...upset teenage daughter. Help!

[Ihaveadifferentnamebecause]

So we went out to the shops today. I had my 3 dc and they went off to look by themselves to spend their money (13,11).

I was about to reach the till when my elder daughter came over and was crying.
I asked her what had happened and she said this man had shouted and sworn at her in the shop.
I was a bit perplexed and so went after the man who was with his daughter and wife/partner.
I asked them why he'd been shouting at my daughter and his wife said that her group of friends had been picking on their daughter. I was really upset about it and not sure exactly what had happened and apologised telling them I'd deal with it and talk to her when we got home.
I've told my children that if I hear they are bullying anyone, I'll give the other child all their pocket money so I went up to them again and gave some money to the daughter saying that is what I'd agreed to do. She thanked me and kept it and I walked away.

Daughter has been crying her eyes out since. Apparently, it's one girl in her friendship group being mean to this girl and this man has shouted at her before walking home.
She said she'd gone outside the shop afterwards to the car and they were waiting outside for her and the man was pointing and looking at her. She said she felt very intimidated.

My other daughter also heard this man shouting at my eldest although she didn't hear exactly what was said.

On the one hand, I think my daughter has been taught a lesson and I have told her that even if she didn't bully this girl, it's shown her how bullying and being friends with bullies can get her into trouble and that as a parent I'd probably be angry too.
On the other hand my daughter is upset because I didn't stand up for her in the shop (I have explained I didn't really understand what had gone on at that point and I'd just understood he'd told her off for bullying his daughter). And I also think the way the dad went about it was wrong.
A grown man shouting and swearing at a 13 year old on her own in the shop is really not the way to go about it. Even so, I understand his anger at the daughter being picked on.
My daughter is adament she has not picked on this girl and it's her 'friend' who seems to be the one bullying in that group. She's said that same girl is mean to people in that friendship group as well.

I live in quite a rough area and I work at the local school but I don't know what I should have/can do now.

Hilarious all the people on here carrying on about bullying and yet think its fine to repeatedly kick OP when she's clearly feeling awful.

It's not the end of the world OP she'll get over it, keep talking with her and look into the bullying on both sides. It's done now, stop beating yourself up and ignore the posters who feel the need to repeatedly put the boot in.

People are responding to her post and telling her what they think. That a lot of people disagree with what she did, and state that, does not mean she’s being bullied.

telling her with a complete confidence (that you do not in fact possess) that her daughter will get over isn’t going to do op any favors. Like it or not this is the type of thing that can have serious long lasting repercussions on a relationship, and it’s probably not going to be something the daughter forgets.

WTF have I just read. Are you bonkers? Your poor daughter. She will learn never to rely on you. You owe her a massive apology

I wouldn’t have done what OP has done either, (I hope).

But I would be raging, at the daughter, on so many fronts. Regardless of any interaction with Furious Dad by the age of 13 kids absolutely know the impact and consequences of bullying.

And to be honest, any attempt at deflecting blame would not down like a bucket of cold sick with me.
It’s quite simple in life to only do and say stuff you are prepared to stand by. OP’s daughter has not learned that yet, so any attempt to make her mother take responsibility for her actions will have to be not worth the effort of trying.

first thing would be a phone call to the parents of the child she is shifting the blame onto. With an open and honest discussion with the girls and adults around the one table.

I'm not sure what you think posters are doing wrong. She posted on MN to get opinions on how she should handle things now. Yes, people have responded in the negative, but it's in support of her daughter.

Who says blame is actually being deflected? You’re taking the allegations of the man as fact, when according to OP’s daughter it’s a case of mutual unpleasantness. We don’t actually know what the situation is, and neither does OP. The first response should have been to protect her child from an aggressive man, THEN work on establishing facts.

Instead she threw her distressed child under a bus based on allegations alone.

The OP titles their thread with the word Help! and lots of PPs do the opposite of helping the OP.

Aw I think you've learned a life lesson here and good for you for apologising to your daughter. Just make sure she knows how you feel, that you felt intimidated and you should have stood up for her and you won't let her down again. But you now have to explore everything. Good luck x

I guess that's AIBU for you @Ihaveadifferentnamebecause

Support can be short shrift on this part of MN, it's more like a debate/discussion area. Best off finding the Teenage board or parenting board for support in future.

