that what you think of as extraverted and spirited is actually a bit 'wild' and the mum thinks your daughter will be a bit of a handful?

Don't ring to ask about the party. Start dropping hints to your daughter that you might not be able to go anyway because that's the date you're going cinema/seaside/picnic/cousins etc....its not for a while so how about inviting Emma over for a playmate then feeding back to mum how the girls played nicely and had a lovely time.

Appreciate your opinion @ShinyShite

Agreed 80s parties held at home were fun but inviting the whole class wasn’t my experience at all. I vividly remember the class teacher calling out names to hand out invites and really hoping I would get one. I rarely did ☹️

"yes text the mum a very bland message specifically asking. “Hi, hope you’re well. My daughter mentioned that XX told her she is having a party next weekend for all the girls in the class and that you’d be able to provide details. Just wanted to check date and time to make sure [my daughter] is free.”........

Bloody hell NOOOOOO, don't ever do this!!!!
And the teacher has fuck all to do with supervising party invites, get a grip!

Yep, a case of rose tinted specs there, I’d say.
Definitely no all class party invites here either. I only remember going to one birthday party in my entire childhood and that was a girl who lived on my street. She completely ignored me when we went to secondary school. 😂

"all the girls in the class" usually translates to about three or four in the class.

Confronting the mother in question or demanding the school take action is not the way to go. We need to support our children and help them to be resilient to life's disappointments and setbacks.

Not doing so is setting a child up for a lifetime of disappointment and confrontation. In years to come, are you going to march into the admissions office of a university if your DD is not offered a place? Or march into HR, if your DD is not offered a graduate programme?

For all we know, the child told EVERYONE they were getting an invitation, when there wasn't even a party!

I've seen this happen previously. In that situation, all parents were friends. It became a standing joke.

Kids talk a lot of rubbish at times.

I'm thinking same. Also can boys not be friends with girls too?! Absolutely hate competitive party planning for kids. Straight round to Julia's in Motherland.....

I'm thinking same. Also can boys not be friends with girls too?! Absolutely hate competitive party planning for kids. Straight round to Julia's in Motherland.....

I agree I had the opposite way round to this thread too. I actually felt bad and pretended that the invitation had been mislaid.

You haven’t read my message or the one it quoted properly.

Inviting 5 is totally different to inviting 10 boys from a class of 30 without even considering to check if that excludes just one boy (which is highly possible in that scenario). I think missing out just one child and claiming it’s due to numbers is really unkind and I would never want to model that behaviour to my children.

But - while we always invited all the boys in the infant years, that might not be possible for many families. DS1’s class had 19 boys and 11 girls - so inviting 10 would not have meant only excluding one or two.

Why didn't you teach your child to invite who she wanted, rather than let her be led by what A and B wanted?!

There's no virtue in teaching her to be a satellite that revolves around the sun radiated from more important beings 🤷🏻‍♀️
Btw, calling someone to tell them their daughter didn't "make the cut" to your dd's extravaganza (as dictated by someone other than your dd!) is a dickish thing to do.

As hard as it is to see your child upset my advice from many years of primary experience is unless you want to be known for being slightly unhinged under no circumstances text the mum!!!
It may be that every other girl isn’t invited, just the ones your child has asked or maybe she has been excluded due to being mean or some perceived slight from the birthday childs perspective (I don’t agree with parents doing this btw as whatever a child has done the adult excluding is the bigger bully, no child is good friends with every boy/girl in the class bar one and no reason other than point scoring not to have a smaller party with actual friends).
Kids aren’t going to go to every party for a variety of reasons - being out of favour, cost etc and the earlier they understand the better imo. Take your dd out to do something nice and don’t make an issue of it.

Regard whole class invite,NO I don't invite whole class, why invite kids who are mean and boorish?
The last time I did whole class was reception and I only did that as a one off.
My kid doesn’t have to include the class bully or the kid they’re indifferent about. Parents can and do invite whom they wish and in my children class there are some unkind mean kids and frankly they’re not invited, I don’t offer any explanation because I don’t have to

DGM used to tell us a story of what happened in 1925 as a lesson in invitation etiquette.

She was 9 years old, lived in a village, and all the children attended the village school. A girl was having a birthday party, told all the girls they could go, verbally but no actual invitation. DGM told her mother she was invited and turned up with a present to the party. It turned out she wasn't invited. The girls mother had spoken to other mothers specifically and invited a few to her tea party.

DGM was turned away abruptly, humiliated, and with a lesson learnt. Children are not reliable and say things without adult input. No official invitation with rspv, no party.

She was turned away?? I'm not sure the lesson there was what you think it is 😳

She was, she wasn't invited, so she was sent home. Obviously upsetting her at the time, but she never made the mistake of taking young children's words as gospel. As children, we knew unless the parents invited, it wasn't an invitation.

As the party in the thread has happened, it's moot point now but, a 'Ava invited Poppy to her party, has she got the wrong end of the stick?' Would clear up misunderstanding.

Nah, she wants her son to have a birthday party that he'll enjoy, with children there who he actually likes. That's fair enough.

Yeah don't do this. You can't just barge your way into a party that you weren't invite it to.

Escalate it 😂😂 if you go to the teacher and then 'escalate it' you'll just look really silly and entitled that your child has to be invited to every single event that's held. Kids tell porkies. The 'whole class' probably wasn't invited.

OP, I know it's not nice. I'd do the same as PP said. Keep it breezy and text about a play date and maybe explain to your DD that we don't all always get invited to things. That's life!

Sorry I don’t think it is the schools job to dictate the sort of parties a child can have. That’s ridiculous. And if they aren’t policing it it can’t be a rule, just suggested guidance.

Parties can be expensive. Having a high enough adult to child ratio can potentially be a challenge for big numbers. The kid might have fifteen cousins to accommodate before they even start to think about kids in the class. A kid shouldnt be forced to invite the kid that relentlessly bullies them to their own party because the school says that’s the rule. It’s bugger all to do with the school what scenario the parents choose.

Genuine bullying should be called out but this post does not suggest it’s a bullying scenario. We dont know all the background but if, For example, If the venue is only a max of ten kids the kid has to choose ten kids whether or not they would like to choose eleven. It’s life. Someone is kid eleven.

@HarrietJet Interesting you assume my child is a girl. Maybe you don't have the relationship with your child's friends that I do. And if you'd read it properly, you'd realise it was because the kids had had a falling out so I was actually telling the Mum that I thought theirs would be invited once they'd made up, so basically giving them an invite.

My child HAS two sets of friends who oddly don't get on. They haven't for ten years. Party invites tended to alternate between Group A or B. We did do a massive party where both Groups were invited. I'm sorry that you think I should control how my child makes friends.

Very cruel just to leave out one or two of all class or girls/boys