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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...upset teenage daughter. Help!

121 replies

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 16:59

So we went out to the shops today. I had my 3 dc and they went off to look by themselves to spend their money (13,11).

I was about to reach the till when my elder daughter came over and was crying.
I asked her what had happened and she said this man had shouted and sworn at her in the shop.
I was a bit perplexed and so went after the man who was with his daughter and wife/partner.
I asked them why he'd been shouting at my daughter and his wife said that her group of friends had been picking on their daughter. I was really upset about it and not sure exactly what had happened and apologised telling them I'd deal with it and talk to her when we got home.
I've told my children that if I hear they are bullying anyone, I'll give the other child all their pocket money so I went up to them again and gave some money to the daughter saying that is what I'd agreed to do. She thanked me and kept it and I walked away.

Daughter has been crying her eyes out since. Apparently, it's one girl in her friendship group being mean to this girl and this man has shouted at her before walking home.
She said she'd gone outside the shop afterwards to the car and they were waiting outside for her and the man was pointing and looking at her. She said she felt very intimidated.

My other daughter also heard this man shouting at my eldest although she didn't hear exactly what was said.

On the one hand, I think my daughter has been taught a lesson and I have told her that even if she didn't bully this girl, it's shown her how bullying and being friends with bullies can get her into trouble and that as a parent I'd probably be angry too.
On the other hand my daughter is upset because I didn't stand up for her in the shop (I have explained I didn't really understand what had gone on at that point and I'd just understood he'd told her off for bullying his daughter). And I also think the way the dad went about it was wrong.
A grown man shouting and swearing at a 13 year old on her own in the shop is really not the way to go about it. Even so, I understand his anger at the daughter being picked on.
My daughter is adament she has not picked on this girl and it's her 'friend' who seems to be the one bullying in that group. She's said that same girl is mean to people in that friendship group as well.

I live in quite a rough area and I work at the local school but I don't know what I should have/can do now.

OP posts:
HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 17:21

You gave their daughter money??

Cherry8809 · 13/05/2023 17:24

You didn’t even wait to listen to her side of the story, or hear her out.
Instead you immediately took the side of the other party AND gave them your daughters money.

YABVU and I’m not at all surprised your daughter is upset with you.

CheersForThatEh · 13/05/2023 17:24

I think you acted before you thought it through. Apologise for being impulsive and give her back the money. It was ridiculous to give her money away on the spot without the full understanding of the situation or prior warning.

Ask her how she thinks you feel about the bullying allegation and how she thinks it should all be handled.

FoxCorner · 13/05/2023 17:24

If the man has repeatedly shouted at your dd, that indicates that the girl has said it is your dd bullying her, not someone else in the group. Your dd is bound to say its someone else.

LakeTiticaca · 13/05/2023 17:26

I agree with the PPs. I would have allowed my daughter to explain that someone in her group is allegedly bullying this man's daughter. Then I would have warned the the man in no uncertain terms that intimidating a 13 year old girl is unacceptable.

I sure wouldn't have given my daughters money away.
Your poor daughter no wonder she was upset!!

Irritateandunreasonable · 13/05/2023 17:27

You should just like my Mum.

I fucking hate her these days.

If you carry on parenting like this you’ll lose your kids when they are older.

Even if you daughter WAS bullying another child it’s your responsibility to find out why your daughter is so incredibly unhappy that’s she acting out like that and do what you can do to help her and teach her about her emotions and how to process and deal with them.

You completely threw her under the bus without even talking to her, please find a way of being there for her daughter, punishment by humiliation isn’t the most productive.

FoxCorner · 13/05/2023 17:27

People who bully always say that it was someone else or that the person being bullied deserved it as they were mean. Doesn't mean its true

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 17:27

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 17:17

I don’t think I’ve actually seen a Mumsnet thread that has topped this one in terms of well and truly fucking over your own kid in an attempt to prove virtuosity.

This.

What a truly epic fail.