Agree. And those saying her daughter will never forgive her - ridiculous.

We do know that the child making the allegations has obviously repeatedly being talking about this at home.

We do know that OP’s daughter admits to being part of a group that includes at least one bully.

We do know that OP’s daughter has not said anything at home about it being mutual.

We do know that OP’s daughter didn’t stand up to the bully in her group.

We do know that OP’s daughter has not indicated any level of injustice.

For me the only thing we don’t know is whether blaming the friend is a tactic because she knows her own actions don’t stand up to any scrutiny at all.

my inference from all that is- she needs bringing back into line, ideally by her own parents, but with the knowledge that other children’s parents won’t have endless patience or sympathy for her.

Well done OP, parents are human and owning our mistakes is great modeling.

What this man did is wrong, but is it the actions of a man at the end of his tether from his daughter being bullied?

I think you need to have a really frank conversation with her about her friends and her behaviour.

If she is bullying this girl or standing by while its being done, then she needs to be told it is completely unacceptable.

I would consider contacting her school to find out what is actually going on.

Bullying ruins lives.
If your daughter is a part of that, then very serious consequences need to be issued.

It is reasonable to tell the school what happened and ask if they know what is going on.

No, we don’t know those things. From the OP:

“My daughter is adament she has not picked on this girl and it's her 'friend' who seems to be the one bullying in that group. She's said that same girl is mean to people in that friendship group as well.”

it’s not particularly clear as to whether it’s one girl picking on another, or mutual unpleasantness. The father knows his daughter’s perspective, which may not be the whole story.

OP didn’t bother to find out. She just immediately believed the man that was publicly abusing her daughter.

Bullies start young and do or don't learn their lessons. Either way, they're all around us and regardless of whether posters agree, this thread is a really good example of bullying - and it ought to be obvious that it is. The OP asked for help and has received an absolute pile on with posters rushing in to tell her how wrong she was and what damage she's done.

It's interesting that some feel entitled to comment on OP's relationship with her daughter, nobody here knows what that's like nor what OP's parenting is like from this one example. I prefer to not leap to conclusions and make judgements because if I did, I'd think that many of the posters on MN weren't fit for the job of parent. I'd be just as wrong in my assumption, based on a few posts here and there.

Still, takes all sorts but this board has really changed and not for the better. I really hate bullies.

No one has predicted the future of OP’s relationship with her daughter. We’ve said what we would have felt in the daughters position, and warned OP of the very possible consequences of what she did.

A lot of people disagreeing with the actions of one person, and making comment when they’ve explicitly been invited to do so on a forum, is not bullying.

You’re obviously welcome to hate bullies, but generally it’s better to establish whether someone is in fact a bully in the first place before you embark on doing so.

You have your view, woomphereitis and I have mine. This thread is full of some real spite. You don't see it, that's fine, we're all different and I'm glad of that.

OP asked for help. She didn't get that. Make whatever excuses you think you need to.

I don’t feel the need to make excuses at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

People have responded to the event detailed, and have passed the judgment they were asked to make. Patting OP on the back and lying to her that it’s no big deal when it very well might be doesn’t constitute help, it’s merely a platitude.

and vive la différence indeed.

I think this is a good opportunity to talk to your child about several issues:

• you mucked up because you felt anxious and pressured by a bully (the dad) - bullies do that to people, adults and children alike.
• she has associated with a bully, is aware this person is a bully, it is a fact of life that you will be judged by the company you choose to keep.
• How she can distance herself from bullies and make it clear she wants no part of that behaviour
• parents make mistakes and you're sorry for that

I completely agree

I agree with this . Poor girl 😥

(Btw,. I love Your username. I Remember that Alan Warner book)

I agree too. The OP is clearly struggling anyway and the pile-on to tell her what a shit mother she is can't possibly have helped!! FWIW I don't think she's a shit mum at all! She reacted to a situation and then posted here because she clearly realised she might have mishandled it.

There's this 'perfect parent' brigade on here, and apparently, none of them ever get it wrong.