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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...upset teenage daughter. Help!

121 replies

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 16:59

So we went out to the shops today. I had my 3 dc and they went off to look by themselves to spend their money (13,11).

I was about to reach the till when my elder daughter came over and was crying.
I asked her what had happened and she said this man had shouted and sworn at her in the shop.
I was a bit perplexed and so went after the man who was with his daughter and wife/partner.
I asked them why he'd been shouting at my daughter and his wife said that her group of friends had been picking on their daughter. I was really upset about it and not sure exactly what had happened and apologised telling them I'd deal with it and talk to her when we got home.
I've told my children that if I hear they are bullying anyone, I'll give the other child all their pocket money so I went up to them again and gave some money to the daughter saying that is what I'd agreed to do. She thanked me and kept it and I walked away.

Daughter has been crying her eyes out since. Apparently, it's one girl in her friendship group being mean to this girl and this man has shouted at her before walking home.
She said she'd gone outside the shop afterwards to the car and they were waiting outside for her and the man was pointing and looking at her. She said she felt very intimidated.

My other daughter also heard this man shouting at my eldest although she didn't hear exactly what was said.

On the one hand, I think my daughter has been taught a lesson and I have told her that even if she didn't bully this girl, it's shown her how bullying and being friends with bullies can get her into trouble and that as a parent I'd probably be angry too.
On the other hand my daughter is upset because I didn't stand up for her in the shop (I have explained I didn't really understand what had gone on at that point and I'd just understood he'd told her off for bullying his daughter). And I also think the way the dad went about it was wrong.
A grown man shouting and swearing at a 13 year old on her own in the shop is really not the way to go about it. Even so, I understand his anger at the daughter being picked on.
My daughter is adament she has not picked on this girl and it's her 'friend' who seems to be the one bullying in that group. She's said that same girl is mean to people in that friendship group as well.

I live in quite a rough area and I work at the local school but I don't know what I should have/can do now.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/05/2023 17:59

Indeed. Thank goodness for that.

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 17:59

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/05/2023 17:49

I think many of the posters railing at the OP haven't considered that this was a bad decision made in the heat of the moment. To say that OP doesn't care about her daughter or have her back is nonsensical and it's a bit malicious at the OP's expense.

Yes, it was the wrong thing to do. Yes, OP has to make this right with her daughter but come on, have none of you ever made a knee jerk reaction that was wrong and had some consequences that you wouldn't have chosen? I don't believe you if you say you haven't but even though I was reading OP's post with sinking heart, I wasn't there, wasn't forcing myself to respond.

Next time OP will know what to do.

OP, you've done your bit by apologising to your daughter. I think you do need to find out exactly what's happening with the bullying though. I was in a 'crowd' with a bully, it was miserable because either you're with the bully or against them. My Mum yanked me out of that group and told me to get new friends - not these. I think she was right.

Hope you and your daughter are ok.

It’s in the heat of the moment where people can show you who they are, and what OP showed her daughter is that she won’t hesitate to side against her.

It IS serious what she has done, and downplaying it to spare OP’s feelings won’t change that. This is the type of shit that can have long lasting repercussions on a relationship, and do significant damage.

babyproblems · 13/05/2023 17:59

LisaD1 · 13/05/2023 17:01

The lesson you taught your daughter is she can’t depend on you. You didn’t even get her version of events before deciding the man was right. Poor girl.

Agree 100%. What were you thinking??? You should’ve taken the man’s number and rang or met them later (alone) and asked for more info. Then spoken to your daughter.

your policy of giving one’s pocket money to the other is unbelievable… you must see this is insane??? What on earth are you hoping to achieve by this?? You’re just creating jealousy and competition between your children. You’ve dealt with this terribly imo and your daughter won’t trust you if you continue with these strange punishment policies, that are potentially based on nothing at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/05/2023 18:03

whumpthereitis and hectoring the OP the way nearly every poster has done on this thread achieves what exactly? Nothing. It's just a smug-fest dressed up as advice. OP did the wrong thing. Came here for help and got readily lectured by thigh-rubbing posters enjoying themselves.

This place used to be better than this. I'm glad the OP isn't reading any more.

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/05/2023 18:05

Ihaveadifferentnamebecause · 13/05/2023 17:42

Loser.

I feel absolutely shite.