Unbelievable.

Your poor daughter.

neonjumper · 13/05/2023 17:28

Unbelievable... you gave your daughters money to another child who alleges they are being bullied?

She turned to you for support when an adult intimidated and harassed and you showed her she will never be a priority !

Shocking response from you !

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 17:30

CheersForThatEh · 13/05/2023 17:24

I think you acted before you thought it through. Apologise for being impulsive and give her back the money. It was ridiculous to give her money away on the spot without the full understanding of the situation or prior warning.

Ask her how she thinks you feel about the bullying allegation and how she thinks it should all be handled.

Even with an apology and a return of the money, it’s very likely the damage is done.

This is the type of shit someone won’t forget, the type that absolutely can have long lasting repercussions. She’s just learned that she can neither trust nor depend upon her mother to protect her and have her back, and in fact her mother will step in and compound the public humiliation she felt. I would neither trust nor respect a parent who did that to me.

Slow clap, OP. Slow clap.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2023 17:30

@Ihaveadifferentnamebecause coming back or buggered off? There's no point anyone commenting if it's the second.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2023 17:32

FoxCorner · 13/05/2023 17:27

People who bully always say that it was someone else or that the person being bullied deserved it as they were mean. Doesn't mean its true

A grown man shouting at a 13 yo girl IS bullying. So no matter what DD did, and I would investigate, she needs backed up. In the moment. No decent grown man would do this.

Original poster
Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:34

Yes, I did fail really badly. We've had a chat when we got home and I've apologised for not thinking straight. I've asked her what we can about it so we are discussing that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2023 17:30

@Ihaveadifferentnamebecause coming back or buggered off? There's no point anyone commenting if it's the second.

I wrote this about 10 minutes ago!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2023 17:35

This is the kind of thread that goes wrong quickly. Just asking.

GalileoHumpkins · 13/05/2023 17:36

So basically, you paid them for shouting and swearing at your daughter? The only lesson your daughter has learnt is that you won't stand up for her and believe me that's not something she'll ever forget.

Inkpotlover · 13/05/2023 17:36

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:34

Yes, I did fail really badly. We've had a chat when we got home and I've apologised for not thinking straight. I've asked her what we can about it so we are discussing that.

Giving her her money back would be a start.

Original poster
Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:38

I think I reacted really badly during the moment.
Saying that my daughter won't trust me again is a bit full on though.

I have apologised and explained why I reacted this way.

OP posts:
Cookiemonstersnana · 13/05/2023 17:38

What a horrible mum you have been today.
You didn't even get your daughter's version.

Original poster
Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:39

I did not take money off her. I had money in my own purse to give the girl. She still has her money. If I'd found out she had been bullying, it would have been next week's.

OP posts:
HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 17:41

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:38

I think I reacted really badly during the moment.
Saying that my daughter won't trust me again is a bit full on though.

I have apologised and explained why I reacted this way.

But you don't have any valid reason for acting this way.
You seem quite unrepentant, though 🤷🏻‍♀️ What possessed you?

Original poster
Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:41

Thanks for the replies.

I know I'm an awful mother so let's just leave it there.

I have bad anxiety from medical issues at the moment so don't think I can stay in this thread ( and no it's not an excuse).

Many thanks

OP posts:
Fairowing · 13/05/2023 17:42

Your DDs name has been mentioned by a victim of bullying at school. Not “X is bullying me and she’s friends with the following people (including your DD.)”

Your DD was involved in bullying, stand your ground, OP. Having one instalment of pocket money taken away (which you warned you would do) should only be the start. Don’t coddle her, get a decent and honest account and take her to the school with you and get her to report the bullying. Only then can you know how blameless she is.

HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 17:42

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:39

I did not take money off her. I had money in my own purse to give the girl. She still has her money. If I'd found out she had been bullying, it would have been next week's.

Nonsense 🙄

Paperlate · 13/05/2023 17:42

Bloody hell. I hope this is made up.