...upset teenage daughter. Help!

[Ihaveadifferentnamebecause]

So we went out to the shops today. I had my 3 dc and they went off to look by themselves to spend their money (13,11).

I was about to reach the till when my elder daughter came over and was crying.
I asked her what had happened and she said this man had shouted and sworn at her in the shop.
I was a bit perplexed and so went after the man who was with his daughter and wife/partner.
I asked them why he'd been shouting at my daughter and his wife said that her group of friends had been picking on their daughter. I was really upset about it and not sure exactly what had happened and apologised telling them I'd deal with it and talk to her when we got home.
I've told my children that if I hear they are bullying anyone, I'll give the other child all their pocket money so I went up to them again and gave some money to the daughter saying that is what I'd agreed to do. She thanked me and kept it and I walked away.

Daughter has been crying her eyes out since. Apparently, it's one girl in her friendship group being mean to this girl and this man has shouted at her before walking home.
She said she'd gone outside the shop afterwards to the car and they were waiting outside for her and the man was pointing and looking at her. She said she felt very intimidated.

My other daughter also heard this man shouting at my eldest although she didn't hear exactly what was said.

On the one hand, I think my daughter has been taught a lesson and I have told her that even if she didn't bully this girl, it's shown her how bullying and being friends with bullies can get her into trouble and that as a parent I'd probably be angry too.
On the other hand my daughter is upset because I didn't stand up for her in the shop (I have explained I didn't really understand what had gone on at that point and I'd just understood he'd told her off for bullying his daughter). And I also think the way the dad went about it was wrong.
A grown man shouting and swearing at a 13 year old on her own in the shop is really not the way to go about it. Even so, I understand his anger at the daughter being picked on.
My daughter is adament she has not picked on this girl and it's her 'friend' who seems to be the one bullying in that group. She's said that same girl is mean to people in that friendship group as well.

I live in quite a rough area and I work at the local school but I don't know what I should have/can do now.

Unrepentant?
I feel like a total and utter

Loser.

I feel absolutely shite.

You think it’s a good thing that your child has been ‘taught a lesson’ by you paying strangers to scare her? You’re meant to advocate for your kid, that’s a pretty bare minimum thing.

100% YABU after nearly 100 responses.

Never, ever seen that before. That's how you know the OP f'd up.

Wtf! So you teach your daughter not to be a bully by capitulating with an adult bully and not getting her story,
Almost the same thing happened to me and my son with a women screaming and swearing at my son in Iceland.
I informed her to bring it up with the school so they could investigate and that she was acting inappropriately.

my son looked perplexed the only clue we had was clearly they were from his school due to the uniform and a lot younger so separate side of the school building, playgrounds etc.

I reported the incident to the school the following day but we didn't have a lot to go on, that evening walking home with his twin brother the woman accosted them and hit my son round the head, screaming and swearing at him... I managed to find a witness who said she (a grown adult) was terrified and too scared to intervene.
School took it more seriously and sat my sons in a window to watch the lower school file into assembly and they identified the girls.

The girl quickly admitted that her mother was paranoid about bullying, people taking advantage, so would grill them daily over who had bullied them, so that evening she pointed at my son as we passed them in the shop.
Turns out the school had guessed who it was as she had done this on more than one occasion and they understood she had done this at previous schools (girls where only 7/8)
I reported her to the police for the assault on my son.

If I had taken your route she would have continued.
I get sick of reading grown men and women on social media threatening children with no more evidence than some strangers post or their child pointing randomly.

allow the school to deal with it (I am aware some schools are shit... we had this at secondary but they soon changed their tune when I stopped saying bullying and said assault instead.) and then if your child is indeed bullying and bullying can be by association you can carry out an appropriate punishment.

She's going to struggle to trust that you won't throw her under the bus again the next time someone queries her behaviour. Plus have you thought about what school's going to be like for her on Monday, when this other girl tells everyone you paid her guilt money?! You don't just need to say sorry, you need to do some major, major grovelling.

Giving the other girl money just comes across as completely unhinged. Would you want a strange adult giving your 13 year old daughter money? You can’t just go around handing out money to teenagers, I guess if in this case as her parents presumably saw it’s not as bad as it could be as if they have restrictions around pocket money/ concerns that she’s spending money on anything relating to drugs/ self harm/ binge eating etc they are aware of it but you need to realise that what you did is not okay. You can’t just give money to children you don’t know regardless of whether your own kids may or may not have been bullying them, it’s a completely weird thing to do and comes across as almost predatory. As a teacher if a child told me they’d been given money by another child’s parent who they don’t even know it would raise a safeguarding concern.