You're not a loser. We all react differently under stress and it can be hard when we are on the hop, especially in a rough area.

You have diffused the situation with that family, and now you are talking to your daughter.

This too shall pass, you're far from a loser.

Mummy2mybear · 13/05/2023 18:06

If a man shouted at my daughter like that I would have gone mad 😠 how dare he swear at her she is a child, he had no right to do that if he thought some sort of issue between the girls he should have spoken to you directly to nip in the bud he had no right, im sorry but no way in hell would I allow a grown man to talk to my child like that. As for you giving his daughter money I am struggling to understand why I feel really sorry for your dd you need to talk to her tell her you made a mistake.

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/05/2023 18:06

Besides, maybe this will give your daughter pause for thought about the company she keeps.

The other family sounds rough as fuck, so your daughter would do well to steer clear of theirs.

HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 18:07

I think many of the posters railing at the OP haven't considered that this was a bad decision made in the heat of the moment
Except it wasn't, was it, @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe ?
Op had warned her children in advance that she'd do this frankly bonkers thing if they were accused of bullying. Her response was pre planned.
Bad decision? Yeah, no argument there.

Pinkbonbon · 13/05/2023 18:08

Omg op what were you thinking.

You took the word of some random guy over your own child just like that? And punished her when she had just been shouted at by him am was upset. No wonder she can't stop crying, her mum betrayed her.

You owe her a massive apology.
Yes she needs to be spoken to about the company she keeps and being kind. But what you did was so wrong.

adriftinadenofvipers · 13/05/2023 18:09

This thread is a disgrace.

Ironically - most of you are a bunch of bullies.

@Ihaveadifferentnamebecause hope you're ok. You made a mistake. It happens. We've all fucked up at some point - though maybe not the self-appointed icons of perfection who have gone out of their way to berate you!!

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 18:11

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/05/2023 18:03

whumpthereitis and hectoring the OP the way nearly every poster has done on this thread achieves what exactly? Nothing. It's just a smug-fest dressed up as advice. OP did the wrong thing. Came here for help and got readily lectured by thigh-rubbing posters enjoying themselves.

This place used to be better than this. I'm glad the OP isn't reading any more.

Not smug, just incredulous.

That’s the nature of online forums. OP made a post and people are responding (mostly with shock at what she did, in this case) The fact that they’re not responding in a way you personally approve of is irrelevant.

Downplaying it to spare OP’s feelings isn’t helpful. Strangers patting her on the back saying ‘there there, it’s over now, move on’ won’t help OP if it isn’t in fact over, and it doesn’t negate the long lasting repercussions this event could very easily have.

CosimoPiovasco · 13/05/2023 18:12

OP
This needs to be brought to the attention of the school.
The bullying is happening in the school.
You should also ask the school to speak to the child being bullied and her parents to inform them that attacking children in the street is also bullying. The school need to assure them that it will be dealt with.
This will, of course, put the spotlight on your daughter ( in school ) as part of the bullies friendship group. If those are the friends she chooses to keep then there are consequences and she will have to deal with that if the school wish to speak to her.

GuevarasBeret · 13/05/2023 18:12

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 17:54

Full on or not, it could very well be true. Even if she apologized later, if my mother sided with an aggressor and joined in on humiliating me when I went to her distressed and in need of help, I wouldn’t forgive that. I wouldn’t trust her again either. Trust and belief in someone can be destroyed in an instant, no matter who that person is.

Show quote history

Maybe your mother wouldn’t ever trust you again, first, because you were involved with bullies and your distress was at being asked to take responsibility for your actions.

My guess is in her heart of hearts, OP is perfectly aware of what her daughter is capable of, and this didn’t strike her as being in any way out of character.

I wonder how you would feel if OP came here and said “I’m ashamed I stood up for my child in public when her friendship group bullied others.”

I don’t think OP has said her daughter is mad at that the friend - which would be the natural reaction of you had had to take their punishment, she is reacting like someone guilty as charged. The other parent may be ‘wrong’ but I can guarantee the bollocking delivered today will be a lot more effective than anything OP could do if she had told him to wind his neck in.

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/05/2023 18:12

No, but the massive and continued pile on when someone is feeling shit is very not cool.

