No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

[helpMeWritethis]

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

My DS had a best friend. They were inseparable. I treated his friend (and his brother) like they were mine. They would stay for days on end, they never wanted to go home! I took them on days out, did the school runs that were dropped on me last minute. Even when coming for dinner I always made it a big thing as they loved it. I'd put on little events for them at christmas and easter and themed nights which they absolutely loved. If I took one brother I would get a crying phonecall from the other asking if he can come too. Everyone told me I was doing too much but all I saw was happy boys and my son having the best times.

I noticed my son was getting nothing in return (not that I am saying it was expected) but nothing. No sleepovers, after school playtime, party invites, days out, no birthday cards or presents, no offer to help with school runs. NOTHING! I was FULLY being taken advantage of! And I'm embarrassed to say I continued to allow it for a while as I didn't want to let the boys down, but seeing all these other children getting exactly what I was doing for the boys (via oversharer on SM) and my son was clearly being excluded I detached fully. And I mean literally everything I did, even down to the meals I put on were being replicated for other children but my son wasn't allowed in their home.
As much as I wanted to confront the Mum, I didn't want the confrontation so I just drifted away and stopped doing anything.
I sometimes feel guilty as I'm sure the boys may wonder why I don't do anything any more and we barely talk but NO ONE was going to make my son feel left out and keep asking why hasn't been asked.

It's absolutely horrible excluding a child

Thankfully it definitely wasn’t a ‘thing’ when my children were at primary . Drop off and run was normal and better for everyone involved!

One small thing to pick up on, you said you’re socially awkward but your daughter isn’t. Followed by she isn’t invited to parties. I think you need to consider that she possibly is socially awkward or having some difficulties. By year 4 parties have shifted from all girl, whole class to much more specific friends. It’s unlikely that all the girls were invited and whilst it’s lovely your daughter is inviting everyone by year she should have a clear group of friends.

Re the situation this weekend. We’ve been on the other side. I received a message that basically said “hi. This is so awkward but A has come home saying B has invited her to her party. Don’t worry at all if she’s got the wrong end of the stick but I wanted to check in case I had missed an invite or something”. That’s a fine message to send should it happen again.

Also, your child approaching mum. That is not ok. At all.

Oh god class parties , they probably aren't that close., my child hated having to invite someone who was nasty to her. We stopped doing class parties and she just invites her 2 closest friends to an extra special day out with sleepover.

Glad you decided not to text the mum. I've found once they reach year 2 the whole class parties stop and smaller more expensive activities start. Funnily my Y1 child did exactly the same thing this weekend, he came home on friday and said x is having her party this weekend and invited me today, I just said "no you haven't, you haven't got an invite and it's clearly not a whole class party". He then said "will you text her mum and ask her when it is", "no, you weren't invited". End of story no more mention of it, I'd actually forgot about it until replying to this. Happens a lot, kids have a party with only a few invited but in the days before they tell other kids they can come, I guess because they are excited. I just ignore when they come home telling me this, I certainly wouldn't be sending awkward messages.

Have you ever thought the child is doing the bullying? One made my DDs life hell and was aghast at having to invite her to her own special party. We stopped doing them.

You sound lovely! I did the same and invited the whole class. I was so upset my dd was left out of two parties! I get not being invited to boys parties but there’s only about 13/14 in a class girls. I wouldn’t bother arranging a play date take your daughter somewhere nice and have fun! Spend the money on her xx

I'd have had a quick check text situation on the Friday if you thought they were very good friends. Otherwise you just leave these things be. I once told a Mum that their DD seemingly hadn't made "the cut" for mine's party which had really surprised me but I'd let them know 😂 Sure enough, they made up and that DD ended up at the party. I always felt I almost needed to send out save the date, your child had made my child's shortlist for birthday party invitees. Apparently it was often due to warring factions in class. So whilst mine wanted to invite A, this meant they couldn't invite B, but if A couldn't come then B could and vice versa. But if B came, then we'd also have to invite C... A was frequently on holiday but actually if A could come, often this altered the entire invite list to reflect that friendship group rather than B's...