Well your daughter now knows that she can’t rely on you. Shocking.

I would have given the bloke a mouth full for shouting at my child. Doing exactly what he was accusing her of doing.

I think in rushing in wanting to do the right thing you've ended up failing to establish what has actually happened and what an appropriate action would be. I struggle with anxiety and I do think that has clearly played a part - I often want the thing that's stressing me out to end immediately because it feels difficult to cope with and I worry I will break down, and it does lead to rash decisions that probably wouldn't make sense or be the best outcome in any ideal world.

Bullying of course is unacceptable but I would not be supplicating an adult man who was proven to have shouted at a child, let alone my own daughter. I would certainly ask to speak to the school about this , both the alleged bullying and also the fact this parent is intimidating children at the school gates. His response to bullying is apparently to be a bully himself, which teaches nobody anything, and neither does paying cash to a child because they've been picked on.

You did what you could do in the moment OP, it happened not to be the right call and all you can do is meaningfully explain that to your daughter and work on next steps.

Well so you should.

You have given your DD great ammunition for future disagreements.
Hey mum, remember when...
I really would have gotten my child's version of events before doing anything.

I think many of the posters railing at the OP haven't considered that this was a bad decision made in the heat of the moment. To say that OP doesn't care about her daughter or have her back is nonsensical and it's a bit malicious at the OP's expense.

Yes, it was the wrong thing to do. Yes, OP has to make this right with her daughter but come on, have none of you ever made a knee jerk reaction that was wrong and had some consequences that you wouldn't have chosen? I don't believe you if you say you haven't but even though I was reading OP's post with sinking heart, I wasn't there, wasn't forcing myself to respond.

Next time OP will know what to do.

OP, you've done your bit by apologising to your daughter. I think you do need to find out exactly what's happening with the bullying though. I was in a 'crowd' with a bully, it was miserable because either you're with the bully or against them. My Mum yanked me out of that group and told me to get new friends - not these. I think she was right.

Hope you and your daughter are ok.

Oh my god, the smugness on this thread. Pathetic!

What can you do to do better? Guilt and other negative emotions are there to teach us. What are the lessons your negative emotions are trying to teach you?

You already apologised. Now think about why you trusted an aggressive stranger over your DD. What needs to change in your relationship to trust each other?

Whatever has happened at school or whatever he was bang out of order for doing that and i epididymis have told him that. You should have said you’d speak to your daughter about the alleged bullying but that him bullying a 13 year old in public is absolutely not on. I mean the irony!

Seriously?!

Actually, I think you can really use this as a learning experience.

Sometimes kids do stupid shit, that causes other people to lose the rag. When you mess with other people’s kids- even as a child, you overstep the line, and there will always be consequences. She and her circle of friends took the risk, and it has gone tits up for them.

It’s pretty obvious that your daughter has no moral backbone at all “It woz my friend that did it!” She stood by, and said nothing, and went along with it. Where the hell is her character. She’s very happy to be standing shoulder to shoulder with those giving it, and now the crybaby as soon as there is responsibility to face up to. (Which for me, is in and of itself another serious offence.)

Does you know the other child’s parents. Hopefully you will phone them up and explain that the brat they’re dragging up is making a show of herself at school and needs to be encouraged to zip it.

Sorry but you very publicly failed to get both sides and at least show your daughter that you will always trust her or at least hear her version before acting in a way that upset and embarrassed her - those parents also shouldn't have accepted the money, that to me says a lot about them

You owe DD an apology. And even if you do discover that she has behaved in an unacceptable way this isn't the way to deal with it. Almost bullying yourself tbh so the lesson isn't learnt

We all make mistakes op on this occasion you need to apologise

Yes. Seriously. OP has messed up, admitted it and the kicking her when she's down and telling her what a crap mother she must be is pathetic.

This place really seems to be scraping the bottom. Ugh.

🙄🤣

Full on or not, it could very well be true. Even if she apologized later, if my mother sided with an aggressor and joined in on humiliating me when I went to her distressed and in need of help, I wouldn’t forgive that. I wouldn’t trust her again either. Trust and belief in someone can be destroyed in an instant, no matter who that person is.

lavagal did you even bother to read OP's posts? She has apologised already.

I agree with @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe tbh. How many times does the op have to hear what a awful thing she has done?

I've seen far more incredulity than "smugness", but we're all different 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've told my children that if I hear they are bullying anyone, I'll give the other child all their pocket money so I went up to them again and gave some money to the daughter saying that is what I'd agreed to do.

This made it look like your daughter is always bullying people.