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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...upset teenage daughter. Help!

121 replies

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 16:59

So we went out to the shops today. I had my 3 dc and they went off to look by themselves to spend their money (13,11).

I was about to reach the till when my elder daughter came over and was crying.
I asked her what had happened and she said this man had shouted and sworn at her in the shop.
I was a bit perplexed and so went after the man who was with his daughter and wife/partner.
I asked them why he'd been shouting at my daughter and his wife said that her group of friends had been picking on their daughter. I was really upset about it and not sure exactly what had happened and apologised telling them I'd deal with it and talk to her when we got home.
I've told my children that if I hear they are bullying anyone, I'll give the other child all their pocket money so I went up to them again and gave some money to the daughter saying that is what I'd agreed to do. She thanked me and kept it and I walked away.

Daughter has been crying her eyes out since. Apparently, it's one girl in her friendship group being mean to this girl and this man has shouted at her before walking home.
She said she'd gone outside the shop afterwards to the car and they were waiting outside for her and the man was pointing and looking at her. She said she felt very intimidated.

My other daughter also heard this man shouting at my eldest although she didn't hear exactly what was said.

On the one hand, I think my daughter has been taught a lesson and I have told her that even if she didn't bully this girl, it's shown her how bullying and being friends with bullies can get her into trouble and that as a parent I'd probably be angry too.
On the other hand my daughter is upset because I didn't stand up for her in the shop (I have explained I didn't really understand what had gone on at that point and I'd just understood he'd told her off for bullying his daughter). And I also think the way the dad went about it was wrong.
A grown man shouting and swearing at a 13 year old on her own in the shop is really not the way to go about it. Even so, I understand his anger at the daughter being picked on.
My daughter is adament she has not picked on this girl and it's her 'friend' who seems to be the one bullying in that group. She's said that same girl is mean to people in that friendship group as well.

I live in quite a rough area and I work at the local school but I don't know what I should have/can do now.

OP posts:

LisaD1 · 13/05/2023 17:01

The lesson you taught your daughter is she can’t depend on you. You didn’t even get her version of events before deciding the man was right. Poor girl.

Boomboom22 · 13/05/2023 17:02

So you think your daughter might be a bully? Bit extreme to agree with the other people.
My eldest can be a dick but you can better believe I'll back him over a stranger then ask questions after about the accusations. And I'm a teacher too.

Pearfacebananapoop · 13/05/2023 17:03

I can understand being taken aback but why didn't you talk to your daughter first?
Yes it may teach her a lesson about who she hangs around with but it also teaches her strange men can shout at her and her mum won't protect her. Not great. As for the money - that's just weird! I think you need to get to the bottom of it entirely and apologise to your daughter.

Pinkflipflop85 · 13/05/2023 17:03

You gave them money?!

This can't be real!

FionnulaTheCooler · 13/05/2023 17:04

You took the other parent's side before you even spoke to your daughter? I can see why she's upset. The man sounds like a horrible bully, shouting and swearing at a 13 year old girl.

Boomboom22 · 13/05/2023 17:05

Also nowadays there's a lot of people say they are being picked on. Before accepting this I would want to know what the other kid does. Are they being called names after doing nasty things? Sometimes a bit of darvo goes on and kids who actually are the dick think they are being bullied, when actually you can't expect people to like you if you are mean to them yourself.

Boomboom22 · 13/05/2023 17:06

You taught her that strange men can accuse her of things and you believe them over her, a classmate over her.
As a teacher you should know it's not as simple as bully and bullied anyway. Especially if you are not secure in a group!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/05/2023 17:07

I feel so sorry for your daughter :( you took a strangers' word as gospel and instead of comforting her, you gave away her money!

I think you owe her a massive apology here. I honestly can't believe you've behaved that way.

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 17:08

I would genuinely have struggled to forgive or trust my mother had she ever done something like this. She’s not going to forget this one.

pinkyredrose · 13/05/2023 17:09

You gave the girl your daughter's money?

snowmanshoes · 13/05/2023 17:10

What??? You didn’t even ask your daughter her side or why?