Christinatherabbit · 13/05/2023 18:13

I'm praying this is not real. If it is...you poor daughter 😞

Starseeking · 13/05/2023 18:15

It doesn't sound like you even asked your DD for her version of the story before agreeing that the shouting man was correct in what he was saying.

Apologise to your DD, and ask her what happened before jumping the gun next time.

daretodenim · 13/05/2023 18:16

OP, yes you fucked up, BUT you apologised and are working to find a problem with your daughter.

You are not a bad mother. Your a human who messed up. It's OK.

Keep the channels of communication open with your DD.

Tell her that you'll not respond like that in future. And then don't.

Tell her that the money issue won't happen either (maybe donate it to a charity if you want to keep that idea going, or she just doesn't get it).

And then what's left is whatever your DD wants to do.

But I think you need to figure out exactly what's going on. Maybe arrange to speak to school to make sure there's nothing you're not aware of?

But don't beat yourself up. None of us are perfect and when we're extra stressed due to other things going on in life, that's when things can kind of escalate. It's normal. And MOST important is you're talking with your DD, you've acknowledged your mistake and are trying to find a solution. From a bad situation, you've turned it into a positive learning experience. It'll be ok.

SisSuffragette · 13/05/2023 18:16

LisaD1 · 13/05/2023 17:01

The lesson you taught your daughter is she can’t depend on you. You didn’t even get her version of events before deciding the man was right. Poor girl.

Absolutely this!

daretodenim · 13/05/2023 18:17

*working to find a SOLUTION to the problem

ChrisPPancake · 13/05/2023 18:17

You weren't sure what had really gone on, but you gave cash to the alleged wronged party and bollocked your own child? Confused

ChrisPPancake · 13/05/2023 18:18

I'm not surprised your dd is upset at that tbh!

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 18:18

GuevarasBeret · 13/05/2023 18:12

Maybe your mother wouldn’t ever trust you again, first, because you were involved with bullies and your distress was at being asked to take responsibility for your actions.

My guess is in her heart of hearts, OP is perfectly aware of what her daughter is capable of, and this didn’t strike her as being in any way out of character.

I wonder how you would feel if OP came here and said “I’m ashamed I stood up for my child in public when her friendship group bullied others.”

I don’t think OP has said her daughter is mad at that the friend - which would be the natural reaction of you had had to take their punishment, she is reacting like someone guilty as charged. The other parent may be ‘wrong’ but I can guarantee the bollocking delivered today will be a lot more effective than anything OP could do if she had told him to wind his neck in.

Show quote history

That’s fine. The trust in would then be broken on both sides, and the relationship damaged irreparably. Thankfully my mother wouldn’t ever have done that to me, and valued her relationships with her children.

We don’t know the details of this alleged bullying. And it is alleged. Taking responsibility for your alleged actions that haven’t even been investigated, let alone established, as a 13 year old isn’t being screamed at, in public or private, by an aggressive man and then being thrown under the bus by your mother.

The ‘bollocking’ delivered today will likely indeed have been effective, but not in the way you’re anticipating.

Greenpin · 13/05/2023 18:20

Maybe the man's daughter is being very badly bullied by others at school. Maybe she hates school , is suffering metal health problems and her parents are at their wits end to get it sorted. Perhaps that's why he shouted. I've no idea if that's true. But it could be. He'd get alot of understanding on here if he posted "I've just lost it and shouted at the girls who are making my daughters life hell"
There are about 5 sides to this story.

whumpthereitis · 13/05/2023 18:22

Greenpin · 13/05/2023 18:20

Maybe the man's daughter is being very badly bullied by others at school. Maybe she hates school , is suffering metal health problems and her parents are at their wits end to get it sorted. Perhaps that's why he shouted. I've no idea if that's true. But it could be. He'd get alot of understanding on here if he posted "I've just lost it and shouted at the girls who are making my daughters life hell"
There are about 5 sides to this story.

No, a grown ass man doesn’t reasonably approach and scream at a 13 year old girl.

Mrsknowitall · 13/05/2023 18:23

You’ve taught your daughter that she can’t rely on you and you’ve taught the other girl that she will be believed and your own daughter won’t! You’ve possibly opened up your daughter to potential bullying herself by this same girl (if what your dd is saying is true and that the girl bullies other girls in that group) you’ve got a lot of making up to do and please give her her pocket money back and maybe a couple of quid extra for good measure.

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