Utter rubbish, if the child doesn’t want certain children at her party it has nothing to do with the school!

Nevertheless some schools do have rules around this

”all the girls in the class” bar one isn’t a cap on numbers it’s bullying. This is actually not allowed at my kids’ school - it’s in the school rules.

Chances are pretty huge it's not all the girls in the class though-the amount of times we've had really small parties and sons have come home saying they told x or y they could come when I told them we didn't have the money to have a big party. Or the amount of times they told us that everyone was going to x and there was about five people going when we asked round. It seems to kids like everyone is going, in the same way everyone has phones apparently until you realise there's three people in the class who only have them because of emergencies.

Nevertheless some schools do have rules around this
We got a note home saying there had been some drama (not the diplomatic word they used!) because a child wasn't invited to a party and could people please speak to their kids and tell them not to discuss parties in school and can all party discussions and invites to be outside of school time or property. I thought it was well done, I've had people run up to kids my children are playing with and give them invites while ds and other kids look on hopefully. I always rang the parents myself or made sure I took them aside before or after school when others weren't around

I don't think it is a kind thing to do of this other mum, but no, you can't message her, asking why she hasn't invited your DD, no matter how diplomatically you put it.

If you can, plan something special for DD and you the same day of the party.

At some point parties do get smaller and people do get left off. It's possible that this was just a small party and your daughter saying "everyone" was going did not actually mean the whole class, just that it seemed to her like it was.

She'd need a time machine.

Dear god. That stopped in Kindergarten here. Kids have their parents stick around until they are ten? Completely unnecessary!

Mustardchickensandwiches
Your all very precious about your little darlings missing out.

Gosh -you sound all heart! Have you read your post back to yourself?

PS I think you mean 'You're all very precious..."

You're welcome!

It's not bullying. Bullying is when it's repetitive and targeted with the intention to upset.

Unless the OP gives more details, this isn't bullying.

Actually the OP said it.

“im going ahead with my daughters party next month and will be inviting the whole class. It’s really cruel to leave kids out.”

Inviting a whole primary class to a party seems ridiculously OTT and a bit show offy in my opinion. I just hope the OP has lots of adults helping out.

No-one I know has ever done a whole class party. It’s just not the done thing around here. Most people invite cousins and other family friends so usually only invite a handful of school friends.

The invitations handed out at school, the party talked about at school before and after ….. how could this ever be anything but bullying? Weaponising a birthday? Shame on any parents and schools that enable this
Bullying is a bit strong!!!!! It’s thoughtless but is rife around the subject of birthdays where common sense seems to go out the window!!!

In my area it would be polite to check that the host will look after your child if you were to drop and run in the younger end of primary. Being the party child's parent usually came with sorting the party out regarding entertainment, food, drink, cake, party bags and decorating before, then cleaning after. It didn't usually come with a free childcare option; parents were expected to stay and support their child until they were old enough to be left on their own and could handle their own emotions if they didn't win a prize.

From a safeguarding POV I wouldn't have left my 4/5/6 year old with adults I didn't know well.

she does not have to invite all 30 kids if the part if for her sons close friends. I’m not sure where all this you must invite my child to your party entitlement is coming from. It was a small party for her sons closest 10 friends so the other mIm sending a text asking for an invite was ridiculous and cringy.

once my daughters birthday party was to take her close 5 friends to a concert, it would have been too expensive trying to invite 30 kids and 1 parent to the concert and frankly had no desire to chaperone thag many kids so she picked her closest 5 friends. If another parent sent me text saying she was expecting her invite that would be clingy and entitled.

I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited.

It must be hurtful to be experiencing this but these two statements don’t really go together. Are you having a full class party because your daughter doesn’t really have a group of friends? This is the angle I’d go down rather than anything about a specific party. If she’s struggling socially is there anything the school could do to facilitate mixing with different groups?

You sound like a nasty piece of work