Rumplestrumpet · 13/05/2023 17:11

You discovered a grown man shouted and swore at your daughter and so, er, gave HIS daughter YOUR daughter's pocket money?!? What on earth were you thinking?!?!

Please work on restoring trust with your daughter

Appleass · 13/05/2023 17:11

What an awful experience your daughter has had today, from a grown adult, and the person she is supposed to trust the most! Why didn't you just go home and speak to her instead of humiliating her like that. She will probably never forget or forgive you for this.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2023 17:13

I'm struggling to imagine how you think what you've done is in any way reasonable.

Your poor daughter.

Inkpotlover · 13/05/2023 17:13

Wow, you didn't give your DD even a second to explain and you handed over her money, showing her you thought she was guilty? No wonder she's upset. You need to work damn hard to show her you are sorry for throwing her under the bus.

Yerroblemom1923 · 13/05/2023 17:14

What is this madness?? You don't seem to be able to keep track of your kids.

Original poster

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:17

My daughter went to another aisle to buy stuff. She's 13!

OP posts:

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 17:17

I don’t think I’ve actually seen a Mumsnet thread that has topped this one in terms of well and truly fucking over your own kid in an attempt to prove virtuosity.

fridaytwattery · 13/05/2023 17:17

What's done is done. You've reacted in the moment and need to take a step back and think objectively. What out come do you want from this?

I think though you need to have a sit down and talk through with your DD and apologise if you think you did the wrong thing and explain why. I'd also ask how your DD is feeling about how you reacted.

As to the bullying, being a bystander can be just as bad as being a bully to those on the receiving end. DD can hopefully recognise this and try and distance herself from the bully. I would flag what happened with school so they are aware and can keep an eye on the group, pre-empt any fall-out from this and support your DD in moving away from the bully whilst in school.

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 17:19

fridaytwattery · 13/05/2023 17:17

What's done is done. You've reacted in the moment and need to take a step back and think objectively. What out come do you want from this?

I think though you need to have a sit down and talk through with your DD and apologise if you think you did the wrong thing and explain why. I'd also ask how your DD is feeling about how you reacted.

Yeah…I don’t think she’s going to be so inclined to take lessons from a mother that just did this to her.

strawberry2017 · 13/05/2023 17:19

You were wrong here OP, you haven't given your daughter your trust.
Yes she might have done something but it's highly unlikely she has when their were adults around.
You have shown her she can't rely on you.

riotlady · 13/05/2023 17:20

Your poor DD! A strange man yells at her in a shop and your first instinct is to believe him without any further investigation and give his daughter money???

VimFuego101 · 13/05/2023 17:20

I can't even imagine how alone your DD feels right now knowing that her own mother doesn't have her back. Regardless of whether she bullied the other girl or not, you publically took someone else's side against her and humiliated her in public without even hearing her side of the story.

MrsRandom123 · 13/05/2023 17:20

you are beyond unreasonable. Not only did you not back your daughter you didn’t even find out her side first but gave her money away - the the kid of a grown man who shouted at her? Good luck having a relationship with her in the future.

you should know your daughter - if mine was shouted at by a man i’d go nuts especially if she told me she was innocent. I’d trust my daughter until i had reason to believe otherwise (then deal with anything else accordingly) if this is genuine then i feel sorry for your daughter. 13 year old girls sadly bitch & talk about others & your daughter may be friends with someone who does it but it doesn’t make her a bully or necessarily make her friend a bully. You only have the word of a grown man happy to shout & swear at teenage girls in public & to believe that over your own daughter says a lot.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2023 17:20

A grown man shouting and swearing at a 13 year old on her own in the shop is really not the way to go about it. Even so, I understand his anger at the daughter being picked on.

Your DD might have been involved in bullying. This man was definitely bullying. Shouting at a 13 yo! And you gave his DD your DD's money?

I assume this is some made-up thing or some awful story from your childhood. Because if it's not, your poor DD. Shouted at by a grown man, crying, humiliated and lost her money? Wow.

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